So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping.

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You all have it I know or you wont be here. This is year 2 for me and he's not a bad guy it is just we are different in many ways. It is starting to grate on me and I am becoming a very grumpy person. My wife and I are stressed, she has a lot of stress at work. I work at home so I am in it 24/7. We don't have a lot of money to travel and I can't leave him for very long. I can but not sure what the house would be like after. I cook, shop, repair and do all the things around the house, My wife cleans and keep an immaculate house even with 2 dogs.
Dad can come and go as he wishes. It is just he is complaining to relatives ow so I am looking like the bad guy. If I say anything I am really in trouble. It has always been this way. I learned from my mom to keep my ears open and mouth shut. If I tell a relative they tell him. if I tell him he tells a relative. If I say anything to my sister she tells him so I am screwed.
I cant post a message on social media he finds it (sneaky ways he uses the computer). So I am apparently blackballed from the family per sea. It is my assumption but since no one calls now I can only figure that. How do I get info to family that he is not being as forth rite as he portrays? We are all over the country, one sibling and I do not talk (damage done years ago). The other its all about her. Its the aunts and cousins who I guess I don't care but it does sting that I bust my ass and he has to look like the spoiled child.
Losing my cool way too much (it is in check just inside my head).
Do I ask my sibling to take him for a month this summer? If I do she will make it seem like I am asking a favor and will tell him I asked then I look like I am booting him out.

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I appreciate all the insight, I am working through this. I posted to get some insight on what to do since I am new to this. Yes I make mistakes. I am not perfect. The situation is fine but troubling at times like tonight when things boil over. Planning a quiet evening and made dinner and we are the ones to put it all together. Gladly the kids did clean up (I left the room). It is just a frustrating deal with dogs, and people. Everyone comes home and goes to their corners and I am left doing the work. I look to here for some small things I can use in my situation, not the answer all. I understand everyone has their pound of stuff to deal with so I look for ways to help by what others have done. If I don't do what people suggest that is my problem not yours. so please don't take offense. Thanks for listening.
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TG, thanks so much for your clarifications. I empathize with your situation, but will have no further insights, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry that you've had some unhelpful therapists. I've had three. The last helped me move my life forward, but the other two, although less adroit, started the process of helping me look at myself.

I wish you well, and am glad that your marriage, and partner are strong.
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TG, speaking for myself I really value having people here that I can just grumble to about small, trivial things that nevertheless annoy the knickers off me. And I hope you get to do that too - things like the milk: this is not insoluble (get more milk vs. train Dad either to run the errand or at least to note down Milk on the Shopping List - I bet I know which is quicker!) or unforgivable, just really irritating.

I know you know you always knew there were going to be challenges - I remember you very sensibly doing the research just around the time that Dad arrived.

Some things do have a solution but it's hard work, or unattractively hard-nosed; some things don't have a solution but aren't that big a deal; some things don't have a solution and are a big deal, and those we just have to get through with as much patience and kindness and dignity as we can (in my case bugger all dignity and the patience got pretty threadbare at times too).

So please do keep coming back just to vent away - it's therapy in itself. And the main thing: be alert for too many small issues adding up past your own personal breaking point. That's the real danger, as in "careful with that ax, Eugene..."
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TG, I think that it is part of the caregiver gene to want to fix things, so when we see what seems to be an obvious fix it can be frustrating that our advice isn't always taken. I know all about being stuck in a place where the alternatives don't look any more attractive than the present so I sympathize. Keep venting here, I know we get stung sometimes but very few comments are truly malicious and even those who disagree are rooting for each other.
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TG - I am truly sorry for offending you with my troll comment. Be well. - NYD
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TG, a lot of women had to get married... or at least had to push the date up a bit. This is despite the fact that they were pure as the driven snow on the day they married. My own mother had a "premature" baby eight months after my parents got married. The preemie weighed over 10 pounds! Sorry, Mom, we are not fooled. :P

My thoughts on therapy are the same as yours. Some people are lucky to find a good one. I have had many therapists in my life since I had panic disorder a couple of times. I think a good partner and good friends are the best therapy there is. Walking through the world alone is the worst therapy.
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As for therapy, I am still on the fence. I have been in therapy before... as a child (family issues, sibling drug issues) and some marital issues early on (fully resolved, I am not perfect). I am not too trusting of therapy as I have had some really bad therapists (as my wife had as well, again family issues) and only one good one. We both had happy childhoods except a few sibling issues so we understand each others issues. My wife is my perfect partner and we are a matched set. We have been through a lot together. I know others have been through worse. We talk a lot so I am not sure where a therapist will help. As much as i would like to see about it part of me is unwary that someone else can understand what I am dealing with and how to correct it. I could be a tough guy and tell everyone out but that is a fantasy. I made my bed, now I just have to figure out how to get the best nights sleep in it.....
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Babalou, Yes, mom was the organizer of the house. It was never apparent there was any issue. Things just went along. My parents were always one unified pair. There were never major fights, dad had a temper which mellowed (as has mine) but that I believe was due to some life stresses. Mom did all the house management. Worked full time. All the super mom stuff. I got her management style and ways of just getting it done and not asking for help. I got my dads sales skills and mechanical side.
Mom did everything without complaint. She had to grow up fast when she lost her mom at a young age and had a difficult father to deal with then had to get married at 19 (didn't know that until after she passed). So I get my commitment to family from her. It may be easy to say "deal with it". But I have seen how that plays out sometimes. We have had help from both sides of the family so sometime I just have to suck it up, help them out and move on..... I guess, I hope....
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Wow, t think I am done here.... NYDaughterinlaw, thanks for the uplifting advice "troll"? Sucked in"? I think that was uncalled for but then again this is social media so its open for any unsolicited advice so I have to take a bit of uneducated submissions every once in a while. (Thick skin). As for cwillie, thank you! You are correct. Linda22, yes, you are correct. I am just looking to get some ideas, I can't fix it over night.
For those who have chimed in recently, I do take the advice and put it in to use. As for what people would do if I was not here? I am fairly well covered if something happens that my wife would be care for. As for my wife leaving?Not a chance, our daughter is half hers half mine. As for my father it was partly her idea as well and I cared for her sister and moved in with the course of her brain cancer and still to this day care for her brother we have in a nursing home out of state.
Sometimes in life you have no choice. I am a firm believer in taking care of family no matter what. I cannot move dad out, he has no money. As for my kids, that is a different story. Yes we are getting fed up and discussions are evolving. We are trying to help them get their own place. The SIL is pretty lazy so it is up to my daughter. It is going to take longer than I want but I have to be patient. I am getting more vocal. My daughter made dinner last PM after we both worked all day (on a Sunday). It was nice and I let her know that so she may step up more now. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way.
As for dad...... I just have to put up with his being a pain in the ass... loud TV, drinking all the milk and leaving none for anyone or buying more.... it is the little things. Last pm dinner cleanup was going on and him walking around with a knife blade out. My wife told him about it and his response "after 80 years I am not going to change". well that about summed it up. I did remind him the other night if he kept things up I would drive him to his daughters house..... so once in a while I have to reel him back in. He is going to her house for the holidays so that will be a break, I am going to suggest every major holiday for her to get him for a while....
As for my wife being my priority I try every day to make her number one...... we are a partnership. We try to go out to lunch, dinner as much as we can to get away. I am trying to make more to get away with her more. We should not that we have a built in "dadsitter".... Anyway, thanks for the "constructive criticism". The non constructive is well just that, as mom always said "if you can say anything nice......"
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TG, did your Dad sell house when your Mom died, and is there That money available to him, in order to place him in an Assisted living environment where he might thrive, amongst his peers? I am just thinking of ways that might work for you, as I am currently working on these exact same issues with my own FIL, living with us. It is a very difficult situation, and one I am working through. We are all in this together! Learning from one another! Hang in there!
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