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Well no word yet on a decision from Medicare if they’ll admit mom to a rehab from home. Not doing a direct admit was a huge mistake but she being of sound mind, I couldn’t force her. It’s been almost 2 months now and she still needs ADL assistance and can’t or won’t walk without someone there.


The caregiver we we found is a gem, she was a health care worker in her home country and is working with mom to try and get her up and going again. But, I’m beginning to fail myself.


Yesterday I went to urgent care for an irregular heartbeat and shortness of breath. The PA determined it was stress from all this but if it happened again I had to go to the ER.


So then it hit me. I’m getting sick while mom is “getting well.” You know that sound brakes and tires make when they screech to a halt?...


Last night when I relieved the caregiver I told her, “You’re going to have to eat lunch earlier so I can get your dinner earlier and get home. I’m not sleeping or eating well because of this.” She agreed and said she would.


Today I have to let her know that if SNF says no, the caregiver arrangements have to start at a time that I can get back to work on time. I’ve been delaying my work hours to try and save her money. I started worrying that she’s going to put this all back on me when she can no longer afford the caregiver. Because, she will. That’s when my heart went wonky.


I've tried this and I’ve tried that and regrettably there’s one person that isn’t trying at all. “I can walk,” she’ll say, but not alone, not unless someone has her by the belt, not without someone being in the next room... That’s. Not. Walking.


And I told her that. She seemed puzzled.


Shes afraid of falling but won’t do anything to learn to empower herself against falls.


I'm not having a heart episode because of this. I won’t let that happen.


thanks as always for listening.

I am happy for you for recognizing that yes, your mother is stable and improving but you are not.

Tell your mother that going forward there will be some adjustments to the schedule to make your life flow better FOR YOU. You still have a lot of living to do. Trying to please everyone is quite the challenge so work to PLEASE YOURSELF! You are doing the best you can for your mother and she needs to understand this. She’ll adjust. It’s daily schedule changes and she is home all day and you are not.

If she resources maybe extend the CG hours to a 12 from 8 hour shift? You need down time after work to decompress.
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Just b/c she says it doesn't mean you have to do it. Maybe she is not safe at home anymore -then she needs to apply for medicaid and find a facility where there are people to care for her..
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Hotflash, it doesn't matter what she says, you can not be her caregiver, period.

NO. Is a complete sentence.

She will end up in the hospital again and that is when you get to remind her that she needs to go to rehab.

You didn't make this choice, you don't have to pay the consequences. Tell yourself over and over, not your monkey!

We are all rooting for you to stick to the boundaries and not be her solution.
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Hotflash appeal the denial.

But this is her problem. Not yours.
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She's been denied rehab.
Nearly 1k a week for caregiving.
How much longer before she says, "I can't afford this you have to do it."
I'm at work right now and I'm so upset I'm going to have to go home.
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Good for you!!!
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Good for setting a boundary, Hotflash. Your mom's poor choices shouldn't cost you money.

I've often heard people say here " mom, this is the rainy day you've been saving for".
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Ugh, she just asked me to help pay for the caregiver. She has no desire to get well, just take advantage of the attention. When will it end.

For the record, I said no.
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hotflash - my mother had a hip replacement aged 99. She went to rehab and discharged herself early, before she was ready because she didn't like what they were asking her to do. . I had made it clear that I was not available to give any care. I was POA and health care proxy, but at a distance. She then wanted me to come and stay with her and look after her. I said "No, I can't do that." She was competent and had enough financial resources to hire someone to help her which she did, I was NOT going to be guilted or manipulated into the servant role any more than I already was.

You don't have to do this. Look after yourself - she is getting better and you are getting worse. Go back to your normal life. Do not be sucked into spending extra time with your mother. She made a choice. She has to live with the consequences of it. She could have gone to rehab and gotten stronger. She has a good caregiver. Let her manage her own life. If she falls she can go back to hospital and maybe make a better choice this time. Make it clear that you are not available except outside of work hours occasionally ( as suits you) . Mother lived 5 hours drive away and I only saw her a few times a year. I couldn't handle any more.
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Hotflash; Your mom is a functional adult.

She CHOSE to leave the hospital and not rehab.

YOU are having tachycardia (please go to the ER as instructed).

Call your mom's case manager/doctor/whomever and say

"I have been hospitalized and am no longer able to care for my mother".

Do this NOW.
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Cali I said this very same thing. I felt guilty for thinking it but, “Hey if you’d been a little more proactive with your health...” or “hey if you hadn’t lived in denial for so long,” with symptoms or other health things, “this wouldn’t be happening.”

I’m with her right now, I hired the caregiver for a few hours this Saturday and she’s on her way, so that I can go home and mop my own floors and do my own thing, even if that means sitting in a chair and staring at nothing.

I told her a while ago that we need to re-manage some of this stuff because while she lays in bed not being productive and knowing that she can walk to the bathroom as long as I’m here, i am sitting here DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Well I can’t say nothing, I’ve had 2 episodes of tachycardia sitting here.

I also told her that if the SNF doesn’t happen that I will need to be getting back to work at my normal time, and that “YOU will need to figure out how to manage care for yourself, if that means giving our caregiver a key so she can go straight in.” I start work early and mother is the world biggest verbal abuser before 11am.

I am going to back down being here so much, if it means she’s in bed next to the commode most of the day until I can get here, that’s what it means. I just don’t understand it. I’d be fighting like hell not to inconvenience or burden my family with anything - as a matter of fact I’ve gone to extreme lengths lo these 47 years to make sure I never did. Why’s it so easy for others? (That’s probably rhetorical).

When I’m not here as much I suspect a miraculous, “I walked myself to the dining room,” to come about. The only bad things I can possibly try to prevent are the ones that could very well happen to me if I don’t do this.
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Why can't you get in home therapy? Get her doctor to write and order for homecare. You can get her an aide too. All on Medicare's dime.

Great you have set boundries. I am a firm believer in helping to get them what they need but not being a slave to them.

I have a friend who has health problem since HiSchool. Because of things she has said or done she has estranged her boys. Now she has Parkinson's. I have made suggestions for services, senior bus, Medicaid for an aid. No, don't want strangers in my house. Oh, never heard from the bus when I called. Never tried them again either but complains she can't find rides. No, I haven't volunteered lately. I "rested" after my Moms death. Didn't want to be running anyone all over for a while.

I give the information but I refuse to do it for you when you are capable of doing it yourself. I firmly believe the more you try to do for yourself the better.
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Good for you hotflash!! You MUST put your health first! Otherwise your mother will outlive you and then what?
It is OK to set boundaries and put yourself first. And please, stop sacrificing your financial well-being for your mother. It is not your responsibility to save her money. The situation she is is because of decisions SHE made. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. If she cannot get in to rehab on Medicare’s dime, do not use your money to pay for help and do not adjust your work hours. Stick to your normal hours and if mother can afford it, have caregivers come when you cannot be there. Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like it. You can’t continue this. Good luck & stay strong!
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Hotflash, been there done that, I had the same thing happen when my dad was in control. I too said that's it. He would have taken my life and not cared one iota except that it would have inconvenienced him.

He played the feeble unable game until I put a stop to the daily visits and multiple calls.

When he saw that I was done, I spent 3 months every hour of every day doing everything I could to get him back on his feet and back to living and he would still be sucking me dry if I didn't stop it, he went and bought a truck and moved. So much for feeble and unable.

So, yes, they are very good at mind and heart games that get them what they want and everyone else can go fly. So fly away and let her get up and back to living. If she can't then she needs to go to a facility, period. That's where she would end up if you died, so avoid giving her your very life and get her the care she needs and wants. Oh, I am a firm believer that they can do whatever they can do, that doesn't mean me doing anything. What they can actually do all by themselves. If I need to prop you up, you need professional care.
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Hotflash - Keep your mind, body and spirit aligned with every word of your posting. 💗

You need to be fully invested in saving yourself. (Sounds like you are ready!) That’s the only way you’ll get the changes you need.

Fully. Invested.

Stay strong and stay focused. YOU matter. We’re rooting for you!
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I’m glad to hear that you’ve finally gotten p***ed off enough to do something to help yourself. I caregive for a helpless hubby who, if he’d applied himself during all those physical therapy sessions he’s had, would probably be mobile now instead of bedridden. Keep up setting boundaries. Mom sounds passive-aggressive and you’re the one who will need to be proactive about setting and keeping those boundaries.
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