Still unable to fully cope...

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I lost my mother 4 weeks ago and found this forum to be of great help - I am still grieving but I know she wont be back and I have got used to that even though I miss her so badly (I was her primary carer for 3 years) The only thing I am bothered with is during her last week when her body shut down and she refused food and drink - I spent every visiting minute trying to get her to drink and eat - I didnt know I was doing the wrong thing until I read some articles - no wonder she was very curt with me fussing around and trying to open her mouth for water etc - thus possibly prolonging her impending death - It's this that makes it hard for me to cope - I have buried my head in paperwork etc and now I have nothing more to do. That's when I have time to reflect - plus now I have an operation due this weekend (couldn't have come at a worse time !) I feel really low and wonder how others cope ? from MickyC

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I am sure that your mothered appreciated that you wanted her to eat and drink.

Her body may have no longer needed sustenance in the form of food, but your care and concern gave her emotional sustenance.
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Thanks Barb :-)
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Micky; the deal is to focus on YOU right now. When you've started to heal from the surgery, we will all be here to support you!

Post as often as you need to; we love you! We care!
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Thanks all for your replies : I will try to get on with things after my surgery - which is kidney surgery - this has been put back for a month - so its definitely needed !!! Then I will see more clearly - I never knew this would affect me so much - but I am aware of how many others have to go through the grieving process .

I thank you all and best wishes go out to you

Micky C
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All of the above.

Be kind to yourself. You did a great thing.
It does lessen but takes ages. Dont rush it, go through it. If you really need a good cry, have one.
Why not write down all the good times and little funny moments you and mum had together. Also she must have related to you some of her fun times.

One from my mum was when we were walking down town the elastic broke in her knickers and without loosing a stride she had bent down picked them up and put them in her bag. Dam old elastic. :)
Take care and good luck with your operation. Enjoy your time in there. You will be in the best place, so plan your meals well. Order some extra crackers and cheese for a late nibble. I did. lol

Hugs
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I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. My prayers are with you. Four weeks is not very long in the grieving process, and you cared for your mother for three years. I hope you know what a wonderful daughter you are to have the strength and courage to care for her until the very end. You did the very best you could for her. Trying to help a person eat and drink is just pure kindness. Those are basic needs. You did nothing wrong. Please forgive yourself and let yourself off the hook. In my eyes, you did the very best you could to lovingly care for your mother. She loves you and you love her and sometimes I think that’s enough. I will be praying for the operation this weekend. You certainly have a lot on your plate, and I’ll be praying God lifts the load from you, gives you comfort, peace and love that only He can give. You’ll make it through all this with His help. Hugs.
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I’m so sorry for your loss, Micky. Please don’t beat yourself up over what happened before your mom passed. And there is no “right way” to grieve or mourn. No time limit. You’re right, you didn’t know that when people are about to pass, their systems begin shutting down and refusing sustenance is normal. We all have our demons to deal with when we lose a loved one. After my mom passed, I felt guilty that she died alone. But as time has gone on (it’s been 18 months) I realized that, after all, she passed at 3:30AM and there was no way I could have been there. She was on Hospice but no one had a crystal ball to predict her exact time of passing.

Give yourself time to sort things out and remember past times with your mom, the good as well as the bad. Don’t shove the trying times into a back corner of your mind. No one’s relationship with a loved one is ALL sweetness and light no matter what they say, and it’s ok to feel a little anger at them. Because, the next hour you will remember something good about her.

You did not prolong her life because you tried to get her to eat. Food and water alone will not stop someone from dying. That is, when it’s someones time, it’s their time and there’s nothing you can do about it.

This is only my humble opinion, but if this is elective surgery, can you postpone it? Having a medical procedure while under such stress and suffering from depression is not conducive to healing and recovery. Speak with your surgical team and see what they think.

Feel free to return here any time you need to vent. We’re open 24/7. Hugs
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Please don't blame yourself. It's normal to want our loved ones to eat and drink. It's distressing when they refuse. You weren't hurting her in any way. Don't let unfounded guilt get your mind in a knot.
When I have bad recurring thoughts, I say "No, I'm not going there."
Then I distract myself (start cleaning, watch TV, etc.)

Remember your mom with the great memories you both made together.

Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
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Micky, you did the best you could for your mother based on the information you had, don't beat yourself up for wanting her to eat and drink. We are taught from a very young age that feeding is part of caregiving. She died when she was ready. A friend sister lived for 3 weeks with no fluids. She amazed the doctors, but she was not ready until that moment. Your mother died when she was ready.

A month is a very short period of time to grieve, you will need many months to 'recover'. Being busy just postpones the grieving process. Have you looked into grief counselling? If you are religious, have you spoken with a pastor?
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