My spouse's mental issues are making me ill.

Sorry if anyone thought I was being harsh. Maybe we could all lighten up a bit. An emotional issue to be sure, especially if you've been there.

Answry, hoping I can be more supporting. You said it was making you ill.

So, I've been in your shoes, Answry. He should be the one to leave.

Ultimately, my ex became physically abusive towards my daughters, not just me. The police escorted him out. He paid the mortgage until the house was sold.

Going to a lawyer is not throwing in the towel on your marriage. Finding out what your rights are means that you stop looking at this through the lens of "I'm going to be out on the street".

No, he's going to be out of the house if he doesn't mend his ways. And he's going to be ordered to pay for your kids to remain in their home. Puts things in a different light, yes?

I suppose I should tell you that if you wait and try to separate and divorce amicably you will ultimately risk losing absolutely everything. I trusted my husband to sell the house for a bona fide price - he didn't and I lost a huge amount of equity. I also know he wouldn't have given that money away so where he managed to squirrel it is something I have never found out and I couldn't afford to have it traced. Don't think you can force him to declare it because he just said he didn't have it - end of.

My ex had money that, way way after I had signed away all rights , I found out about and it would make your eyes water. Lets put it this way he bought at least one more house and has lived abroad very comfortably for the last 20 years! So caution don't leave until its too late - our divorce was amicable when despite his behaviour with women (and men) (and drink) the fact that I met a man resulted in him divorcing me for adultery. I couldn't prove his behaviour other than hearsay because it happened abroad and no-one would substantiate his behaviour through alcohol because it always happened behind closed doors.

While he has not gotten me to the point of needing to be put into an institution, he has gotten me to the point where I want to get a hold of him with a frying pan and/or divorce. He has worked my last nerve (as they use to say). I did ask for advice on what I could do to improve this situation and force a needed change. Of course I know the change will have to come from me. I didn’t expect the comments to be all roses. I see some playful ones and some very serious ones.

But the thing, with me going on and doing me, I get lip service. See it is the comments like these yes other examples that have just ooooowwww. I just want it to stop but going on and doing me is not working. Sleeping in separate rooms for six months is not working. Guessing duck tape is an option.

If I am on my porch and some male drive up next door, it is why have you not gone inside. Gone inside for what I am sweeping my porch or working on my car. You go inside. So now I am accused of trying to get male attention.

If I am going to church without him, he swears I have put on my Sunday’s best and proceeded to danced in front of the deacon’s bench.

A male classmate saw us in the store one day and proceeded to call my name. My husband gave him such an ugly look that the guy went to explaining and apologizing.

That’s not to mention the affair I am having during my 45-minute drive to work in the next town. This is what he told my then 81-year old dad last year. Dad told me about the conversation and told me he just had to go off a bit telling him he was acting and sounding like a dam fool.

When he feels I am being defiant he goes, something bad is going to happen to you. My comment is it already has, YOU.

I feel like this is such a silly issue to be coming from grown people. I feel so embarrassed to call him my hubby and it has started to overtake the positive in my eyes. I’m embarrassed of me.

Oh I didn’t give him a deadline because you can behave just long enough. At least that is my thinking on the subject.

As you point out, he's mentally ill. The only way you can live with someome like that is if they admit the problem and accept that they need treatment. Has he been diagnosed? Personality disorder, schizophrenia, major depression? Curious how his psychiatrist characterizes his
Illness.

He is telling you "something bad is going to happen to you" and you don;t see this as a threat? To me this is a huge red flag...

I agree pam. It wasn't even a veiled threat. Go to a women's shelter and get some advice. Don't put up with this any longer. Unreasonable jealousy is a symptom of a much deeper problem. He needs help.

How dare he threaten you as if he's wishing that something evil will happen to you...
"How loving of him to let you know".
My mom took the mind games and the put downs only so long... she had $$$ in a secret account and planned to divorce him, sick of the alcoholism and adultery.
I was too small then, but my sibling being 6 yrs older HATED MY MOM, for ridding us of such a loser, but sibling loved dad a lot.
Mom was super smart and always fought with him whenever we weren't around. I have no recollection of those fights.
Mom made it ok, brought us up by herself, no alimony, no child support.
She wanted it like that when the divorce papers were signed,
with the stipulation that he was never to look for us... ever.
He was happy as a clam. Never knew him, met him, loved him nor missed him.
I thank mom for thinking ahead and not taking any more humiliation
and mental abuse from my "dad".
M88

Please send us an update on this page.

M 8 8... miss you!

We are trying to work on some things. We thought we had found additional help to learn from but unfortunately the forum people turned on me and said my hubby had every right to feel insecure especially since I am unwilling to quit my job out of town. They said I was putting my job before my marriage by being not willing to quit. That I was also being selfish in not being willing to stop wearing makeup and other things that make him uncomfortable. Many of you know that t I am my parent’s pca.

I told them if I were trying to cheat I would not be telling my spouse of my every move and welcoming him to go to work with me.

They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.

I told my husband if he try to force me to quit my job among everything else that we sure enough would be done and done for good. I demanded that he defend my honor and he did respond back to them.

This is where we are. It has been a roller coaster month. So stressful Saturday that I thought I would need to be taken to emergency room my pressure had went so high. That’s when they started that crap of telling him to force my hand.

I have also scheduled to talk with an attorney in two weeks. However, I do not know how to get to this appointment without him finding out and becoming angry and disappointed. Am I better off to just tell him about this appointment? I normally don’t mind telling where I am going. Please help me here or in private.

You sound scared...............I hate that feeling. Two whole weeks? I would not tell him anything right now.
NOTHING...........
Wait, and IF YOU MUST tell him where you are going, and if you feel you HAVE to be brutally honest, tell him THE DAY OF the appointment.
If you could go to 2 places, to make it 100% legitimate and you dont wanna fib, then tell him you're going to XYZ place. And leave the atty.'s appointment off the conversation...................................That is what I think................................
Oh man, things get so awfully convoluted and I hate the feeling of a pit in my stomach when sorting things out, whilst having troubles. Stay calm, take care of YOUR HEALTH, take your daily vitamins, do whatever needed to stay level headed. You'll need that.
M 8 8

You do realize that people on the other forum that you are visiting...they are just people. And they are answering you based on their expereinces. I wouldn't be surprised if the people attacking you weren't also mentally ill and abusive like your husband. Obviously you shouldn't listen to them...they don't have your best interest at heart and may have motivations trying to make their own abuse ok. You need to get out of there...asap.

Angel

Also...

this quote from your post :They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.:

When people accuse you of cheating/lying etc when you are not...its usually THEY that are the cheaters and liars...it's called projection. That forum obviously supports abusive people.

Angel

The attorney said they were booked up until next month. Two weeks. I called today to verify and then the receptionist said they would be in trial and had to move me from that morning to almost closing time. I have another attorney to check but they were not in so I will try again tomorrow.

I don't want to end my marriage still but am ready to do a big kick in the butt to say I mean business. Change or go.

Answry, that other forum - you got trolled. C'mon, NOBODY thinks the way to set a husband's mind at rest is for his wife to give up work, stop wearing make up and go inside the house if a car goes past. Not in English-speaking necks of the woods, anyway. Not seriously.

I'm sorry, I've only just caught on to this thread - is there anything to be done about your husband's quite advanced anxiety issues? Apart from your getting out of there, I mean, which I certainly agree you should do even if only as a safety measure. It sounds as though he really is going a bit nuts. And D*MN those trolls! - what can they have done for the man's peace of mind, for heaven's sake?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay in close touch, won't you?

Hi all. Here with an update. Suggestions have not brought about change. I still feel crazed. Being myself - met with conflict. Trying to improve – met with more accusations. Trying to set boundaries – met with door on my room being removed. Still getting the God is going to punish and something is going to happen (still God). I don’t think police see any of this as a threat or abuse. I always get asked anything physical. So it is just my word against his.

Go to a lawyer. Get a divorce.

Removed the door to your room? That's not physical?

I can't believe you are still going through this after a year!! Get out!!

No. Nothing they could do. Said they would file a report but not as domestic. I have been trying to file for divorce. Too rich for legal aid and too poor for other attorneys.

Ha, Ha.

No dear. Not ha ha. You go to a mediator. See if you can go this route which is less expensive.

And let me tell you something from personal experience. A good, mediator- friendly divorce lawyer in NYC costs about $250. Per hour. That sounds expensive. But you ask how many hours this should take, in terms of billable hours. Maybe 3 or 4?

You have separated your money, haven't you?

Find the local Woman's rights organization; the local of NOW, or an Abuse Protection organization.

You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Not having the ability to have privacy in your home is abuse, pure and simple.

Contact the ACLU if you have to. This is a CIVIL right.

So the police said "not domestic". Did you ask them what category they would report it under?

It's an implied threat of physical violence.

Answry,
I understand you are conflicted.
1) That other website: The crazies there are listening too closely to country music and believing it, "Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town". Or they are part of a religious cult.
2) Your husband is a member?
3) You are/were a member and due to "Stockholm Syndrome" are also afraid to leave?
4) You are working? Start a savings plan at work, have the deductions taken from your paycheck, bring home less, as if at this late date you would actually hand him your paycheck.
5) If divorce is against what you believe, it's a free country, live apart.
6) You may need to learn to withold information from him. Or, lie to save your life?
7)  The police were wrong, where do you live, is the whole town a member of this same cult?
8)  There are domestic abuse support meetings and classes so you can learn what you are up against.  Do not, imo, leave him without that information.

What have you been doing this past year?

Why does it matter to you what the Police say?

You don't have to have a domestic violence report to get a divorce.

If you want to feel safe, secure and non-threatened, you have the right to those.

If having those means leaving, then you leave.

Maybe I have not been asking the right questions. We do have separate bank accounts but at same bank. I see many days where he has viewed my account after I go to work. I normally don’t care because I have nothing to hide although he says I’m hiding something and up to something. {Nothing New}

The officer did tell me what category (disturbance maybe). I guess I just blanked out. Don’t know after he spoke to spouse (month later from door incident).

I guess I’ve never thought about being on my own again. That is scary but I have been trying to be brave this year. I am afraid to finish off the family but hoped filing for divorce or separation would bring change. Not going to be any paycheck being handed over. I have been fighting to bring peace to the home (trying to stand my ground) and he is fighting back. You know I’m the boss and you ask me for forgiveness.

Divorce is not against my belief. These accusations and landmines, I am against but I can’t get them to stop. A few days good than bam. A few months good than bam.

I have been trying to go on with my life. Been trying to dress and eat better. Started working out at home since he was against us joining gym. Yes I did it again. If you can afford a gym membership than you can do XYZ so I did a bike and weights at home. Daughter and I trying to lose some pounds. I have gone out of town with a girlfriend for the first time in forever. Been going to a few events with the children. They always invite dad and I go along for their sake and guess in a way for mine. Feel if I say no, I will look like the bad guy.

I’ve been doing some home repairs like panting. Trying to take care of my own car but it is met with I’m trying to take things away from him. Reading so much that my eyes should have fallen out by now.

I have the kids starting with therapy this week and he is suspicious of that and tried to get the counselor on me right away as the destroyer of the family.

Right now I have been trying to do the take me as I am or *** you. Although I'm still trying to be respectful.

It doesn’t matter with the police. However, I had read up on order of protection since I can’t just put him out according to first two attorneys. After legal aid told me no, I went to courthouse and they said no physical abuse nothing they could do. Went to police station and they could only give me 7 to 10 days and referred me back to divorce. I had not thought of mediator.

Glad you are taking the kids and yourself to therapy.

Your husband is mentally ill and will not/ cannot change. His children love him and you love him, but you will never get the love, approval and affection that you seek from him.

I think either you have to say to yourself " this is who he is. I love him in spite of that and will learn to ignore his insults, threats and tants", or you say "enough" and leave.

The only one who you can change is you.

Have you considered a different tactic?
I don't remember all the right satements, but your new attitude goes something kike this:

Why am I dressing up to go out? Because I am trying really hard to make you look good, honey.

Am I having an affair? That's right, dear, do you want to meet me in the hotel bar afterwards?

Why are you wearing that? Thanks for the heads up..You are right, looks shabby, I am going out right now to get a better, more expensive outfit. Hey kids, do you want to come with to shop for new clothes?

Okay, get the picture?

Answry,
A divorce is serious, and should never be used as a means to get a spouse to change, imo.
If that is your true motive, I suggest trying more therapy before deciding on divorce as the final answer. Keeping in mind that your children, if young enough, will be required to visit with the man you are trying to leave. They will be at his house, his rules.
For that circumstance, I don't have a solution.
Sorry, this is not meant to stop you from a divorce, and seeking the path most propitious to you. Not a guilt trip, but something to consider about the children in a divorce.
I am sure once you are free to be healthy, that too will benefit the kids greatly.

Best wishes and encouragement for you!

A, why does he have access to your bank account Information?

Change the password.

This is about control and power. The way it was explained to me, my husband regarded me as though I was part of his person, and if he couldn't control me, it was as though he had no control of his right arm or his eyes.

That feeling of loss of control ( of the other) leads to anxiety, agitation, rage and sometimes violence.

This is not something that a few sessions of counselling is going to fix. This is part of the structure of his personality.

It's been interesting to watch my ex-husband's second marriage. He is still controlling, still blames her ( as he did me) when a pipe breaks or the car won't start or when he's anxious about something. I've seen it send her into tears. But mostly she just says  "don't talk to me that way" and turns and walks away.

Can you do that?

Er - the door on your room being removed?

This is called "coercive control." It is becoming more widely recognised as abuse in itself, and more to the point the precursor to seriously dangerous situations.

Do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to stick this marriage out any longer? Do you have anywhere to go?