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This may not be the forum for this but I' have relied on this forum for some time.


I will get straight to the point. If your spouse asks you not to wear makeup, would you not wear makeup? If your spouse asks you not to wear shorts (not talking Daisy Duke type shorts) to work, would you not do so? If your spouse asks you not to speak to other men, would you not do so? If this list keeps going, would you keep going?


I do try to compromise for example with just lipstick, mascara, and nail polish.


If I wear my hair curly one day when I am not with him but then straight the next day I am with him, he says I did not put as much effort in as I did the previous day.


I am so tired of my spouse telling me what he does not like about me. Of course when he is telling me something it comes with anger. My counselor suggests giving up on my marriage after working with me for 6 months. We did a few couple's sessions. I have suggested hubby go back to individual counseling to work on his control and jealously issues in the past. I don't do is against him.


If you want to lose weight, it should be about him. If I want to start looking more attractive, it should be about him.

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Well, back to square one. Divorce will cost $4,000. That’s with the attorney I spoke with today. That’s a lot of money to come up with and my paycheck. In the meantime, I will continue to look for a place to stay and a mediator. I’ll also stay as I have been doing in my master bedroom. For the last two months, it has been my apartment anyway.

She told me if I went ahead with the order of protection they would expect me to file for divorce almost simultaneously.
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Sendhelp - Keeping in mind that your children, if young enough, will be required to visit with the man you are trying to leave. They will be at his house, his rules.

The kids will be another year older in 4 and 5 months (now 14 and 17). Through the grace of God, they are older and can help care for themselves. Daughter is driving and they know how to prepare some meals. So while I hate the thought of sharing, uh.

My hubby therapist (male) never saw or treated me to give a diagnosis. He did couples counsel along with my therapist (female) a few times but we never got anywhere because his therapist wanted me to keep adjusting. My counselor lit into them both and left the room.

My therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety due to relationship issues. I have no clue of his diagnosis.

BarbBrooklyn – I don’t get sent into tears anymore. I do say if you are going to start name calling or throw around accusations, don’t take to me. So his attitudes goes, well if I can’t talk to you the way I want, then I will not talk to you at all. So if I have to talk to him later about something either he will go I thought you did not want to talk to me or will just flat out ignore me.

Countrymouse – I do not have anywhere to go. I have been watching prices in our area for rentals all year. I cannot afford the rental prices in this area but can afford our mortgage. Can’t move in with my parents because that is a condition of my employment.

BarbBrooklyn – I don’t care what the therapist thinks. I always just say darling, you know he was talking about you don’t you or say nothing at all and just weather the verbal attack or remove myself from the home for a while.

NYDaughterInLaw – No caregiving involved. He suffers with spinal stenosis in back and neck. The mental diagnosis is unknown.

The attorney I met last year will charge $150 for a consult and deduct that amount toward the fee we decide on. Last time she said they would force him into counseling and anger management. I really do believe hubby is mentally ill and the strong pain meds only made things worse.

When he has his whatever, he will go for days not eating and being totally silent. But of course i get the blame.

It took me a minute to get back. Time for homeschool to begin and a busy week with work and making sense of my mess.

I appreciate you alls support here and will never forget you all here and this website.
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Is there any caregiving involved here? Does your husband have dementia or some other illness that makes you his caregiver? If no, leave and be done with it already.
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Answry,
Look closely...something is highly irregular here. Let me explain....
You said. "his previous therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist".
1) Was the therapist seeing you, treating you?
2) Did the therapist tell YOU what your diagnosis was?
3) What was his previous therapist's diagnosis for him?

My guess is that your husband is lying everytime he opens his mouth to put you down and control you.
I don't know if you are a narcissist, but I doubt a narcissist would be coming on to this forum for advice to change things because they don't think anything is wrong with them.  Keeping your job or career through all of this may save your sanity, imo.

In a past life, "he" said; "she never worked a day in her life!" And, I have the two-page resume` to prove that he lied.

It is concerning (and put in a humorous way) that you will have to find your resume` to find out where the he** I've been all these years"; and, that you say you will have to see the officer's report
to see if you are believed.  Dear lady, you have been gaslighted.

You can file your own divorce, draw up a "Marital Settlement Agreement" and take it to a lawyer to finish this.  Why in he** would you ever need to prove yourself to anyone?  So sorry to see anyone go through what you are.
Why are you still doubting yourself?
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Do you care what his therapist thinks about you? Or what he thinks about you?

The truth is yours. Your reality is what counts.

You work. You make money. Open a separate account and keep your money there.
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Answry go and look at that bloody diagram. If you think people won't believe that a charming man can be pathological in his behaviour towards his wife, you just haven't been watching t.v. for the last fifteen years. The Archers has just completed a whole grisly storyline about it, for heaven's sake.

Stop believing that your husband has all the power and give other people some credit for being able to hear what you say. Go and LOOK at that diagram and see how it applies to what you experience. Not talking about therapy, talking about waking up and getting out. Or at least waking up.
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Have you ever heard of a misogynist?
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My husband can be so charming to others. Officer probably bought everything he said. Will see once I get the report. I can’t tell you where I live because you will say, I knew it.

I know love and affection is not there. It is so sparse. I was telling my girlfriend, I am so lonely it is not funny. I’ve told my hubby I’ve gotten so I don’t want to come home. He just says something like sorry to hear that and he don’t understand. Wow is him.

Approval never going to get I know. Husband is convinced that he has carried the load our entire marriage. He is also convinced he does not see my contributions especially financially. But he did feel several when I traded in satellite TV for Hulu and stopped paying his phone bill. In fact he is so convinced that I have done nothing, I’ve been hunting down my resume to see where the he** I’ve been all these years.

I really don’t want to try therapy again. I did individual and couples before. In the couples one I got the blame – all on me the misery. When we took the kids for therapy the counselor wanted to talk to us for a minute. Again it was she, she, she, and wow is me.

I am not interested in this happening again (therapy). In fact during his verbal assault yesterday he repeated that his previous therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. So when I was thinking he was getting help way back when, I was getting thrown under the bus apparently. Blamed.
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Try: www.theduluthmodel.org

If you click on the "Wheels" tab it will take you to a diagram you can use to identify problematic patterns of behaviour. The purpose is to help you explain to law enforcement and other support agencies what is happening and how it constitutes abuse. Even if you don't want to seek outside intervention at the moment, it could also help you clarify in your own mind what is okay and what is not okay so that you don't slide back into feeling that you're the crazy one. You aren't.
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Er - the door on your room being removed?

This is called "coercive control." It is becoming more widely recognised as abuse in itself, and more to the point the precursor to seriously dangerous situations.

Do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to stick this marriage out any longer? Do you have anywhere to go?
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A, why does he have access to your bank account Information?

Change the password.

This is about control and power. The way it was explained to me, my husband regarded me as though I was part of his person, and if he couldn't control me, it was as though he had no control of his right arm or his eyes.

That feeling of loss of control ( of the other) leads to anxiety, agitation, rage and sometimes violence.

This is not something that a few sessions of counselling is going to fix. This is part of the structure of his personality.

It's been interesting to watch my ex-husband's second marriage. He is still controlling, still blames her ( as he did me) when a pipe breaks or the car won't start or when he's anxious about something. I've seen it send her into tears. But mostly she just says  "don't talk to me that way" and turns and walks away.

Can you do that?
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Answry,
A divorce is serious, and should never be used as a means to get a spouse to change, imo.
If that is your true motive, I suggest trying more therapy before deciding on divorce as the final answer. Keeping in mind that your children, if young enough, will be required to visit with the man you are trying to leave. They will be at his house, his rules.
For that circumstance, I don't have a solution.
Sorry, this is not meant to stop you from a divorce, and seeking the path most propitious to you. Not a guilt trip, but something to consider about the children in a divorce.
I am sure once you are free to be healthy, that too will benefit the kids greatly.

Best wishes and encouragement for you!
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Have you considered a different tactic?
I don't remember all the right satements, but your new attitude goes something kike this:

Why am I dressing up to go out? Because I am trying really hard to make you look good, honey.

Am I having an affair? That's right, dear, do you want to meet me in the hotel bar afterwards?

Why are you wearing that? Thanks for the heads up..You are right, looks shabby, I am going out right now to get a better, more expensive outfit. Hey kids, do you want to come with to shop for new clothes?

Okay, get the picture?
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Glad you are taking the kids and yourself to therapy.

Your husband is mentally ill and will not/ cannot change. His children love him and you love him, but you will never get the love, approval and affection that you seek from him.

I think either you have to say to yourself " this is who he is. I love him in spite of that and will learn to ignore his insults, threats and tants", or you say "enough" and leave.

The only one who you can change is you.
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Maybe I have not been asking the right questions. We do have separate bank accounts but at same bank. I see many days where he has viewed my account after I go to work. I normally don’t care because I have nothing to hide although he says I’m hiding something and up to something. {Nothing New}

The officer did tell me what category (disturbance maybe). I guess I just blanked out. Don’t know after he spoke to spouse (month later from door incident).

I guess I’ve never thought about being on my own again. That is scary but I have been trying to be brave this year. I am afraid to finish off the family but hoped filing for divorce or separation would bring change. Not going to be any paycheck being handed over. I have been fighting to bring peace to the home (trying to stand my ground) and he is fighting back. You know I’m the boss and you ask me for forgiveness.

Divorce is not against my belief. These accusations and landmines, I am against but I can’t get them to stop. A few days good than bam. A few months good than bam.

I have been trying to go on with my life. Been trying to dress and eat better. Started working out at home since he was against us joining gym. Yes I did it again. If you can afford a gym membership than you can do XYZ so I did a bike and weights at home. Daughter and I trying to lose some pounds. I have gone out of town with a girlfriend for the first time in forever. Been going to a few events with the children. They always invite dad and I go along for their sake and guess in a way for mine. Feel if I say no, I will look like the bad guy.

I’ve been doing some home repairs like panting. Trying to take care of my own car but it is met with I’m trying to take things away from him. Reading so much that my eyes should have fallen out by now.

I have the kids starting with therapy this week and he is suspicious of that and tried to get the counselor on me right away as the destroyer of the family.

Right now I have been trying to do the take me as I am or *** you. Although I'm still trying to be respectful.

It doesn’t matter with the police. However, I had read up on order of protection since I can’t just put him out according to first two attorneys. After legal aid told me no, I went to courthouse and they said no physical abuse nothing they could do. Went to police station and they could only give me 7 to 10 days and referred me back to divorce. I had not thought of mediator.
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Why does it matter to you what the Police say?

You don't have to have a domestic violence report to get a divorce.

If you want to feel safe, secure and non-threatened, you have the right to those.

If having those means leaving, then you leave.
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Answry,
I understand you are conflicted.
1) That other website: The crazies there are listening too closely to country music and believing it, "Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town". Or they are part of a religious cult.
2) Your husband is a member?
3) You are/were a member and due to "Stockholm Syndrome" are also afraid to leave?
4) You are working? Start a savings plan at work, have the deductions taken from your paycheck, bring home less, as if at this late date you would actually hand him your paycheck.
5) If divorce is against what you believe, it's a free country, live apart.
6) You may need to learn to withold information from him. Or, lie to save your life?
7)  The police were wrong, where do you live, is the whole town a member of this same cult?
8)  There are domestic abuse support meetings and classes so you can learn what you are up against.  Do not, imo, leave him without that information.

What have you been doing this past year?
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Find the local Woman's rights organization; the local of NOW, or an Abuse Protection organization.

You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Not having the ability to have privacy in your home is abuse, pure and simple.

Contact the ACLU if you have to. This is a CIVIL right.

So the police said "not domestic". Did you ask them what category they would report it under?

It's an implied threat of physical violence.
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No dear. Not ha ha. You go to a mediator. See if you can go this route which is less expensive.

And let me tell you something from personal experience. A good, mediator- friendly divorce lawyer in NYC costs about $250. Per hour. That sounds expensive. But you ask how many hours this should take, in terms of billable hours. Maybe 3 or 4?

You have separated your money, haven't you?
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No. Nothing they could do. Said they would file a report but not as domestic. I have been trying to file for divorce. Too rich for legal aid and too poor for other attorneys.

Ha, Ha.
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I can't believe you are still going through this after a year!! Get out!!
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Go to a lawyer. Get a divorce.

Removed the door to your room? That's not physical?
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Hi all. Here with an update. Suggestions have not brought about change. I still feel crazed. Being myself - met with conflict. Trying to improve – met with more accusations. Trying to set boundaries – met with door on my room being removed. Still getting the God is going to punish and something is going to happen (still God). I don’t think police see any of this as a threat or abuse. I always get asked anything physical. So it is just my word against his.
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Answry, that other forum - you got trolled. C'mon, NOBODY thinks the way to set a husband's mind at rest is for his wife to give up work, stop wearing make up and go inside the house if a car goes past. Not in English-speaking necks of the woods, anyway. Not seriously.

I'm sorry, I've only just caught on to this thread - is there anything to be done about your husband's quite advanced anxiety issues? Apart from your getting out of there, I mean, which I certainly agree you should do even if only as a safety measure. It sounds as though he really is going a bit nuts. And D*MN those trolls! - what can they have done for the man's peace of mind, for heaven's sake?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay in close touch, won't you?
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The attorney said they were booked up until next month. Two weeks. I called today to verify and then the receptionist said they would be in trial and had to move me from that morning to almost closing time. I have another attorney to check but they were not in so I will try again tomorrow.

I don't want to end my marriage still but am ready to do a big kick in the butt to say I mean business. Change or go.
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Also...

this quote from your post :They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.:

When people accuse you of cheating/lying etc when you are not...its usually THEY that are the cheaters and liars...it's called projection. That forum obviously supports abusive people.

Angel
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You do realize that people on the other forum that you are visiting...they are just people. And they are answering you based on their expereinces. I wouldn't be surprised if the people attacking you weren't also mentally ill and abusive like your husband. Obviously you shouldn't listen to them...they don't have your best interest at heart and may have motivations trying to make their own abuse ok. You need to get out of there...asap.

Angel
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You sound scared...............I hate that feeling. Two whole weeks? I would not tell him anything right now.
NOTHING...........
Wait, and IF YOU MUST tell him where you are going, and if you feel you HAVE to be brutally honest, tell him THE DAY OF the appointment.
If you could go to 2 places, to make it 100% legitimate and you dont wanna fib, then tell him you're going to XYZ place. And leave the atty.'s appointment off the conversation...................................That is what I think................................
Oh man, things get so awfully convoluted and I hate the feeling of a pit in my stomach when sorting things out, whilst having troubles. Stay calm, take care of YOUR HEALTH, take your daily vitamins, do whatever needed to stay level headed. You'll need that.
M 8 8
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I have also scheduled to talk with an attorney in two weeks. However, I do not know how to get to this appointment without him finding out and becoming angry and disappointed. Am I better off to just tell him about this appointment? I normally don’t mind telling where I am going. Please help me here or in private.
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We are trying to work on some things. We thought we had found additional help to learn from but unfortunately the forum people turned on me and said my hubby had every right to feel insecure especially since I am unwilling to quit my job out of town. They said I was putting my job before my marriage by being not willing to quit. That I was also being selfish in not being willing to stop wearing makeup and other things that make him uncomfortable. Many of you know that t I am my parent’s pca.

I told them if I were trying to cheat I would not be telling my spouse of my every move and welcoming him to go to work with me.

They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.

I told my husband if he try to force me to quit my job among everything else that we sure enough would be done and done for good. I demanded that he defend my honor and he did respond back to them.

This is where we are. It has been a roller coaster month. So stressful Saturday that I thought I would need to be taken to emergency room my pressure had went so high. That’s when they started that crap of telling him to force my hand.
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