A number of comments lately have mentioned or alluded to the hope of gaining something spiritually from the experience of caregiving. That idea always resonates with me, and I'd like to explore it a little more.
I've been a caregiver in a number of different situations - for a lover, two close friends, two siblings, and a parent. I have found deep satisfaction in all of those situations, EXCEPT for the most part in caring for my mother.
I think for many people, illness and dependency strips away artifice, and allow a person to allow himself/herself to be unusually vulnerable. For the caregiver, it allows you to connect very deeply with the person, to tend to their needs, shield their vulnerabilities, and soothe their pain and their fear. Being chosen by someone when they're most vulnerable and in need feels like a great honor, and being with them in their time of need feels like an amazing privilege. I cherish the memories I have, of a dear friend allowing me to shower her when she was disabled after surgery on her shoulder, of my sister calling me with the flu and saying right out "I need help. Will you help me?" I remember washing another friend's hair in her hospital bed when she was laid up from surgery. These are not interactions that we normally don't experience in everyday life, and they're very special.
Then there's my mother. I find it impossible to get much satisfaction out of helping her, and I think it's because of her overwhelming sense of entitlement and her need to control everything. I don't think she lets herself be vulnerable except as a manipulation, when she can't get away with outright demanding something. I think she can't stand to think of herself as needy (or think of anyone else as having any autonomy or choice), so she presents her needs as demands and expectation, and it's impossible to feel good about meeting them.
I keep thinking back to something the author M. Scott Peck said, about how love is the willingness to extend oneself for one's own or another person's spiritual growth. He also said that a loving person must be careful not to waste their love on those who are capable of benefitting spiritually. That's the situation I feel I'm in with my mother - wasting my love on someone who is incapable of benefitting spiritually. I can satisfy her material needs, but that doesn't satisfy me in any way. I want that deep closeness, that connection, and I think it's like electricity. Unless there's a complete circuit, it won't flow at all. That's my love for my mother, stopped at the source.
Sorry for the rambling. Maybe enough to spur others of you to share your thoughts?
As I handed my hubs 1/2 c. of yogurt (sharing), he started to fuss. You know, the usual (instead of thank you) he says, "oh, that is too much", and "Are you sure you don't want more?" attempting to be kind? Not one to want a conversation about yogurt this early in the day-or really, if you know me well-don't even talk to me before 4:00 p.m, so I said this to him:
"In heaven, I am sure no one is ever going to be handing you 1/2 cup of yogurt, waiting for you to take it out of their hand while you lay there flat on your back
commenting......" "Well, I have never read it in the bible anyway".
Each year I make Christmas dinner for my mother, out of the goodness of my heart, because nobody else invites her (or me!) and Christmas Day is an awful time to be stuck home alone, especially if you don't cook. This year I invited my mother's housemate/caregiver and my brother in law (the one married to my sister who died this summer). We got to talking about all the elderly widows in my mother's neighborhood who pester my BIL for help because they have nobody else. I thought how blessed my mother was to have a lovely dinner made for her in her home on Christmas Day, with no effort or expense on her part, plus company to share it with. I know in her place I'd be over the moon with gratitude and pleasure. My mother, not so much. It never occurs to her that "there but for the grace of God" goes she. It would mean so much to me to be able to "surprise and delight" her with a fabulous dinner instead of her just expecting it as her due.
That's what I mean about spirituality. Not necessarily spiritual growth, but at least the opportunity to find meaning in the sacrifice of caregiving. That would make (and does make, with other people) such a huge difference for me. We deprive others of meaning when we expect their gifts as our due.
When I worked in elder care, I did feel a great sense of well being (spiritual uplift?) in providing for my clients what they needed, but could no longer do for themselves. One client, in particular, was hard, in many ways, but I learned a great deal from her. I am a "spiritual" person and also, somehow, a born caregiver (or one by the necessity of life's haphazardness.)
I believe that when we are serving our fellow man (or woman) we are actually in the service of God. It's very hard, and sometimes, it's impossible to see any good in what I do for my mother, but for about anybody else on the planet--I'm ready to help.
Parents are without question, the hardest to care for, if you do not have a good strong based mutual respect. My mother is just now, as she is entering into dementia, being truly kind to me. I am really sorry for her, but kind of weirdly happy for me. She's NICE to me for the first real time in my life.
I do feel a little bit sorry for my sibs who have NOT bothered to care for mother, difficult as she is. When she dies, I know I will be fine.
Caring for daddy before he died was one of the greatest blessings I've ever received. That may sound odd, but caring for the one person who loved me unconditionally all his life....it was an honor.
In general, I try to find at least ONE person or activity per day to which to give some service. Selfishly, it makes me feel better.
I once heard this, and liked it: Service is the rent we pay for the space we take up on the earth.
Back to Spirituality: I believe that we are all "...spiritual beings having a human experience;" (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, 18??). When I became permanently disabled, this belief, and all that it entails, helped me greatly to accept what is, and what may be. It's been 11 years now of my body & mind being "homebound," and for some reason, I'm having more emotional difficulties now. Perhaps because things are changing within; in other words, I am letting go of certain beliefs about my family, expectations of self and others (especially of self! That realm does not belong just to caregivers - guilt and self-denial are universal, no matter the situation.) Therefore, whether care-giver or care-receiver, the most important things I can do are: 1) Relax. Take a breath. 2) make decisions based on my best interests and needs; 3) See a therapist regularly (mine is spiritually and medically degreed, whoever works for you is best!) and most important so that none of you get sick - only do what makes sense for you. Please believe that internal and brain stress are emotionally, spiritually, and physically debilitating. Finally, peruse the internet (look up peruse - it does not mean scan/skim, it means to read very carefully and deeply) for those "spiritual; self-help; religious; positive-thinking", etc. websites that provide what you need inside. Speaking of inside - get outside to relax! Not so easy for me, either. Some days just want to watch tv, sleep, etc. But nature and fresh air - wherever you live - is very close. One tree can make me feel that all is well. Look at it - or a bird or anything - a baby! - closely, feel that "electricity" connection which is for all of us. Breathe. All is well. One way or another, all is well. Thank you for this topic which allowed me to talk about something that helps me so much, and I hope can help you! Please work on releasing guilt, omg. That's the hardest one of all. It doesn't mean you don't ever have to say you're sorry, or that you've changed your perception of things. Say that without guilt, as in you realize you have nothing to feel bad about, because everything is spiritual, and every moment is a learning experience. From "A Course in Miracles (paraphrased): You can choose love or fear, but know this: only Love is Real."
Before caregiving I HAD a spiritual life: happy, meditating regularly at a temple, going to special gatherings with people in this temple, pursuing my dreams, and always smiling from within. But since my mother moved herself up here from Florida 7 years ago, I hardly know who I am anymore.
The temple moved farther away, and the mother wears me out so much I have no time for any friends at all, and meditation fell out of habit too. When I am with Mom, her bossiness, annoying non-stop yaking, her self centered demands, manipulations, fakey behaviors and so on make me not even willing to smile at stranger. All those traits of spiritual development: inner strength, unshakability, patience, peace, tuned in to one's inner joy, higher thoughts about God, and so on: all drained away over the years. The temple moving just out of reach for me was the tipping point. But I haven't totally given up and find myself coming back to my own joy: even sometimes during the hours with Mom. But I am not close to being my true self until I am not with her. A day or so after being with her I find I like myself again. It's like constantly being wounded, healing and having to experience the wounding over and over again.
The anger and resentment I feel is overwhelming and there is little satisfaction even when Mom tells me she appreciates me. She doesn't realize how she hurts me and is unaware (and not interested in any type of honest talk that might make her look at her imperfect self.) We get along on a superficial level that is created to appease her, and to suppress my own needs. Underneath I am seething with anger, releved only by my occasional relaxed humor, or pretending I am alone, or pretending to have fun, or something as fakey as she is. It sure seems like a no-win situation!
There is no one else to help her. My brother is taking care of Dad. My sister is in need of care givers herself. I'm it. I try to make her have a good time when she is with me, comfort her, get her what she needs, I set my limits, and let her react the way she does. She used to call me Bitch, and really was abusive. Now she knows better. I try the old behavior modification approach and try to fan the flickering flame of love that is left.
I know God and my conscience is observing me, even as I observe myself. For sure I know I have had to experience the old childhood feelings that never were expressed: and I think that this passage was worse than a horrible disease for me. My mother was physically abusive and has Borderline Personality Disorder.
she has many good traits but her annoying habits and lack of awareness of others is very tough to ride with. Plus she is constantly fidgeting and trying to control every detail. I had to laugh last night. She was in in the ER (the day before I go on vacation: how typical). I walked to go to the bathroom and I heard her yelling at someone demanding something. When I return she's in the other mode, the oh I am so cute mode. It's so tiresome and fakey. Makes my tummy turn just to think about it.
Her time on earth for this lifetime will be up soon. I don't know if I'll miss her or not. I 've been saying good bye to her for over 6 or 7 years now. You all know how this is.
Well I'm getting ready to go on my 4 day mini-vacation: just some time with my old friends in a different state and I know I'll feel great as soon my tires hit the road tomorrow.
Happy New Year. Let's keep this thread going as we try to grow from these times.
In this very mixed up world where so few care - we are trying beyond trying to care and love for the sake of one poor soul who has lost so much of their life and are now dependent, and in the bigger picture to make this a better world of love and caring. In the end it is not so much about us and what we get out of it, but what we create for a better world (and individual elder) - the more far reaching implications.
It is not fun, it deprives us of a good deal of freedom and peace, it is heartbreaking! But, we live in a cush world today - think about those who gave and cared and nurtured so much in concentration camps, or still today the strife around this world under such extreme circumstances - the stories of those who give and give. What are we called to do? Give to one elderly person in need who may or may not be pleasant?
I am no Polly Anna - I try so hard to keep the big picture in mind (and believe me sometimes I cry real hard about it too!). In the end, I am dedicated to doing the best I can for someone who needs me and my love , my mom, no matter what. It is a commitment. I hope and pray that someday, God will have greener pastures for me. Hope is important!
I think another issue we face is the lack of understanding support and empathy (perhaps why we are all sharing on this blog). It is a lonely feeling, and maybe unless it is a parent and a loved one, folks just can't relate and provide the deeper complex support we need - or the not so deep practical support. I think that the problems with lack of empathic support in our lives confuses our sense of the spirituality behind what we do. In the Christian faith, we are to be Christ to one another, and when that falls short it is yet more disappointing. I am sure other faith traditions can weigh in with their own analogies. It seems thankless and not understood, I have to believe that on a much greater plane, it is right and good! Love one another as I have loved you. Just love for the sake of love and loved ones... the rest will come into focus sometime.
"Care". Please don't miss the forest for the trees....we might be the next to be cared for
Sirach 3:12-15
[12] O son, help your father in his old age,
and do not grieve him as long as he lives;
[13] even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance;
in all your strength do not despise him.
[14] For kindness to a father will not be forgotten,
and against your sins it will be credited to you;
[15] in the day of your affliction it will be remembered
in your favor;
as frost in fair weather, your sins will melt away.
I read this over and over. God knows I did the right thing taking care of my father. My father died this October and I would do it over again.
But my father forces me to confront the ugliness in myself- I'm terrified that I am like him, and I hope every day that he will die soon.
We are human with all that entailes..there are spits & spats in every family. Please don't look over to who you are taking care of and say something negative when...the last breath is drawn.
It's really not so bad...yet. She no longer drives, and I set a firm boundary of taking her on one shopping trip per week. Since she hurt her knee and is becoming less mobile, she isn't going out as much as she would want to. And a friend takes her to Mass most Sundays...hurray!
But as she becomes increasingly forgetful and hard-of-hearing and not understanding things, it will become more difficult. I don't want to spend a lot of time around her. I don't want to hear her say, "Wait until YOU are like this." I'll have my own journey into old age, and I don't want to go through HER journey, too.
Ever since our big argument last May, I've tried to keep my distance. I don't call her up anymore. She made it pretty clear what she thinks of me.
I think my three brothers should be learning the lessons from caregiving our mother, NOT ME. I've told them that if it gets too much for me, that I'm walking away. None of them have dealt with the utter shock and world-tilting of losing a child. One or more (of THEM) should be dealing with the stress of our mother. NOT ME.
My mother still lives by herself (in a one-story condo). I'm her driver. She is still in charge of all of her finances, medical issues, etc. I looked at some ADL (Activities of Daily Living) questionnaires online yesterday, and realize that she is quite functional. Her reasoning and memory lapses aren't affecting her independent living abilities, at least yet.
In thinking about my past, I was subject to her extremely controlling ways and some borderline physical abuse. I distanced myself from her starting in my teens.
She's made it quite clear that she prefers my brothers, yet of course they are states away. Recently I learned that when my sister-in-law was pregnant, my mother told her that she (sil) must not want to have a girl. She must have said that because I've been such a disappointment to her.
Well, she's been a disappointment to me, too.
If my mother ends up being hospitalized for something, there's going to be the difficult decision of what happens next (if she can't live by herself any longer). She is NOT moving in with me, even temporarily. And I am NOT moving in with her. I will not be available to provide any post-op or post-rehab care, either. Been there, done that, and I was unappreciated and called a liar. ("You did NOT stay with me for 8 days!")
She has refused to look at any assisted living places, just for the future. So she will have no choice if it comes to that. It will be a crisis decision. And if she ends up in assisted living/skilled nursing, I intend to visit once a week. I will not be running there every day to manage this or that.
AND -seeing how my parents refused to plan for their retirement and decline and the stories on this site, my husband and I are determined that WE will plan, save money, downsize vs insist our son help us stay in a too-big, unmanageable house, hire help when needed and not delude ourselves that by having our son do everything we are "independent".
I am a very negative Nelly having dealt with the selfishness and nastiness of my elders and that goes for my parents and my inlaws. And what is see of my friends also in the sandwich generation. My grandparents on all sides of my family and my husband's family took the opportunity to voluntarily downsize, move to assisted livings etc. Why is my parents' generation so blasted self centered?
And no, I don't get any lovey dovey spiritual blessings from dealing with them. I just get more to confess.
I had to take my mother to church last Sunday, because her friend didn't know when she'd be going (went to a party the night before). My mother has all sorts of "rules" about going to church -- she holds on to the pews to move down the aisle (with her footed cane in her right hand). But then she didn't do what she said and was frantically almost calling out, "Where's your ARM? I need to hold onto your ARM!" I was annoyed. Someone told me, "Be glad you still have your mother. I don't." (And I felt like telling HER, "Be glad you still have your CHILDREN. I lost one of MINE.) Someone else told me that it was so good that my mother had me to "take care of her." I do NOT and WILL NOT "take care of her." I'm just her driver and medical secretary, as she tells people. She told the cardiologist's office that's all I do, and that her sons are her "personal assistants." Ha! She doesn't call THEM to plunge her toilet and fix this or that! I have told her she needs the rollator at church, but she refuses. Other "rules" include where she can and cannot walk -- large open spaces make her "panic" and any change of gradation or texture makes her creep along very slowly. (She has no sight in one eye, and her depth perception is horrible.) I HATE it when she's hanging on my arm.
I'd be a lot more understanding if we hadn't had the big argument last May, when she told me what she thought of me. I'm sure she will probably never reach the point when she's considered incompetent. So if that is the case that she can make her own legal decisions, then that's also the case that she can take some responsibility for what she says to people.
Maybe this is an opportunity for your spiritual growth.
From what you say, you are a wonderful caregiver for the kind of person who acts vulnerable and lets you know that they need you. That makes you feel good about yourself. However, now you are faced with a different type of person. So perhaps now, it is time for you to learn how to be a caregiver when there is nothing in it for you. It's obviously nice when we feel that there is some reciprocation of benefit, but how many of us are capable of giving when there is not? Can you learn to give without expecting anything in return? When will your sense of satisfaction come from within yourself despite or instead of from caring for another person? Are you capable of feeling good about yourself despite whatever she says? The toughest spiritual lesson is to learn is that it's not about you.
You don't mention what your mom is suffering from, but if it is dementia, it is not at all uncommon for the person to be demanding, difficult, angry, irrational, and on and on. You need to recognize that that is part of the disease that this person is afflicted with and that there is nothing that they can do about it. Even if your mom does not have dementia of some sort, it is quite likely that her emotional response is part of a disease process, and may be one that she has been afflicted with for a long time. If she has some other type of chronic illness, she is quite likely scared, angry, confused, and trying to exert her control over what shred of controllable things she has left. It will help if you can see that as her coping strategy not her just trying to make your life miserable.
Not everyone is going to be able to be vulnerable when they are faced with chronic illness and their own mortality. Your spiritual challenge is to figure out how you can find your own sense of reward in helping them anyway.
Let me put this another way. My mother's way of being disabled and dependent is morally repugnant to me. Placing myself in the service of something that is morally repugnant to me is itself morally repugnant. If she knew me better, she would understand that, but she is capable of blotting out everything she knows about me when it doesn't serve her purpose to understand it. That in itself is something I find morally repugnant. So trying to find a "spiritual lesson" in having to tend to her every need - no, no thank you. Seriously, no.
I saw my Mom as a monster, she put me thru the ringer, you can check my post; BUT I am thinking that like a child who misbehaves or acts out, that was my Mom's way of getting help or attention. She didn't know what was wrong with her (before test & UTI)....
It's just tough, very few moments that feel spiritual.
My advice don"t take it personal, it's not about you it's about her.
I wish I knew that up front. Good luck
Strangely enough, she has also had better reasoning and memory. This has been going on for a few weeks, so I don't know what to think. This time last year I thought her time left on earth was getting short. Now I wonder if she'll live a lot longer.
There is a spirtiual aspect in life, period. At some point in my life i began to feel that my mother was possessed by a demon. It was because I could not phanthom a mother doing the things she was doing to me over and over. These things and feelings bought me closer to God. And being closer to God makes me able and is my refuge when she does the same old ugly thing in different ways now.
The spiritual part is also accepting that i can't change that ugliness, that its been there and aint going nowhere so why fool myself. I just get frustrated when I get stupid enough to think there is an inkling of reasoning when there never has been any in past.
The spiritual part also keeps me loving the sometimes monster that is my mother. Lets me stand my self for putting up with it for a lifetime, otherwise I would be crazy as a "bedbug".
It also gives me hope that my life will get better and gives me strength to keep trying to do this job well and when its all done that I can rest in peace.