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Wonderful electricity analogy and I think you could apply that to any endeavor.
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JessieBelle - I sure relate to the spouting off and the regret afterwards. Some people bring out the worst in us and controlling mothers are right at the top of that list. My ex-husband brought out the worst in me too, but him I could divorce. (Notice the word "ex-") All I can say is don't beat yourself up about it. You're only human, and you're in a very stressful situation with not much opportunity for relief. Sigh....
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Not having the sense to come out of the rain. Ha! I must remember that one. Yesterday my MIL told me she "went" to physical therapy (being wheeled downstairs in her wheelchair and hoisted on some apparatus) and was displeased because her "trainer" wouldn't let her use the vibration machine. This woman can't even stand up anymore but thinks she should train like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I told her she should wear a helmet and she gave me a nasty look.
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Caregiving is a humbling experience. Today I did a bad thing. I was talking about leaving a tip for the valets next week for Christmas. I've been tipping the valets each week for five years now because they help me so much when I take Mom to church. Mom started talking about how I should do the tip and breaking it down, turning a simple matter into a complex problem. Then she started in on how I didn't know how to do these things. I reminded her I was 65 and not 14, but she wouldn't let it go. I am so ashamed to say that I told her she didn't have enough sense to come out of the rain, so I would handle it. I felt terrible saying that. Then I felt silly feeling terrible, since I had just listened to 10-15 minutes of her belittling remarks at me. The truth is I feel like she can say all kinds of bad things to me, but I have to treat her with respect every minute. Oh boy, if I ever did finally say all the things I was really thinking. I feel bad that I even said one thing. I'll try not to do that again, since it was a bad thing I did... for both of us.
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Jessie - you shared something that's a big part of my motivation too, maybe all of it. I am a person who shows up and steps up. I do it for my mother not out of love but because someone has to. The only motivation I feel to do it is the desire not to leave other people stuck with it.

Having said that, there's an opportunity cost, in terms of not being available for other, more important, life experiences. I was able to be with my sister when she died, because my sister lived only a few blocks away from my mother. But, a few years ago, an old friend of mine died in New York while I was stuck in Florida with my mother, and I wasn't able to be there for her at all or even say goodbye to her. I feel such deep regret about that. I'm sure my mother's confident that she is and should be top priority, but she's not. The fact that caregiving for my mother not only has no meaning for me but deprives me of experiences that would have great meaning, that's really hard to take.
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Carla, you've raised some very relevant issues. Having read yours, CW's and Jessie's posts, I find it hard to offer anything comments that are as insightful. In addition, I don't see spirituality in the sense of relation to religion, but rather as an element of living with the natural world.

This is a topic about which I need to think so that I can offer comments as eloquent as CW and Jessie.

Back later when my brain is functioning more clearly.
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I think it is hard to feel positive about the caregiver role if you never get any affirmative feedback. I'm sure your friend and your sister showed their appreciation for the help you gave them, and that validated your efforts and affirmed that what you were doing was good and valuable.
When we care for someone who has never been able to show appreciation, like you or Jessie, or someone like my mother whose dementia has stolen her ability to see the world outside herself, it is harder to know if there is any value to what we do. I've often lamented that even a newborn can smile with happiness, a dog will wag it's tail or a cat will purr, but my mother gives absolutely no feedback no matter what I do, so how do I know I am doing the right things?
So why do I do it? I look back at my life and I can clearly see the building blocks that gave me the ability to take on this role. I look at my mother as she once was and I know without question that I would never have abandoned that woman, so I continue to honour the mother, the woman, she used to be. And I hope that wherever the future takes me I will be able to look back at this time in my life as another building block that has helped me to grow into the person I need to be.
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This is something I'm also very interested in. I think there is much spiritual growth possible even when the spiritual bond to the person is not there. It is spiritual growth inside ourselves.

We are often asked here on the group that if things are not good, why don't we just leave. That is a very hard question for me to answer, mainly because I don't know. Sometimes there comes moments of clarity that let us know things about others and ourselves. The other morning I woke up and realized that I didn't leave because I am a responsible person who thinks of how my reactions will affect others around me. It was as simple as that. Realizing that was enlightening for some reason, since I had been feeling like something must be wrong with me for not leaving.

I know my mother well. I know that if I were to get pulverized by a truck in an accident, her thought would be who was going to buy groceries for her now. I don't seek love in a place where there is none. However, I am not that person. Will I miss her when she is gone? Probably not, because no bond ever formed between us. While she is here I will do the best I can to keep her semi-comfortable only if it is because I am responsible.

I could write a whole book on this, getting a lot deeper, but I think I'll leave it alone and let other people write things. It is hard to put things in words. It's a bit like trying to explain how something looks, tastes, or smells. We can experience things, but not be able to explain the feeling. I like those moments of clarity when the feelings put themselves into something that can be put in simple words.
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