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I am in my 60's, retired. I no longer need physical care and feeling good. I am able to walk, think clearly, cook my own meals, bathe etc. My middle-aged son cared for me and took complete control but I don't need him now. I should have died 2 yrs ago and through his innuendo's I believe he was waiting for me too. my income is not enough to live elsewhere and we both own home so feel stuck and he won't leave cause house paid off and free rent. we aren't talking to each other due to ridiculous arguments that don't make sense. I actually feel psychologically bullied. Anytime I want to do something he blocks me ie, after discussing and getting his approval I bought tent gazebo to sit in backyard but he the last 3 months he kept giving excuses...first the ground not level so I had rototilled, then too many rocks and glass which there wasn't but had it picked up, then fence need repaired for dogs so family member offered but he refused saying only he can repair but had to work (plus he sprained foot) so offered it as temporary fix and free but he refused, then he no cause he couldn't pick up dogs poop everyday so I bought me pooper scooper and we argued, then I started putting up with family when he was out of town but his wife called him and he called family and said put on cement slab but he knows too small and gazebo frail and need stakes in ground to stabilize and dogs would knock over so family left, then he said I would have to wait for a cement slab....we never eat as a family, interact, he rewashes my dishes when they're clean, doesn't want me using refrig cause my food will poison his even if bagged and sealed, won't put in a/c unit but has one in his bedroom, hides TOILET brush (can't figure why), can't have visitors or he gets mad so I feel isolated, had towed my car not out of concern for my safety but he has 4 vehicles and doesn't want me taking space, he pointedly gives me the silent treatment, he stopped me from cooking stating the filters will burn, oven heat makes him hot and microwave takes electricity (I snuck in a coffee maker in my room and the warmer hot enough I can steam veggies and wraps in foil to eat hot food)...you get the picture. he held a grudge against his grandmother til she died over a misunderstanding that she tried to resolve so I think he is doing the same with me. he did not grow up in an abusive home but his wife did and has convinced him he did too. it may be what bonds them. so I don't know how to make my life better. no one is listening to me and son mad if i speak out so I've stopped.

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He is controlling you and being a Mom, I understand no matter what, you love him. But...you are enabling him by letting him control you. Put your foot down and tell him he has to move. get a lawyer and get him off as your POA if he is that. Hopefully you have enough money to live your life the way you want to, sounds like you have a lot of friends and family other than him. He has been spolied way too long, times up. enjoy the rest of your life in peace. 60's? People are dating still in their 70's, 80's and 90's, think positive. Its going to be so hard, but so worth it and you are doing him a favor, remember that. He will hate it, but he has to get out and run his own life, not yours. Look it up on Dr Phil, he has had many shows on this kind of situation, Adult Children Living at Home is not right unless of course they are in college or ill.
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Wow. If you own this home, evict him. Put a restraining order against him contacting you. Sell you home if you need to, recruit help legally or from friends if you need it. I would rather live in a refrigerator box and eat cat food than go through what you describe. He IS bullying you and it is not your imagination. He actually sounds somewhat mentally ill as well as abusive. Who cares what 'reasons' he might have for this behavior. You sound as if you are able to get around, so if you have a friend or two who can put you up while you sort this out in the immediate sense, then I would get away from him. He may be trying to force you to be the one to leave so advice legally is probably the best thing first. What an ordeal. God bless you!
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I am middle daughter to a 92 year old mother...she has mid-range dementia...and as is typical...character traits that like stubborn, passive aggressive, and negativity is a daily struggle with caring and living with her....I must tell u it is not easy bit I never do to her what your son is doing to you! YOU HAVE GOT TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP...ALL COMMUNITIES HAVE AGENCIES LIKE SENIOR ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS AND
ELDER ABUSE ORGANIZATIONS...STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS...YOU CAN HAVE HIM BUY YOU OUT GET A SENIOR LIVING APT IN YOUR AREA THAT MAY BE AFFORDABLE THOUGH GOV. PROGRAMS. GET OUT OF THERE HE IS A SELF CENTERED EGO MANIAC...YOU DESERVE QUALITY OF LIFE...NOT LETTING YOU COOK A WARM MEAL IS ABUSIVE AND INHUMANE....PLEASE DO IT TODAY. A HEALTH AND HAPPIER LIFE IS AS SIMPLE AS HAVING RESPECT AND TRUST THAT YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE......GOOD LUCK AND PEASE LET US KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO!!! God blessings
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Call Protective Services ASAP and seek help. You should not live this way.
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There's a lot that's wrong with this picture. And it's not all one-sided. You're not getting along and it takes two to not get along in this way. Your narrative -- which is making some responders so sure that "this is abuse!" -- is full of speculations about his motives. I see arguments about stuff like gazebos and having dogs and your car. I see a lot of conviction that you are a victim here, and not a lot of awareness that you're talking about an interactional dynamic that you have some part of. I see that you've got a lot of pent-up feelings that I'm sure felt good to vent; but your pent-up feelings are not the whole story. I am a mediator and I can tell you that there are at least THREE stories: yours, his, and what's actually going on.
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Go on your own. Choose a place to live that is close to care you will need later on. Work with your attorney to shelter and protect the money you get from 1/2 the house (if your son really did pay 50% of the cost of the home). If you do end up needing someone to manage your money, have the attorney recommend a conservator, a neutral third party who will act as a buffer between family and you over your funds. See about investing the house money in an annuity that will pay monthly if you don't have much retirement income. Maybe you can have a less stressful relationship with family when your issues and theirs are entirely separate.
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DebraJo - Definitely call adult protective services. Do it when he is not around. Do not wait either. Call your friends and tell them what is going on if they do not already know. I will tell the services also so they can vouch for you. There is no way that son can tell them that you cannot care for yourself. You need companionship right now. Please take care of YOU!!!!
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Debrajo, I'm with everyone else - get out of there or get son out - those are your options.

You should not have to live this way, and it sounds like it's really affecting you very badly.
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Debrajo, you're not old, you're in your 60s. Your recovery from pancreatic cancer shows you're constitutionally built to last, too. Come on, this is a lot of life still to go that we're talking about - there has to be a way forward. I'm glad you found an attorney you liked: did he/she come up with any suggestions? I understand about not wanting to get too heavy, but what about mediation?
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Yes... I agree!... you shouldn't have to live like this!...
(funny though, in my case it's my mother who tried to 'run' me... even at 86!... She's always been this way... head strong... I found you can't change them!)
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I can hardly understand your statements as they all run together. However, this situation is not good for either one of you. If you value your life, either buy him out of 1/2 the house, or you leave. The two of you should not be living together. So make a change, or stay together and your life expectancy will be short.
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Short and NOT so sweet: Is this really how you want to spend your life? Locked in constant conflict? Clearly your son is not going to break the grip, so that leaves the choice to you. Are you SO unwilling to *lose* the battle that you will remain in this toxic situation? Get a lawyer and get out. (Just talkin' tough love. Wish you the best.)
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You definitely need outside legal support. You did the right thing by going to an attorney. Try to document everything you can about the situation. Since it can be hard to speak clearly and concisely when you're speaking with an attorney try to write down everything in advance. Keep it free of emotion (this isn't fair!) and stick to the fact (we are joint owners of the home and my son is exercising complete control over it, prevents me from having food int he house be doing xyz, etc.). You need to create a record. You most certainly need to get him out of the house if you can. If you both own the home (what percentage of ownership does each have?) the best solution may be to sell the place and take what's yours and get a new place. Just remember, document, document, document his record of abuse. And don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. See a doctor and have her examine you and confirm via written statement that you are mentally competent in case you need it later. Then tell your son to shape up or get the hell out. NO ONE should stand for abuse. If your lawyer says you have a right to it (i.e. if he is using more than his fair share of the property) get his cars towed. Fight back (after getting the advice of your lawyer about what you can do). Do not let your son's greed and immaturity make your life hell. Go out and meet some people. Refuse to sit back and be controlled. You're older; so what?! You're not stupid or incompetent or weak. Don't act like it!
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Your son is abusing you .you had better get help fast or you will be living in your room forever.Call the adult center to get legal help. There are places you can live according to your income. Maybe you just leave. It is called taking care of yourself first.God Bless
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I cared for my grandfather and I knew how hard it would be for son to care for me and his wife refused to help because she hates me and MY relatives. I stepped back thinking it would be easier for him but all I did was allowed him to gain complete control and become the thought police. now I'm able to be active in the community again and doing little things for myself so I don't blame him totally. I just am not sure how to fix it. I don't want to get too aggressive legally and trying to tread water in the home so I don't lose our relationship completely. he is the oldest and my other children are turning their heads to not deal with anything. plus they think because I'm 'old' that I'm senile. I don't have a mental or deterioration, I had pancreatic cancer. I think because I finally started pushing back that's what's causing the uproar. I'm looking for an online support group for seniors where I can vent when I need because I feel so much calmer venting. if I get too stressed my body stops absorbing nutrients so again thank you for responding.
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thank you for your comments and support. I have found an atty that works specifically with seniors. it was good emotionally just to vent and someone listened.
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Call Adult Protective Services. I'm surprised that you have allowed this to continue for so long. Son may be after your house, if he cares for you for a period of two years, if medically necessary, prior to you entering facility, not even Medicaid would kick him out of the house.
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No one should live like this! If you have other family nearby, why can't they get you out of this situation? At the very least, call Adult Protective Services or the police and request help. This is abuse and charges should be filed again your son and his wife.

God bless!
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