I need help battling having taken care of my 91 year old mother for 11 years at home, and now that she's in an assisted living facility memory "neighborhood" (how I love what they call it!), all she wants to do is to come home. She's a fall hazard, has beginning dementia, berates me, and badgers me to get her out of the facility, and cries constantly.

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iob, If you have recently placed her, maybe you need to stay away for a while. Don't go every day. Usually the facility or care home will tell you not to visit the first week so they can get her used to the new routine. YOU also need a major break after 11 years. Bless your heart.
Next time you visit, if she says anything like that, just give her a hug and tell her you'll "see her later" because you have some errands to run. Don't say "tomorrow", because maybe you need to do something for yourself tomorrow!
She is safe and you are still caring for her, but now you are living your own life.
It is difficult to detach, but you must, for both of you. Big Hugs!

I agree with all of above. Anxiety medication is so helpful. It helped my MIL so much when she was living with us. My mother is in a facility and the medication is a must. It truly helps with adjusting to the new environment, and continues to help with every day anxiety.

It's heartbreaking when our loved ones are upset, all of this is a big transition for all. So that is why the medication can help. I understand being berated and the constantly wanting to go home; I'm a veteran now of all that. But, although the elderly person doesn't realize it, a facility is the best answer. My mother has made many friends there and sees far more people on a daily basis, than she would living at home or even with me. Living at home and even living with a loved one can be lonely. Not to mention that it is a safer environment at the facility if they are prone to falling, as my mother is. She had been in the hospital every month for something, mostly falling.

I'm sorry about your mother crying; my heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful caretaker for your mom and doing the right thing even though she may not realize it. Things will get better in time. Bless you and take care.

From what I've learned on this site most elders say they want to go home. It sounds like your mother's dementia has advanced and/or she is battling depression. Also is memory care best suited for her now? Perhaps she would
do better in assisted living. We placed my dad in a memory care home when he was released from the hospital. He hated it. Dad is functioning at a higher level & we brought him home to live with us. The different levels of care vary from home to home, perhaps her doctor could help you with this. Her doctor should be able to prescribe some meds to help alleviate her fears. Also, I have found great information on dementia & caregiving at This is a difficult journey for both of you. You are a caring son. Wishing you the best!

With no info in your profile it is hard to give a pat answer. How long has she been in AL? Of course you know they have adjustments to make, so I would take her to her Dr., and try to get her on some meds for anxiety. It doesn't have to be long term, just long enough to help her adjust to her new situation... I always think of how our elders have heard horror stories about AL or NH , just as we have, and feel that a lot of their behaviour is caused from anxiety, fear of the unknown, and feeling they have been 'abandoned'. Of course this is not true, but if she has dementia, that will contribute to her fear. Sorry there are no magic answers, we could all use some of those, but I would not take her out, have you tried explaining the situation or does it do no good? Best of luck to you, and hope you are able to get some peace of mind soon. You have done nothing wrong, it is just time in your case for outside help. Let us know how things turn out. I am sure others will respond also to help you thru this difficult time... hugs.

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