Follow
Share

My mother went into a NH almost 2 years ago - Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia. Many of you have followed me in my journey but, for those that haven't my mother has been an evil, mean and manipulative narcissist her whole life. Once in the NH she called and screamed at me every day until I got so ill with the stress and blacked out driving my truck at 85, I changed my phone number and went no/low contact. I was very ill all last winter.

She's determined that "out there somewhere" there's a NH like a 5 star hotel where she can have a suite, room service and hot/cold running nurses/servants 24/7. It's an obsession. At this point she's close to the end but the social worker has given her a list of NH homes and wait times, which she beats me over the head with ... I'm the bad guy that won't allow her to go to a "we only accept royalty". In the past two days the social worker has given her a list of NHs and wait times - she's the angel, I'm the bad guy for not making nirvana happen tomorrow.

I visited today (go every other day now). My mother was in bed (as usual) and drifting in and out. After 10 minutes she told me to leave. I spoke with the RN and the doctor who agreed her time was near. At that point i discovered her chart was noted as "moving" - obviously done by the social worker when she said she wanted to move. At this point she couldn't move across the road!!

If she said she wanted to jump of a bridge would the SW provide a map of local bridges and call her a cab??? Maybe that's why there are never cars in the visitor parking - she fills these old folks full of fantasies which the inability to make happen they take out on their families. It is no small wonder that there's rarely a vehicle in the parking lot.

I'm so angry and I'd like to go after the SW tooth and nail but my mother has such a short time and what difference will it make? It will all be over soon.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Ashlynn, my thoughts are with you and what you are going through right now.
(1)
Report

Frankly, I think you're misplacing your anger. I really can't imagine why you would be so angry at the social worker. What did she do wrong? Making a notation on her chart to remind herself of your mom's biggest concern in her life right now doesn't seem like such a terrible thing to do. It just doesn't.
(0)
Report

driving at 85 mph and a house full of animals .. treat your mom like s*it . you just got busted upside the head 3 times with my veto stamp before you even got your shotgun loaded ..
(1)
Report

Ash, do you think it was maybe noted in mom's chart so that other staff saw it and would have a conversation with her? My mom's memory is so far gone that if she were in a facility she would never remember being told she was moving. Maybe it helps her to feel more in control?

When/if my mom is moved to a facility she will become quite agitated. Sometimes I see the agitation in her at home. It is those times that I start lying to ease her anxiety and make her comfortable. She will never remember the lies anyway.
(1)
Report

Ashlynne, I am new on the site, so I don't know your full story. But I know a cry of pain and frustration when I hear it. I am so sorry, you are having such a hard struggle. I don't have all the answers, but if you could , in your own heart, for your own well being, forgive your Mom . You can't change her and she missed the opportunity of a lifetime - - to be a loving happy mother to you ! In spite of her, you are a caring person and you tried very hard to take care of her -- anyway. Just make your own peace , because you tried, to love her and be loved by her. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
(1)
Report

Thanks for your thoughts ... with the exception of Cap who it would seem is off his meds again - sad when someone has little better to do in life than bash someone who is hurting. Frankly Cap, I gather you have a dating profile on line (us gals talk y'know) and are seeking a woman while going after and abusing some lovely women on here, you need to get your meds adjusted. If your sort came on my rural property you'd meet my shotgun and large dogs. Us country folk don't tolerate varmits.

I just needed to vent and thank you for listening and being there for me. My mother and I have never been close. In fact she's been a "Mommie Dearest" and I've spent most of my life avoiding her at all costs but, in the last years, I've given up my home and career to care for her and do the very best for her out of duty ... tis just the way it is.

I'm an only child, there is no other family and she has no friends. I have her Will and POAs for medical and property. I will do my best for her to the end. I sleep in snatches, lately vivid dreams of her. my dear father who passed `15 years ago. and so on.

Just a bad time right now and it will pass as everything does.
(2)
Report

Ashlynne is there any way to have your mother put on hospice since she is nearing the end. Doubt they would be willing to move her in that situation. I have followed your journey and you have offered me great advice on my journey. I wish you the best as journey is near the end. That social worker needs an educational awakening. Ignore her, her recommendations are mute at this point. My heart goes out to you.
(2)
Report

there are no cars in the parking lot because people are self indulging a******s . shame on that SW for being kind to your mom , listening to her concerns and giving her hope , false or otherwise .
(3)
Report

Ashlynne, I'm so sorry that you're about to lose your mom. Not matter how difficult they are, they're still the only mom we've got. My guess is that the switch is either a little wet behind the ears, or she was trying to be kind and allowing your mom to have a little hope/dream/distraction. And somehow it got charted. I'm not sure I would waste my energy on this right now. You can have an exit conference with the facility director after the inevitable happens. My mom was in a memory unit last year, and it didn't work out. After mom transferred to a nh, I sat down and wrote a detailed account of what had gone wrong, including naming the rn who was distributing meds on the vast morning mom was there. My mom was having a panic attack and the meds nurse was like " oh, they discontinued those meds yesterday" in fact no, they hadn't, but she had neither the inclination nor the compassion to try to find out what had happened. I was quite pleased to find out later that she was fired, as this was not the first complaint of the sort.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.