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I wonder if family members do not realize most of us also see "other" social media outlets all the time...Family members who are always using the excuse that they live too far away, which they were closer, wish they had more off time, etc. etc. blah blah blah........heard it all......then checking messages on one of those other pages and noticed that both of my nephews have been traveling, traveling, all over the country, having a ball, living it up and at not one time did either of them stop to even wish my Mom a Happy 90th Birthday...it goes without saying they have not been to see her in a year...one of them over two years. This is a sweet woman who thought the sun rose and set on these two...I always was so proud of them and the men they had become. I am now totally disgusted with all their bragging about their fancy lives and their accomplsihments....many of which they would not have even had the opportunity at were it not for my Mom and Dad. I know their Dad, my brother, did not raise them that way, but now that they have moved off and become "big shots" they have apparently forgotten all about the family roots that helped them both along the way. It is so sad to me that young folks now seem to care less about their families. I remember as a child having such a family filled, happy life that was centered about love and family and NOT how much "stuff" you had....but these two pretty much came up with everything they ever asked for and that was part of the problem...I am just emoting ...but it just makes me sad. No phone calls, no cards, nothing...no acknowledgement whatsoever to my precious Mom....There are some times when I think dementia is a blessing. Am I the only one who is completely ashamed of their own nephews, grandkids, etc. ????

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I thought my nephews hung the moon...thought the world of them. As long as they were closer and my brother was a big part of their lives, they were sweet, generous boys. Now that they have moved off and their mother (the ex) is their main influence, they have turned into selfish, greedy, could give a crap about anyone but me type folks that she is. And it is hard for me to understand because they saw a lot of the ugliness that went on back when she was married to my brother...they didn't see some of the ugliest parts, but saw enough to know who the instigator was...but now they are becoming just like her...and I am disgusted by them.
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It seems as though that is the way it goes. The ones who are the kindest, most giving, end up being the ones who are left to give...the rest of them just take and take and couldn't care less how we feel.
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I have 1 sibling who comes weekly to see Mom and gives me and husband time to get out or just not have to worry about Mom for a few hours and this siblings has the most crap going on in her life and the others know her worries but don't care..
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I hear you loud and clear... When my (only) two nieces (no nephews, no children) grew up, I made sure I was there (traveled 100,000 miles during my holidays/vacations) for every 'occasion' (baptisms, graduations, Christmas', wedding...) to watch them grow up... thinking I would be an important part of 'our' small family (not to mention the money I gave and spent on airline tickets, etc). One of my nieces was also my Godchild... Ever since my mother has come to live by me (with me) my brother and his wife (wife wears the pants in the family) have turned them against me... I am so disgusted with them all. You are so right to feel the way you do... I think that humans are pretty stupid and have a long way to go to any kind of higher intelligence.
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oh my goodness assandache...that's insane! where do these folks come up with these notions...and think we don't know what stinkers they are...and obviously that is putting it mildly. I just don't get folks...for me, I literally could not LIVE with myself if I had treated my brother the way they have treated Mama and me. I have been sick and he knew it and did not offer to help me in any way...I lost my health insurance when I left my job. And I will say I did not leave my job with the assumption he would foot the bill, but after using all of my retirement and other resources and now on the verge of losing my home and still he could care less. Were he in my shoes he would be railing at me all the time. But then he would never find himself in this position because those like his wife and him are NOT going to do it in the first place...unless it is doing something where they are very visible and everyone will know it....One of my Mom's friends wrote him a letter a while back blasting him for how he had abandoned me. I mean blasted him...I did not know she was doing it...I would never have wanted her to do it for anything...but she did it on her own....so what did he do??? he came here, brought the letter and showed it to me and literally blew me out of the water....but I tell you I had gotten so fed up by that point he got as good as he gave.....the nerve, cuss me out because of a letter that someone else wrote to him ...it was total guilt...he knows he doesn't do anywhere near enough but his wife wears the pants in that family and he is no philanthropic guru anyway, so between them they are tighter than dicks hat band.....it sure can take you aback can't it???
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That reminds of a story of one of my brothers who lives in the same town as Mom and I, NEVER visits but takes 2 week vacation to mexico every year and spends weekends at my other brothers mountain vacation home. (Mom and I have never been there).

Well about 6 years ago we were at my nieces graduation party and bro who lives in my town was saying he's retiring his wife (rn at a NH) proceeds to tell everyone that she thinks he should volunteer to drive Seniors to DR appts.. WHAT THE HECK! He has never not once in 14 years since Mom's been with me driven her any where!!! The last time she heard from him was last year! No Christmas/Mother's Day/Birthday card!!!
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OMG bookluvr....I feel like I wrote that.....it made me angry reading it as it is the SAME kind of stuff that happens here...except my sib does not live next door but does have two lake front properties (one of which used to be half mine but he and his first wife of the time threw a fit and demanded their half of the inheritance after my Dad passed...(they got closer to 75%. ) while he has started doing some things, he will still want to come here and cut this tree, that tree, clear this do that...and I have told him flat out....I don't want to do that to my house...I like it the way it is...long story short, even though they already "got theirs" I can see the writing on the wall that he plans on getting his share of this one too...I cannot believe it...iterally cannot believe it. We were so close growing up and Mom and Dad raised us right, but his didn't stick once he got married. He married someone who had zero and sat on her butt all day wanting everything under the sun, just didn't want to work for it....and so they took, and took and took all my parents lives and while my Dad resisted, my Mom insisted they help them, over and over and over again. I was also dishing it out to his kids, because at that time, family just really meant everything to me, and still does, but I look back at how much I did for them too and know how much my parents did for them. Any time something had to be "handled" I was the one who had to do it...my bro was no where to be found...He was too busy living his life. One time he actually stayed with Mom back before this last accident that resulted in me moving back from my home two hours away...he had been here all of one day. The next morning...kind of late into the morning, I was sitting in my home enjoying some coffee and he called and asked..."are you on the road yet?" I said what??? no, I'm sitting here drinking coffee and relaxing...He got very angry, said (the wife) had called and needed help STARTING THE BBQ GRILL...and I needed to get moving. I said are you freaking kidding me??? he said "look, I have a life and I have a wife"....OMG.....I could not believe it...let me tell you, while I know he is my brother and the Bible says all that about not talking against your brother etc. I have not beaten about the bush in letting folks know exactly how little they have done...and zero financially. I do not begrudge anything I have done for my Mom..truly I do not...but the absolute gaul of people who (pardon my french here) sit on their butts (I cleaned it up at the last second) and try to act like they are God's gift to caregivers make me want to vomit......

Another item on the financial end....refuses to help with any financial issues for us...his wife never comes here to see Mom (mom was good to her...they never had a cross word between them) but he came here bragging about how they visit their elderly neighbor regularly (who put herself in the NH just because she is one of those sharp ladies who just didn't want to be alone and chose to go to the NH) and while they were visiting...her roommie (who they did not know from jacks house cat) was whining about not having any cigarettes...SO THEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT THEM BOTH A BUNCH OF STUFF THEY WANTED....I just sat there and stared at him. I don't think he he thought "oh crap, I shouldn't have told that"....he is clueless. And yet, most people still think he helps...I went without a car for almost two years because he didn't want to help fix it (he is a whiz at auto mechanics and can fix anything) he had "given" me a truck (that was already mine but they stole it and tore it up completely) including no A/C . but thank God it does run. I had to drive that the entire time, including taking Mom to doctor's appts back when she could still get out of the house. I was scared to death Mom was going to have a heat stroke....and yet it didn't phase him one bit. On a positive note, he did finally bring my car back, fixed, at his expense...thank God...and I was appreciative...but it was only after I finally had enough and raised hell at him for both of them being lazy tail embarrassments to the family. unbelievable.... ooooo got a little off topic there didn't I...oops... :) I can probably mow the lawn without a mower right now...ha
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When my mom was alive and bedridden, trache, stomach tube, oxygen and constant suctioning of the trache or else she can literally choke to death, father did the major caregiving. When I came home from my full time, it was my shift. He was knocked out by 7pm. I would ask for help from oldest bro of next door (really just about a minute walk from our house to theirs.) They own a house and a 2 story duplex. But they have no money to help, nor the man power to help (3 grown kids with their mates and kids - all living there. 2 'boys' with no job but 'professional college students')

I always hated it when my fave niece would tell me that my 5 siblings were doing this or that from Facebook (yet they didn't have money to help me pay for a paid caregiver for at least on Saturdays.) They went to Las Vegas, or Texas. Bro of next door and his wife takes a yearly trip to the US, and Facebook photos of them eating in restaurants with crabs, lobsters, etc... Last year, they brought one of their son. (Airfare is about $2200 per person economy class.) Yet, my brother cannot fix our sliding door that keeps getting off the track, or the front door's screen that's been off and we cannot open the door or the mosquito would come in. Or check our electrical (bro is an electrician). When I asked him to check it, he told me to buy what he needs and then he will do it. Hello?! Am I an electrician to know what he needs to Check our wiring??? Yet he can go to my aunties/uncles home and REWIRE it!!! We had to pay an electrician to come to our home and check ours. And hope he was an honest person. And paid for the repair he recommended.

My niece of next door, is a school teacher. I found out from fave niece that niece-of-next-door would close on her FB that she has to go now to "help my aunty with Grandma." I blinked when fave niece told me this. wow.... She must have been an invisible person helping me all those nights! When mom passed away last year, soooooo many people praised my brother and his family next door for taking good care of mom! My brother/his family may live right next door but they don't visit for years. No Exaggeration. Every xmas or any holidays, they sit outside our front porch and set up the table and eat. But they do NOT come in at all.

Now that father is left, bro of next door has cleared our land around the house. Him, the wife and the boys are pulling weeds, bushcutting and planting Japanese grass. He has put all their old junk cars on father's top land. I see the writing on the wall. Bro keeps asking me if I found dad's Will. I keep saying no. Bro is executor of dad's Will. Dad has been telling us this for years. Bro definitely has plans for this house/land when dad dies.

FYI, when I was changing my mom's pampers last year before she died, my older brother was watching. He then proceeded to Tell me how I should do it. Of my 7 siblings, I'm the quick-tempered one. I stopped doing mom, turned to him in anger, and asked him meanly, "Do you want to take over?" And I started to take off my gloves. Bro immediately shook his head. After that, he never ventured to offer me advice when it comes to caregiving. I have been helping dad take care of mom these past 23 or 24 years. She was bedridden for over 13 years. Give me a d*mn break! I know more about how to change her pampers than my brother who doesn't even change his own 4 kids pampers when they were babies because it's a "woman's job"!
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Happy Birthday to your Mom assandache7. Mama did get several cards and her hospice nurse brought her the prettiest little red bird...which matched the blanket I had made for her....we kept it simple at the house, I was happy she got cards....I am still seething that my nephews did NOTHING. one of them noticed I was on FB for a bit and messaged me he would call Mama the next day but the call never came....very disappointed in those two....
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My Mom's birthday is this Saturday 92.. I wonder if she'll get any cards or calls? Both are too confusing for Mom, she obsesses over the cards and can't follow the phone conversation..

So as usual I'm left holding the bag..
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Givers give and.....takers, take!
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I think more than anything else, the past 2 1/2 years have shown me the total and complete audacity of human beings...
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And I know exactly what you mean about the comments when folks visit. One of my visitors whom I would just as soon stay away comes and talks about how she needs to come clean my house, clear off my yards, tend this do that. I finally had enough and told her I did a pretty good job I thought and if I wanted anything else done I would do it and she need not think she is going to do anything to my home. (this is an EX MOTHER IN LAW of my brother whose presence here is a mystery except that she has hinted about wanting to know how Mama's will is written...what the heck business that is of hers I have no idea....
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I totally understand. I do not go to my Facebook account much for the same reason now. It is hurtful and it makes me flat out angry to see them and their samrt a$$ friends all whooping and hollering about all the "fab" things they are doing...how cool they are, sharp they are, what all they are up to , how great and wonderful they all are and I see my sweet Mama lying here, never seeing ANY of them and I think, in my viewpoint you are all utterly complete failures of an epic magnitude.

I was also raised to respect my elders, all of them. My brother had it handed to him, and his kids had it handed to them, and therefore none of them know how it feels to actually earn what you have. The kids have no responsibility other than to themselves and let me tell you they enjoy their lives to the hilt. Good grief, I can remember when I turned 13 my grandfather on my Mama's side had a terminal cancer and we were always going there and tending their lawns, helping with housework and just being with him and grandma. I would not take anything for being with them as much as possible. Same with my other grandparents...we were there every weekend and in between as much as possible....I don't get any of this...tacky, rude, self centered, you name it, it is disgusting. It does seem like as long as the money was being handed out, they were always here, but once that had to cut back and then out altogether, that was the end of them. Sad....
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My parents always held their parents in high regard. There were phone calls and visits and holidays together on a regular basis until my grandparents passed. The last few years of my fathers life, many of my nieces and nephew (all living within 30 minutes of their Pop Pop) would visit once or twice a year. They happily accepted birthday and holiday gifts from their grandfather but when he was given a year to live (ended up living 2 1/2) they didn't see that as precious time to spend with him before he was gone. These are the children of my siblings who made almost effort either to spend time with our dad. After dad's death, they all had his picture plastered on FB looking for sympathy comments. The apple doesn't always fall far from the tree. It wonder if my sibs thought of that(?)
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I had to join this discussion, and I have to agree that there’s some people today tend not to show no acknowledge nor appreciation, or at least try to show that they care, and you can’t imagine what they will do or say. My mom takes care of my grandmother all the time, and when her sisters come to visit once in a while, instead of helping they comment how my grandmother's bed is that way and why she’s wearing that… or they will give orders while watching TV. I don’t think they realize how difficult is to take care of an older person.
I guess you can’t change them, all we can do is change the way we look at it, and wish them the best, not just for them, but first of all, for us.
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One more thing I closed my Facebook account because of all the same reasons you listed.. It hurts to see them going on with their lives with no care for their Mom/grandmother. My Mom has 20 grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren the only ones she has seen in the last year are my 2 kids..
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In my case I highly doubt my siblings will have any regrets.. They only care about themselves, they think by sending a card on holidays or birthdays is enough. I really can't or don't want to think about why they ignore my Mom. I'll never understand and nothing they say could make me respect them..
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You know, it is kind of sad for my brother, as I think he is starting to see how it feels now that his sons are not visiting them when they come near, etc. but kids live the way you teach them. These boys were taught right as they were little and their grandparents had more influence, but once they got away from that, they have just developed different personalities...I think of how hard I used to work to give them money and whatever it was they were wanting at the time and so did everyone else, and wow, am I ever seeing what a mistake that was. No appreciation, no respect, and apparently no feelings for anyone in our family. I just know that growing up how much I loved my grandparents....my parents were always involved in their lives and made sure we were as well. Once we got older, I continued to go to their homes with my parents..my brother not so much but I think that is how it is with guys maybe? anyway, I always knew how important family ties were, but I guess these guys just decided they were big men now and didn't need the family anymore. A lot of issues about all of that, probably better addressed on a psychotherapist couch..... I know that harboring resentment only hurts me as those kind of people could care less....but it is so hard not to be resentful when you know what came down the pike to get to where we are now. But all in all, it is them who is missing out....and they will one day regret it...if there is any decency in them at all.
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Hope22 your words are all so true!! I feel the same way about my siblings as you do..
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Oh Angels19 I hear you.. I'm sitting here listening to my Mom speak mean to me because she's sundowning, I am cursing my no show siblings (5 of them) in my head.. I want to cry for both Mom and me!!
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And again, the ONLY reason they have the kind of lifestyle they have is because of my parents, and also because when the wife divorced brother he did right by his boys and helped them all in every way possible...and considering the circumstances of their divorce, he owed her NOTHING.......I have to admit, when the time comes...and I hope it is a LONG way off from now...I cannot even imagine having to see any of them acting like they are grieving...to me you should show the respect when folks are alive...not after they are gone...they will be dead to me then.
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It is so sad.....I don't understand. I know if I Mama were better able to understand she would be hurt...I don't know, she may be now...but I try to just never bring it up and tell her how much we love her all the time. I pray she does not realize a lot of that kind of thing. It is so hurtful. The ex wife was the one who was the constant strife in our family. Cursed me and Mama all the time, called me every name in the book all because they wanted their "part" of the inheritance right after my Dad passed away...It was horrible...she plotted her most hurtful attacks right at the time of and right after my Dad's passing, times when you would think even the most horrid of humans could be decent. Not her. I know I have to forgive, but I am having a hard time. But the most hurtful thing of all is now those kids, who were too small to know what all went on back then, have totally abandoned my brother and so they post post post of all their adventures with their Mom, her husband, all their trips, their expensive vehicles, their success, blah blah blah...They don't even feel like part of my family anymore. They just were not taught to respect their elder family members...but then the ex doesn't even show respect for her own mother...it's all very hurtful....and made worse by all the constant posting of their adventures when they visit and go everywhere EXCEPT to see their grandma....I am...I'm completely disgusted and ashamed of them...Bless yalls heart....I understand.
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Seems like there are two kinds of people in this world: those with a conscience, and those who feel like the sun rises and sets only for them. I understand why you feel disgusted by this. I have a older sister who lives less then 25 miles from us, and she does not visit or call our mother. She sends the obligatory holiday card, and considers herself "good". Not long ago my sister had a birthday, and my mom managed to remember it and wanted to call her. I was uneasy about it, but I said "Sure." The call did not go well. My mom sounded terrible. She couldn't hear, she was scattered, and her anxiety caused her tone of voice to be shrill and distressed. Anyone would know something was wrong with her. I was in the kitchen fixing sandwiches and not able to take over the phone. The conversation was painful to hear, and thankfully was very very short, being under five minutes. Have not heard from or seen my sister since. Maybe I should reach out and let her know that mom was hospitalized last year, and that mom is not doing well. But I'd rather not. I know from past experience that my sister is shallow, selfish, and that any involvement from her is unlikely to be helpful.
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Additionally, one of the nephews was within a few miles of my brother and he apparently didn't even know they were coming that close. But then again, my brother and his wife have largely done the same thing....I guess it could be one of those "what goes around comes around situations.." but I can't help feel sad for him too.....I don't know...hard for me to understand.
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