So, today I kind of poked the bear…

I would kind of jump at the chance to do my mom's laundry. Except that I want to wash every single item of clothing that she owns. She isn't capable of using the proper detergents and such, so everything reeks of urine. She dries things for so long the smell is baked in. I KNOW it's possible to not have that 'old person' smell, b/c my MIL and her house smell completely clean--mom's place just reeks..and it spills over into the 'family' part of the house.

I think it's a combo of incontinence (which both mom & MIL have) and not bathing frequently enough. Mother swears she showers 4 times a week, but I know for a fact she only does so about once a week or less. She is double incontinent and not able to clean herself properly. I'm not putting her down, I'm just stating a fact.

I don't know if you 'poked a bear' or just felt like being in control. Doesn't really matter, does it? I can feel for both of you, you feeling like a slave and her feeling very put upon.

And yeah, why CAN'T her son do her laundry? Shoot, 3/5 of my sons in law and my own son do the laundry all the time. It's not like women are hardwired to do this task.

The fact that you will DO her laundry is unbelievable to me. That's your husband's mother. He should be doing her laundry IF she is unable to do it herself. Be thankful she wants clean clothes. My MIL does not like our washing machine because it "washes too long". I am fairly certain she washes her clothes in her bathroom sink but I am sure she can't do this with sheets and towels. And, she bathes once a week! She is 84 and she smells like an old person. Yes, some of it comes with old age but much of it is hygiene!

There are covid vaccines available - has your MIL gotten hers? That should allow her the opportunity to move into her own place - assisted, nursing, whatever. Have you checked out any that would be 'acceptable' to her, and put her on the waiting lists? Gotta have a end in sight.

Boundaries - set boundaries. Because there is nothing else in their lives, their needs and wants become immediate needs and wants. Given the situation you shared, my personal reaction would be no reaction - say - 'I will get to it when I get to it' - and then from there on, no more further comments from me about the subject matter - no matter what. I would put up a white board in her room with the current day and what you will be doing that day for her - ie. Tuesday- laundry. Anything outside that boundary - well, it will just have to wait. If she has a hissy fit - treat it like you do a child. Reasoning and logic don't work. Unless, of course, she has been diagnosed with dementia, which is another whole different ball game.

With what you are saying about her, she will never change - her personality, characteristics, her demands/wants and will not compromise. That was my mother, and I knew I could never have her stay with me for longer than 4 days. It was that type of contentious relationship. And I didn't feel guilty about it because if she had lived under my roof, unfortunately, everything between us would have escalated (since it never was all that great to begin with) and her time with me would have caused her, and me, much more stress and unpleasantness.

You have a family of your own with your own responsibilities. That is where you need to place your focus and energies. Maybe hire someone to come in 2x week to handle just your MIL laundry, room cleaning, sheet changing, whatever.... separate the chores and have someone else take care of it..

I would hand her the detergent and tell her to do it herself. Why are you acting as her maid?

If she is so impatient and nasty and lacks understanding, is she a selfish old woman or does she have dementia? Either way, I would let her have it in very firm terms that first you are doing..........and yes, you will do her laundry.....but if she is impatient and can't wait, tell HER to do it. Set boundaries and don't let her abuse you and upset you. If she harasses you, just ignore her and walk away - as if she does not exist. And perhaps it is time to put her somewhere. I don't think she should be in your home.

"my MIL recently moved in with us. She could no longer live by herself with her issues, and retirement homes are out of the question with COVID. She is not an easy person to get along with, but we’re striving to do the right thing and meet her needs. Some days are better than other, but come hell or high water, we’ll figure it out and make it work. We don’t have any other choice."

How recently did she move in with you? What are her issues? How else does she bully you? How did it happen that she moved in with you? Did you agree to it? Are there other siblings? What is her financial situation? Does she contribute money to the running of the household?

Hasn't the covid situation improved enough that she COULD move into a facility? After all, your two young children could bring covid into the home, so it's not as if that makes your home covid-proof, right?

Your MIL can do her own laundry, right? If not than she has dementia and in that case you need to be understanding.People with dementia are frequently like children in their behaviors and that is just the way it is. Acting childish yourself to get revenge accomplishes nothing.

Lizbitty: Imho, perhaps your MIL could do her own laundry or wait till you have a minute in your myriad of tasks to do.

I poke the bear, it is sort of like picking your battles. Some days her ‘impatience’ ( that being a nice way of putting it ) is beyond acceptable.
I stand my ground while she stands around with her purse over her shoulder waiting for me to take her somewhere I didn’t know we were going! Usually while I am eating breakfast and not yet dressed!
And low and behold she will now cooperate with me sometimes, so it can work!

Well, she'd better be nice to you ...or otherwise, she may just find that you "accidentally" shrunk her clothes in the dryer!! LOL!!

I’m also a caregiver so I get it. However, I realize that “poking the bear” is only going to succeed in deteriorating the relationship. I think it’s important not to get into power struggles with those who are reliant upon us. While I understand your frustration, two people pulling on ends of the same rope gets us into ineffective passive aggressive wars. We cannot change the way others communicate needs but we can change our behavior and establish mature (vocal and physical) communication & limits. I’d suggest you investigate how to implement healthy boundaries or this may become a toxic relationship where nobody wins. A good therapist can help as can reading about how to express our needs and preferences (while being of service). Rather than building resentment, you could work on how you respond to her need for immediate gratification. This situation may not actually be about laundry. It could be an anxiety response, loneliness or not having control of her own existence. She may be expressing a need for connection or to be seen. Do you ever just sit with her and chat or have tea or is it mostly about you seeing her as a job? Maybe she needs another person to help her with some needs (so you get a break) or something social so see still feels viable. It takes practice to listen to the underlying emotions a person comes to us with. Marshall Rosenburg’s Center for Nonviolent Communication taught me a great deal about how to create healthy communication with challenging people and situations. You might look him up. Instead of “poking the bear,” imagine your MIL as a small child who, just as your own child, deserves patience and gentle understanding. It’s hard not taking others behavior personally but often when people are vulnerable (or have few coping tools), they act out just like a child. You must be the adult here just as you are for your son. I wish you luck. Caregiving asks a lot of us all.

You are not poking the bear. It's your house so it's your rules and things will get done on your time.
MIL is not the queen of your castle. It was very gracious of you to be willing to do her laundry.
If she starts up complaining or running her mouth because you don't jump the moment she says to, shut that down quick.
Tell her quite plainly that if she cannot shut up then she can get the hell out of your house.
Then stick to it. You are right to not touch her laundry and don't do it. She needs to learn that you are not going to be pushed around in your own house.

Being infuriated is not the same as being spiteful. Neither is saying no. When kids get up your nose and you say no not now, you aren’t usually being spiteful. Being tolerant, understanding, and jumping ASAP is pretty much the same as having no boundaries.

Can you hire a helper for a few hours a week for those tasks for your MIL.

I don’t have to take care of young children and still found it difficult to care for my mom and do all the required care and my own housework. She could be needy and demanding too.

Does your MIL have Medicade ? Medicade has a program called In Home Suppotive Services. They will pay for a person (and it can be a family member) to perform household duties. (You must apply, background check too)

Getting help at home may alleviate some of the stress.

Good luck.

Good for you!! Well done

Bravo!!! :-)

If I could add clapping emoji's to this message, I would!!

Liz is there any chance that she's having a problem with incontinence? I ran into this with my mom. She was a)embarrassed that she'd soiled her sheets b) wanting the evidence taken care of asap. Obviously this doesn't resolve the problem but it might be a birds eye view as to why she wanted it done immediately.

Good for you for setting boundaries, they will be needed. Wishing you the best.

poking the bear is always spiteful.
I understand frustration and irritations.
but, I don't understand how being petty can be an act of self-empowerment.
If she needs assistance with laundry, she must have some physical or mental limitations.

Sorry to go against the general grain here but two wrongs don't make a right. Yes, I can understand why you were annoyed. But acting spitefully achieves nothing but more stress on your relationship and the task on hand. The elderly didn't have the pressures when they were young that we do today, so they just cannot relate or comprehend. Her laundry was the only priority in her life at that time. Is it frustrating? Hell yeah. But if she really needs the help with her laundry, think of how frustrating and sad it was for her to feel so needy and powerless. Instead of being spiteful, you could have given her a time of when it was good for you to do it. And besides, what did it take away from you to throw her clothes into the wash and just start the process to make her feel calmer and not ignored. The entire situation could have been calmer and easily averted if at least one of you had more patience.

Hahaha... sorry. I too have to deal with being the meat in the sandwich of generations - both ends are a little impatient, a little demanding, feel a little entitled. Why are you doing your MIL's laundry? Unless she has dementia and can't remember how to do it, I "encourage" folks in my household to do their own.

Ahhh. Your story tickles the soul. You can certainly do your MIL's laundry when you are doing laundry anyway, or even do her laundry on request if and when she asks nicely and is not being demanding.and attempting to control you. Just like with kids, "reward the good behavior."

Good for you ! Boundries !

Remember the elderly have very little to do so their needs are at the top of their list and they expect yours are also. She needs to be gracious and respect your role as a mom first.
Maybe she needs more hobbies to keep her mind off of her laundry.

My mother is a bear. she is drama queen and over focused on her health which is good for an 85 year old ( able to walk, drives, make food) I poke her when i ignore the droning on of her health and how every doctor and nurse is so mean to her.

For the most items, I have a routine so that my mom knows when to expect room cleaning, laundary, fresh fruit/veggies, bill pay etc. For the unexpected items, if I am not available, I just tell her I am busy and will get to it later in the day/week. Sometimes I ask her to go ahead and do it herself if it is urgent (e.g. mid week laundry).

That kind of impatience is a characteristic of some people as they are aging. It may be an early sign of dementia. Here's an article I found about it https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/is-impatience-an-effect-of-dementia.94794/ It can be very annoying, but treat her as you would treat your own child. She probably can't help being this way. Most likely she forgot her request after a while. It may be time to discuss with your husband your Plan B, if your MIL needs more and more care. Your basic options are having help come into the house (maybe someone could also do your laundry!) or assisted living. There are some things in between, such as elder day care that can be a break for you. Connect with a local social worker to find out what your options are. Also build breaks into your plan. You are going to need breaks, and your mother may get to a stage where she can't be left alone if you want to go on a vacation with your family. Try to learn as much as you can about what to expect with dementia. Be forgiving.

I would have done the same thing. Is there some reason she can't do her own clothes?

If you haven't done it yet, you need a good sit down with her if no Dementia is involved. You can never reason with Dementia. (If u have small children, how old is this woman?) You tell her she is not a priority, your children are. There are certain things for them that have to be done at certain times. If she needs something and they need something, their needs will be met first. That she is living in your home and you will not be bullied in your home. That she needs to have patience. That you are not there to be at her beck and call. Set boundries and stick to them. She is acting like a child so treat her as one. Also, don't disable her. She should be doing as much as she can for herself. If she has any assets use them to place her in a nice Assisted Living when things sort of get back to normal.

All the time! So-Buddhists’ and I’m sure lots of others have some sayings...something like…
-the one holding the hot coal gets burned
-if a house is burning, try to save people, if you can’t, save yourself
Easy to say, I know. My FIL often makes indiscreet remarks…about all kinds of things. Some are annoying and some are rude and hurtful. I try to breathe and let go of the ‘hot coal’. It’s got to be difficult losing control. I also came to realize, with help from others, that some discussions are better left alone…throw logic out of the window.
Try not to let her get under your skin. It’s probably fear that drives her actions…or perhaps she a narcissist. I know there are lots of articles in this forum about dealing with that personality,
good luck!

Can't she go to the laundrymat if she wants her clothes done right then and there?

You want your laundry done Lady? Then you ask nicely.

As with children.. If they yell or demand. No. They may come back when they are ready & ask again - nicely.

No ask nicely = no get!

If MIL throws a 'tanty' & gets her way - expect that to become her mode of operendi.

I love your 'poking the bear' phrase 😆. Just add 'Growling Bear doesn't get her laundry done' to your phrasebook.

With any story, living with an in law is a game of kerplunk.

That's it!
Send out the bear's laundry from now on.
She can place it in the bag to be left at the front door.
Both laundry and dry cleaning.
They will bill her.

Be happier!

This is just an idea.