All day long my 93-year-old mother with dementia curses at me and finds fault with everything I do.. I am her primary caregiver. I just can't take it anymore. I am very depressed and angry. She is a mean miserable person. I am calling my doctor to give me something for depression. Hopefully it will calm me down and stop me from crying for a good part of the day.

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Sue, you certainly did the right thing! It sometimes takes several weeks for a new resident to settle in. (Some with dementia never do, but the facility can usually still handle them.) I'm glad you found a place that seemed appropriate. My mother's nursing home celebrated their 50th anniversary while Mom was there. It was kept clean, smelled nice, and the rooms were painted periodically. But it was a 50-year-old building! Apparently most patients 50 years ago were bed-bound, and there wasn't equipment like a sit-to-stand machine or apparently not many wheelchairs. The place is poorly designed for modern equipment and activities for residents. Unlike your mother, mine had never expected the best of everything. If she ever noticed that the building was not first-rate, she never commented on it. The care was excellent. Many of the staff had been there for years. The nurse who hugged me with tears in his eyes when Mother passed said his mother and his aunt both died in that facility. There are things more important than a fancy building.

My mother never did figure out that she had a roommate, in the 2 + years she was there.

I hope your mother settles in well and has some peace at the end of her life. But even if she doesn't, you made the best decision under the circumstances.

MYPETUNIA615, keep your options open. Placing a loved one in a care facility is extremely stressful, but it can also be the best choice for all concerned.

I hope both of you will keep in touch her, and let us know how things are working out.

My Petunia,
This job is so hard and stressful! I want to blow my stack sometimes too. I find myself trying to explain things and then remember that doesn't work with dementia. Just wanted you to know your not alone! Hang in there.

Hope everything is going well Sue! May you have a little peace and sleep now with your hubby. I'm sure your both going to feel better soon. Your Mom will do fine too. (This May be a pep-talk to myself lol!) Grace and Peace for you today.

Good move, Sue. I know that you & hubby did not make this decision lightly.

You both tried your best, but it turned into a bad deal for all 3 of you. Mom now has 24-7 care that does not suck the life out of you and your marriage. And Mom can rage total strangers! (Or not?! Funny how targeted their tirades can be. Even tho they “don’t know what they’re doing.” 🤔) BIG HUGS.

Promise us that you & hubby will get back in your old groove ASAP. He sounds like a great guy. You both deserve every chance to appreciate and enjoy each other. For as long as possible.  💕

Bless your heart, Sue.

We did the inevitable. Friday morning we placed my 94 yr. old Mom in another memory care facility, this one much closer to us. Fortunately, the new one isn't as expensive as the last one and she can afford it on Social Security. It's no where near as 'fancy' as the last place but is clean and doesn't smell of urine or any other unpleasant odor. They have good staffing and we got a recommendation from someone we knew. She won't have a private room at this place and will be sharing a room with 2 other women (in her non-Alzheimer's years, she would have hated that) but, at this point, I'm not sure that she would even understand that they're there.

I was having high anxiety when she was here at home and popping too many Ativan just to cope. When she'd be screaming and hitting, I'd get chest pressure, sometimes headaches. I haven't taken any meds since she left.

She got along with my husband at the last facility (he used to paint her nails) but, since she moved in with us, she hates him! She'd scream when he touches her and calls him horrible names, swears at him and hits him. Obviously that doesn't make for a calm home.

There are 28 other people at this new facility and I pray she will "fit in" and not just scream all the time and have to be medicated into submission.

Gosh I feel so bad for her. I feel like I've abandoned her to a less than elegant existence that she would have expected (guilt). (As a narcissist, she always wanted the best of everything.) She doesn't realize anymore what's elegant or old and decrepit, so I guess I shouldn't worry about that. I'm just sad that it had to come to this.

My hubby and I were "going at it" occasionally also (due to her), so that wasn't healthy either. We're looking forward to more peace and quiet and more cuddling. (One of us had to sleep in her room at night due to wandering and instability.) This really was no way to live. I know it's not her fault but I wish I could have helped her and changed the situation for her. She was never happy here, always complaining, demanding and screaming. The poor thing was so out of it at times it was hard for me not to cry. I did once, in front of her, and she just looked at me. She had no idea what that emotion was. She doesn't even know who I am.

We were so tied down that I just stopped going outside. I'm looking forward to feeling the sun on my face again. Maybe I'll feel better when we visit her tomorrow. Hopefully she will have settled in.

Under this heading, "I'm so stressed out", I think hubby and I have finally 'hit the wall', as they say.

Last night mom completed Alzheimer's stage 6e-fecal incontinence. She called from her room, after having been asleep for an hour, that she had had a bowel movement in her diaper. Of course, we cleaned her up and put her back to bed. Hubby was assisting to hold her while I wiped and washed. He has cleaned her after using the toilet but has never had to peel an entire movement off the skin. (Sorry for the weak of stomach.) I wonder how well he'll do when I'm at work. (2 days/wk.) I was dreading this stage. Now it's here! I also wonder how our night time caregiver will work with this? Hopefully it won't be a deal breaker.

Hubs and I have been talking about our decision to bring her here. First, we actually had no idea how bad her dementia was. Visiting once or twice a week at a memory facility is NOTHING like living with the person. Also, I think she progressed farther into the dementia when she moved here, due to the disruption in routine.

*We worry about the constant screaming at the top of her lungs, for our landlord who lives upstairs and our neighbors. I hope we aren't asked to leave. We are normally very quiet tenants.
*We both have had back injuries and we're concerned about the amount of back pain we have from lifting her. I just had injections in my shoulders, neck and hips for arthritis pain. I also had female surgery in May and the doctor said not to do any heavy lifting. He said that I may undo the reconstruction he had done and I would need to have another surgery to repair it. I have been feeling pressure and fullness in the area and hope that nothing is "coming loose" because I've been lifting her. I also get chest pain and tightness when she won't give up on the screaming.
*We both are concerned about the loss of intimacy in our relationship (Not just physical). We are so focused on her that we forget to focus on each other. It seems like forever since we had a good hug.
*We both feel like we are emotionally at the end of our rope with her constant questions, whining, bad attitude, nagging, ordering, screaming, telling us how we're killing her or how we want her to die, refusing to eat unless hand fed, told that we're doing everything wrong, etc. Sometimes her meds work and other times, they don't We are medicating OURSELVES to cope.
*We can never go out together. She's pretty much not able to travel without a great deal of preparation and assistance. Then, we have no guarantee that she wouldn't "act up" wherever we are.

This is why hubby is out looking at nursing homes right now. He's touring 2 this morning. It's sad that she can't spend her last years, months or days in our home but she will be the death of us if we keep her here.
This is how we will alleviate the stress that could cause us major physical problems if we keep taking care of Mom. We have 20-25 years left, (hopefully in good health), she would be lucky (or unlucky) to have 1-2 years left. It's a shame this disease exists that ruins so many of us.

Thank you everyone. I feel for each and everyone of you. Hugs to all of you. Maybe one day we will all be able to smile again.

Aye, our parents are driving us to drugs. ;-(

Mypetunia, I wish there was a way that you could get your own space and not have to wake up to this every day. If you are like me, you keep telling yourself that day will come. The bad thing is I don't know if I'll be the same person after this is over. This has been a very traumatic stretch of life. I know that live-in caregivers for people with dementia know what I am meaning. Maybe it will change us in a good way. I think it is the best thing we can hope for. So far I've not been very happy about how I've handled things, though I know I've done the best I can given I'm working with a bearcat. :)

Dear Sue and Mypetunia,

Sending love and hugs to you both. I know its hard. Both of you are so good and kind to take on this challenge. Even though we know are parents' brain aren't what they use to be, it doesn't make being in the trenches every day any easier. I hope the both of you can get some respite.

Oh MyPetunia,
I'm in the same boat. My mom is 94 and the meanest old lady on the face of the planet. She screams a lot of the day and is never satisfied. I have learned to ignore her unless I need to do something for her like give her a drink or offer to go to the bathroom. Today I brought her a fresh baked cookie and she got mad and asked why I was sitting next to her! When I said I had brought a cookie, she asked if I was trying to poison her with it! Yes, I know her brain is broken but soon mine will be also (from going mad!)

I tried both the SNRI anti depressants and the SSRI antidepressants but they gave me strange heart palpitations and chest pain, so I stick to the occasional Ativan for "nerves" (actually when I feel I'll explode). This is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I wish I could give you a big hug (and I'd take one too) and we'd share our horror stories and a tear or two and find the strength to keep on going with these demon mothers.

Thank you Midkid58 for giving me the chance to vent. I was having a bad day. Sometimes talking to someone who really understands you makes all the difference.

Antidepressants are just a part of dealing with depression, They don't make you happy--they just allow your brain's chemicals to work better. In fact, mine sort of "flat line" me, emotionally, but since I also have crippling anxiety, I'll take feeling a little flat over feeling terrified or stressed out.

A better long term solution is to remove the stressor: in this case, your mom. Is it imperative that she live with you? If she's 93, you could be well in to your 60's and we're just not wired to be hands on 24/7 caregivers at some point.

Better is you can move mom to a memory care facility, or wherever you think would be good for her. Even though she does not mean what she says (her brain is broken, you know) mean things said to you, hurt.

In the meantime, do see your dr about something to help, but start looking for places for mom, if at all possible.

And come back here if you need. We're all kind of in the same boat.

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