Sneaking around my own home so my Mom doesn't hear me. I can't be the only one who does this?

when ( dementia especially ) gets very late stage they may not let you out of their sight. i suppose theyre lost and scared. it takes a lot of patience and biweekly benders on everclear to cope.

Oh I have a lot of paranoia and shadowing to deal with. I'm just asking others if they sneak around just to get a few minutes of solitude..

I don't mean to minimize what you said but I just about fell out of bed when I read this. I do the exact same thing every morning just so I can spend about 30 minutes with my husband on the deck for just 1 cup of coffee so we can talk husband/wife stuff and the get coordinated on what needs to be done for mother that day. I feel like a cat burglar going down the hallway past her door because I am not only trying not to wake her up but also the 2 small dogs that sleep with her.I thought I was the only one doing this. I am 55yrs. old and still sneeking by my mother.Their are things we can't discuss in front of her as she gets paranoid and upset and that is the last thing I want to do to her. Any time she sees me and my husband talking to each other it must be about her.I was so glad to find out I am not the only one doing this.It really is kind of sad/funny when you think about it.

I'm glad I don't have dogs to worry about too!

Us caregivers have all kind of tricks up our sleeves! LOL

I live 300 miles away from my mother, but have spent the past two weeks at her home, packing for her to move into assisted living. Every evening at bedtime she says, "wake me up when you get up." I always say yes, then in the morning I get up early and sneak downstairs - the only time I'm grateful that her hearing is bad. She wakes up so disoriented and confused, and needs so much help right out of the gate, that my first cup of coffee has to be alone, in silence, or I'd lose my mind.

I know how you feel. Even though I do not have to get up at 6 am my husband is getting ready for work and we can have some alone time until he leaves at 6:30. Dad usually sleeps till 8 and I try to be quiet so I can read the paper, do some picking up around the house and now that it's nice outside do some gardening. I am just a bit crabby when he gets up by 7:15 as I feel I lost that alone time.

I used to get out of bed and head to my "office". I would sit in silence and paint with my watercolors for hours, before I wander down the hall. I was on Lexapro and still needed "my" time. Mom was finally put on Lexapro after she went to AL for depression. I still cringe when I get the random phone call from Mom asking me to bring or pick up something. You are not alone.

You are not alone! I often clean the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning just so I can can avoid her peeking at me!

I'm guilty of doing this too. In the evenings, when he falls asleep, I try not to wake him up. I quietly do things. Sometimes I forget, and I slam the kitchen door behind me. Darn! He wakes up. And then he's, "get me this, get me that," I sit down, and then he needs something else done. I do it. Just sat down. And more requests. It's like he waits until I sit, before he comes up with more stuff for me to fetch. Ewww. that just brought an image of me being a well-trained dog "fetch, fetch, fetch... =)

I found my dad was doing this--tip toeing around and letting my mom sleep in til noon or longer (never mind that means skipped breakfast and she's a diabetic) so he could have some peace. I tried to break that pattern and tried to get her up and fed by 10am but it was of no use. I got the "10 more minutes" reply and throwing covers over her head. I felt like I was the mom of a teenager again. Its very very hard to get her up and going before noon. All appointments have to be made for afternoon because even when she does finally get up it can take up to 2 hours for her to get "ready." So, sometimes its easier to let her sleep and not wake her. And like bookluvr, once she's up its "get me this, get me that" as soon as we sit down. sigh...so the question is, do you let them sleep all day for a few hours of alone time or do you get them up at a decent hour?

After what I now feel was a 'breakdown' on my part a couple of years ago and after a long heart to heart with our doctor (he is my doctor as well as my MIL) - he said that we either had to 'get that woman out of our house' OR 'separate ourselves' - and that is what we did.

I 'ran away' for two weeks - with hubby's permission - and I do believe that saved my life - literally. Things are better for hubby and I now. Of course, the changes we made did not make my MIL happy - but, then, I doubt anything can really make her happy at this point in her life.

I felt that I never was 'alone' - she would pop in at any moment and our encounters were not always pleasant. She is a sweetie to everyone but me - she will go on and on about her wonderful sons who never come to see her - but has plenty of negative comments for hubs and I. It doesn't really make sense.

But our doctor said it was all about her lack of anger/rage management. I represent her losses and I am and always will be the 'bad guy.'

Back to finding alone time: When I came home, I didn't speak to her directly for 3 months. I still did all the things for her that I did before - but hubs interacted with his mother - delivering meals, meds, groceries, etc. I blocked the doors entering into our home (she has her own small apt.) and 'papered' the windows in my French doors with lovely fabric to match my dining room valances. I finally felt that I had my home to myself again.

Gradually, I started speaking to her again (I will just say that she said and did some very hurtful things to me and it took a very long time to forgive her). But, I keep my interactions with her to a minimum. I am happy with this arrangement - she is not.

She gets regular visitors, phone calls, letters from friends. (she won't call anyone - she expects everyone to call her). But, they do call from time to time. So, it isn't as though she never sees anyone or talks to anyone - even though this is what she tells everyone who comes by or calls. She insinuates that we NEVER spend any time with her. I pop in once or twice a day. Hubs peeks in 3-4 times a week. We have her eat with us a few times a month. The doctor said she needs to be a 'next door neighbor' - not the center of our world.

Of course, she is the center of her world and expects to be the center of ours and because she is not, we are horrible, neglectful people.

I am just trying to understand why she feels SO LONELY when she gets more phone calls, visits and letters in a month than I get in a year? Doc says she does not have dementia. Her other sons don't worry about her professed loneliness. They live out of state and visit once every year or so. Call her once a month. And for that - they are

OOPS - PRESSED WRONG BUTTON.

Anyway, for their little bit of attention - they are just the BEST kids in the world. We make sure her needs are met, clean, cook, shop, arrange doctor visits, etc. and we aren't worthy of a mention. I leave her a delicious breakfast on her counter each day and keep fresh flowers in her vase. I am as kind to her as I can be under the circumstances. I cannot go back to 'how it used to be' when I was her constant companion. That is what she wants and I am afraid that part of the cargiving 'bridge' is burnt. I will never again spend 'alone time' with her. I will stop in and visit for a minute or two - that's all I will do.

Some of you may feel this is awful. But, I had to find a way to care for this person without dying. This is the best I can do. Of course, it isn't good enough - she tells people who call that 'things aren't a bit good here' - and they are VERY GOOD.

She just is not willing to realize that WE need a life too. That caring for her just cannot be all the life we have. Sorry to ramble on so. It's been a while since I posted.

Assa! I have the keys to my friends house just across the road for "space" when mum annoys me!

As her house is directly across mum can see me going in SO i have to go into another neighbours house and NO JOKE climb over a tree to sneak in the back!

Also i went from not washing much myself to being unbelievably "clean" yes i have a bath to "HIDE" from mum.

This is quite annoying! my friends mum used to follow her son to the toilet!
Oh hugs us carers can be as sneaky as them just to survive god help us!

My Ninny refuses to use hearing aids and has extremely poor hearing. As a result, she is almost never involved in conversations and assumes we are all whispering near her unless we literally yell to communicate with her - not a level of effort we're really willing to put in most of the time. It's not our fault she's stubborn as a mule.
Anyway, she usually retires to her room for the night, with the exception of getting up to use the washroom a couple times a night, around 9:30 - 10:00 pm. Hubby and I 'go to bed' at the same time. In reality, we just turn out all the lights, close the door to our room, and usually disappear downstairs, where she never ever goes, and enjoy some peace and privacy in the basement. We catch up on TV, talk about life, catch up on social media - just take an hour or two off down there before really going to bed for the night.
In the morning she is normally up for the day around 8 or 9 am, but a) she usually takes about 30-45 minutes giving herself a sponge bath and such, and b) she will often get up to pee a couple hours before that as well. The sound of her using the washroom (conveniently located at the foot of my bedroom) around 6:30-7:00 am is my alarm clock, and I get another 2-ish hours to gather my wits, try and get some cleaning done, and relax before another long day of being her personal waiter/chauffeur/maid/entertainer begins.
So, yeah, definitely know how you feel there.

You are not alone in this. At one point I believed my grams when she said she cannot hear well. Funny, there have been times I put it to the test because one night I stayed up, closed the door so the light would not bother her. When I shut and locked the front door, a hallway away and the front of the house, she heard it. So, one morning I decided to test it out. I turned my back and spoke low while walking away. She heard me very well. :)

Now I am quiet, using slow, stealth moves to lock up and move around before she gets up and after she goes to bed. :)

I've been up for a while. I just heard Mom opening her door so I stayed real quit like a deer in headlights so she wouldn't hear me.. It's 5am.. She fine.. But if she knows I'm up she'll expect it everyday.. Funny how she can remember I was up early but can't remember anything else!