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NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME. MY SISTERS MANAGE A VISIT EVERY FEW WEEKS OR SO AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO THEIR "NORMAL" LIVES". I AM STILL HERE WITH ONE PARENT THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE HORRIBLE DISEASE...ALZ AND ANOTHER THAT WAS AN ABUSIVE DRUNK THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS GROWING UP. MY SPOUSE DID HELP ME BUT NOW HE HAS BECOME RECENTFUL. I'M NOT WORKING AND BRINGING IN AS MUCH MONEY AS I USED TOO. ALTHOUGH HE AGREED TO THAT HE IS NOW CONSTANTLY THROWING IT IN MY FACE THAT I DON'T HAVE A "JOB". I C A N N O T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. THE OTHER DAY MY DAD "CONVENIENTLY" FORGOT TO PUT HIS CATHETER BAG ON. I WAS CLEANING UP URINE FROM CARPETS AND UPHOLSTERY FOR AN ENTIRE DAY AND IT STILL STINKS. I'M DONE.

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Sounds familiar. I was just saying today that I just can not do this anymore. My mom has yet to be diagnosed with Alz. So her odd behavior plus lack of support from 5 siblings has me at my wits end. I asked a sister to take my mom to get a picture ID as I had to take son to school,then back and hour later to volunteer and then to her doctor's appt. at 11:45 am. My sister never showed up after agreeing to do this. I called my other sister to ask where my mom's last mamo was and to please call me. She has never called either. Then there are days where I feel no better because I am grumpy to my mom because of all the pressure I feel. I take care of a husband, a 6 yr. old, my mom and myself as best I can. My two sister only have them selves. Your not alone and I hope that our situations improve quickly
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Bonnie ... I too understand your concern. I am the sole caregiver of my father .. he has Alzheimers. I have two brothers who could help with the situation, but they come around once every few weeks for an hour or two. My dad is 91 yrs old, and I adore him. I'm happy to care for him, and I did resign my job to care for him 24/7 so that he didn't have to go to a Nursing Home. I am divorced ... so my dad's money is what's paying our rent and utilities and groceries. I am his POA and all the financial stuff is worked out (by me) so that I am able to stay home with him.
I have never worked as hard in my life as I do now. I am almost always exhausted. I cannot nap during the day ... my dad has to have me with him all day. I can't leave him alone.
Last week my dad was accepted into Hospice. I was unaware that Hospice could help someone with Alzheimers. I thought Hospice was all about cancer and terminal illness. Well I didn't think of it that way, but Alzheimers is a terminal illness too. It will never get better. I agree and know now from experience ... you must get out of the house. You must have a few hours to take care of you. Call Hospice .... they will come in and assess your parent and see what they can do. You wouldn't believe all the services they provide at NO COST to you. I beg you to do this. Also the idea of calling Medicare to see about getting paid ... is a good idea too. If you have a computer, type in "how do I get paid for taking care of parent" and it will take you to all kinds of sites that can give you info.
Don't wast anymore energy on talking to your sisters about this or being resentful about you being the caregiver. It's only going to bring you down.
I will keep you in my prayers. Tell your husband you love him and you need to be held .... just to know you're cared about. Somedays I feel completely alone in the world. But I know I'm doing the right thing. I want to be able to share this with my dad. BTW, my mom is alive but wants nothing to do with any of this ... just wants to visit every few weeks for a few hours ... it's a sad situation. But if our parents didn't have us .... where would they be. I am proud of you for your courage and strength .... we'll get through this. Please reach out anytime and God bless you.
Ann in MD.
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Bonnie: You have to get some help. Period. Did you talk to sisters about each of them sharing the load, if no one has the funds to put them in a care home?
Does anyone see the elephant, or not?
You cannot lose your marriage over it. Get a senior care manager to come in, or hospice. Maybe someone on site will give better more specific advice. Hope they read this.
I'm praying for you and your miserable situation, Bonnie.
It seems if there is no other input or options, if nothing changes, you may have to accept the situation, at least for the moment. Set a time limit. Demand a sit down conference with all family members and spouses; all business, because it is.
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Bonnie
It sounds like you have been abandoned to care for your parents alone by your siblings and spouse. This is so unfair and clearly you are tired, frustrated and feel unsupported. Rightfully so! You have identified a number of stressors that are currently impacting you: Lack of support ( emotional and logistical), feeling overwhelmed (too much to do for too many people), financial (loss of income), and resentment (having to care for an abusive parent). I commend you for your selflessness and strong character!
I would like to address the financial situation you are in based on my experience as a social worker in California. In many states when a person can no longer care for themselves, Medicare will pay for a caregiver to provide in-home care and assistance with daily living needs. I know of many relatives of people who can no longer take care of themselves (your mother) being certified as the caregivers to these folks. It does not matter that you are relative, you can still qualify to be designated as their PAID (!!!) cargiver. While this may not relieve the frustration you feel about your siblings' reluctance to assist with mom and dad's care (OK let's just say it: they have dumped this on you!), this could ease the financial burden you are experiencing. Additionally, as the designated caregiver, you may be able to have someone come in periodically (once a week) to provide you with respite from caregiving. This would allow you to take some time for yourself. As you have probably learned, even an afternoon away spent doing something for yourself (or together with your spouse) has become a rare treat. In addition, once you have become the designated caregiver, often times Medicare will provide funding for supplies, services and equipment your mom or dad may need. For example, a public health nurse may be authorized to come in and deal with your dad's cath and other medical related activities. I recommend that you contact your County's Office on Aging and they can guide you in the right direction for exploring this option. Remember that anytime you deal with a government agency (Medicare), there are lots of hurdles to jump and red tape to sort through, but be persistent and don't let the process discourage you from taking advantage of this resource. I invite you to contact me if you have any questions or are having difficulty navigating the system. I have been a social worker for 14 years and I am an expert at "working the system."
For now, hold yourself gently and know that right now your life is just one learning experience after another, and by the end of the week you should be a genius! LOL
Warm hugs!
Sherrie

P.S. I am a distance caregiver to my parents, ages 87 and 86. My dad was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic for most of my life. I have had to put that aside and focus on caregiving. That is another topic totally and one I would be happy to explore with you.
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