Five sisters in disagreement of what to do with mom and driving us apart.

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First the caregivers: five sisters ranging in age from 41 - 64. All currently have different things going on in their lives with work, their own families, divorce, etc. Mom lives about 30-40 minutes from most of us, exception of one sister who is 2 hours.


Mom has fallen about 6 times in the past 3 years. She's been in and out of rehab and currently lives at home. She needs a walker and someone next to her to get around, help in/out of bed, getting dressed, help on/off chairs and toilet. She can eat on her own. She has aide coverage Sun - Fri but dislikes anyone in her house so is usually not pleasant with any and finds any fault with them. The sisters split the weekends but now only 4 do because one is going through divorce and issues with custody. Two of us, with younger children ages 7- 17, feel Mom needs more care than we can provide and should be in a nursing home. Mom is supposedly deathly afraid of nursing homes despite not being in one for about 60 years when her own mom went in. Another sister agrees that weekend coverage is tough and would consider Assisted Living (but she needs more care than what they offer). The other two sisters are adamant about her staying in her home even though some rooms border hoarder status and weekend coverage is difficult and everyone always needs to switch around. It's tearing the sisters apart. I feel that my mom should at least consider letting us check these places out and have her look at the ones we like. She is very stubborn though. Her opposition to even consider other out of home options is coming at a cost to her daughter's relationships, some of whom are not speaking to each other already. When something does happen to her, I doubt any of us will be on speaking terms.


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It does not sound like a.nursing home is necessary. Look at assisted living that also has a memory care unit.
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Mom figures she has 5 daughters and they should take care of her.
Getting her live-in care would probably be affordable if divided among all of you, after mom's contribution (whatever she can afford).
You need to have an honest and non judgmental conversation - face to face, no children, no husbands, just the 5 sisters. Establish each person's position and what they are willing / unwilling to contribute.....no judgement. Within those boundaries you will need to find a compromise solution. Best of luck
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MomCare321, sometimes it comes to a point where we need to stop enabling our parent to continue living in their own home when, in fact, they need a higher level of care. I wished I had learned that years ago before I started enabling my parents [in their 90's] to continue to live in a house with a lot of stairs. Someone was always falling, and 911 was called out numerous times. My parents lived on their own, Mom refused caregivers.

It's time to have all the care be the caregivers, if you Mom can afford it, if she stays in her own home. For my Dad [after Mom passed] it was costing him $20k a month for 24-hour caregivers. He's now in senior living paying $8k a month [rent plus part-time caregivers]. Boy, he is so glad he moved and to be away from the worries of that single family home and to be around people closer to his age.

Yes, some elders refuse to go into a nursing home [I prefer to call them continuing care] because of very old stereotypes of what was once the norm for nursing homes over 50 years ago. My Mom's continuing care facility was really nice. She did have a room-mate and I was glad, as my Mom would forget she could no longer stand and walk... the room-mate would buzz the nurse anytime my Mom was trying to climb out of bed.
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kathyt1 - like I said, they are not all "hellish" - there are some nice ones out there - you haven't seen them all so it's unfair to generalize. My first hand experience is different from yours - as I described in my earlier post, the NH my mother lives in in very nice. And - every one of their 38 rooms are private, only one resident per room - all with their own bathroom. Yes, my mother has to adhere to an eating schedule if she wants to eat with the other residents in the dining room. Otherwise mom can eat when she chooses in her room. Mom also goes to bed when she chooses to. Privacy is not a whole lot different than in a family home with multiple people living there - she closes the door to her room.
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Nursing homes are hellish. You have no privacy, no control over when you eat, get out of bed, go to bed. You share a room, with the noise, my father's roommate screamed continually throughout the night. Very soon people stop visiting. If you can keep your mother out of one, try to do it.
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five sisters cant agree as one . frankly im shocked !!
kidding ..
i feel like at 58 yrs old im beginning to understand family dynamics . its like non vehicular road rage . im pissed at my oldest son and him with me . he learned not to back down from the most belligerant sob who ever lived . if i were to write him and tell him to suck balls , hes too dense to get it . my younger son would be sitting by the phone waiting for that text .
no sense of humor , the older one . takes himself too seriously ..
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The sister who is Power of Attorney wants her to stay in her house. Anytime I even mention moving her out I get a guilt trip from her. The last time she said she thought it was disgusting that with 5 daughters we can't take care of her on the weekends. But as I said in the original post, 5 sisters, 5 different stages of our lives and things going on. I am of the belief that we are morally responsible to make sure she has the best care however, that doesn't mean we take that on personally. My mom is competent most of the time but is starting to fade slowly. She is 86 years old and very fragile but still got fire in her. I choose to bring her to my own home for the weekend so I can still be with my young daughter but it's still tough as her needs are demanding. We fight and argue the whole time, not a good scene for my 7 year old to be around but my alternative is to be gone the entire weekend. I wish my mom would be more considerate of the 5 lives she is affecting and just think about touring a nursing home. I only ask that she is open to it.
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Like your mother I have some bad memories of nursing homes from about forty years ago when my grandmother was in one - it was a hellish, God awful place. I'm sure there are still some like that around but there are those that very nice. My mother is in one that's just a couple of years old, about 35 residents and a couple of rooms for temporary respite care. It is a beautiful facility. Hard wood floors, vaulted wood beam ceilings, a large deck that boarders a woods with a big outdoor bbq and fireplace. A huge stone fireplace inside with two seperate sitting areas with several leather couches - one has the biggest flatscreen tv I've ever seen. Lots of beautiful prices of artwork. All the resident rooms are furnished with the persons own furniture. My mom is in one of six rooms that has a sliding glass door that opens onto an inner outdoor courtyard - completely landscaped, stone fountain, and nice outdoor furniture. So yes, they are out there - just gotta look. Can you do some leg work, find a few options - get brochures for your sisters and maybe a tour for mom? When my mom first toured hers - she found reasons to not like it, pretty ridiculous ones and she wouldn't have liked the Palace of Versailles at that point, but now she seems content there. Worth a try to look and see what's in your area.
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That's pretty sad. I'm not sure why adult children are so dense on these matters so often.

I think I might try to get an assessment, if your mom will cooperate, just so you really know what type of place she needs. From what you describe, Assisted Living may work for her, but it needs to be evaluated and a doctor or professional would make that call.

Is it practical to go visit a place for lunch with your mom so she can see that these places are now often like a spa or nice resort and not a cold hospital environment.

Who has Durable Power of Attorney and Health Care POA? I would likely share my concerns with that person and let them make the calls. Is mom still competent? If she is, then it's still her call as to where she lives, but if she's placing herself in danger, then it may be past the point where it's safe for her.

What if all sisters stated what they could no longer do and then those that could help out, have to either put the time in or find professional care to come into the home to provide care when they are not available. That will likely cause them to look into the costs of those services or look into long term care facilities.

I'd make up my mind in the beginning to not fight with them. I might explain to them that if the adult children don't ensure that she's getting proper care, the county will.
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