My sister won't allow my family to visit dying mother!

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We are a military family & this is the closest we've been to my home in 8 years. Mom has lung cancer that spread to the brain and multiple tumors that have appeared in the last 5 weeks. She is declining mentally; trouble remembering & speaking clearly, as well as physically with seizures & weakness in her right side. I have been there from day 1 financially, emotionally & physically (when I can with my toddler & 4 month old as well as living over 100 miles away). I've helped her understand what is happening to her, as well as her options. Se has gone from being scared and in denial, to content with life & at peace with what must be. We pray together & share fond memories & I do what no one else thinks she can handle...I tell her the truth & allow her to talk about death. I say allow because my older sister thinks that is stressful & says mom will pull through this. My mom is beginning to suffer but wants to hang in because my sister isn't ready to let her go. She will undergo 12 additional radiation treatments and chemo just so she can go out "fighting". This was never her wish. She never wanted to prolong such a fate & we even discussed it with doctors before her mental decline.

My sister is going to be her primary caregiver, not by choice. She is forcing the role upon herself so that we don't "get off thinking we're in control". My mother wishes to live in comfort, with as much dignity as possible & in her own home. I want to provide in home care (all paid for by my husband & I) and allow her to live where she chooses.

My mother is afraid of my sister & everyone knows it. It has been this way for many years, but because she is her child, mom doesn't want to see the truth. My sister wants to keep her in her 2 bedroom home (sharing a room with my 10 yr old niece) with exposed subfloor on the downstairs, no shower( just a claw tub mom can't use) & no access to food without anyone getting it for her. My sister works full time & can't afford in home care (I had to pay her mortgage so that my niece would have a place to live-avoid foreclosure). I'm not trying to sound haughty, but after that, she replayed me by writing a bad check and cursing my family with profanities and lies.

I don't think mom is safe with her. My sis is 15.5 yrs older than me & mentally & physically abused me from 3-16 years old. I'm not just being dramatic or trying to sway your opinion...even her councilors & psychiatrists have tried in vain to get her to understand the severity of her disorder. She is bipolar & abuses her daughters ADHD meds & takes them with diet pills.

In the past she has openly shamed my mother for being incontinent & messy. She lied to hospital officials saying to not let me or my family visit my mother & call security if I tried. She called my husband and cursed him out because I "taddled" on her when I mentioned (to my brother in law) that we were leaving the hospital so that they may return (they left as to avoid us). She has such a hatred for me & my mom says its jealousy from my birth, since I've "always wanted to take ma away from her".

No one can reason with her. She hangs up in the middle of conversations & lies to make it seem like I'm the problem. I don't even understand why she puts so much thought into what I'm doing because I've only helped my mom. only since her last diagnosis has she stopped saying mom was making excuses. she has denied my help even when it benefits mom, just so she can be praised as the one who "takes care of ma all by myself". She even tries to shame me by saying in front of others, that I never help...if that was the case then my mom wouldn't have many of the comforts she enjoyed.

She screens my mothers phone calls & even her husband doesn't want to go up against her because she has been physically abusive to him as well. Still I have outsiders say "you two need to get over your issues for your moms sake". I have no issues with her. All of what I've mentioned was for the understanding of the reader. I love her as a child of god & pray for her often. I don't understand why she treats people this way & would deny me the right to simply visit my mom. It's hurting my mom too, but she doesn't want it known that she is the reason all the problems start & openly denies & tells me I'm stressing my mom.

I need help. I said goodbye to my mom during this last visit because I'm sure my sister won't let me see her again. I won't be able to go to her funeral. I've been thrust into a state of mourning before truly losing her & it's shameful & sad that it comes at the hand of a person who has abused & tormented me my entire life. This is simply the final display of her abuse of power...to keep a dying mother from her baby. Should I do anything or make peace with my loss?

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MamaLlama09, I agree with blannie. Unfortunately, your Mom didn't support you as she should have, because of her fear of your sister. I also agree with some of the points StandingAlone made. If you have the strength and resources, fight for the best life for your Mom, as long as you don't further damage her in the process. Best of luck to you.
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Lyssa, did she put the locks on because mom might wander off? Is she giving mom 24/7 care? Is mom in a wheelchair or walker? What is it that she wants in writing? We need more info.
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My sister won't let me see my mother who lives with her and pays $2500 a month to stay there because I believe she is taking advantage of my Mom (which she is) but she wants me to put it in writing which my lawyer said that is ridiculous. My sister who also never used to lock her doors, locks them now and won't give my Mom a key.....(Mom needs help to her room). Said sister says I can only come get her when someone is home.
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Sylvia, the fact the police took pictures of the assault shows they are collecting evidence. You need to call the chief of police and detectives and talk to them. Also your phone records will show your brother called. Besides you, they would not let his own mother see him.......? That is just so sad. Do you have someone close to you to help you through this..
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civility usedta not be my strong suit but i haveta admit its been working for quite some time where family is concerned. tell sis shes doing a fine job but caregiving is best done by a team and youd like to be on the team. an honest compliment seems to always get a foot in the door with thoughtless people.
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she also cashed out his 401 for $30 thou.(he earned way b4 he even met her) that $ was supposed to be for his 2 young children...that $ is gone now...
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also - my mother wanted to go see him yesterday morning & some other family members, his wife said, noone is allowed over there to see him...don't even bother coming there, etc. (I still can't believe the police would believe her about my brother & his wish BS to not see his family) It's def.all her doings!!! There's probably fraud involved knowing her & I already have a Detective working the case...there's a life ins. policy that she can't wait to cash..I don't know name of company but I am making it a priority to try & find out who it's through so they can put a stop on the check....she never told ins. co. he has cancer..there's also other fraudulent schemes that took place, including fundraisers where she kept the money and prizes...big tv is in her sisters living room...& SHE just bought a brand new car & paid cash...thought they were poor...until 10 fundraisers took place & bilked people out of all kinds of $$$.
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police came...they took pics of all the places I was punched etc...then they told me to leave & that even the hospice said I have to get off their property..after I left I went to the er..have contusions everywhere, feels like 2 ribs are broken, ER DR. even thought for sure they were broken..her, her sister & her mother...were not arrested..DID I BEAT MYSELF UP..my brother's wife told police it was his wish to not to have to see his sister...that's a joke...he just called me a few days...after I was escorted off the property...my brother's 2 children came with their mother (his ex-wife) she told nursing home..it was his wish not to see them either...they were also denied....this is truly an evil woman....I found out she had him cremated instantly yesterday, he died 8:55...he was cremated instantly...She also told another family member there is NO SERVICE, NO MASS, NO NOTHING..
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I'm not clear on why you wouldn't be able to see your mom, whether your sister has POA or not. And, if your sister isn't mentally capable, maybe you could challenge the POA if she does actually get it.

As for dealing with this, my own personal method is to remember the old saying, "Lose the battle, win the war." With the mission being to ensure the proper care of a family member, come up with a good battle plan and make sure you are clear on the possible outcomes. Whatever happens, you have to be sure you can live with it.
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Sylvia, when you added your question to this site initially, you added it onto the end of someone's question. That was posted months ago. Yours was a new situation. I am not sure whether or not you were able to get an emergency order to see your then dying brother. I see you were able to find out he was moved to a nursing home. What do you mean they beat you up? There is much alarm to all of this. I am sorry you were not able to see your brother before he died. Certainly, if someone physically harmed you, you need to contact police.
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