I have a sister who lived in dad's rental unit free at first...then dirt cheap $350 a month.(he even paid for her utilities!) Dad felt sorry for her after she ran off with a guy from the internet....leaving her kids behind. She moved into dad's rental after she moved back to hometown ( after internet guy got some other woman pregnant and help her blow her divorce settlement from her husband) and had no place to stay. fast forward. 5 years. She found a new guy....moved in with him. Left her now grown son in dad's rental to pay the 350 a month. Every time she has a fight she threatens her new guy with moving back to dad's rental with her son. (which son doesn't want to happen) Anyway...we now need to sell the rental because mom has Alz. and dad has glaucoma, can't drive, hard of hearing...poor judgement. Failed the cognitive assessment test at Doctors. They now need the income they can get from selling this rental. He can't take care of it anymore.....( I have hired people to care for them.....) and dad does not want to move. Doctor suggested nursing home for both parents. The sister keeps sending me text messages causing problems, and threatening me in voice mails because my uncle and I have co _poa and she thinks we need to discuss everything with her. We have told them we will have to sell the rental...and she threatens that we will never see her and her children again, that when my parents do pass away...she will not help with anything, That I will be alone, my husband will divorce me, my children will hate me, and that even my older sister can't stand me. I pretty much ignore her ranting because she sounds crazy. We did get her son a lease(dad never made them sign one) to cover him for the next year and hopefully when it gets sold, the new owners will honor the lease and maybe let him to sign a new one. Even knowing he has a lease...she is ranting that I am "kicking my godchild out on his A--. . A couple years ago she made the comment that she" doesn't understand why dad just doesn't GIVE her the rental!" It's like she feels entitled to it or something. Dad never thought ahead...never planed for an event like Alz. He needs all his is too late for planning because of the 5 years look back period. My sister doesn't hear anything I tell her.Any suggestions on how to handle her? Dad always made the mistake of handing things to her...getting her out of jams...and it seems she expects me to do the same with her threats. I have been caring for my parents for 4 years over there once a week somtimes more. It is a 50 mile round trip for me. My sister hasn't been there for 6 months at a time. When she does visit it is like a BIG deal for her. What can I do? She is wearing me out with her nonsense.Any suggestions?

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Hold your head up high and blow the sister out of your head. Her threats can't bother you now, you are an Adult. Act like one. Explain ONLY to adult son living in facility what you intend and how you hope it works out. You don't owe your sister any explanation.
Her threat that no one will deal with you later, is fine, you don't need any blood-sucking relatives afterward and believe me, your life will be better for it.


Your sister has a lot of maturing to do, which is going to be hard because Dad isn't able to bail her out anymore. The gravy train is slipping away and the only card she can only play is emotional blackmail. While she rants, raves, and leaks her poison, you go ahead and do what needs to be done for your parents; even if it hurts.

I'm sure her son understands the reason why the property needs to be sold and appreciates the lease. If he's as self-reliant as I think he is everything will work out for the better whether the lease is honored or not. He won't be homeless.
... Your sister, however, will keep blaming you for "cutting into her flow" because she's scared to take personal responsibility.

Until she decides to grow up, learns to hold herself accountable, and own up to her self-inflicted shortcomings the cursing and screaming will continue. No matter what, neither you nor your parents owe her a darn thing.

Always at your service,

-- ED

A little that I wish I had earlier in the same type of mess. Don't take her threats to heart. I know, I know, it IS hard to listen to that advice. After reading a book named Dealing With the Crazymakers in Your Life by David Hawkins I understood more of how they(crazymakers) do things that gives them satisfaction, power, etc. and irritate the hang out of you. You have POA, you are doing what is best (and what if your father had been the one to initiate the sale? they probably would have dealt with it whatever it took). I don't know though, since she has him hoodwinked also or so it sounds. However, do what you have to do, know that it is what is right and ignore her rants and raving episodes. She draws energy from frustrating you if you aren't frustrated ..... then what can she do. The courts will back you no matter what and why would your husband divorce you over her stupidity?! She has obviously messed up her own life and making yours crazy makes her feel normal. HA! Don't let her do it! Read the book and it will tell you the same thing. We actually quit answering the phone at times just to keep from the next set of craziness entering our home. Don't let her try to manipulate your parents which I assume would have no legal clarity at this point, our crazies have tried that and of course the elderly can be gullible. God Bless, you are not alone.

Debi: your story is like mine; just replace the sister with a brother.
Your first priority is to do the right thing for your parents. Forge ahead and do not let you sister's rantings change your course. I am going through the same thing - trying to protect Mom's assets for when she will need them (which is SOON). You also have the "look back" period to consider, so do everything you need to do sooner than later. Also, make sure that your Father knows how important it is for him to "close the bank" and not lend anymore to your sis or her kiddos. My Mom still does not get that ALFs and NHs are VERY expensive.
As far as your sis is concerned, I am afraid you are going to limit your contact with her...that was my only alternative when I tried to work with my sib on Mom's care. He deflects by blowing up and shouting "I'll handle it" which he doesn't...except for helping himself to "loans." If you are concerned that your parents will continue to subsidize her; you may want to look at my recent post:
Your sister's threat to "not help" you when the time comes is laughable...she won't be there other than to collect on whatever is left in the will. Inform her, that unless she is speaking respectfully to you during her calls, you will have to end the call...then do it. After a few calls and hang-ups, behavioral modification will kick in and she will stop haranguing you. PLEASE do not let her rants bother you...nothing in it is the truth - it is just her guilt and self-centerednes pushing your buttons
I am seeing so much of this behavior both in my family and with friends. One sib steps up and does everything...the rest step waayyyy back. Worse yet, there always seems to be one kid who feels "entitled" to whatever the parents will give them, then whines that they are being treated unfairly. The cargiver child is left to deal with all the emotional and physical issues. I guess no good deed goes unpunished :o)
The reality: You are the only one who is going to help your parents. You have informed your nephew and given him enough time to make arrangements (btw $350./mo. for rent is a bargain!). I hope your uncle supports your decisions...if so, use him as an ally to get through this.
I wish that someday someone would explain to me why parents continue to enable (or control) their children by throwing money at them. It keeps them from developing a normal adult life and livelihood.
Good luck...stay strong...let us know how it goes...

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