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She doesn't understand why we shuttle her between our separate homes. We are determined to keep her "at home" for as long as possible. Her dementia prevents her from understanding that we take turns caring for her to avoid the inevitable. She is 94, can take care of toileting. She becomes agitated on our transfer days for a few hours. In my heart, I don't think there is an answer just wanted to put it out here

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I think I might examine just how disoriented and distressed your mom is by the transitions. If it's considerable, then I might explore another option, as the poster said upthread. Can you and your sister rotate, so mom can stay in one house?

If that's not feasible, then I'd weigh the pros and cons of the matter. Is a facility an option? Would she benefit from what they would have to offer in your area? Would this alleviate the distress she is getting from the transfers between homes? And if she does progress in her dementia, are you and your sister going to be able to provide for her care in your homes? All factors you might consider.
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What would be best for mom is not shuttling her back and forth. I know it would be disruptive, but what about the sisters taking turns where mom usually is. Then the one with respite could go to the house of the one with the weekend duty. Stability for those with dementia is very important for their sense of well being. Moving every coupld of weeks would be hard on most of us.
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My mom lived with my sister for 14 months. She spent one long weekend a month with me, and another with another sister. This was essential for the hosting sister, but I'm not sure it was ideal for mom. There always was a little confusion.

Mom eventually got to a point where she could not be cared for at home. She has been in a nursing home a little over two years now. I am very glad she had that transition period at my sister's, but really, it is so good for her to have daily activities, to be able to get her hair done without leaving the premises, to visit with others her age, to have medical attention right where she is, and to have us come to her instead of disrupting her routines to come to us.

What you are doing probably isn't ideal, but it may very well be the best option for all of you at this time.
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