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That's me. here is my story, DO I? Does anyone else feel like it is unfair for family members to use the excuse " Because you live there for free" every time there is a discussion about living with and caring for your elderly mother or when something needs to be repaired at her home? There are other issues involved because it's not just family members , SHE says this all the time as well.

I was the only single female child in the family 13 years ago when my mother bought a 3 bedroom home close to all 3 of her children. It was actually directly behind my duplex and I could go through the fence and be in her backyard. I knew then that I would eventually need to move in with my mother and at first it would be beneficial to me as well as her but I knew at the time that at some point she would need for me to be there ,that was 8 years ago.
Once I did, the family, as well as my mom started to answer any requests for help by stating "you should do it because you live there for free" anytime anything needed getting done like unstopping the sink, fixing plumbing that required a plumber ,paying all of the electric bill and mowing the yard or paying half the cost of someone else to do it. The first words out of everyone's mouth is ........ "Because you live there for free" when I asked my older sister to have her husband come mow he did it once. My older sister's husband actually wanted to be paid and resented any requests for help.
My older sister has never taken my mother anywhere, EVER. She lives less than 3 miles away and calls twice a month, once a month to say " Hi mom , just wanted to check in" followed by the second call 2 days later "can I come over and see you, (cue the tears)... I need help"
Now my older sister is a widow and comes to my mom's house once a month to cry and beg for money for her medicine ( oxycodone addiction) or for her rent. She calls it borrowing but never pays it back. Mom admits she NEVER wants to have my older sister living here..... EVER !!!

I have one younger sister that is wonderful, she and my mom both love casinos and she takes mom all the time. My sis and my mom can afford that 2 or 3 times a week, I cannot.
Other than that my mom does not leave her recliner. I cook and grocery shop, run errands and do VERY light cleaning . In the last 8 years things have really changed and I knew they would. She is now 83 and has very little stamina. She has advanced Crohn's, emphysema, is deaf in one ear and has a heart valve problem. I do the equivalent of a "live in companion" for free. The bottom dollar value of a live-in companion who gets room and board ( does not pay any utilities or any cost of food) plus a salary for being a caregiver is........ wait for it ..... $2000 per month, at the bare minimum. I pay my mom about 250.00 per month so I can live her ( for free) and take care of her. My mother likes to consider herself independant and so to re-inforce this belief she refuses to buy anything that could make her quality of life better and easier for me to care for her, such as hearing aids, a mobility scooter or even a rolling walker. She can well afford thing things but I think she doesn't want to admit she is getting old (she's 83)
I pay ALL of my own expenses, all of my own food and a portion of her expenses that she would have to pay even if I were not here. My mother is firmly in the opinion that she is saving me "tons of money" by letting me live with her and would feel that way even if she were bed-ridden and paralyzed because what I contribute has no value.
I know this sounds like we have a toxic relationship but I do love her,she just cannot say those 3 words unless we make her say it, and I am trying to care for her and even though it is easy for others ( older sis and my mom both say this) to say " If you don't like it then move" they know I cant and they know I wont. Someone has to be here. My father had a heart attack many years ago, I was living in California, my 2 sisters lived in the same town as he did. He had been dead 4 days before anyone noticed that the newspapers were piling up on his drive and called police to check him out.
So thats my story all of it is true and I want to know ..... Do I really live here for free and am I really just using my mom for a free place to stay? That's kind of how my mom feels about it although she wont outright say it.
As far as her estate what ever is left after she is gone will be divided 3 ways so she wont be playing favorites. A senior living village is out of the question because it would eat up all of her estate so the solution is : Just have me live here for free and that makes it all even steven. My younger sis takes her to the casino, my older sis collects several hundred dollars a month that is never repaid and I ..... "Live here for free !!! "

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You have to get out of there! You are being used! The only way this will stop is if you get the h*ll out of there. This is a very unhealthy situation for you.If there is anyway to get out ,do it.This whole situation is dysfunctional.Only you can stop it.I realize money may be a problem but start saving every nickel and dime you can. You could doing what you doing now for someone else and get paid,basically you are a nursing assistant.Put in an application at a NH.Also there are programs that the Red Cross or like organizions have that you can become a certified nursing assistant. I mean if you are going to be working like one you should get paid like one.Please get out of there.
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OK. Here goes. If mom were paying for a private duty caregiver by the hour, 24 hours X $20.00 is $480 a day. X 30 days is $14,400 a month. Let's just say, she would pay a nursing home rate of $6,000 a month. Your rent would be less than $1,000 a month. So, by rights, she owes you about $5,000. a month. There is no "living here for free" to it. Believe me, you have earned the rent and 10 times it every month. Also, in a nursing home, there are 3 shifts doing the work every 24 hours. Every 24 hours, you are doing the work and responsibility of 3 people. Buck up and tell them to back off. Or move and turn the care over to the family members who have the most to say.
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Alot of this is surfacing because I know she could protect the assets for the family by changing her will to a living trust. At least that way if she has to have long term care that I cannot provide I wouldn't be out on the street. As she has it set up all of the property and the house I live in is in her name and will be until she dies.
My son does estate planning for people who have millions and she refuses to even let him give her advice on how to better protect the estate or even see her last will. Basically she thinks as long as the money lasts until she dies in her home, while peacefully in her sleep one night, she doesn't care if there is nothing left or if the state gets it all. If something worse like a stroke happens then her view is .... I d*mn sure better take care of her at home and not send her to a nursing home or I won't get zilch.
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You are not free, you are some sort of indentured servant with no contract. She needs an ALF and probably did 8 years ago. Get her there or you will die before she does.
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correction..... I won't get my 1/3 of zilch ;)
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She not bed ridden or anything she can manage to get around most small casinos (that's the only thing she enjoys) but if it's a big one she wants a wheelchair and someone to push it for her. I keep begging her to get a scooter or a rollator, but she says it's too expensive. I would even dress it up like a harley so she wont be embarrassed, but nope, just like the hearing aids , it's cheaper to have everyone repeat themselves and wear earplugs when she watches TV.
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So save yourself and leave. Let your mom and your siblings figure it out without you. You're letting them use and abuse you and as long as you put up with it, it will continue. None of them are going to change (why should they?) as long as you stay there and just make noises about what they should do. They're not going to listen to you. So change the dynamic and leave.
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For a year or so, I was in a very similar situation. I was living with my Mom, but not for free. I was paying half the expenses, and I also co-owned the home (I provided the down-payment from my savings). My siblings said the exact same thing as yours are saying, minus the "for free" part. They said "it's easier for you to do it because you're there" or "those tasks/expenses are part of owning the home so you should be the one to help." Your siblings have an added weapon but I don't think it would matter in the least. You're there, so why should anyone else help out with anything?

I'll tell you what I did. I bought myself a shabby little trailer in a college town about 90 minutes away. (It was all I could afford without totally decimating my savings). I said I wanted to take classes at the university, which was also true. I started staying at my own place more and more, fixing it up, making it cozy. It's not nearly as nice as the home I own with Mom but I don't care - it's mine and I'm totally free there. I stopped paying half of Mom's expenses - I share a few expenses like the yard work and the house cleaner (although I really shouldn't even do that). My siblings still don't help (except for one) but I can get away and I don't have to hear the excuses. If they want to refuse to help, they have to refuse Mom, not me.

I had the same reservations that you have (someone has to be there, etc.) My mom is also 83. I just needed to get out for my own sanity. I stay a few days a week with Mom now. I'm trying to scale down to one visit a week, during which I'll take her shopping and to the library, take out her garbage, pick up her mail, change her bedding, clean up her kitchen, and do any other odd tasks that need to be done. I swear I'm not living there again. If she can't live alone my siblings will have to be equal partners in deciding what to do with her.
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Do yourself and mom a favor. Set a date, say 6 weeks from now) inform dibs and mom. Leave. Get your life back on track. Find a job, a place to live and visit once every couple of months. You've done your share.

Who is going to take care of you when you're 83? You need those SS credits and long term care insurance.

The stress, bitterness and resentment that is evident in your post is going to kill you. If your siblings and mother can't see the indentured servant part of this deal, no amount of explaining is going to make a difference.
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I shared this thread with a sibling and she said that I was not telling the entire story. So here is what she feels is important for anyone to know before judging my situation. I know that because I don't go to a job for 8 hours a day and am here accessable to my mom so I can cook meals and see if she needs anything that it is also to her advantage but the family feels that I dont work since I do my business from my home. My "not a real job" takes about 25 hours a week and pays all my bills. I own a small Etsy shop. I make custom bed crowns and bed canopies mostly for girls and sometimes for adults. We have a 2 car garage and I use my half of the garage for supplies for my business. We have a garden shed that was not being used and I turned it into a shop to paint and add embellishments to the bed crowns. In the summer it's 100 degrees and in the winter I use a small portable heater for warmth. We have a kitchen table that we never have had a meal on and sometimes I use it to pack my shipments. My sibling feels that if I would have told you all this before explaining my situation you would all see that I am getting a really good deal in exchange for taking care of mom.
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I agree with the advice being given but want to ask why are you staying there? Why did you 'know' you would have to move in with her eventually? Is it financial? Are you working? If not, I think that would be my first goal - to get financially independent of mom, then you cannot be held hostage. If you are financially able to leave but wouldn't have the same 'standard' of living, say a mobile home instead of a house, I would ask is being an indentured servant worth it? Really? You need to get out for your own sanity and for your own future. You must realize that no one will take you in when you need help, they won't even help their mom, certainly not the poor sister. You need to be able to provide for your own future and the needs you will have; getting financially stable is the best first step and then look into LTC insurance for yourself and move out. I'd rather be happy and have a life of my own than live this way and be used and abused until you wear out and are thrown out. Good luck and let us know what the situation is. Hugs to you, Linda
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I agree with the others who say to get out of there because you are being used.

I do have some questions though.

Do you or anyone have durable and medical POA for her? Frankly, she does not sound like the sort of person who would give one.

I gather from what you wrote that she does not have a will and does not care to have one. If she has a stroke and can't move or move very easily, will you be up to taking of that level of care? If she becomes incapacitated, who has the authority to manage her money and medical care? If no one, then you'all are sitting on a clicking time bomb that will someone getting guardianship to deal with.

My last question is Why are you staying?
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Dear, this only going to get worse as your mother ages. She thinks she's independent and your siblings think you're a freeloader. The only way this changes is if you move out.
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Oh yeah... a small etsy business is going to allow you to take care of yourself in YOUR old age? (Not knocking your job..) Is your sib going to take care of you when you need help with things? They need to grow up and you need to get out! I bet they have SS contributions, and maybe a retirement account. do you? I am very glad your business pays your bills.. but where is your savings for the future? You freeze in the winter and sweat in the summer for this? That used to be called a "sweatshop" and is illegal in the US.. and your sib really thinks this is going to make us feel BETTER about your treatment? She is the demented one.. IMO
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Delusional. The siblings are delusional, Pam.
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NO you are not getting a good deal, financially speaking. You are paying $250.00 a month while providing $2,000 a month worth of services. Mom's money should be spent on home repairs and maintenance, not yours, and if sibs want to save her estate, they should chip in the labor.

You may be getting a decent deal lifestyle wise. Your Etsy biz is great, it brings in a little income for you and probably helps keep you sane. And you do have a roof over your head, and you will have a cleaner conscience than some of your other sibs when all is said and done. They seem to be missing the piece of how much a non-family live-in aide might charge. Live-in aides usually do NOT pay rent.
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navymom, I an online merchant, so know where you are coming from. I hope your last year sales were better than mine. I had to dip heavily into retirement savings this past year. I live here "free" with my mother, too. The house is paid for and she pays the power, gas, and water. We split the rest, so yes, it does make good financial sense.

It doesn't make good sense otherwise, though. She makes her own breakfast and washes dishes after supper. I do everything else. I only have two rooms that are filled with her things. The two rooms house all my inventory, shipping supplies, computer, rabbits, and bed. It's like living out of a suitcase.

I could always move out to my own place, but I can't do that. It would not be the responsible thing to do. Plus it wouldn't be particularly smart to do it unless I was in extreme mental anguish. Do I feel used? Yes, but feeling used is not a good reason for me to do something that hurts both her and me. We have to consider the impact of the things we do.

It used to be fairly easy to make good money online. It has been getting harder every year for the past five years. If staying with your mother gives you the ability to do what you love, then that weighs heavily. Of course, getting some retirement money set back weighs even more. I hope you're able to work things out and start raking in the big bucks. Since you do crafts, however, it may be that soon your mother will be demanding so much time that your business will have trouble. It sounds like a good time to do some planning for what lies ahead.
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Oh, my dear navymom... my heart truly aches for you. i too am in a similar situation. i'm disabled (30 years), single, no kids, and have no long-term care insurance for myself. i'm caregiver to my mom, who berates me, tells me she hates me - tells me to move - get out of her sight - all day long, every day. i cook, clean, do the laundry, any and all errands and the yard work. Takes me longer - i'm disabled and in body braces. i'm the only one she has: one sibling lives 45 minutes away (and does giggly-goo conversations with mom) but never calls me to ask how mom is doing - and naturally, never asks how she might help me, help mom. Neither one ever asks if they can vaccuum or even pick up a a gallon of milk on the way here. How can i be home for the OT/PT staff and be at the grocers, drugstore, etc., and still cater to their whims? i have to pay for snow shoveling, grass cutting, and my own RX and insurances out of my SSDI - which is eating up my life savings. NO ONE will be here when i am ill, or pass ... the mailman will be calling the police because of mail piling up. Your sisters are molly-coddling up to your mom: and i'd bet you're just wishing you could have a nice pleasant relationship with your mom, instead of the barrage of hurtful words and deeds that come hurling out. My advice, stop paying rent: it's exchange of services (and yeah, you're still coming up on the short end). Present a bill, for services rendered. i wouldn't be able to leave my mom, despite the evil words, the abuse by my sisters toward me. i care too much. Protect your "ME" time. i'm proud of you for having an Etsy business ~ can you try to expand on the products you create? Sounds like you have a fabulous imagination. Your sisters are quite selfish and self-centered. When the one comes over to "borrow" money, tell your Mom, that because she does not want to "play favorites", she needs to get a promissary note (IOU) or it wouldn't be fair to your other sister, or to you. Another way is to make sure she writes a similar check to YOU and to your other sister at the same time. She'll realize that she is being taken advantage of. Meanwhile, you're just following the words she hurls at you: no, you're not living there for free .... you're living there out of your care and concern or her welfare. How much is Meals on Wheels - be sure to include that in your cost sheet. i pay a cab $50 r/t for a doctor's visit. If i have to hire a "someone is waiting" because of anesthesia, the price is $150-$200, depending on how long they need to wait for me (sisters aren't __um, conveniently__available to help). Could you leave home for an hour or so - just for you - even if it's to go bowling? You may meet other people, and gosh, wailing that bowling ball down the alley an be a great stress reliever! (Picture faces on those bowling pins - lol). You're in my prayers... keep us posted, please.
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Pays all your bills?

I thought you were living there for free?

Which?

I'm still not so sure about that really good deal. I'd more likely say you're actually paying a pretty high rent. But RocknRobin has it right: sit down with a big piece of paper and Add Up. Enough b/s from siblings who apparently control your mother's money and ought to be spending it on her care and maintenance. Best of luck.
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I'm new to this forum and to the experience of sharing comments in this format so please excuse me if I'm too blunt...Taking care of an elderly person with problems is incredibly difficult and time consuming. You also have the added perk of having family and your mom trivialize your efforts. I would ask your sister to try your "free ride" on for a few weeks (while you leave for that time..vacation possible?) and see for herself what indentured servitude feels like. Its easy to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement, but you are brave, strong and worthy of so much more, just for being someone who is willing to step up and give your mom the help she has needed. Seems to me like you are getting a bum deal.
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Amen, Colleen. So well said.
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I do have an occasional couple of days away from mom several times during the summer. My younger sis that I adore , she really is one of the most generous people I know and compared to my " $20 dollar Christmas gifts mom " she's a philanthropist . She and her husband go to the lake to stay at their RV and boat and ski with his family almost every other weekend in the summer. Because taking their 2 dogs is not really convenient, they usually ask me to dog sit. Sometimes she pays me and sometimes she doesn't because she knows that I get a few days to stay in a lovely home with all of the TV channels a person could want. Usually I don't even turn the TV on because it has WAAAY too many remotes for me to figure out how to turn the 70 inch flat screen TV on ... LOL and because I am an avid reader, so I just read when I'm there. Even as I read what I am posting my brain says "you are such a schmuck" but sometimes you get yourself into a situation that is nearly impossible to get out of even with the best intentions at heart.
I am not going to leave my mom, I still carry the guilt that I moved to California and my dad died alone and undiscovered for 4 days. BUT I am trying to think of a way to take a month off, leave and tell them all to use that time to understand that I am worth something. Anybody need a dog sitter? LOL
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Before anyone gets the impression that my younger sis is rolling in dough, I think I need to say......He has a great job and they live a BIG life , but they, like so many people in America , are up to their eyeballs in debt. From the new cars and the nice home to the RV. Nothing is actually theirs, it belongs to the bank. Everything I have, what little I have, is paid for. So many people are living beyond their means so there really is no way she could help pay for a live-in care taker if I quit. I guess my mom who has a fairly large estate would have to pay for her own care, but that would leave no chance that I could stay in the home I share with her after she is gone. .
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Yes, she would have to pay for her own care. Your mother should be paying you as her caregiver from her resources with a written contract.

So, you don't want your mother to pay for her own care because they would make you homeless. Do you have any money left over from selling your house years ago and moving back to care for your mother? Is the house promised or willed to you if you stay there as her full time caregiver?
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No, I rented until I moved in with her. The house and all of her assets (one small apt. complex, several certificates of deposit and her savings as well as her bank account) are to be divided 3 ways after any expenses of her end of life care are paid.The variable is ... how much will her end of life care cost , if I don't do the end of life care ? It could be several thousands of dollars but she won't do a living trust. She believes that if she puts the property into a trust she will no longer control her assets. It is actually a very common belief with elderly people, even though it would take ALL three of us siblings to agree to sell it all and drop her off at the local homeless shelter. I know that is a crazy unfounded fear but it is her fear and it is her money.
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Navymom, I don't like the idea that you are committed to staying with your mother at the risk of becoming homeless when she dies, and it doesn't seem like you're saving anything towards that possibility. It's raising a different question for me: Does your mom agree that she shouldn't be living alone, and do your siblings agree as well (the ones who see her regularly, anyway). Does she want/need a live-in companion at all? Is she capable of living on her own with the rest of you in your own homes a few (or many) miles away? It seems to me that your siblings and even your Mom are acting like you're not providing anything of value and maybe from their perspectives it's true. I think this is a key issue here.

I know she lives in her recliner. So does my mom, at 83. My mom uses a walker both indoors and out, and needs to hold on even when standing still to prevent falling. I know your mom needs help with shopping and errands, as my mom does. Apparently she doesn't cook. My mom doesn't cook much either - she's not able to stand up long enough to chop vegetables or stir gravy. She can't carry a pasta pot to the sink. One of her two grocery trips per week is to a local grocery that has a big hot bar with lots of prepared meals, and my mother buys meals for the week there.

Nobody lives with my mom, now. My sister and I help her and then we go home, although I live a ways away and have enough "chores" to keep me busy for a few days at a time so I stay overnight at Mom's.

I think maybe you moved in with your Mom too soon, before the rest of the family recognized the need for someone to be there. Because of that, you have no bargaining power. If I were you, I'd insist that the house be placed in joint ownership with you as survivor beneficiary. Or as a "life estate" for her and "remainder" for you (that means you own nothing in her lifetime but you own the house outright when she dies). If they're not willing to do that, I'd move out and not move back until they are willing to do that. Do not be left homeless when your mother dies. I've seen that happen to caregivers who devoted many years of full-time care and it can be a real disaster.
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Your sibs are selfish. If you are there, they don't have to be.
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Where do you live Navymom? I pay big bucks for a dogsitter to come and spend the night with my elderly border collie. I think we are somewhat alike in that i do all the caregiving for my parents, often take in others dogs for free...but when i need something ...i have to pay big bucks..somehow no one is ever available to help me...not for free anyway.


So even sitting for your sisters dogs like you do has value..a lot if value.
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katiekay, that is one of the most frustrating things about my situation too. I am doing so much for my family but there is rarely anyone to help me out if I need anything. And I know very well that if I need help when I'm old, my siblings and their families won't feel the slightest bit obligated. They don't realize that I am contributing to all their lives by taking care of Mom. So they don't feel the need to reciprocate of compensate in any way, not even with moral support. It bites.
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Ya know the phrase, I need to sleep on it, well I really do think in my sleep and at some point in the night it occurred to me that a really can save enough to get a small mobile home if I really tried. My carpenter ( he makes the bed crowns for me and I paint them ) Bought a vacant church, put in a shower and small kitchenette and the rest of it is his shop. So actually he lives where he works.
If I had my own place even if it is a trailer house it would be mine and if I wanted to use the entire space as my shop, I could and use only the bed room for my living space. As it is now I live in a 8x10 room when I am not watching mom or cooking or working. I guess sometimes you just have to say to yourself YES I CAN rather than " no I can't" , just because no I can't takes less work. I will still check in on mom and I DO NOT plan on discussing my plans with anyone buy my son until the plans are well underway. I know my mother and unless things are already in the works she will pull out the guilt paddle and start using it. First thing I expect will be "Oh so now that I may need you soon, your just gonna cut and run". The problem with that is whether she needed me before or not she used me plenty and that became evident when she decided that rather than buy a rollerwalker to go to the largest casino in the world "Winstar" she decided to save herself the cost of renting a rollerwalker or a scooter and if she got tired I could push her around in one of their guest wheelchairs. I know because she commented to her sis about how huge the place was and how tired she gets and then responded to some question her sis asked ( it was a telephone convo ) "I'm not gonna pay for that, that's too expensive" This was before we left so I know what her plan was before we went to winstar. When she told me to get a wheelchair I said "okay but who are you gonna get to push it". I thought she was going to blow a blood vessel. She stomped off mad.
Anyway Thank you all for the comments and especially Carlcb because your first post started my brain going. I also think that I moved in to early and because it was so easy to let me do everything it became expected and now that it may be needed, it is not appreciated since I have been doing it all, all along.
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