Hey I'm not the only child. I just can't understand how siblings can just totally wash their hand of their parent.

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I just can't understand how siblings can just totally wash their hand of their parent. I have total care of my 89 year old mother with dementia. My husband and I still work full time and I'm 61. We take Mom to an adult day care while we work during the day. When we need a break we have to set up respite care somewhere. We do not get offers for help to doctors appointments or help with researching any assistance that might be out there from the family. Both my brother and sister live only about 1 hour away and are retired, but I'm told by both of them they are too busy with their families to help. Hey I have 3 sons and one grandson, but my time is precious with them because I'm care for Mom. I was told by both of them to just put Mom in a Nursing home - but you just don't put someone in Nursing home. She has no money, except what her Social Security brings in. My husband and I am exhausted, but I care about my Mom too much to just shove her off somewhere. My sister told me to drop her off at an Emergency room and say she's a danger to herself, then they would place her somewhere. I just don't get it. Any suggestions..................tired and confused.

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I understand your being heartsick and frustrated over not getting any help. I am a live-in caregiver because neither of her children want to deal with her. She is late stage Alzheimer . They have never really been present for her. I have known this family for 5 years and have never known either one to change her pants, only get upset when she doesn't. The way her daughter talks to her sends me around the bend. Everyone lives within a block of each other. So, just know you are not alone, even tho there are times you may be lonely. I don't know why some will step up and do what is right, and others don't care. Not for me to judge, tho I do have an opinion. Maybe God just sends the best qualified to do this job. He knows no matter how tired we get we will not abandon elders that need care, love and assistance. We are not going to know in this life what that answer is, so just keep on keepin on, It takes too much energy to be upset over things we can not change. This sight is perfect for getting it off your mind and heart. you will get love and support here, so keep comin back.....
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With you girl! Adult day care is great see if they will be willing to do Saturdays and sundays too. A planned day with a private caregiver is always some thing to look forward to and helps get you thru the week.
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pid-When I first came to this sight I was troubled because I thought I was the only person in the world that had neglectful and uncaring brothers.I took their lack of conscious towards my dad as a stabb in the heart,now that I've been on for a while,I am not just bothered by my own brothers lack of character-but the whole world seems to have siblings that need to get their priorities straight.My dad has passed now,but if I were to do it over again,the main thing I would do different is not waste any time or tears on my brothers.Besides not being fair that you are on overload all of the time,its hurtful to have to explain the other ones absence to a disappointed mom or dad.My one brother who my dad was very upset with-he never visited-called-saw him in the ICU-he was called on my dads final day-still didn't come-he didnot come to the funeral-but because he had armed himself with a attorney-came in after the funeral sueing for his rightful inheritence or he claimed. The law protects people like him-but a caregiver really needs to protect themselves because the system is not family caregiver friendly.I think your lucky your mom can still get around to go to a adult daycare.It seems on here the youngest of the kids make up the majority of family caregivers-with middle kids comin in second-You know you re not just your mom's caregiver now-your her hero.
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I can relate in that I have siblings who live in other cities and states. They express guilt over not helping out more, but don't come around much. They are , however, very vocal about what my sister and I do in caring for Mom who has dementia/Alzheimer's. I was told by one of my older sisters that I "was making the end of my mother's life miserable" because I wasn't dealing as patiently with her as she thought I should. I admit that patience is something I have to work on. Mom lives with me. I work full time teaching second grade. I admit that I am angry and resentful. My mother was very critical and controlling of me as a child and said and did some truly mean things to me. I'm sure that plays a powerful role in my impatience and resistance to this role as caregiver. I'm working on it. My brother and sisters do not want Mom in a nursing home. When I think about her not being here I feel guilty for not being more patient and understanding and capable as a caregiver. I've heard many people here talk about "accepting your role as a caregiver" and embracing the healing and growth that can come from this situation. I pray that I get there.
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Thanks Ed........what you said was so true. It does seem today that everything is about the money. But I believe that "what goes around comes around"
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PID:

Where I come from -- the Brazilian Amazon -- supporting poor family members is considered a moral duty. That moral duty, however, has receded as society evolved, family life changed, and the government created a variety of federal and state programs to meet the needs of the poor.

If your Mother had a hefty bank account, I bet your sibling's sense of "morality" would increase to the point of fighting you as caregiver; or at least visit on a regular basis. For now, there's nothing to be gained from it. I have no doubt they care about her, but not enough to travel 1 hour once a week.

I'd try to convince myself I'm an only child like Pirate Queen, and let your siblings deal with their conscience when the time comes.

Good luck my friend.

-- ED
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This is the most frustrating part of cargiving, as the caring person with the good intensions, it is difficult to understand why others neglect to assist and make it all your problem, and while they have great ideas and complaints without any real solutions. From my own experience, and other Caregivers that I know in my life and now here at Agingcare, this is most definately a common reality. I found the struggle of seeking family to help, to be added stress and a waiste of my energy, you might as well be asking a snowman to help infact he would most likely would help more. So my suggestion is.... ask for help that may lighten your load such as phone calls, research on finacial assistance if they refuse still, tell them you need financial assisance from them to pay for an aid or daycare, send info to them as proof for costs, money seems to wake them up. If you get a negative response move on and do what you have to. If your Mom is broke you should begin researching medicaid eligibility and she needs you as Power of Attorney to handle financial assistance for applications on her behalf. If you cannot care for her it may be best to seek a NH, I thought this would be horrible but it is best thing for Mom but I stay involved and informed.
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Oh man...that is exactly what I am going through.
Out of six kids, i'm it. I quit my job and moved in with my mother who has COPD very badly. I have a sister that lives 8 blocks away and doesnt visit. None of the siblings even visit much less offer to help.
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I feel what your saying - I don't get it.........but I think what you say is too true.......someday we have to account for our actions/decisions we make on this earth.......thanks :)
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well I am just an only child so have to do it, but I also cannot understand folks who have brothers and sisters BIRTHED by the same parent and wash their hands of it...well if there is a hell, I hope they have a nice seat there warmed up for these scapegoats! LOL!
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