Resentment towards siblings.

And they will get their "fair share" having done nothing. $5000 a month to put mom in a nursing home for memory care. but I have the privilege of knowing i did what god wants??? haven't seen a blessing yet and really don't believe it's coming. doesn't really work like that. Really.

I just want a day... a whole day to ride my bike or take a long hike or sit under a tree and read a book. I asked my brother for a whole and and he just ignored my text. I have 10 living siblings who won't help at all with OUR mother with dementia. she's lived with me for 3 years. not one day by myself. my oldest sister still resents not being an only child since parents 'ruined her life' 40 years ago. i just want one day to myself. guilt?? they have no guilt. they only thing they are is selfish. i will be writing them out of my $1 million will. And a long letter explaining why. and i will NEVER forget. Can't wait til it's over even if it means losing her. just wonder how much longer...

Are the hors lemony fresh?

Captain, you'd do great with stand-up comedy!

I know what it feels like to be the the go-to person for an aging parent. My Mom was just simply an outstanding, fun loving and independent individual. But, now she is needy, very critical of others, and demanding. Sometimes I get very frustrated, but I remember the great Mom she was while growing up in the loving home she created for my siblings and me. My siblings act as if she is only my mother. They don't help financially and they live out of state. They go on vacations and spend freely on themselves and their spouses. They acted like sending me $50 a month for the monthly maintenance of Mom's yard was a hardship or they would tell me they forgot. I just stopped asking/reminding them. I simply thank God for blessing me and my husband financially and I handle it. My husband and niece also help: my other blessings from God. Mom is 78 years old and has never lived alone: Pop died in 2003. She always complains about being lonesome, but she is in good health, great driver, owns her home, and goes to the senior center at least 3 days a week. She just wants me to spend more time with her. I do not always have time. This is where I get frustrated. I handle all of her business (car, home, dogs) you name it. I oversee two households. I just thank God for being able to work from home, the flexibility to respond to her needs and being financially able to care for her. I do not concern myself with my siblings selfishness. She is my mom and I will always take care of her, as she took care of me. Thanks for letting me share and vent. Remember, growing up, if you we're blessed to have loving parents who sacrificed for you, make that sacrifice for them. God will bless you. Pray for your siblings.

Do i ever relate to you. 4 older siblings. i live with and care for my mom. they won't even acknowledge that i am burned out. my social butterfly sister is always posting her angst on facebook. she also writes things implying that she is really involved in mom's life. i rarely post on there. i have to hold back from writing something hateful to her posts. i so want to call them all out and embarrass them. i don't because i have no doubt that it would backfire on me.

zoomdots---sometime I wonder about struggling through to seek common ground with my brother and SIL. I don't want to struggle---for my brother and SIL.. it wouldn't be struggling to make my mother feel better about the resentment I have for my brother and his wife.my mother doesn't know the riff between us.When I have such a weak sibling, I feel that he should step up to the plate, he's not stupid, he's just...well I guess very selfish.

It's very hard, and there is such a huge feeling of helplessness, as if we can't do anything to make it better. You should read this caregiver's topic: https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/senior-dying-155223.htm?cpage=2
Well the nurse gave mom 5 more days...It's agonizing.. Her posts are enough to keep anyone motivated and in the here and now!

the relationships between siblings can be a source of turmoil for aging parents

seeking common ground in relationships no matter the age, sickness or wellness is a cause worth struggling through

reading over these i am experiencing mixed emotions

Thank you, loridtabbykat. I was never a very religious person. Mom is so, when she feels up to it, we have gone to church. I must say, it does cause me to be more at peace. It just breaks my heart to see her in so much pain.

I've signed up for daily bible verses on a couple websites and they help too!

Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking, because you were all called together in one body to have peace. Always be thankful. Colossians 3:15

I try to focus on the Love of my Mom every time I start to think about my brother and sister and how selfish they are. I also realize that my brother and sister are not active in church or the teachings of Jesus Christ. The evil one is ever present and constant supplication and belief in Our Father is the only way to overcome!

So true but, I do not believe they will grieve. I don't believe they know just how sick she really is! I need to stop thinking of what they are not doing and focus on her and getting her better. Once I see that we are on the right track (we only just started these treatments for her one month ago) then, we can get into a routine. I have to believe this year will be a better year! Please, God, Oh Please!

Stories about family relationships wont end the sadness that comes with grief

Something about grief brings out what is happening in a family

Sometimes grief feels like forever

Hi Book, thank you for your suggestions. Truth is we already do little things together and I do cherish this time. Although yes, it is winter, we have moved to Florida where she is able to go outdoors and feel the breeze on her face. So much better than being cooped up indoors and feeling the dampness. Not good for her pain. Unfortunately, as to brushing hair, she began to lose her hair. So sad. I recall when it happened 10 years ago with her first treatments. We are going to the cancer store on Monday to shop for hair scarves, etc. I've spoken to mom about appealing to my bro's heart (I believe he does care deep down -- my sis is a lost cause). Curious to see how this will turn out. He was always the Prince of the family that she catered to hand and foot. He has never had to do anything for himself. My dad handed him a business upon his death. He never, ever had to sacrifice for anyone!

I'm just at a point where I need to get my life in order. I'm still looking for work. I have an interview tomorrow -- wish me luck! I want to get out and meet people. I do believe that all of these things will happen and I need to make them happen. Right now it's about her and seeing the pain on her face that she is feeling. It breaks my heart.

Losinghope, you spend as much time as you can with your mom. Good times.. I know it's winter there, but things can be done inside the home. Remember when you were little, and you loved it when your mom brushed her hair? You can both do that - to one another. It's a very relaxing and much intimate gesture of love between a mother and her child. You can have a mini- pajama party and set up hot chocolates and fancy it up with cool whip or marshmallows. You can both go to an indoor bazaar and promise to only spend $5 or $10 on something small, and wrap it up and give as gifts - with a story attached to it. Remember when you were young and loved to hear stories? My favorite that we did as children was telling each other made up stories about US as the main character. You can try to get whatever trinket is bought, and make up a story. Rearrange Hansel and Gretel to YOUR version, or Cinderalla to YOUR version. Maybe once a month, have a mother/daughter special dinner out. It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant. I guess people would think going to the movies but...you're both sitting down watching ..I'd rather spend quality time like sitting on cafe and people-watching. Make up stories about their lives. Sooo many things. Just ask yourself, what YOU would love - and apply it to your mom. I'm glad to see you again, Losinghope. I'm sorry that your mom realizes this about your siblings. Especially knowing that she might die from this and they're not there for her.

I'm sorry you're all dealing with your uncooperative siblings. I learned on this site when I found it in May/June 2012 that our siblings have a Right Not to Help with our parents. Once I accepted this (not very easy to do - since I had like 23 years of unbelieving this), I was able to decide what other ways can I find help. I have help now from most of my siblings. But this took years and years of working on their conscience. I hope you all are faster learners than I am!

I don't think I will ever understand the selfishness! We were all raised in the same home, in the same manner and with the same rules. My mom is a saint who gave and gave of her heart and could never fight back if she were wronged by her son and daughter. I am the youngest and chose a different path in the sense of I went to college. My sister, who was always jealous of me, would use it to sabatoge me in any way she could. I was accepted to law school. My first time away from home. During my first semester, my dad had a massive heart attack and passed away. She immediately took it upon herself to call me back home saying she needed help. She proceeded to dump all on me and never looked back. To this day, 20+ years later, she continues to do the same. Mom now has cancer again (sister refused to do anything when she was diagnosed 10 years ago) and I'm telling lies to family and friends when I state that both her son and daughter have abandoned her. I spoke to my aunt and uncle, who are retired, and they offered to help me so that I can work. Mom put her house on the market and she and I moved to her home near my aunt and uncle. Well, you would think this was something mom never had any intentions on doing! Mom's house is in a warmer climate and she has been coming down for the last 20 years for the Winter months. It was suggested that she should do this for many years by her attorney for financial reasons. I have left my job, friends, etc. to come here with her with the hopes that I could have some semblance of a life with help from my aunt and uncle. I feel horrible for mom because her eyes have been opened to the fact that her son and daughter don't care about her, don't believe how ill she is and simply do not care. It's awful. How do I keep her spirits up?

loridtabbykat,
THANK YOU for sharing- your words are encouraging and so very true.

I have an uninvolved brother. My payback: Today I heard my Daddy say he loves me. My brother did not. It does not happen often, and I KNOW he loves me, but today I heard it from his own lips. Heaven.

Yup, I have the same problem too. I started going to Church, praying, and praying, and praying, about a year's worth. Slowly but surely the Lord has blessed me with his Peace and Grace. I no longer worry about them not helping me or their Mom. The Lord has blessed me, and I have Peace. This Peace didn't happen overnight, I really went through some very angry, and very very painful episodes. Spend any and all free moments reading on-line Bible Studies, listen to the Christian Music, Christian TV, surround yourself with everything and anything that teaches Jesus's way. Trust in the Lord. Just a year ago, I never spoke like this. God is Good, Our Lord Jesus truely is the Prince of Peace. God Bless you, and hang in there, it was not a easy road to here, and I'm sure I will have to endure yet more tangled, messed up, roads ahead, but I know that God LOVES ME and HE LOVES YOU TOO! Hang in there.

writing letters and cards is just a thoughtful expression
however allowing the lack of reciprocation is questionable
keepsakes like cards,letters,photos are true treasures

give a hug and mom of 2- encouragement like this forum is new to me as well

dealra- I haven't been on this site for very long either- it does make you feel good to vent and have others really understand what you are going through. Being bitter sure can take up a lot of your time. I am trying to focus on what I am doing- not what my syblings are NOT doing. I know it's hard.

Just found this site---------I too care for my 89 mother while my brother and sister-in-law go on vacation after vacation (they are both retired) and I am a single parent of a 12 yo trying to scrape a living together.my mother lives in an apt. attached to my house in VT, my brother lives in NC and has visited her once in 2 years and only for about 15 minutes.I finally blew up at my SIL after she didn't even send my mother a birthday card.....and expects my mother to send one to her husband-honestly my brother and SIL make me so mad!!! I want to do something about it--but what can I do?

Happy Holidays

When my parents pass, I will feel good about myself knowing I was there for them - and that's the most important thing that I need to focus on. I am trying to be more positive because being bitter is getting me nowhere. My sister and brother are the ones with the problem - not me.

jeannegibbs you are right. I have no answer to why I allow except I grew up watching my parents show so much love for my grandparents who were kind and wonderful parents even in their senior years. Always hoped I would have that kind of relationship when my parents grew older. I never get to see my father and my mother relies to much on me. At least I have the memories of loving grandparents.

Unfortunately I don't have any tips or advice to give on handling resentment towards siblings. I have the same issue: I have two brothers who live 2 1/2 hours away by car, never bother to visit, but have no shortage of constant criticism and "I could've done it better" attitude when I take the time to contact them and update them about our dad and grandmother's conditions. Its frustrating. I just mostly tune them out now. Theres never been one word of acknowledgment from them or any other family about the huge personal sacrifice I'm making or any offer to help, financially or otherwise. More than anything, I'd just like some gratitude from them, but instead I get the other end of the stick...

Debralee, Why do you let your mother dictate who does what? If you and your sister want to divide up tasks, do it, and then each of you do your part. Mom doesn't like your sister helping? Then she can do without those tasks done. You cannot control your mother's attitude but you can control your own actions.

I have two brothers who are not involved in my mother's life. They call occasionally and come by once or twice a year maybe. When my father died, one brother came to the hospital. The other showed up for the funeral. One of my brothers is very religious and was the main talker at my father's funeral. Really he used it as a grandstand for his cult-like religion, pondering the question if my father was really saved. My mother enjoyed him talking, and the funeral was for her. Later I did wonder at why my brother thought he had any insight into my father. He hadn't spent any time with him in over 10 years. He is still my mother's favorite. I guess we always want the thing we can't have.

My other brother lives in another state. He has the financial POA and is executor of the will. My mother has faith in him -- he is a golden child. I know him well enough to know that he won't be there for us, so I've tried to set things up so we don't need the POA for anything important. He will probably show up for the funeral and have to leave quickly afterward, leaving an will to be executed at a later date.

Both of my brothers suffer from being too busy and important. They are really just two normal men with normal jobs. I don't resent them. I know it is how they are and know what I can expect from them.

I should say I have the exact opposite problem.