My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

I too have 3 siblings who won't/don't help I have one sister who calls once a week and visits my mom about once every two months. I've heard every excuse in the book. I'm busy, I work full time, you moved her next to you. I've been caring for my 77 yr old mom who has severe COPD and on oxygen 24/7 for 3 years now after my father's death. My mom never drove or made friends.
I have finally given up asking for help. I couldn't even get help when I had breast cancer and went through chemo and radiation last year.
I have decided when my mother passes there will be no big service. There will be a small grave side service with no lunch after. There is no way I will let my siblings grieve over my mother when she dies when they refused help when she was alive. She receives no visits or calls from 3 out of 4 children and the 4th only visits once every two months out of guilt.

One thing I would do is keep all receipts of things you have purchased. Are you in charge legally over your mothers things as care and if she dies? I know if is frustrating I have live through the same thing with my gramma. Some of the family didn't want to do anything but wait till she died to see what money or things they would get so keeping receipts will be benificial to you if that happens and from what you've said it sounds like it might. See if you can get services that can help you. Your not alone, I think a lot of us have been in the same boat. Don't wear yourself down if you need take a break and breath cause I know it's not easy but you don't want to get yourself sick either. Good luck

well let me tell you I went through that too but I refuse to hate my family because they're paying for it now pretty much all of them are having issues heath issues financial issues living issues I don't have to do anything I put it all in Gods hands they sent me through a lot I took care of my mother and my father and what do they try to do to me they took me to court because of money and it still didn't work in their favor because God knows I was there to the end almost they wouldn't come around they didn't want to help when me and my husband wanted to go out we had to ask someone outside the family to come and sit with my dad he had Alzheimer's and they didn't want to be around him but when they wanted to borrow money oh they were there for a few days just to get the money then I would see them anymore they were horrible to me they strip me from everythingall because they were greedy see karma get you and that Bible saying it is Auto or die mother and father and your days will be long and fruitful not for my family they're having a rough time yes I used to get upset I used to cry and my dad was see this I didn't want him to but he did now he was in 1st 2nd stage but he knew what was going on and he told me don't worry about it they don't have to come around they will see and sure enough I'm sitting back and watching they call and borrow money for me they call and asked when they come and stay with me because dating that put out of their house or their apartmentsand you know what I say sure I had 20 or 30 dollars sure I have a place to stay but I will not give you done and I will not let you lay your head in my home I won't do it I forgive them but I don't trust him anymore it's not because of what they did to me is what they did to our parents so don't hate them going to do what you gotta do because in the long run they will pay for it just sit back and watch

they probably hate you , youre capable and have the guts to do the work and theyre spineless . patience my friend, your going to be a different and better person when this is over , theyre still going to be self centered losers ..
i took the best care of one elder , when mother died i hopped in with her 90 yr old sister. i know what im talking about . im a g - d man , screw the selfish losers..

This seems to be such a prevalent issue.. I'm having the same problem with my siblings. In their case I live closer then my siblings (i still don't live in the same state as my parents.. but closer). But.. this shouldn't absolve them of pulling their weight.. doing SOMETHING!

What hurts me the most is that they are unwilling to give up ANYTHING in their lives...but expect me to give up EVERYTHING. My brother even thinks i should give up my job, move to the remote area my parents are in to be there full time caregiver.. without ANY help of course because you can't even hire help in that area. Then he says...well.. i thought you enjoyed being with them? Visiting them when they were younger and independent and caregiving are 2 separate things...

I also have a lot of resentment.. and I fear I will lose my relationship with my siblings..leaving me with no family once my parents are gone. I'm not sure how to handle keeping a relationship with them.. knowing that they reallly aren't going to be there for me ..or my parents. I don't like knowing how much they are not there for me..lol.

I do think in their mind they say.. well.. Katie doesn't mind not having her own life or being free or going on vacations .. etc. Its easier somehow for her to give up these things.. but.. not them.

I think Olmaandme is giving too much credit to siblings that do not help out. Siblings that do not help out should show some good faith and at least do something. We all have to do things that we don't want to do at times in life, and why should some siblings get a free ride by not helping out? Perhaps what is most annoying about siblings that do not help out, is that they re-enter the picture when it is time to collect the inheritance.

Hating them is a waste of time and effort.Billing them won't get you anywhere either.Consider this: They are afraid to see your mother or talk to her.It's scary to see a parent in her situation.
Maybe they are selfish? Many of us are.....if we have the opportunity to avoid a distasteful situation most of will especially if we know someone else will take of the problem competently.
Obviously you are the strongest, most reliable, most trustworthy person in the pack so you did what leaders do.You stepped in and took over.
If you can satisfy yourself with the thought that one day they will be in the position your mother is now.

When my mom was the age I am now, she couldn't afford her house any longer. Wanting to help her, we sold our house and purchased a two family house so she would have a place to live. We have never charged her a penny for anything, providing free electricity, heat, and cable tv. We have never been wealthy, and my husband and I have always both worked very hard to provide for my mom and our children. That was 24 years ago, and for the last 22 years my sister, who lives close by, would visit often to go out with my mom, always using my mom's car and gas, and often "borrowing" money from her.
Now that my mom is terminally ill with cancer, completely deaf, and partially blind (completely blind in one eye, and she has macular degeneration in the other eye), and has no money to give away, my sister seldom comes over to see her, and never offers to help me with anything.
I take my mom to all of her numerous doctor appointments, fill her prescriptions, feed her, order her supplies, do her laundry, clean, etc.. I also take care of her two cats that she is no longer able to care for.
If I ask my sister for help, she either screams at me, makes up an excuse, or pretends her phone battery died. My sister has a very active social life, and today had a big bar-b-que at her house. I only know about it because she and her friends posted all about it with photos on facebook.
The time before my mom's most recent hospitalization, my sister decided to take a trip the same day I took my mom to the emergency room and she ended up being admitted. I knew all about the trip because I saw the play by play of her bar hopping morning, noon, and night on facebook the entire week I was running back and forth to visit with my mom at the hospital.
I did not choose to be the one to care for my ill mom, but I am thankful she has me to care for her. I am incredibly angry and resentful towards my sister who chooses to party and rub it in my face, rather than helping share the responsibility. It's very easy to make excuses and delude yourself into thinking that someone else chose to be the one, but it's a very heavy and depressing burden to bear alone.

My brother said that it wasn't convenient for him to help out with our father. After 8 months our dad changed his will leaving his portion of the estate to me and now my brother is very involved. The only thing is that dad has passed on and we're now involved in litigation. Isn't it ironic how a person who didn't have time to see their father does have time to show up for countless depositions...

I am going through this with my siblings. Haven't talked to the 3 of them in over 2 years. Why is this so common in families? Always remind me of the saying "One mother can take care of many children, but many children can't take care of one mother." I wish all of you luck with your siblings but I don't care if I ever lay eyes on mine again. Sad, but true.

Hey JulieBell, think about your mom and how much you lover her, and why you’re taking care of her in the most needed time of her life, and forget about them and don’t compare your life with theirs, and don’t let your careless siblings take the joy and love of what you doing with your mom.

yes

My siblings have put me in the same position. Out of six of us I am the only one caring for my dad while they took off and abandoned him and are now only worried about getting their hands on his land and his money. My sisters are purely narcissistic... liars, manipulators, users... I just thank god I am not like them... that I truly love and care for our dad, and have a soul and a heart. It's difficult being the sole caregiver... but it's rewarding too. His health has so much improved and just to see him smile and know he's in good spirits after all he's gone through after having major surgery makes me feel I've gained riches. I do hate my siblings, but try not to let them control me by dwelling on their selfishness and spite. I'll have nothing on my conscience when dad is gone.... I did my best by him. Likely they won't either, because they have no conscience... but that's more the pity. They're truly pathetic, and one day I'm sure pity is all I'll feel for them.

Starskye, I feel for you. I would literally try and forget that sister as I know that the hatred and disbelief of how they have treated your mother can eat you up. Try and focus on your mum and your other siblings. Thinking of you.

my mother has vascular dementia, she was allway"s a hard worker and did not retire until she was 72yrs.she is now 84. I have 4 sisters 3 of us care for her the youngest 1 does nothing, maybe a phone call once in 6 weeks but my mother cannot understand what she says. she stays 5mins away but never visits, at 1 time she visited everyday even if only for an hour. she collected my mums pension each week and paid the bills.however I take care of all the mail, I started to receive demand notices saying the bills were not being paid on time. I pulled her up about this many times, she would swear they were paid, but they were not at all. last year she put all the cards through my mums door, letting us see she wanted nothing more to do with bills. but did not put my mums bank cards through.i went to the bank asking for new pin numbers for my mother, to find she had been taking her money out the bank monthly.leaving her with next to nothing.i wanted her charged, but my sister felt telling my mum about this could have made her worst,,as my mum trusted her so much.she goes on holiday each year,has her own home,works as a full time carer, to think what she has done to my mum, breaks our heart. we can never forgive her for this and I'm sure when she found out she could no longer use a cash=line machine to take more money out, that is the reason why she has never returned. my sister wants her to do her share of caring, but I could never look at her again, I know I would let it spill. it hurts my mum as they were allways close, but all she was interested in was taking.my mother is getting worse, forgetting names, mixed up between night and day,not knowing what day it is, and very very confused. I can only feel hatred for my sister,i never want to see her again ever, this will stay with me forever, my mum would have given her all to her if she asked but to steal is the lowest of the low.

Thank you.
I will do that
kind regards

One comment about the upcoming family funeral - I find it is often anxiety producing, when I'm headed for an event that brings me together with people that I am afraid to talk to or am angry with or fear. It's hard to think at such times, I can feel tense for a week or so before such an event. I try to remember that this is what some people call "over-thinking", but what I am struggling with is to decide on a strategy, not sure whether to speak up, or be silent. One thing you might do, is this week, write your brother a "letter", put down the things you feel without restraint. Don't send the letter, but write what you'd want to say. A couple of days later, review it, maybe even write it again. That way, when you go to the funeral, if the occasion comes up, you have prepared some of the things you want to say, so you can say them with less anxiety. Or, you might choose to just be there and talk, and you know you have your remarks prepared so you can ask to sit with your brother another time. That takes some of the anxiety of sudden and anxious decisions at the event. And good luck and I hope you find connections for yourself, even separate from your brother.

I didn't 'chose' to be a caretaker of my mum. I had been bringing up my dead sisters children for 15 years with no help financial help from my brother, or anyone. My mum had put all of her efforts into making sure that my brother got the best education, and lots of out of school clubs. She would tell me that he was the boy and when he was older he would look after the family. But no....he was far too busy and important to even visit our mum. If he did visit her it was with a bunch of flowers, while I was left there literally cleaning up her shit! I worked full time, part time and was a single mum and the main carer for our mum. Why couldn't he even help with her finances? I was depressed for many years. In fact even now my mum has died I still can't believe that he would think that I am that worthless that he thought it was fine that I should take on all of the responsibility of her when I already had taken other family responsibilities? When was my time for a career? The first few months she was ill I said I am not doing it....but after 3 months I could see that she had not had a shower or bath, I couldn't leave her being neglected. She has been dead for three years now and I try not be consumed by hate and I don't speak to him at all...I am financially and emotionally empty. But we have a family funeral to go to next week and all of the old hate and upset has returned. All of those days and weeks when she asked for him but he was too busy, those days when I washed her, fed her, listened to her and loved her. I do miss her.

I don't think a caregiver actually chooses to be the "one" to step forward to take charge over the situation ... I think its more that the other "would be caregivers" take a step (or two) backwards. Some see it coming and realize that its not for them ... while others look around and think if not me then who? In my personal situation I saw it coming and wanted no part of it. Since its my MIL and not my mother I knew that if I stepped up to the plate my husband would be quickly taking that step backwards and its HIS mother not mine!!!! So when things started to happen and my MIL started this one month here and one month with her other son I began to distance myself from her because I knew and I still know that when things change and they will ... I'm not the one being left holding the diaper. That may sound a bit harsh but like I said its his mother ... and she may have tried to "trick" me into the role ... but I saw it coming. Right after my FIL died she started saying that I was like a daughter to her ... immediately a crimson red flag came up ... I mean OK we got along nicely but that felt like OMG ... So bascially her other son (I hope) will be the one to get stuck with the dirty diapers because he is that way and my husband isn't. MY BIL does the wash, dishes, cooks, sews you name it ... whatever she tells him to do ... while mine would have a hard time finding the washing machine ... brillo ... pots and pans ...and needles and thread. She'll (SIL) yuck will get all the help in the world if MIL ends up needing caregiving. Right now she's 84 and could and should still be living on her own but she chose to give her kids the business ... but this is as far as I go ... my diaper changing days are over!

I am the the only caregiver to my mum with dementia and stroke for the past 4 years, I have 6 other siblings none of them bother to pitch in. They have all sorts of excuses whenever i have asked for help, now i don't bother asking anymore. My final snap was when my sister told me she has a life and can;t bother with this. In these 4 years none of them have had a single day or even an hours time to take over and give me a break. I left my job, relationship, friends and basically every other aspect of my life to cope with the situation at home. I am the caregiver, maid, cook, entertainer even to my siblings when they care to visit. We are currently living off my parents pension that just manages to pay the bills at home, that's excluding food. Thankfully my mom gets state medical help, that means longer hours of waiting for her in her wheelchair to hospital appointments. My father is frail and has little energy to help. My siblings accuse me of all sorts of things, picking fights so they have excuses not to visit for long periods of time. When they do visit its on occasions or they pop in for 15 - 20 mins every month or so. They team up discussing how bad i am, i hear sum of their stories from their kids. It actually hurts being nice to them when they visit, but i have to for my parents sake. I think i am on the brink of burnout or breakdown, ive been reaching out to God for help all this time and it has kept me strong for a long time, but now the stress keeps increasing, i feel lonely, unloved, and unappreciated. My condition is not good for my mum, and i feel like i cannot manage alone anymore,she needs more now and i have less to give.. what should i do?

I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry to hear that. It's hard to deal with siblings that always come up with excuses just to avoid the responsibility of taking care of an aging parent. I know where your anger is coming from but this won't change a thing and it's best to change your approach in reaching out to your siblings. There are other ways that you can reach out to your siblings which can make them more cooperative in taking care of your mom. I hope these tips can help you persuade your brothers or sisters to lend you a helping hand in caregiving duties.

Your story hit so close to home it brought tears to my soul..

We were blessed to be able to buy a small home, gave Mom the suite and promised to not put her in a nursing home but instead have home health care. At the time we didn't know what that would cost or that Mom had this disease Girlfriend's sister and brother don't call often enough and don't send her cards for her birthday. Sad. Funny sister said "I'm the executer on Moms will. She doesn't know Mom changed it to Girlfriend along with POAs. I always end up doing the footwork...My family is mad at me for not taking care of my Mom 2 states away (in their eyes I'm single). I always tell them if she moves here I will care for her too. But, she is married and doing O.K. so far. I cannot leave Girlfriend's Mom hanging - she was good to me back in the day and I love her but wow, what a trap. One day at a time and I stopped being unrealistic about having a social life outside the front door. This is it. Good luck all with your siblings.

Good for you catsx!! Me I did not choose to look after mum I was here recovering from an accident after living abroad last year my brother and 2 sisters told my mum to kick me out as they were SICK of my bad moods and DIDNT VISIT BECAUSE OF ME????(great excuse) youre too right I was in bad moods I was SCREAMING about the MAD things my mum was doing and they said "well why are YOU getting into a state?" mum of course told them that she was stressed because of me and that I was a bully BUT the truth was that im here being abused and made to feel like a paid help ive spent the last four years trying to get my mum help and finally I have realised that my mum has dementia BUT my family refuse to beleive it? Ive cut my ties with them as there is no point I was so full of hate it was eating me up I will do what I think is best for my mum and wont even discuss it with them if they disagree with my solution then I WILL walk away looking after mum is tough but no help or support from my family is destroying me if family dont want to help then its because they dont care and its that simple! my mums geriatrcian said "its dosnt matter where your family are or how far away they are they can help,FINANCIALLY or EMOTIONALLY and thats very true. Like emjo my sisters and brother dont just not help they cause trouble and ive been close to the edge after the way theyve treated me. they tell my mum that SHE is not here because she wants to be????? true BUT i am here and while im here im the one keeping my mum alive and well and getting her the help that I can! HUGS to all who do this job and rasberrys to the other siblings who THINK? they understand!xx

I totally agree with macada! Some of us caregivers did not "choose" to be the caregiver. At least for me it wasn't like a heavenly angel dressed in brilliant white tapped me on the shoulder and said in a booming voice(or a whisper) "you have been chosen to(on a good day) coax your mom to eat and(on a bad day) clean your mom's toilet or vomit." And before I get pegged by some, I have a need for humor today. If I can't walk by a starving or injured animal without trying to do something....much less could I do it for my own mother. Simply put I have empathy and compassion. Sentiments that obviously are not part of my siblings make up. And I do resent those that feel that I should have an endless wealth of energy and stamina or that no matter what personal family problems I have, that I should ALWAYS have a smile on my lips and a song in my heart!! True life does not work that way. So yes, I am not forgiving of my siblings. But, some days l don't even have the time or luxury of being able to be mad at them. There!! I have said my piece. For good or bad, thanks for listening.!!!

Kathy1 thanks! It's appreciated.

assandache7 I have offended you and it was never my intention. Trust me I have an idea of what your going through. I take care of a 91 year old with Parkinson's. I am retired, which helps a lot. Frankly i don't know how people with children and jobs do it. I do know that I feel you are unspoken heroes. I have only admiration for how you cope and your values and courage.

Kathyt1 I believe everyone on here took on care giving with good intentions! But had no clue about how many "disruptions" it would include.

My Mom's been with us for 12yrs! When she first moved in she was without dementia. My children were in grade school. Since then they graduated from College and have student loans galore. I don't, know about you but most of us have to work outside of the home. If we are not it is a financial burden having our parents with us 24/7. Now that my Mom is 91 with dementia I can not work and trying to pay their loans, mortgage,etc is another burden.


You have no idea what we all have to endure by having our parents with us, especially without sibling support.

@kathyt1 - circumstances vary. With my help my mother placed herself in assisted living a few year ago aged about 97. It was her choice. Good thing as I could never look after her Until that time she had been in an apartment for about 15 years. The last year she was there we hired a senior "nanny" to help her stay there, but she drove that person away in less than a year. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and is very narcissistic, as are many other parents on this site. I was in my early 70s at the time. She was and is an abusive parent. For any one who has experienced abuse as a child it is not wise for them to take their parent in, as it triggers off too much pain. Someone made the comment about "warehousing" a parent. - was it you? The ALF mother is in has many advantages that living in anyone's home does not have. She has a lovely 2 bedroom apartment, people to socialize with and activities to join should she want to, a large mall complex her building is attached to so she can go there winter and summer without going outside, nursing aides available 24/7 and so on. I don't call this warehousing. She could live the life of Riley there if she was not an unhappy person. She complains about everything and everyone. No matter where she is or has been all her life she has been unhappy and angry at life. She has good health, even at 101 yrs of age. I have POA and Personal Directive and at times wonder if I can continue with these due to the stress and its effect on my health.. My sis is no help at all, in fact causes trouble. I have tried to make a decent relationship with my mother all my life with no success because of her mental illness. You get the picture - there is no cookie cutter answer.

Old codger2 Sometimes you must place your loved one in a nursing home or assisted living. They need more care than one person can give. You have given it your all; you have nothing left. When the time comes to place her in a nursing home be at peace. I just feel placing a reasonable healthy elder in assisted living because you don't want disruption in your routine is bad karma. At least try to make it work.