My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

I don't think there is any other choice for me, I stay with my mom and look after everything for her over the past 10 years. She wasn't educated and can't read, half deaf, had both knee replacement and can't move very well, Dad died so she's all alone by herself. I can't leave her on her own.
Where are my brothers and sisters? They said they all have kids and their family and don't have the time for mom. I feel so angry and so sad. Really? No time? Isn't she their mom? isn't she their family is well?
Over the years I've lost all the hope that they will help. I've decided I'll take care of mom on my own till the end of her days. Those so call brothers and sisters they can stay with their family. They're not mine family anymore. I'll have nothing to do with them, and this decision give me peace, I don't have to think about them anymore, no expectation, no disappointment.

Wow Nohelp4me
Your sister suggesting your Mom should be equidistant from both of you, four hrs from each you?!?!?! That is the kind of head up the a## logic my 3 siblings often suggest. They said they don't come visit because I moved our Mom too far from them and it is my fault. She was in her home for 2 yrs after our Dad died and 3 brothers and their wives and children and grandchildren did NOTHING. I lived the furthest away yet visited the most and saw she needed help so hired caretakers and managed her caretakers from afar. I asked their help and they claimed she needed no help yet she lost 17 lbs in the yr since my father passed. Even caregivers and friends said, she should not be alone and needs more care. So I built a small addition on my home and used some of her money. I have cared for her FULLTIME for 3 yrs and they claim since I used some of her money for the addition, I owe it back to them when she dies?!?!?!? I said, what about all the time and money I have spent being her full time caregiver...they said, that was my choice!
I said, do you know the COST of having her in a nursing home for 3 yrs in a dementia care unit? All of a sudden they were clueless. They claim there are great places she could be for very little money so I said, go to it, research them, move her there and manage her life there, I had no problem with that....all of sudden, no replies and no takers, just silence.

I agree with many here who say, No, this was NOT a choice. Does one let their ill, demented parent who is suddenly alone, depressed and not able to care for themselves at all stay in their home and suffer, get scammed by telemarketers and not be taken care of by anyone. I had no choice but to move my Mom in with me as she refused to move to assisted living. I could no longer do the 4 hr drive to her home due to my own health. I was born with a conscience and with morals. My parents cared for me when I was Ill. Why would I, or my siblings abandon her when she is ill?

I honestly don't know how my brothers can look at themselves in the mirror in the morning. Two of them don't even call on her birthday or holidays!?!?! Are they truly to busy for that? They are just too guilt ridden because they know they do nothing and they don't know what to say her. They know she may ask, why don't you come visit me or call me? What answer could they possibly have?

Sometimes a nursing home is the wise choice. Why feel guilty about it?

herbalizer77, with all due respect your situation is not the norm on here. Most of caregivers on here were raised exactly the same as their siblings. The bottom line is the siblings are self absorbed and don't give a s**t.

Carla, you hit the nail on the head. I love people who say "well just walk away" or "put them in a NH". You're 100% right, besides the moral obligation there are legal ones.

There was a man in FL who took care of his dad who had Alzheimers, a friend invited them to the beach to get them out of the house, the father soiled himself and the son took him into the water to clean him up and he got combative, he later died and the son was facing murder charges, thankfully they were dropped. But it is scary.

You're also right that it is unrealistic to try and keep the same relationship you had before you became a caregiver and they're now the do nothing sibling. What happens in most cases once the parent/parents have passed there is no contact. And why should there be? People who abandon you when you need them the most aren't worth knowing.

P.S. My siblings all said they wouldn't stop their lives because they have money to make they are still young. While they are making their millions and saving their riches here on earth I'll be storing my riches in heaven where we will be for eternal!! Life on earth is only for a short while!!!!!

I'm grateful for this forum no one understands quite like the person who's living it!! I, too have siblings who have nothing to do with the caregiving of our parents. For a long time did so many things to get their help any which way I could but to no success like most. No visits for over 3 years from none of them even went as far as bashing my name saying I was the reason they couldn't visit because I locked doors , hung the phone on them and things like that and I became very resentful, full of hate and all the bad things I could possibly feel. And I started getting sick, gaining stress weight, hurting myself so to speak until one day I just prayed for all of them. Asked God to forgive them and since then feel happier as a person. I am like most, not asked to be their caregiver but was unable to just let it go. No one stepped up to the plate but me. They have called social services on me, dragged my name thru the mud, denied me the credit I deserved for taking care of our parents . But for me it's ok even tho I struggle with my dementia mother aggressive and sometimes abusive because I'm saving for my blessings in heaven and I know we are All going to get old one day and need our children's help at one point or another and they are just teaching their children what to do to them!! Turn the other cheek. And I've always known " you reap what you sew". I know God has a bigger plan for All of Us. Caregiving is selfless act and it reaps many rewards we just have to be patient!!

Amen CarlaCB!!!'

Somebody said above that the way to preserve relationships with uninvolved siblings is to deliberately exclude anything about the parent from entering the conversation and basically try to have the same relationship with them that you had before you started taking care of your parent. I think that's an interesting perspective, but it seems to me totally unrealistic. What I need my siblings for, at this time in my life, is support around my issues taking care of my mother. If they can't/won't do that (and most of them won't) I have absolutely no use for them. I think it's outrageous of them to expect the same support from me as I gave them in the past if they're not willing to give me the support I need right now, especially involving their parent. My one sister wanted to keep bringing me her poetry to read - we bonded a lot about poetry and music in my pre-caregiving days. I don't even respond to it anymore. I can't afford to give her my attention and get nothing back.

I have one sister who does help with Mom, not as much as I would like because Sis has health problems of her own which frequently incapacitate her. Not only does she help, but she lets me vent and supports me in my feelings about Mom and about our other siblings. In return, I support her in everything she does, and when she's sick, I take care of both her and Mom. I don't need to talk about Mom all the time, but I need to know I can get support when I need it. If my siblings can't do that much for me, I have no use for them, and I don't think I'll feel any differently after Mom has passed.

That's an interesting way to say it, Carla. "My siblings stay away because they know I'm doing it. But I don't have the same freedom, because if I walk away, there will be nobody to do it.." And I like your analysis. I would add to it, the fact that the needs expand as time goes on, and they change. So at one point, if you've been doing the care, you are the only one who is familiar with the lessons learned so far, so that's another reason that those of us who are involved, stay involved. I think our difficulty is that we don't really seek help (a pastor? an elder services coordinator? a mediator?) who would help us present the situation and even have a conversation. We fall victim to the way we do our job - we know lots of details, and we care, for we have seen the positive impact of our caring. Later in family conversations, we get pretty upset when siblings not so aware, act as if we know or do very little, or nothing that someone else could not jump in and do. I found that I was surprised by their distant attitude and my surprise left me jumping in emotionally to no avail. One time, it was fascinating - I was out in Western Canada, in a once in a lifetime visit to one of my older brothers who is not really involved in any family decisions - his choice. But his second wife is a psychologist, and when I found on my messages, that my disabled brother had fallen and was in the hospital, I had no idea what to do. "Call your brothers," my sister in law said. "You don't understand, they have never agreed to help", I told her. "Well, they just have to. You are here on vacation, and you can't do it, so tell them what happened and that they have to help out." Astonished, I went along with the idea, I think she backed me by taking the phone - and my younger brother took all the hospital phone numbers and was actually glad to be able to get involved. Of course, he had some things mixed up - like the name of the great helper, Louise, mixed up with the neglectful one, Lois..... but he did call and check on the disabled one, and of course the hospital was watching over him, so I just relaxed, and laughed, since I thought it could not be done! Short and sweet, and direct, and immediate. It worked, and I learned something about how my plaintive tirades don't work so well. We HAVE to present a clear, organized plan!! Then shut up and leave, with the need for a response in their court. Can always change gears later, or get mad and get someone else involved.

I've been pondering this issue of personal choice for a long time, and I don't think it's simple at all. In the extreme situation, where the elderly person is bedridden or unable to provide for their basic needs, a caregiver faces criminal liability if he or she just walks away, at least in my state of residence. The liability doesn't attach to the family members who stay away from the get-go - only to the person who attempts to care for the invalid and then attempts to stop. I've read the court cases - it's pretty scary. Sons and daughters have actually gone to jail in my state for elder neglect, which is considered abuse.

In cases where the elder's needs are less dire, it's still hard to say what's chosen and what's imposed by circumstances. I chose to help out my mother - BUT, I didn't choose to do it all, all by myself, however much help my mother might need for however long she might need it. However, the less my siblings are willing to help, the more responsibility falls on me, and the harder it is to limit my role, let alone extricate myself from it. When the parent needs something, he or she is always going to reach out to the person that's available, the one that's helped them before. The more my siblings step back, the more my mother looks to me for whatever she needs. Legally, I could probably walk away, since my mother is not at the point where she needs help for her very survival. But realistically, someone has to help her. She needs help for doctors' appointments, shopping, errands, home maintenance, all kinds of things. My siblings can stay away because they know I'm here doing it. But I don't have the same freedom, because if I walk away there will be nobody to do it. We can't all walk away unless we figure out some other plan for her. Unfortunately, nobody wants to cooperate in doing that, either. Their choices have made my choice much more difficult, whereas my choice has made theirs much easier.

Dear Nohelp4me! Good for you for making an attempt to reach out and speak your heart - and I recognise the syndrome in the response - my older brothers gave me the same story, when I finally began to demand their help, after I broke up w my boyfriend and was then alone with the job I had chosen, to help my disabled brother navigate his adult life without disaster. "It was your choice!" my older brother said. "I wouldn't have done it, I don't know why you did. You have no right to expect anything from family - expectations are wrong. If you ASK nicely, we will consider.... Grrrrr. Like your sister, this brother would have delegated care to whoever would do it.

I spent a number of years having nothing to do with him or the other brothers - they were in a time warp, made of their own distance from the evolving issues. I did figure out however, since I knew I needed some family help - how to choose my OWN time to approach him, first on issues where I could respect his knowledge - in real estate, so I asked him my real estate questions as I rent rooms. Over it seems like 10 years, there were periodic conversations, and I accepted the idea that my demands would be rebuffed, but I tried to stay in some contact, in positive ways. Eventually, another brother suggested a monthly stipend for me, and that older brother did visit one Xmas, and I feel more fortunate than many here, for I'm glad of the contact we have had, even if the idea of expectations made him go through the roof!

I am like so many of you here. My sister is incredibly selfish. She and my mother do not get along so I am stuck with the brunt of it. When my husband and I finally settled down after moving every two years, Mom said she wanted to live near us. She said she would never live near my sister, and my sister made it painfully clear over and over that Mom could never live with her or near her. Their stupid relationship has been ongoing for over 40 years! My mom continues to be heartbroken that her other daughter has no care in the world for her. When Mom's dementia progressed last year, I had to make the difficult decision to move my mom into assisted living and then to full nursing care after only 3 months. The nightly phone calls from mom at 2, 3, and 4 in the morning have been wearing me out. I asked my sister repeatedly for some moral support and to accompany me just once to meet with the staff at the nursing home. She lives about 8 hours from me, but she could be here in an hour by plane. Her excuses for not helping me were either because she had to take her dogs to a dog show or she could not get off work. She is a senior executive for a large fortune 500 firm so I find it hard to believe she could not take two to three days off for family issues. She apparently has no guilt because she sends a birthday card to me every year and a thoughtless gift that she orders from Amazon every Christmas. I finally had enough and wrote her an email last week telling her that we needed to stop the charade and treat each other as sisters with the compassion, honesty, and the give and take that that all entails. Her response was incredible. She said that having mom close to me was my choice and that it would have been better to put mom in an place that was equidistance to both of us. Really???? Four hours away from either of us. All the times that I had to go to meetings at the facility because of my mom's crazy behavior, wandering, illnesses would have been even more stressful since they would have involved additional travel time and hotels. Plus mom would have been in a completely foreign place in the middle of nowhere. Bottom line -- I am done with her. Never once in the past 10 years has my sister even asked about mom's welfare or even offered to let me vent. I have blocked her phone and email so I hope to never hear from her again. I gave her the opportunity to start some real communication, but she just crapped all over me. She actually came out and told me that it was my choice to take care of mom in her later years. What a cold hearted witch. I hope karma is real and that she rots in h*ll.

Here's what it is like from the other side. I have two other sisters--one older and one younger. I was treated like crap by both sisters and my parents all my life. I was always made to feel like an outsider looking in on their cozy little 4 some. There was always this undercurrent of "they-know-something-I-don't-know beaming out of them and at me. They were never hit, but I was beat with boards, brooms and belts. I'd go to school with bruises on my legs and back. When I got married and had children, their disdain of me sadly fell onto my children as well. It's like they were considered three clones of me. I finally moved away to another state since nothing I said ever made a difference or allowed me to be accepted. The physical abuse stopped when I left home right after graduating but the emotional and mental abuse never stopped. After 14 years, we moved back closer and it was somewhat improved. My dad died before we had moved back and my first thought, sadly, was "Now he can't hurt me anymore". I then tried to have some sort of relationship with my sisters and mother but it takes two and those three were not interested. When I did try to help out my oldest sister with our Mom, I was informed by my Mom my help was not needed or wanted and only my two sisters were 'allowed' to take care of her, plus their family members. Another time when my youngest sister and my oldest sister's husband were talking in front of me about who should go help Mom with something, I stupidly volunteered. They both turned, smiled condescendingly and said no, and my oldest sister's daughter was selected to help. I was made to feel I'm not good enough or 'privileged' or trusted to do anything, so I finally gave up after 5 years of trying and we have since moved permanently far far away. After years of counseling and finding out it was THEM not ME that was wrong, that I was a classic case of an abused child, and that they were toxic with no desire to have a healthy relationship with me, well it was a relief to find that out. I sleep very well at night now that I can accept and realize I am not wanted, have never been wanted and my assistance is not wanted. I can't change them, but I can change me to accept what can't be changed and to go on with my life. We should never be quick to judge why children won't help their aged family members or why they won't help the 'favored siblings' with the care. There COULD be a very good reason why they don't.

You survive by taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes, just trying to get through it for the best benefit of your family member. You more than likely will have many holidays to come, your family member maybe not so much. Stop worrying about others and make the holidays everything you want them to be. That is what we have done and that has what worked for us. Just my opinion.

Siblings and sisters-in-law can make this whole difficult process even more difficult. My siblings not only never say thank you, they don't offer to help with anything (visiting, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.). Not even the thanksgiving spirit can change their ugly ways as the sister-in-law invited all siblings to their house except me. What does my brother do, nothing. How do people survive the holiday season with siblings that are so thoughtless and uninvolved in their parents caregiving.

Katie, I agree you need to see an elder attorney ASAP.

What I find really amazing is how the do nothing siblings twist things. My brother(who I no longer speak to) actually said to me on the phone that my parents took me in.....LMAO!!!!!

Took me in? I had to move across the country, end up leaving my job, and took care of them for over 5 yrs. I loved my parents but HATED where they lived (Florida) and I left and went back home after dad passed....but took me in, the frigging nerve.

Not once did I ever hear a thank you from him, or a how can I help, or would you like a week off and I will take over....nothing.

It was like telling a Jewish person that the Holocaust didn't happen.

He lies to himself to justify his do nothing behavior. Thankfully other family members know what really happened.

Both of my Parents live with me and I get no help from my sibling or anyone else. I love them, but I hate my life right now!!!

Katie, get thee to an eldercare attorney pronto before your money-hungry sister succeeds in getting more than the hold on the retirement account. She sounds ultra-entitled and like she would stop at nothing to get more of mom's money for herself.

My briesrother lives out of state and even when we did live in the same state he did shit. My sister is a money hungry #####! she never does anything and soon as she heard about the trust fund after my dad died she came around just once a week to see my mom never bought food never did her laundry never took her to her doctors appts never took her to buy clothes or accessories. My mom has alzheimers and she cannot be bothered and now she is telling my mother to put a restraning ordering on me so I don't keep giving her medicine and does not want to put her in a nursing home because she wants the money plus she does not help pay her bills or take care of her car just uses it when she wants to and does not even put gas in it and she also put a hold on one of her retirement accounts so she does not have access to it. she does not clean her house or nothing just waiting for her to die so she can collect the cash. she is a drug addict.what a lovely daughter.

Paula, I really think they have no shame or conscience, they conjure up some explanation in their minds that they are right. They believe their own excuses, I have heard them all. Funny thing us my siblings will never know what I really go through because they will never have to do it. You're right about my dairy, they would probably laugh and think I made up most of it. I just wish they could walk in my shoes for one week. Shame in your siblings especially the ones in the medical field. They should know better.

I know, they try to make you feel like are crazy, right? I have accidently given my terrible siblings 'ammo' by trying to let them know what it takes to care for our parents. All of the sudden I exaggerate and make up things. They even left me alone to care for Mom & Dad (both Alzh, mom in wheelchr) when Dad had to be hospitalized for menningitis and rehab...6 weeks of no sleep for me, but I was accused of making dad dehydrated and trying to poison him with my dog's medicine just so that I will feel needed. There are 7 of these horrible sibling all with daughter in laws & kids, but no one comes. All of them are physicians or married to one. I know that I just see their shame and hte worse they treat me, the worse they must feel about their decision not to get involved.

Thank you Paula, I feel understood on this site. I may never give my siblings the diary, but I do feel better typing everything that bothers me down and this way I don't forget circumstances that happen.

Hang in there Sallie. For me, a list like that would make me feel too much of what I already know. I bet those who read it will laugh for years at your exaggeration, your whineyness, your pettiness.....and more judgements that let you know they do not get it. AND THEY DO NOT WANT TO. I hope they won't hurt you even more than they have if you keep up with the list.
WE are the people that are impressed with you.
WE get it. And we do not need a list to know what your devotion looks like. You are not alone and your siblings will get theirs.

I have kept a diary in my computer of all the things I have done for my mother in the 4 years I've been caring for her. I have also written how much my one sibling ( the only one who "helps" ) has done. She sees my mom about every 3 months to take her to her lung doctor and out to lunch. I've written down all the excuses and put in articles from this site. It's 15 pages long now and I don't know how long it will be in the end, but I'm going to give a copy to my siblings after my mom passes. They may chose not to read it, but it gets some of the craziness off my chest just writing it all down.

I've often wondered what happened to all 3 of my older brothers as well. After dad passed 18 months ago, they pretty much dipped. Prior to me arriving here they would see the parent's every 3 weeks or so, dad was dying of kidney caner (they live 15miles away) once I got here they put on a "show".... an awkward show of so called help for me, which consisted of them all coming over and me cooking. Dad passed 6 months later, I nixed cooking those big meals One brother would bring his "newest" girlfriend over HERE to eat in an attempt to impress her. Nixed that one too. I had a leaky toilet and was pulling it myself and putting a wax ring on it... they stopped by and OH BOY you should have seen the chivalry... nixed that too. I am here taking care of OUR mother, not to be their cook or entertainment. I ask nothing of them aside from occasionally stopping by with some love to give her. Is that too much to ask? They do not have to like me, I could care less, but I think they us ME as an excuse not to see their mother. Even though I am not to particular about them I put on a smile for my mother's sake, did it for my father's sake as well so he could pass without worrying. Heck, I could meet them at the door and leave for all that matters. I agree. No excuses, none, zilch and nada!

Oh, also heard the " I chose". My dad asked me...it was not that kind of a choice.

After reflecting on this a very long time, I don't think my brothers have an empathetic loving bone in their bodies. Never had never will. One more thing. I find this easier on my own anyway without their drivel... strangers and my caregiver help are more than they have ever been.

Kathy, I've been told by two siblings that " I chose" to care for my mom. I think it gives their guilty minds some rationalization.

I also am amazed when a sibling says you "chose" to take care of a loved one! So if they had not...what would have happened to that loved one? And there are times when that loved one deteriorates to such an extent that what was once doable by one now is overwhelming....did they choose that? There is that old adage...one parent can take care of 10 kids but 10 kids can't take care of one parent. Sad but true!

That's right momgirls12, no passes. There is NO EXCUSE if you had decent parents to not offer some help.

I think that the word caregiving is often misused when all one is asking is that their sibling give them a break by spending some time with their aging parent.

Many of life's decisions are complicated. As caregivers we can be deeply satisfied when a little pain or difficulty for the parent is relieved or maybe just enduring the trouble with them is their balm. We know they would be terrified to see us go.
This is what devotion looks like.
It is rich but the challenges of it leave few safe places to vent and feel that someone gets it. The number of hits on this blog are evidence enough, we need a safe place to relieve our pains and sorrows, too.