My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Follow
Share

I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.

555

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
its 5 yrs since u posted.
Im in same boat. I had a top job while my sister was not working for several yrs. She was staying at my mums house. As my mum alz was declining she refused to assist. I hired helpers but she would bully and boss them around and sometimes fire them. One day my mum called me in office and told me sister left to airport and shes alone. i asked where helper was. she said sister fired her weeks ago. i was forced to quit my job. Im my mum care giver for 6 yrs in her home, while my sister galvants on vacation to europe. she shows up without warning then leaves with a few hours notice. im soooo disgusted by her BS. My life is hell, my extended family stopped calling few yrs back because wen they invited me to a event party i told them it was too dificult with my mum in wheelchair, since then everyone has turned their backs. if i try to call them, its an answer machine and sometimes its a call back 3 weeks later type thing. im so upset that i have gone thru life giving, attending, supporting and caring for my siblings and extended family and now that im desperate for help no one gives a damn.
i just dont understand my family.
(3)
Report

I have an elderly neighbor who has Parkinson's. She is 85 and her three sons are in their late 50's to 60. One son who has not worked and lives close by, in fact for free in a home that is her's, has the job of caring for his mother. One of the brothers lives thousands of miles away and the other about 100 miles away. Both work. Both are responsible to their jobs, their bosses etc and cannot just take off anytime to care for their mother. The oldest son who cares for her is very bitter. The history is that she has always done for her children. She's helped them buy their homes, bailed them out of problems etc. Oldest son does not see that what she has done for him is anywhere near what she has done for his brothers. He expects to receive the property he is living in and the other house on the property for his inheritance. The other brothers don't believe that is fair. In my friend's heart she wants to take care of the oldest son (bum), because he has no income, no social security, no retirement and the other two do. What a dilemma. Her heart loves them all and wants to still take care of them all. A mother's heart always wants to care for her children. They quarrel and get quite ugly around her when they are together. She cries about them. She worries that they will hate each other and not have anything to do with one another when she passes. Which is probably true. I try to console her and tell her she can't worry about that. She is pretty frail and has trouble talking. Oldest son is so negative and accusatory. Even about her and to her. He helped when his dad was dying and when her second husband was dying, but she was able to do a lot more then and he didn't have to do much. Now he is confined to her home to be there with her. For sure he needs a break and the youngest is coming for a stay so he can. Even still it's never enough. He's a very negative person. His entire family seem to almost walk on eggshells because of him. Yes, maybe the brothers could do more, but he also needs to be more understanding of their obligations and that he doesn't work and his mother feeds him and houses him. Such a quagmire.
(0)
Report

Im so sorry for what you guys are going through. I just started taking care of my mom along with her granddaughter whom she raised and had better sense and im hurt that many family members whom she took care of, open her doors and home for, fed them, raised them are now not offering even when i asked not helping. My brother who lives not far from my mom the one who told me and has always told me we need to take mom to your house or mine to live when she was not so ill, is now making all these excuses not to care for her. I have a family and have been leaving my daughter with her brother to go over and sleep over my moms cause she doesnt want to leave her house and i have a full time job. I heard of family behaving like this but said no not my family, and here i am in the same boat. Im so hurt. But i can rest assure when my mom passes my conscience will be clear, but theirs wont. I found this program called freedomcare where family members or friend can take care of family and get paid for it, so her granddaughter can get paid for it. I feel so bad in my heart that she stays some nights and very grateful for that even though she expressed to me that she feels children and not any other members of the family should care for their ill parents. And in one part i know shes right but her brother n sister have smooched off my mother for years and her brother still lives at my moms and offers no help or money. I feel that all family should help especially her children of course and the ones that she took care off like her grandchildren whom by the way dont work and have been and still are smooching off her. Just needed to vent. Thank you in advance for your opinions or advice.
(0)
Report

This is a personal choice you have taken upon yourself as a good daughter, but you cant hold others to your same "MORAL VIRTUES" its obvious that they don't have or didn't have the same relationship you had with your mother. I'm in the same boat as you Its been four years I've been taking care of a fully disabled Mother, I had to give up my business my wife passed two years ago and i was going to travel the world when I got a call to come home Mom was sick i was in Spain, I flew home been here ever seance.
(0)
Report

I am the youngest of 5. I grew up adoring my siblings. After seeing how they ignore my Mom, even on her birthday and The holidays, I have lost all respect for them. It hurts her feelings and I'm tired of making excuses for them to her. I always knew I would be Mom's caregiver and I am greatful I can help her. I just can't seem to let this go, being so disappointed with these selfish people.
(6)
Report

I am so happy that i have found this forum, i dont feel so alone now. about 10 years ago my parents were no longer able to live on their own, I moved myself, my husband and our 3 kids into their home ( the home i grew up in also ) at that time my husband and i loved the home so we purchased it from my mom and dad. my brother made sure it was appraised and that real estate agents and the appraiser gave the same same market value of the home. I bought it for the full market value, my mom then gave us each our piece of the pie. I was the caregeiver for my parents for the last 10 years, my mom went to dialysis every other day and had trouble walking, my dad had early on set dementia. We made it work with the help of in home nurses, my husband was a god sent. 2 of my brothers live in a different province then us so it was hard for them to visit but they called ofent also financially they are in no position to help out. My parents got their pensions and helped out as much as they could, i took care of all the cooking cleaning etc............my one brother however literally lives 10 house doen the same street as us. over the years as my prents conditions worsened his visits and phone call diminished. I found my self arguing with him and his wife about the fact that they do not visit and it makes my mom feel horrible. the last 2 years my moms condition was really bad and my dads dementia got worse. I work a full time job as does my husband and we have 3 kids between the ages of 10 - 15 years old ( now ) to raise. My stress level was high. my mom got teminally ill back in January of this year and was in hospital until she passed away on February 10, i took a leave of absence from work so I could be with her for as many hours as possible during her final weeks. my husband would spend as much time at the hospital with me as he could, helping me move my mom and just keeping us company. My 2 brothers got on the first flight possible to come home and spend time with mom ( it took them about a week to get here ) during this i had at home my 3 kiods and my dad who needed some help with dinners each day. I knew my brother that lives near by emotinally could not handle spending much time with my mom, i asked him for help with our dad and my kids, just making some dinner for them. He said he couldnt help out he was to busy. i made it all work out with the help of some good friends and my neices and nephew. my passed away. As soon as my other 2 brothers arrived they really chipped in with taking turn doing the night shift with my mom at the hospital and cooking meals at my house and caring for my dad. my mom passed away. our family come together at my house the day it happened all of us except the brother that lives down the street. i planned the entire funeral, i paid for the entire funeral, i asked him for some help finacially ( he is well off ) and his wife said she would take to him about ti but she was sure he would help, he did not help at all, i paid for the floral arrangements from his family and for the car that would be driving his family as this is all provided by the funeral home and the cost is all combined, he did not even offer to pay men back for these items. to make a long story short i havent seen him since the day my mom passed away ( almost 2 months ago ) He has a horrible relationship with my dad ( as all of us children do ) so he will not stop by to see him ever. i am still caring for my dad. i find myself filled with hatered and resentment towards him, i need advise on how to get over this.
(2)
Report

I'm sorry Auntiedodo...get this my 50 something ( I've gone no conntact) older brother lived with my mother for 28 yrs, she raised his 2 children that he takes credit for...kept a job maybe 6 mos then out of work for 2yrs...rinse repeat...mom would have me take her to her drs apps and he was upstairs asleep...she would get angry at me...you know because I breathe air and proceed to tell everyone who would listen that I did nothing for her...never came to see her and was a horrible child...he once screamed at her for spending "his" inheritance when she purchased new windows the house desperately needed...she's leaving him the house because I have one and she onced loaned me money that I paid back twice 5 times over not to mention the thousands upon thousands I have loaned her that she conveniently had forgotten about because family doesn't screw over each other...and nothing was written on paper...I swear I am not making this up...it gets worse but I won't bore you all...just venting... ;)
(4)
Report

Kimber166 - I applied for Medicaid before she was discharged and they denied long-term care because she has not been admitted to the nursing home for at least 30 days.

I’m afraid that now mom has a place to live, Medicaid will not approve a nursing home without another health event.
(0)
Report

Princessblue - apply for Medicaid for your mom - get her into a nursing home & then go travel.
(2)
Report

I had to move to the same city as my mother seven years ago after her husband died. She was reasonably healthy then and still driving, but once she had an accident it was clear she needed to stop driving. Sold the car.

I started visiting once a week to take her to lunch, but her health started declining and it turned into twice a week and then three times. I did all her grocery shopping, laundry, and meal preparation on the days I visited. Plus, during the summer, I was mowing and maintaining her 1 acre property. All by myself and while I was working full time. I have two brothers who live within 150 miles and they never once offered to help. It was always one excuse after another - and the one brother calls my mom no fewer than 3 times a day - every day. The other brother is useless.

I am since retired and newly married, but mom was dumped in my lap - with nobody asking me if it was ok - after several falls over a couple of weeks. Took her to ER by ambulance because my husband and I could not get her up from the floor. Got the hospital to admit her and she went to rehab.

I was hopeful that this would be the event that could keep her in the nursing home, but they released her after 17 days because that’s all Medicare would pay for. She was in no way ready to go home. So I had no choice than to bring her home with me.

She’s been here two months and gets PT twice a week, but she has the beginning stages of dementia and so there is that now.

There is always excuses from my brothers and it’s months between times that I can take my mom up to leave her for a visit - just to give me a break. Because of a government program he is in, he is not allowed to have anyone stay with him for more than a week at a time. We used to be very close, but I am finding that I am extremely resentful that this has all been thrown in my lap.

My new husband and I had planned on doing some traveling after he retired in September 2017, but all of this started in November and now we can’t go anywhere or plan anything together.

It isn’t fair and I’m damned mad about it!!!
(3)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
Related
Questions