I'm beginning to think that siblings that do not visit their elderly parents (if they live in the area and have the time) are dysfunctional.

We cannot be responsible for other people"s actions-only our own. I, too, have siblings: however, my mother lives with me and they do nothing. Only one sister visits and she makes sure that she doen"t come before 6:00 P.M. Even then offers to do nothing. It has been almost two years. I found myslf being very angry and resentful. I did not like feeling this way (even though I've been told that this is only natural). I realize that the only person I"m hurting is myself. My sisters and brother are going about their business enjoying life. All day long I am asking for God's help to not let this turn me into the kind of person that I will not like. I am sure that once my mother is not with us there will be no contact at all between us. At this point I'm just trying to take it day by day. This is sad: however, I can understand why she has no visitors. Noone comes to see her but the one sister- no church members, no other relatives-noone. What can we do but find enough strength and love in our hearts to do what noone else wants to do. In my heart (even though it"s rough) I know that I am doing what is pleasing in God"s sight. Even though we don"t know each other personally,we share a common thread. I will pray for all caretakers. We need it.

Veronimck4, it has been 2 years for me as well. Sending you tons of hugs and prayers! It is only through God's grace and His strength that I get through each day.

You have to let go of those feelings for your sibs. It is certainly not affecting them in any way and only hurting you (probably more than you realize)! I hope you have someone helping out during the week so you can enjoy some "me" time.

Forgot to mention, you might contact your Mom's church and ask for a minister to visit. Some churches have groups that visit shut-ins and even bring communion on Sunday. Best of luck!

I have cared for my mom for six years. She moved with her boyfriend closer to my bro and sis and me. However, they expect me to do all of it. They rarely call, rarely visit hardly have anything to do with her. I would call every other day and go over every week/every other week. I have a mental disability and my siblings don't care. I had to walk away and tell my sibs to take over I couldn't do it anymore and protect my mental health and physical health. The payback I get for having taken care of my mom so long gets me where my bro will not let me talk to or see my mom. Punishing me, sort of, punishing my mom, greatly. I have nothing to do with my family anymore. They're written off. I have tried everything under the sun to make contact to no avail. I pray to God that He kiss my mom at night and remind her how much I love her. My family won't talk to me as punishment also.

Looking for someone to shed some light on my personal situation
Our Mom is a month away from being 88.
She has no major health problems.
She has some dementia, sundowners, repeats herself often excessively, displays short term memory symptoms.
Normal and regular back pain and arthritis issues, but is mobile, and can dress and feed herself. Cooking is a bit tricky.
She has been evaluated as a fall risk, and is somewhat unsteady.
She refuses to use a walker, cane, or wheelchair (for longer distances).
Mostly sits and watches TV - sedentary – she enjoys going for rides, but doesn’t like getting out of the car.
A bit of a “sad-sack”, “woe with me”, but often laughs hardily, with her children.
Answers and dials the phone with some difficulty but can communicate OK for the most part.
She lives alone in her home of 88 years, and is surrounded by very familiar neighbors.
She refuses to wear a life alert bracelet.
She refuses to live in an upscale assisted living facility.
She refuses to sell her home and move next door to her children even in a “mother-in-law” type configuration
She gave up driving voluntarily (30) years ago…… reason being it scared her.
My sister and I both live about (15 miles/ 30 minutes) away.
She has not been mentally evaluated thoroughly – my sister feels it might upset her, and feels that dementia is not treatable anyway.
My sister takes copious medical notes ,ensures routine doctor visits, and runs the household particulars.
Mom has a medication routine which we ensure is taking twice daily ( vitamins, blood pressure, arthritis) – alone she will often forget to take her pills
My sister has progressively escalated to about (20) hours a day with my mother. She is uncomfortable leaving her alone any longer than about (4) hours.
She spends the night with her every night, except once or twice a month when I fill in.
I visit Mom a couple times weekly for about (2) hours each, and routinely come by on Sunday afternoons.
Mom now gets frantic when my sister is not around, even if I’m there with her.
I believe an irrational dependency has been established with the primary care giver.
QUESTIONS and assumptions:
What would the optimum course of action be to ensure the best quality of life for everyone involved?
I feel that my mom has become overly dependent on my sister, and no amount of one on one contact seems to be enough.
My mom complains of being lonely and being scared to be alone….. my sister and I debate, how much is legitimate dementia versus simple loneliness.
My sister claims she spends so much time with our mom because she feels better about it regardless of whether my mom actually needs the level of attention.
Admittedly Mom is more relaxed with my sister next to her.
My sister claims she is OK with the current routine.
I advocate assisted living, mom moving next door, less care until she becomes legitimately helpless.
Thank you for your feedback

PS
We both call my mother multiple times everyday, and the house is set up with cameras so we can keep and eye on her.
Thank you for your feedback

I just found this site tonight and boy oh boy did this hit the nail on the head for me! My sister lives one block from my parents and still acts like they are the same parents we had growing up. She refuses to see things as they are. She will go weeks without even giving them a phone call. I call it dysfunction and selfish.....I have no problem being their caregiver now but down the road when i really need her help i am afraid all the years of resentment will come out in ugly ways from my side. BTW bless you all! you are saints!

Your not alone. I asked my sister today can you or your husband moe the back lawn please. Her reply was not right now with what's going on in our house hold. Teenagers. I had a teenager too who moved in to my moms with me to live and she now lives in another state Florida. She moved the heck out of the house and I don't blame her. My point is I raised a teenager single mom and she has a husband and can't find the time to moe the back yard but has time to help others with things. I just laugh now and ask for help and say exactly what I need knowing that she will have an excuse. I wonder what she would say if I said mom has not bathed in a month can you please come do that. Just venting. I'm done trying to get family and friends to help or understand what I am going through on my new journey. When mom passes I am out of here and they can deal with the house and all that goes along with owning property. hahah

Good evening my kind friends! Well the social worker finally is coming to evaluate my MIL for IHHS . She asked what exactly my MIL needs help with, I told her she's maximum assist! I sure do hope they can get someone soon. My surgery is next month! I am also concerned because my mother in law gets combative (always with me) with people she gets familiar with, she hits and pinches when bathing and dressing her, she turns into stone and its like moving a 300 pounder!
So I'm not sure how the social worker will react to that and or when and IF we can get someone to tolerate her behavior she is 89 with vascular dementia and can no longer really talk, but boy does she have a temper. No matter how nice I try once the clothes start to come off that's it! But it's a start and soon won't be my problem only my husbands. Can't wait for my surgery! My hip pain now is almost unbearable! Just trying to hang on! Thanks all for being here nitey nite....

Littletonway, thank you. I realize that you are right. I donot have anyone helping me at all. I have the sole responsibility. However, I'm trying to have a better attitude. This site is, really, helpful. Thank you again.

Electric109,your mother and sister are so lucky to have you involved in their life. I have 3 siblings and they are not involved in our mothers care. I agree with you about assisted living or living next door.Your mother should see a doctor for dementia and start medication. Went my husband started taking medication,there was a big difference in his health.My mother also has dementia and as soon as she was given medication there was improvement.I am their caregiver and the Rx has maded my life less stressful.Good Luck.

I think there is not one rule fits all families; it depends on the dynamics of the individual families. My mom has dementia and here are 6 surviving syblings. However, we have give power of attorney to one brother who manages very well. There are two local sisters and the one sister who would help the most Mom has focused negatively on her; of course we realize the dementia. The other local sister steps in for a visit and then out again. I live 2500 miles away but am blessed because I am able to come to telework from the state where mom lives; thank God for technology. I was feeling guilty that I was not helping and asked for the approval to work from mom's state; approval was granted. So, I work in the facility during the day and am able to be home with mom during the night. And it is rough, but I am happy that I am helping. Sometimes you want to help but cannot, sometimes, you don't and should, and sometime you step up. There are all types of family dynamics; but most of all, you PRAY....

My mother also focuses her anger on me-she thinks my brothers are so great and puts me down all the time-now Mom will need to have someone to be with her when she gets home from the hospital and one brother has already refused-my sister who does almost everything for her can not help right now because of her job and I have done my share plus Mom went to hit me last time I was with her.

That is really rough. My sister who is the focus of her resentment still drops by to see mom, although she will not go any further than the living room due to mom's paranoia. Can identify your mom's triggers and go no further so as not to upset her. I know it's tough... Last night she told me her 'voice' told her I should pack and get on a plane. My feelings were hurt and that's what I wanted to do. My brother reminded me that it is the illness and not her. Our mothers would be destroyed if they knew what they were doing. Hang in there. I'll keep you in my praers.

I feel the same way about talking with them after Mom's passing...I'm having a Grad party for my daughter in 2 wks and have invited my 3 siblings who 2 of them last visited Mom In May and 1 that lives in the same town and saw Mom once last year...they say they are coming to the party which I think is important for my daughter but it "irks" me to think they will be seeing Mom that day... If it wasn't for the party they would not be coming to visit Mom... I don't need or want there help and I will not be informing them of Mom's condition...I have made a decision that if Mom ends up in hospital again for any reason I will not call them...They do not call me or Mom at any time, so obviously they don't care. I will have the 1 sister who visits and calls weekly inform them of her passing... I have wasted too much time wondering "why" they don't give a shit about their Mother... SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH !!!!

By the Way ... Mom is 91 and has lived with me,husband and now 2 grow kids for 12yrs...

Sometimes adult children distance themselves from elderly parents because they were abused as children and cannot deal with the emotional pain from the past. Most likely these elderly parents are still abusive toward their adult children. I no longer see my elderly father because of abuse as a child and his indifference toward me as an adult. It is not for lack of trying, but why should I bother anymore.