Arrival of the Queen..Sibling treated like a queen and I'm her lowly servant...

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Hello all. Im the caregiver for my 87 year old father. My children and I moved in back in May. We have help during my work hours and my father is not in bad shape physically. Back in in May he fell and he can no longer live alone. He makes no hiding of the fact that he sees my sister as better than me. She is coming for a one week visit and he is ready for us to roll out the red carpet. Never mind that I have children of my own and a career. He is going to expect me to cook and wait on her as if she is a guest. He is going down a list of all that needs to be done this week. Im trying to remain patient, but how do I overlook such blatant favoritism ? On top of everything he plans on cooking for my sister while she is here. Meanwhile he sits there on the couch all day every day while i wait on him hand and foot. He sees nothing wrong with overwhelming me, but my sister who has no children is going to receive royal treatment. If I could afford to go to a hotel for the week I would, but Im trying to prepare to move...I know my refusal to do anything will result in a big war...Have any of you faced this situation as a caregiver. I always receive such wonderful advice from everyone, Im hoping to get some valuable feedback.

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Well Hoping4Healing you will be reading my posts on The Arrival of the Queen Holiday Edition. My sister is coming for Thanksgiving and will be here on Saturday. She will be here for one week Since I already know that Im cooking for Thanksgiving, that will make things a tad less stressful. a tad
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Toomuch4me you said in your last comment "I know y'all are tired of hearing from me." I am so HAPPY to hear from you because your comments and sharing here are literally saving my sanity and helping me survive my broken heart. I am also the "Cinderella" child and always have been and my sister and her husband are golden royalty to my father. My mother also acted this way but thank god she is dead! (yes, sorry to say I am VERY relieved that only one nasty parents of mine still lives! It is more survivable for me!)

My father is 95 and I moved here from across the country a year ago to cook for him and be here in case he became unable to drive anymore etc.. My sister and b-in-law came to visit for 2 weeks, Oct. 24 to Nov 7, and I had just had foot surgery on Oct 22 but was expected to wait on them hand and foot, and treat them like royalty. I am treated like dirt by him while she and her hubby are golden and walk on water. He mocks me cruelly that I am jealous of her if I say he is being unfair.
I gave up everything in BC, my nice home I rented, my furniture, car, everything I owned to pay for a move across Canada to be here for him. I gave up my disability income and have a much smaller income ($700) here. So now he says I am destitute and he is "saving" me from homelessness, he is doing me a favour by giving me a roof over my head etc, and he doesn't need my help at all. This situation, he claims, is all about him sacrificing and giving charity to me. I am very sick/disabled and was so mistaken and foolish to give up my life in BC because now I am completely stuck with him. A part of me really hates him. I don't care of that is wrong, I would never do a bad thing to him, I always do what is the right and moral, good thing to the best of my ability, but at times I really despise even hate him.
I would kill myself except for 2 things: my precious cat is scared of all humans except me and I love her so dearly I would not desert her, and 2) I will not let the princess sister inherit everything because I die before my father does, as convenient as that would be for her! She talks a LOT about killing him for her inheritance and I would bet my boots that she and her hubby say if I killed myself I would be out of my misery AND they could inherit everything from my dad. So I won't for that reason too, but mostly because of love for my cat.

Anyway as you can tell from my rambling, I barely hold onto sanity by a thread and your posts are making that thread stronger! So thank you SO MUCH for sharing, I am sorry for your situation but I am also relieved to know I am not alone in this Cinderella nightmare! I wish I could work and escape. I am considering abusing my credit card to buy an old car so I won't be so totally trapped (I am too sick to take transit).
Best of luck to all of us, eh?!
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Toomuch4me, I want to say I'm really sorry to hear this story. This whole situation you're in reflects my own caregiver and family experiences so much it makes me sad.

Sometimes family dynamics like this are so deeply ingrained that the only way to fix things is to get out. It seems like this is a pattern that is set for both of you; he dominates, you get upset and give in to avoid making the conflict worse.

Please listen to me, and many others who will post here, when we say that if you don't take care of yourself you will regret it later. You will never get these months/years back that you spend caring for him. Your kids will grow up in this terrible environment. And most importantly, the stress can and will make you ill or kill you.

Do you tolerate this because you are waiting for his love and approval? If so, you may need to face the sad reality that you will never get it.

Good luck, and take care of yourself! Please!
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You can talk to his HHA about coming in more often to tend to him. You don't have to leave him in a lurch. This isn't retaliation. It is just taking your life back because you are so unhappy after putting up with it for too long. Make sure someone is available to meet his needs, though. You know what those needs are, so you should be able to find someone to cover them.
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"What if something happens to him ? I will feel guilty forever .." Have you read any of the books recommended on this site. I found one that described my mother to a T. Also, check out co-dependency. I have had to do a lot of reading to understand my family and to understand that it has nothing to do with me.

Whatever happens to him, is going to happen. But, you can help what happens to you. Your current schedule will lead you to an early grave. Seriously.
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I know y'all are tired of hearing from me. But being on this site is theraupeutic. Last night I came upstairs after working all day and my father tells me to wrap up my sister's food because she was tired from assembling new speakers. HUH ??? Anytime she compliments me or gives me credit, he brushes it off. But if she breathes he makes sure to tell me about it...Although I am prepared to leave, I feel like its going to create chaos. What if something happens to him ? I will feel guilty forever ..but at the same time there is an uproar every day and you never know when the next explosion is going to be...
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Good for you, TooMuch.
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I do have a plan. Im already pricing bus tickets and calling about temporary housing. Believe me the wheels in this brain are already working over time. Im prepared to leave as early as Saturday. Yesterdays' blow up really got to me mainly because Im sure my children were upset hearing all of the yelling. It brought back memories of him doing the same thing with my brothers when I was little. I used to race upstairs hysterical because of the fighting. He just HAS to fight with someone . That man literally makes me sick to my stomach to even be around. As I wrote in my original post my sister is THE QUEEN. Everything he does he asks her, "is that okay with you..." Give me a break. It shows that he knows exactly what he is doing..
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jinx I love your comment
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toomuch4me, What is your plan? How much money do you need to be able to move out? How long will it take to save that up? Where are you going to live? Will the kids be in a new school?

Think about the future, and start making your plans now. In "the Three Penny Opera," Pirate Jenny sings, "And you see me kinda grinnin' while I'm scrubbin'
And you say, "What's she got to grin?" I'll tell you." When you have your plans underway, you can grin, and they won't know why.

My mother was a Southern lady who valued her dignity a little too much. She finally learned she didn't need to lose her temper to make my father smarten up and calm down. She only needed to PRETEND to lose her temper. Give it a try!
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