Sibling Power of Attorney Reversal.

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My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's & Dementia several years ago. Since then my elder sister has been caring for him and allegedly has gained POA. She has yet to provide such documentation and us siblings question whether she is capable of tending to his needs, or if in fact has official POA? I understand that she has sacrificed a lot over the years, but it was always in my Dad's best interest (and late Mother's) that if any sibling needed "help" that the house would always remain open. Since then she has taken "control" of the household and has denied visitation access to other siblings when things were not convenient for her and has turned away Siblings in need. We suspect abuse (unintentinal of course) and neglect for our dad and feel she has no right denying us access to the house, nor feel that she is qualified to provide the care my dad needs during his last years. Recently Hospice care has provided services for my dad, but arguments have escalated between siblings as she continues to manipulate and control household access and visitation. We feel that she is going against my late mother's wishes and my dad (who can't fend for himself), but ultimately all we want is to have a peaceful environment visitations and enjoy my dad's final years. We collectively want to intervene and have my Elder sister's (alleged) POA reversed.

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Hello Everyone! I have a situation that I am going thru and I will share it with you because I need some good advice! I have a younger sibling from another marriage by my father who is giving me a hard time concerning my Dad and she has become his POA only because she lives in Oklahoma where he does and I live in South Carolina. He suffers from Dementia! She is my half-sister and my sister and I are his eldest children and she has no regard for his feelings toward my sister and I of letting us know anything concerning him. She contacted me only to tell me that she was going to have to put Daddy in a nursing home because she could not care for him. He wasn't even living with her. He was living in a Assisted Living for Senior's and Veteran's and was very happy living there and had been there for 11 years. She and her husband made him move with them to Washington State. She new at that time he was in the beginning stages of Dementia and didn't tell me! My Dad called me to give me the address of where they were moving him because she did not want me to know. He called me after they moved him in this apartment that was over a garage. He did not like it there in Washington State or the apartment. I could tell something was wrong with him, he then said to me that he had not seen Patti for 3 weeks and that he had no food to eat or nothing to drink except water. I tried to call her and she wouldn't answer her phone. So I contacted the Police Dept. and explained to them what was going on and they sent a Police Officer to the apartment and she had moved him again. The Officer went to the house where the apartment was and my niece lived in the house and the Police Officer asked her where had her mother taken her Grandfather. She told the Officer that she needed to call her mother first but the Police Officer would not let her, he saw what she was up too. He told her he wanted to know where her Grandfather was and where her mother had moved him. She then gave the Officer the address and he kept me on the phone with him so that I could hear the whole conversation. He then said to me that he was on his way to the address that my niece had given him and that he would call me when he got there. He called me and had me on the phone before he approached Patti so that I could hear the conversation with her. The Officer asked her where my Dad was and he called his name and I heard my Dad say to the Officer I'm here, did my daughter Loretta send you and the Officer said Yes, she is worried about you and my Dad said That's My Girl, she will find me! The Officer let Patti know that she was wrong for trying to keep Daddy from me and that she needed to give me her new cell number. Oh she did and later had it changed. My Dad suffers from Dementia and she new it when she moved him but didn't tell me. While he was living there during the times she didn't see him for weeks at a time, a neighbor went over to check on him and found him eating raw rotten meat because he had nothing to eat. He tried to keep me posted each time where she was moving him so that I would know where he was living. When she found out that I knew, she would move him again. She moved him back to Oklahoma and it got worse, I had to call the Police Dept. and get DHS involved. He was put in the hospital in Oklahoma and he was there for a month and Patti took his cell phone from him so that he could not call me to let me know where he was and that's when I got DHS involved. This is when she became my Dad's POA and I had to get permission from her to be able to talk to my him after everything she had done to him. He has been residing in the Claremore VA Nursing Center in Oklahoma for the past 3 years and his Dementia in the last month is really bad, but I still call and talk to him and tell him that I Love him. For the last week I have been unable to talk to him because he is in the hospital again and Patti will not call me to let me know where he is and she has changed her cell number again. My hands are tied and I don't know who to call to help me. Because of the HE PA Law the nursing home is not allowed to give out any information to the other siblings unless you have permission from the POA! I think this HE PA Law is wrong and its People like my Half-Sister that takes this law to the extremes just because she is his POA. I don't have the kind of money it takes to fight this or fly out to Oklahoma. I am 61 years young and I am Retired from the Board of Education with 31 years of service! My parents divorced when I was 7 years old and my Mother never put my Dad down to my sister and I. I Love My Daddy and all I wanted to do is stay in touch with him and try to go see him before he passed away. What about my right! Its like I am being punished by my own Step Sister for loving my Dad and making sure he is alright. It is not fair that we are pushed aside. She didn't even go visit him in the nursing home or call him, she's some kind POA.
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Many of the comments posted here do what I did a few months ago when I first read RenT28's post. I read between the lines from my perspective as a caregiver who had not received much help from my sibling, who was more than willing to criticize the job I was doing. I wrote a scathing response to Ren, and was embarrassed and so, so sorry for adding to his pain when I read his reply in which he filled in details that that completely changed my understanding of his situation. If anyone wants to read his reply, type "Kabeeena - thank you so much" in the search box for this website, and then scroll down to the post that begins with that sentence. It is a real eye-opening lesson on not jumping to conclusions! In the interest of honesty, you can read my now embarrassing post just before his post.
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I liken these situations, and mine to the story of "The Little Red Hen".
No one wants to help make the bread, but they come flocking when it's time to eat the bread. My brother hasn't seen our mom for about 9-10 years.
Ren- not pointing any fingers at you as I don't know your situation. But speaking to all the tired, weary, depressed, stressed caregivers that have given up careers their privacy and social life and have sacrificed for the love of their parents.
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since the day my dad died which my family helped for five years my siblings havent spoken to my mom since we left the cementarymy husband and children help me with mother she stayed in her own home until last year she is now beridden at my home no calls christmas cards nothing from two siblings four grandchildren and four greatgrand children the little ones were told she was dead my siblings live two strrets over never cared if she had heat food nothing they go out in the community and pretend that they see her wwhen she dies they will be first in line for anything that is left although there probley wont be a thing i call poa pow prisoner of war i had two careers on hold two children to get through school one going blind they did stop one day told her they would be back the following week only never to come back why she looked for them for weeks she is bedriiden and is only living to see them one more time nothing another christmas not even a card my parents were married over fifty years i watch my dad grieve wanting to see them now mom i can take care of here but i cant give her them i have had three eight hour night sleep and one twelve hour in a year i dont get the pleasure of just visting at my convience i have to take care of here while i watch her die siblings excuse cant handle it i have to do medicines fincial keep up here home they even tell people they mow her yd i have to bath her give her medicine shots get her up with a lift she would be in alot worse shape in a nursing home ihave considered it it would be cheaper and i could have my life back you remind me of my sister in law you didnt want to give up your lives now after she has given up hers and its closier to the end where you dont have to do much you judge her it didnt bother you in the beginning you chose your life someone had to do something to help your parent and obiously it wasnt you now you want to play blame game come to my house walk one week in my shoes you would run like a scared rabbit honor thy father and thy mother you didnt you threw all the responsibility off on her so you could have your life why do you deserve anything she has done all the work your talking more of the estate than loving your parent if you truly did you would have been there day one instead of saying she volenteered she got herself in this the answer i hear alot is most of the time there is just one i didnt volenteer for this i had no choice and it is doing whats right i can look myself in the mirror and know i did all i could you are just trying to end your own guilty feelings you should thank your sister for taken good care of your parent no amount of money can buy ones soul
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Talk about being harsh....look at your own words about your sister.
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I didn't say anything wrong other than telling the truth about what I am hearing directly from you. I think it is terrible to accuse your sister of tearing your family apart when she has been caretaking for your parents for years. You need to be supportive of your sister and stop finding fault in who she is as a person. I think you are looking for support here on this site to continue on with the berating of your sister. I thought this site was for Caretaker support not Caretaker attacks.
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It is true we do not know Ren's full situation and to make accusations because it is most often that money and greed is the problem is very harsh. Too many caregivers are in situations where siblings refuse to help could careless about their parents but they want their inheritance but I think this situation is different. I still think it is about power on the sister's part. Good luck to you Ren!!
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Well said teachergear1 - THANK YOU!!! :)
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I have no clue how much money is involved, nor do I really care. (I doubt much)!  14 years of "caregiving" is on "OVER STATEMENT" given that fact that the first 11 years (when dad was well & able) they had more of a Roomate situation where they shared responsibilities & bills. 3+ years I do give credit to my sister for caring for dad - 2+ years of mild  Dementia and  about a year of full fledge Alzheimer's. 

@ Careful - you SHOULD apologize because obviously are WAY OFF BASE and don't get the full scope of my family's situation. You just accused me greed and you don't even know nor understand MY position.  I'm not seeking any "Glory" in this matter and "YES" if I had POA for my dad's estate I would gladly allow my sister move in until she got situated. (This is something my parents would have allowed if they had a voice)! We don't need any sibling caring for another, so where is that coming from???   Personally, I CAN GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS ABOUT THAT HOUSE, but when I see POA sibling destroying this family I HAVE A PROBLEM!!!  It seems to me that perhaps you are internalizing your own frustrations & guilt and shadowing on mine, so maybe YOU should consider on open forum and see where your own siblings stand and allow their voice to be heard??? 
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Wow...a little harsh there "Careful". Let's try to be a little kinder, okay? Life is too short to be bitter and "lash out" at those who are looking for help here...don't you agree?
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