Sibling relationships gone down the drain.

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Are there any caregivers out there who still have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with their siblings? I sure don't, and soooooo many others in my situation do not either. My sister and I have become strangers to one another. She has made it plain that she will not help in the day-to-day tasks ("too busy with a stressful job"--well, I have a stressful job too) and so I have pretty much shut myself down, and ask the bare minimal amount from her; doing otherwise only causes antagonistic, bitter arguments. She despises my husband and he despises her.

I strongly, strongly feel that once dad (95, living at home with husband & I as live-in caregivers) passes I will have nothing much to do with her at all.

Why does this ugliness have to happen? I've cried so many tears over it.

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What we say to our sibs who claim we are toxic depends on what the truth is. I would readily admit to being toxic right now - in fact, that's a key reason for choosing to remove myself from the caregiving situation. I'm no longer friendly with my mother - I do my "chores" silently and get the hell out as fast as possible. My anger and resentment towards my siblings has poisoned my relationships with them. Not so much for not helping, but for not caring the least about the loss of my plans and hopes and dreams and what I wanted to do with my life. I'm toxic for sure, and I need to get away from all this to detoxify.

Most people who are toxic will just deny it, so there's no point telling them. That's a big part of their toxicity - they dismiss other people's feelings and have no regard for the truth. You're only asking for a nasty confrontation if you point out any of their faults, wrongs, inconsistencies, etc. I wouldn't bother.
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And VENT when we need to!
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Nothing. We stay strong, ignore their onslaughts, and do what we do best! It is part of the job.
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I think we need a new question asked, "what do we say to our siblings who claim we are "toxic"?"
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I think this website would become totally worthless if we were reading about two or more side of sibling dysfunction all the time. We are not here to judge but to support one another. My siblings too would charge me with being the toxic one. What value would that be to anybody on this site?!
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Well, if my sister were to post here about me, she would call me toxic, greedy and totally unreasonable by way of failing to communicate with her in the last year or so. I call that projection and self protection. I think each of us is more entitled to call a sibling or other family member toxic than any of us are entitled to call one another that or suggest anything similar. We don't know all the dynamics of someone else's family situation, but we can chose, or not, to judge others here.

kthin - in retrospect, my sibling relationship was never healthy. A psychiatrist confirmed that there were problems that were not of my making, It has taken me many, many, years to truly accept that. Mother's decline has brought out the worst and I have basically cut contact. I agree it is sad. (((((hugs)))) to you.
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I know when we all get to Heaven there's going to be the Big Reveal and LOTS of stuff each one of us thought was SO important, is going to instantly be deflated. The Internet age will no longer exist in Heaven, and that will be so Wonderful! plus, our aged parents will once again be young, and we ourselves (and our siblings sweet and toxic) will be waiting for us on the other side, cheering our arrival. All that will remain of our old lives is what Love Light and Music we choose to commit unto our hearts for the sake of God and Heaven. I look forward to that Eternal Day of Brightness.
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2ndbest, I don't know that mallory8 is THAT far out of line...that's pretty harsh. There may be something to be gained by imagining what the "toxic" sister would post if she were posting on here, however far out of line it might be.

Carl Jung said the best way to understand the darkness of others is to understand our own...it can be hard to do that; I made it my Lenten discipline this year to try though, and I think to some point I succeeded in being less judgemental....Well in any event, I can tell you are hurting a great deal and that you are a caring person. You tried to do something you thought was a big positive and it was ill-received, due to unintended consequences (aka the bane of most people's existence, especially if they are trying to write legislation) and that always stings; but looking at the "other" perspective might still help you enormously.
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Heaps of thanks to you, malloryg8r, for your very biased and judgemental response to my post about the problems in my family. After reading some of your posts I can see that you are nothing but a hypocritical windbag. So go be "cheerful" with someone else and I really don't care to read any more of your "helpful" posts, thanks.
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My sibling relationships have all gone down the drain, except for one, which at the moment seems to be circling. The problem in my family is that nobody wanted to take care of Mom, and nobody was in a good position to do it. Most of the siblings live far away and so had a ready excuse for not helping/not visiting. Plus three of us were local (in my case, only because I moved to be closer to Mom when she started needing help), so the others thought that we had it covered.

Once I realized how long Mom was likely to live with her disabilities (probably at least 10 years - I had initially assumed 2-3 years) and how demanding and difficult she was going to be, I knew I couldn't make a long-term commitment. I immediately tried to enlist my mother and the local sibs in finding other alternatives for her. Paid help, senior apartment, assisted living, therapies, assistive devices, other family members. No dice. They had me and they were not prepared to let me go. One of the local sibs stepped up to help with some of Mom's needs - the other has been a lot of excuses and an occasional guilt-trip. My relationship with my mother and all sibs except the one helpful one are now fractured. I have put my life on hold indefinitely for the benefit of a group of people who don't give a damn about me. I am merely the family drudge.

Eventually I realized that as long as I stay here, nobody will investigate or consider any solution that does not require me to be here 24/7. So, I've made plans to move back up north where I came from, and let them figure it out without me. They'll find out when it's too late to try to guilt me out of it. With family like this, I'll take my chances among strangers.
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