I should have known it was too easy.

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Well... I had spent a week talking with the Department of Aging in my ILs region and setting up an appointment for my FIL to get memory care at a University. My ILs agreed to do it (MIL was very hopeful). MIL even scheduled the in-home appointment. It seemed like they were finally going to get him help.

Then they got scared filling out the forms and cancelled it just a few days ahead. MIL said FIL kept worrying about a childhood memory of a man "who wasn't quite right in the head" in his neighborhood disappearing and returning after getting lobotomy. Granted my FIL binges episodes of House...so you'd *think* he'd know that they don't do that anymore, right?

I'm so damn worried about them! They are 5 hours away. MIL won't let us talk about it with family close by them, but I fear it is time for us to call in outside help. We didn't want to go that route (not without my ILs' consent), but we are so concerned about their safety. FIL hallucinates and has short-term memory issues. MIL has been injured.

Their doctor is useless. She disregards MIL when she's voiced concerns to her, and FIL charms the doctor to the point she considers him "healthy." My husband will be having words with her tomorrow, and I will be calling their local Department of Aging for more ideas on what we can do.

What else can we do? Is it time to consider calling a social worker to step in? We don't want to take away their independence and we were trying to enable them to help themselves (by setting up the special memory care appointment), but we fear they could be in danger. At the very least MIL will end up with more stress injuries to the point she ends up in the hospital or worse.

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We should start compiling a list of gobsmacking things people who ought to know better have said about dementia.

My old neighbour had a friend who regarded her husband's dementia as "self-inflicted." "H'm. Bit harsh, wasn't it?" I asked. "Yes, I thought it was a bit," said my neighbour.

Greta, the point to plug away at with your ILs is that getting help is the only way to conserve their independence. Wait for a crisis, and they'll be wheeled separately into the nearest facilities willy-nilly. But if they prepare, adapt, and accept support then God willing they'll be making their own choices for a long time yet.
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Honest! This doctor said this to my cousin...she said "Mrs. R., nice people don't get dementia, and your parents are nice people". Needless to say, my aunt and uncle had NO interest in seeing another doctor!
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Barb "nice people don't get dementia"? Some people say the darnest things, don't they? LOL! (But, sadly how some have absolutely no clue).
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The time has passed when FIL should be making decisions about whether he goes for assessments. I also wonder about MIL'S capacity; she should have called you before the appointment got cancelled ( let's just talk to the kids about this, or calling the Institute back to tell them to hold the appointment)

A geriatric care manager is a good idea. But at some point, a crisis will happen. One of them will fall or get injured. The next time this happens, you've got to make it clear to discharge at the hospital that they can't live alone.

And about the doctor?  My aunt and uncle had one of them.  She said " nice people don't get dementia".  My cousin had to wait until her father was hospitalized for something else to get a psychiatric consult and a diagnosis.
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Yes, consult a social worker. Find a geriatric care manager in their area if they do not want close by family involved. Why is that? If they were checked on regularly by family then everyone would know how much help they need? If MIL has been injured there needs to be a major chAnge in their carem
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