My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

I think the majority of us are in the same situation and just have to tough it out for the duration which can't be too soon for me, that being said , that is an awful thought but there it is nevertheless.

neonwocky thank you for your advise, I appreciate it very much. I've actually come to the conclusion that ignoring her negativity is the best answer. I try my best not to feed into her attempts to draw me into arguments. That's another one of her ploys to get attention and I find it just irritating. Sometimes I may remind her to shower or to get her laundry in the wash, but will no longer do the work for her and have told my daughter not to either. Before my mom moved in with me, I was trying to get her into an Assisted Living Facility which would give her a sense of independence, while lending assistance with some areas. She was adamantly against living in such a place and refused. My better judgment went out the window because I knew her situation at the time was not healthy nor safe for her and here I am now. So the story goes.

Secret sister, Oh boy don't I wish there was another alternative, unfortunately there isn't. I have help from my daughter who lives with my h and I, and bless her heart for all the help she's given since my surgery. She's only 21 and has taken on responsibilities that most would run from, including my siblings.
Mitzipinki, you are correct, with so many siblings one would think there would be loads of help, of which I would welcome with open arms, no strings attached. Honestly speaking, I do not want "control" over my mother and that is why i refused to hold the POA over her in case its needed. My younger sister has that title, and I'm grateful to her for taking care of that. I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My older sister lives, as I said, 30 minutes away from my home here in Florida and she has made no effort to visit mom and has called 4 times in as many months. My younger sister lives in New Jersey and is the only other child that has done anything, unfortunately she's too far away to be hands on. 3 of my brothers live in NJ and the other 3 are in S.Florida about 3.5 hours from me. Its rare if any siblings, other than 1 brother and younger sister call mom, much less try to see her. I have no expectations with regard to care giving for our mom. Sadly enough its to the point that the only thing that I do expect is nothing from any of my siblings. As I said, I would welcome help of any kind from them.
I want to smile and laugh again with my mom and fear that if things keep going on like they are, it will never happen.
Today I have to bring her in to her cardiologist to see what she's decided to do with respect to the pacemaker and defib he wants to put in her. I'm not looking forward to the stress it will inevitably cause. As mom refuses to believe that there is any issue with her heart, even though she knows she has congestive heart failure.
So needless to say, I feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at present and fear that I'll have a nervous breakdown trying to hold it up.

Are you sure you aren't watching my mother by mistake? sure sounds like it with the same senario. The best advice I can give you is to do nothing. Do not react to her grunting and groanings do not ask her to do anything, to not expect anything from her, you know she isn't goingto do it anyway that way you don't get let down. I just learned this not to long ago and it works Your mother sounds like mine she's been this way all her life and she is narcissistic. google narcissitic mother and I bet you get a light bulb moment. read the one written by Carol when I did that I almost fell out of my chair there was my life. If you can get a little outside therapy it sure did help me my motto since then is

He who does nothing accomplishes much

this doesn't mean you do nothing it means you do not plug into her negative energy and do not react because thats just what she wants I walk around shaking my head yes and thats the end of it. I have my own thoughts naturally but I never voice them anymore cuz I couldn't win anyway. try it see if it helps your stress level, if necessary talk to your doctor and see if he or she can give you something for anxiety and or depression or stress I take a tiny does for anxiety and depression it makes a lot of difference to Good luck to you

itzamemom... first I have to say consider if the behavior is from your mom's age. Sometimes elder behavior changes with age, and it could be due to medications, fears, drastic life changes, etc. Now if she was nasty all her life then you have to make some choices... there are the decisions of boundaries that must come at every decision made.

This is a rhetorical question (you don't need to answer us/me)... with 9 siblings there would seem more that might be willing to help. Is this about you controlling things or don't like how your siblings contribute? Are your expectations of caregiving overwhelming your siblings?

This is not easy especially when you are healing. Sad to say my mother is just too narcissistic for her own good and she's diagnosed that way.

My two cents ends here... find small boundaries you can put in place to help in your recovery. Although boundaries can be really scary, they can also help bring health and stability (whether one- or two-way) to any relationship.

One can always move, again...someplace else? Bless your heart for taking your mother in. But sounds like you need help! Have you considered alternatives for your Mom?

Oh my goodness, I'm so so so grateful to find that I'm not alone in the horrible sea of bitterness I've been swimming in. I'm 1 child of 9, and apparently the only one that cared enough to actually do something for my mother. I'm really regretting my decision and becoming angry toward myself for feeling said regret, as well as a deep seeded bitterness toward the woman I call my mother. She moved in with me 4 months ago and I've had it to the point of not wanting to be around her at all. I have an older sister that lives a half hour away from my home, she has yet to see our mother and I could really use a break. Much to my dismay, I'm in the beginning stages of healing from a single level cervical spine fusion and find it extremely difficult to get away. When I really need to be concentrating on my own well being, I find myself stressed beyond belief, which is not conducive to a good healing environment for me. Her health is not good at all and she makes sure we all know it, by grunting and groaning constantly when she's in our company. Her nastiness with me has gone over the top of being tolerable or fair, she does nothing all day and refuses any outside activities with others her own age. Her hygiene habits are horrendous and she does nothing to help around the house. I'm fed up, and feeling guilty...Thank you for this site and an opportunity to rant.

God bless you, too, Zelda, for being a Caregiving angel. Hang in there. It's rough, but you're not alone. Will be praying for you. Take care.

Thank you mitzipinki!!!

It's so hard to talk to anyone outside the immediate parameter of care. I don't understand why I jumped in to take care of her, let alone explain it to my younger friends. I sound petty when I tell these stories to others. The hospice nurses try to help, but when the patient refuses, you have no choice. All they can do is what she agrees to have done.

It can always be worse and in many of your cases it is. My heart goes out to all of you! God bless you all as well!

Zelda, my heart goes out to you. When its the disease associated with aging, it is so tragic to see behaviors that we as family has never seen before. I know its very tragic to see certain behaviors from my father with Alzheimer's.

My mother on the other hand has always been deceitful, so now with her escalating, its really nothing new. I'm not surprised by anything and to be quite honest, I now joke with the staff, and use their wonderful skills of creativity to get mom back so to speak.

It helps lighten the mood with the caregivers and it also gets mom to get out of herself. Although she's REALLY stubborn. The staff has to use extraneous extreme creative excuses to get mom to do even basic like bathing and going to the dining room.

All I can say is for those who have their health as older individuals, thank God every day for every moment. He has given you the breath for another day.

God bless all of you!

Sitting here crying because y'all understand what it's like!!!
The latest one she has done to me is this:

I started doing her nails when she was first on hospice, hoping bright colors and fun flowers would cheer her up. A year later it is the dumbest thing I ever thought of.

Friend: Zelda, (As she holds up her hand looking at her nails).

Zelda: Yes....

Friend: I have a chip.....right here.....

Zelda: Yes....

Friend: Fix it!

Zelda: We just did your nails two days ago.

Friend: You're not going to fix it?

I just shook my head and walked away.

When she was well she was never like this. So frustrating!!

Overwhelmed, haven't heard from you so I hope all is going well with your mom. Everyone is right, you need to take care of you by setting boundaries you can live with. When someone is that demanding, they will NOT be happy either way you do things, so you might as well take care of yourself. Poop on that mess!!

Austin, good news for you! You go girl!! Verbal abuse is so hard if ever to recover from. When you get a good medical staff behind you and social worker, man is it awesome to deal with. They won't fall for your husband's crapola. You keep taking care of you. Learn that the word no is okay and no one ever died from saying it. Your health comes first because if you aren't cared for how can you give to others. Its like an engine with no oil... it won't run. You soak up that oil (so to speak)! :)

To all, thanks for always sharing! All of you inspire me.

MOE THANK YOU FROM TNE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOUR WISDOM THO=IS MORNING MY SISTER SAID WHY AM I TAKING IN HIS W/C AND OTHER HEAVY EQUIP. WHEN THE DOC SAID NOT TO LIFT HEAVY THINGS SO I CALLED THE REHAB PLACE AND ASKED IF HE WAS OUT OF BED AND NEEDED HIS EQUIP. AND THEY SAIS HE IS NOT OUT OF BED BECAUSE HE HAS NO CLOTHES I SAID HE HAD PLEANTY AT THE HOSP WHICH I TOOK IN BEFORE SURGERY AT LEAST 6 DAYS WORTH-THEY SAID THEY NEVER ARRIVED-CALLED THE HOSP. THEY HAD SENT ALL HIS BELONGINGS-CALLED THE REHAB BACK AGAIN AND THEY WERE THERE. NEON -I LOVE YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING-BLESS MYOU- I HAVE TO TAKE HISPHONE OVER TODAY AND HIS EQUIP, BUT SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO SLEPT IN FOR ME,

Wow, Austin, when you talk about the abuse for most of your marriage, and now you are supposed to give up your life to care for him - that has got to have hit a lot of targets. You are right on that all caregivers need to care for themselves, to be their best. When someone is faced with what you are doing, it's even more important.

When a person is caring for a parent or spouse with whom they always had a loving connection, it's hard work. But when a person is caring for someone with whom they had an abusive past, it's even more important to take care that what you are doing ir right for everyone. This is a huge challenge not everyone can face.

Hang in and keep sharing you story. You are helping so many.
Carol

I don't want you to think it takes just one thing to set me off twice before Rite Aid exposed my film and I lost two rolls of film and they told me it was because I bought the wrong camera?????

Austin,, good for you!!!!! Yes, if I had to do it all over again I would do it just like I am doing, I can't take care of anyone unless i am up to my full self. That includes, rest, meals, fun time, alone time once I know I can be myself I can do anything and deal with it emotionally without getting angry, frustrated and depressed. i feel so much better since I made that decision and the people I work with appreciate it as well, no one likes working with a bear. you are NOT an Ogre and no one needs abuse of any kind, we have enough day to day things to deal with like stupidity in a store, which just a short story I took pictures of the snow we got on March 1. took camera (throw away bought at Rite Aid) in on the 3rd, on the 4th they told me they would send it out that night couldn't be done in the store, okay I'm a reasonable person I understand that when will it be in Oh by Monday, Okay no problem, Monday I go to collect the pictures and guess what they haven't been sent out yet, so I got on line and gave Rite Aid a piece of my mind and told them what idiots they had working for the photo center and they needed to look up the phrase, customer service, they can call me when the pictures are done I am not going back and told them so and I will not go back to purchase anything no matter how convenient it is for me, I will drive 12 miles to another store to do this if i need to have it done. Told them they could take their customer service and do as they please, because they do as they please anyway. Well that felt better again. LOL Well good Glad the social workers have his number he will find no one else will put up with his behavior and you don't have to either God gave you a life to and he doesn't want you to be a door mat for anyone. Later neon

NEON- ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE ON THE TARGET-WE CAN NOT CHANGE PEOPLE, The husband is in rehab again-I did tell him on Sun, that I will not stay home with him 24/7- I am very sorry I know most of you on this site indeed do that and I do admire you for doing that but if you had the choice would you again- I hope I am not making you good friends upset me saying that, but he has abused me for most of our marriage-now it is verbal but it still hurts he tried to get into the N.H. that kicks him right out but I called the hospital S.W. and set her straight and he went to the one that the social workers GET IT about his behaivor,

Upthecree,, you are not wrong, did you ever hear the addage, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it, well that's exactly where you are. Until they understand what they are doing you have no control. You are exactly right it is in Gods hands. Always come here and voice your feelings and opinions we all have them and they help some but not all. Thats the way of things. Anne I feel for you I dealt with alzheimers in the 1990's my husbands mother boy that was a ride. My kuddos go out to you. It takes a lot of strength and mental security to deal with that. I also hope you find comfort here as well. I have been reacting differently to my mother and it seems she is not so into herself and she even helped me cook supper tuesday night that is a big breakthrough at my house. I have been giving her a hug everynight before I go to bed she is a night owl. I need my sleep have to work still so need to take care of me so I can take care of her. Until things change I with her I will continue to do this although she spends quite a bit of time alone but she does enjoy my dog and cats and they are company for her and I feed the birds outdoors she enjoys watching them and the squirrels. So that is something besides TV. She gets a large dose of TV to which is her life. She lives vicariously thru her soap operas. Whatever works ya know. I know things will change i have two more years to go before I can retire and will work part time if at all possible but it will depend on what happens with mother funny how we rearrange our lives to accomodate everyone but ourselves until then I will continue to be a part of my community, church and play cards on friday nights to save my sanity. and get out and have some semblence of my life. It makes all the difference in the world. Love to you both neon

Dear overwhelmed2, I hear you about the Mom thing. Mine has been arguing with me for 50 years. Is there anyone to help you with Mom? Is there any other options for you? Hard situation to be in. Can't she have her own TV in her own room? What about you? Do you get peaceful time to yourself at all? Is she at your house or are you at hers? Sounds like a tough situation. I have been dealing with 2 with Alzheimer's and dementia, and it does get crazy sometimes. There are a lot of great people here though, and there's lots of great ideas for handling the different problems. I hope you find comfort in that you are not alone, and you have a place to voice your frustrations. Welcome! Thanks for sharing part of your story. I hope your needs are met here. Anne

Thanks Neonwocky,
This has been exactly what I have done it has been 7 weeks since I spoke to any of them. Hard buit true. I just bout don't have the desire to anymore.My husband says, I am worng for letting them do what they want. Well if I am only time will tell.
I just have to wait it out. It is in Gods hands and not mine now.I can't fix the world and I know that all to well.This has been really hard to take and hurtful to some point but I know all will turn out for what God wants and none of us. That's what it really boils down to.Though she has broken my heart and split the family up , I just know what eklse to do but let it go. Sad but true.
I love them but I can not answer for them.

Thanks for the support and please pray that I will keep the peace that God has given me through this and it will continue.

i am so glad i found this site. i pray that i can find some release here. my mother is driving me crazy . i don't know how much longer i can do this. she argues with me about everything, sometimes we get into screaming at each other. I can't leave her alone , she has to have someone with her at all times. I have no life of my own. My mother does nothing for herself, it all falls on me to do . All she wants to do is sit in her chair & watch tv & it has to be her shows, which means i have to watch whatever she wants to watch . And the story goes on & on. I don't know how much more i can take of this . I love her with all m heart , cause she is my mother after all. But what about me ????

up the creek, Here hold on to one of my oars, (paddles) Brother is in his world, mother is in her world, neither will cooperate, I don't mean this to sound cruel, but leave them alone, It will work out one way or the other. You are entitled to live your life, My mother never did a thing to help her parents nor did my father, and I have wondered to what is in me to think I have to do this. I don't! I choose. or I chose as may be the case. Anyway You can't make people be what you want them to be. Enjoy your husband have some fun, worrying will NOT change the situation. If something happens to your mom ,which its going to eventually ,someone will let you know. Than you do what you know to do. Sometimes its best to leave people to their own devices. There have been many times I wish I would have left my Parents in Maryland to live their lives and make their own decisions, they were only too happy for me to take over the responsibility. Especially my Dad and he is gone now and I got along better with him than mom, go figure. You are in my thoughts and prayers, you can't change what they don't want to change, you know your heart, let your mother and brother know theirs. Its their resposibility to own up to what is in their heart. My husband always says I try to change the world one person at a time. I thought about that do you know how many people are in this world. I help the ones that want the help the ones that want to be users I flip off and leave the rest to themselves. Cuz I can't take care of everybody and neither can anyone else. XOXOXOX

Dear Mitzi, thanks! Ever since I posted on this thread, I was feeling guilty or convicted about posting "wrongly." lol (Like Mother always said...) How absurd! (Like a bad girl!) How damaging can a parent's past statements be????? And I was also thinking, why I did not call my Mother 200 miles away to tell her about her husband having seizures today? Anybody want to guess? Since we seem to have similiar situations with our Mothers... I guess I didn't want to set myself up for more grief (of a different kind) from Mom. I'm finding there are people with whom it just is not safe to share my true and deepest feelings. (Though learned that lesson long ago and ran from her throughout childhood.) Mom and Grandma taught that "Children Should be Seen and Not Heard." and for the longest time I believed them, but despised every minute of it. Though I grew up and learned it was a lie, and now it's hard to shut me up! But I am also learning that even though there are some people with whom it is not safe to share my feelings, (especially with Mother), that there is literally a treasure storehouse of people who care, and are supportive. Thank you ladies for being there when the going gets rough! And thank you Lord for them!

((((((Anne))))))) Our hearts and prayers go with you as you read this post. Just try to breathe and relax during this difficult time.

Try #2... Sorry to post on "She's Driving Me Crazy," but wanted to respond to you dear ladies. Sorry to hear about your brother, Neon. Praying for you Mitzi and Dare. Gotta dash back to Dad now that hubby's home. Thanks, A

Thanks ladies, I'd love to share some snow, but can only share my grief. My 8yr old and I visited Dad at the nursing home this morning only to find he'd had "an episode." A seizure due to his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease. I thought I'd lost him because he wasn't responding, but he pulled out if it, and let me feed him lunch. It was a nightmare

oh mitzi if I only could by the time I got there it would be time to get back and get back to work LOL Yes, unfortunately if they are bound and determined and especially at her age its her way or no way and there really isn't alot you can do about it but watch her go down hill, Unfortunately that is the way of things, Love to you and have a great week end

thanks mitizipinki, yes she knows she could lose her legs, her sister stayed in a recliner at the nursing home she had one leg amputated and they were goning to amputate the other leg the next day but she died the night before she is aware. i also love the snow. we had snow Dec. 11th 2008 before that it was 19 years it rarely snows here. my lab loved it.

Dare, sometimes you can only do what you can do. When you peak at the top of the mountain there's no higher to go. Her will and her choice is just that hers. Sometimes its sad to watch them make their choices. Sometimes its out of sheer stubbornness. Other times its out of lack of knowledge. Perhaps if you approached her with a "Mom, I'm sorry to be so nagging, but I'm really concerned about your legs. The doctors say that if you don't get circulation you could lose them or something more could happen." Would she be receptive to that kind of approach? Have the doctors tried to help intervene?

Dare, just reassure yourself that you're doing all possible. You can't force her to do thing one beyond her choices. At least let that get into your heart. We're here to help with ideas, but beyond a free will there is nothing else.

Neon... I'll let you come here and enjoy our house. Because of the way our house is positioned, we usually get double of what everyone else gets! Get to it before my husband whips out that snow thrower!

i did go to that site we do have council on aging here i went through the process with paw paw they said he was approved mailed me a letter saying when a what all they would do and never came i called repeatedly left messages for a month to this day nothing i am in louisiana i didn't have the entergy or time to write or call the govenor or DHHS. thats a whole other story