My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

thank you very much dear hope your day has lots of sunshine an love.

oh sweeties,it is the worst of times i am there with my heart, weight and soul,

You're not alone. My mom is driving me crazy and I can hardly wait until she dies and leaves me alone.

What a cruel joke that they live so long.

My mom does not make sense either. She says one thing then changes her mind. She wanted half a sandwich like mine. I put one slice of bread in the toaster which is how I made my sandwich. She saw the toast and said she couldn't eat it because it was too hard. So I started again. When I was almost finished she said she wanted a whole sandwich not just a half.

It's slow thinking on her part and also mind games. I get so tired of it. I just leave the room.

The other day she wanted to know if I was avoiding her in order to make her feel bad. I laughed and laughed. I'm avoiding her in order to keep my sanity. It never occured to me to be cruel to her.

It's all about her. Everything. And she is sooooo boring.

I hate caregiving. I hate her.

hello everyone i,am taking care of my 79 year old mom
i,am her care giver i have 3 other siblings that are all married and have there own life
i was never married so i,am that one who is lelf to take care of her she can not walk and won't do nothing to help her self out
she only wants one of her sons but he don't do nothing for her she even pays him to come can see her becouse that the only way he will to see her if she gives him money which is very sad
my mom talks and don't make any sense at all
i dont have anytime for my self anymore
i want to call homecare to help me out but my mom will not hear of it she also likes to play mind games with me all the time
i,am under so much stress sometimes i just want to walk away from it all
i know we just have one mother in this world and when she gone she gone forevery
i just feel like i,am all alone in this world

All of you caregivers going through so much stress, depression and the like. Make sure you explore the possibility of an assisted living facility. I swore I would not allow my mother to go to one of those places and decided at 88 to have her come live with my husband and I, since she is in resonably good helath. Wrong. This may sound cruel but she near destroyed our life. Guilt kept me going , But then one day something snapped and I realized that this dream relationship I was imaging was never going to happen. We were never best friends and it just got worst.instead of better. After doing much investigation I found a really nice place for her. Four months later I am beginning to see the benefits not just for me but for her. She has a great room with an activity director and pleny of entertainment. A Beautiful patio and courtyard and a dining room where she has meals 3 days a day, a hair salon, ashuttle bus and 24 hour caregiving service with a dr on site. She has really taken to her new lifestyle and now I have mine back and my own family is happier. Please do yourself a favor and look into options. Get rid of the guilt. You are not the only one that can care for you mom. P.S the relationship is better then ever.

My 83 yo mother is boring, lazy and self-absorbed. All she ever wants to talk about is herself, as she has no interests, so she can't carry on a conversation and makes excuses all the time. She's in a retirement home and she is the only one who never does anything, while the rest of her community mates are out doing activites, etc. We argue all the time, and it didn't used to be this way. I really don't like her and not interested in having a relationship with her because I have a big family to raise, and other things to do with my life than listen to her health problems or what she ate that day. Thanks for letting me vent. : )

Turn, why not let your sister do what she wants to do? Who cares if she does 'more' than you do anyway? Maybe she's able to NOT go crazy as easy as you, like you said you're already spread pretty thin anyway. Be your sister's support system, and let her do the heavy lifting. Don't let pride get in the way of letting go and letting your sister do what she wants with your mother.

My mom called last night and says, "when you come to get me; I need red mulch down and the woods needs to be cut". We have not even finished her house reconstruction here. I was raised to obey and serve as the Bible says. She will abuse you verbally and harass you until you give in. Last night she was concerned about her outdoor kitchen grill that is rusty and she does not even cook. She killed my dad with all of this . He used to cry but he was raised to never divorce. I run a hugh school and work at my job 60 hours a week and commute three hours daily so I do not need more. I just cannot stand the constant nagging. My sister and I say we will stop but she goes behind our pact and does it and then I look like a fool. I have never trusted her.

Sad these Narcissists,,,,yep she trained you well. It seems she is healthy enough to do much of the planning and hire others if she needs to...where do you both really fit into this picture?

Do we have the same Mother. Would you be able to create a space for her one of my friends lives with her daughter and family and has her own large room with a small bathroom itis her space I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of coffee or a strong drink I think you need to get her placed sooner than later she sounds horrible-the mental anguest she is giving you is not good for you-this is the place to vent for sure it kept me sane while taking care of the husband-I had to learn to ignor him-he really drove me crazy am surprised he did not live forever HE had no stress, Her mental state is reason to have her in a nursing home you have to think of yourself -my lawyer said 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are taking care of, When I stay with my mother I have to let her rantings go in one ears and out the other she picks on me and I could be crying all the time I know she hates me but is nice to my sister who spends the most time with her my husband was also very mean to me and he was completely dependent on me-I lost both ways. Make sure each day you say to yourself I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY until you believe it-no one deserves to be treated badly-write on my wall anytime and I will try to help you cope we can not cure only manage it-my friend.

No offense, but I would simply give her some polite options. If we maintain them, it comes out of your money and the people to help maintain it because you cannot. If that happens, a, b, and c will happen as a result.

Then state the other options. Sometimes giving options and the full scope and letting them choose gives them the control instead of demanding of them.

We are supposed to honor our parents. Realize that they are also in a frightening spot. Their life is changing drastically. Try giving her a choice by spelling out the details and see how that works.

My mom has two homes and two cars iand is 89. She does not drive but demnads to keep botj.Demands her two girls take care of everything. She is wealthy but we do it all including caring for these two homes. She spends the summer in her summer home while we rebuild the winter one with months of contractors. Then she expects us to drive and pick her up and do gardening work in the summer one. She never stops nagging and expecting. She does not care hjat I work full time. Her lists never end. We were raised to be servants and do not know how to stop with her abuse coming our way if we try. We clean and cook and take her everywhere. She promised to move into our homes but still wants to stay in her two, She says she wants to be independent but she is not.

Altersheim, Mom took a while to adjust to daycare, but now calls it school, and therefore cannot miss a day, or she won't graduate! It's a great way to get some time for yourself. Mom can be a little hard to handle when she gets home, but the 3 days at 6 hours a day, is a Godsend!
As for siblings, I don't beg anymore. Most of the time I don't even call them. Once you stop trying to get them to participate, you will have less stress. I try not to think about their lack of help anymore and I have less stress. Now I just have to get my husband to realize that it's useless to stress out over what the sibling do or don't do to help me!
Do what you need to do to get some down time. Hire home help if you can. Maybe if they see the money going to strangers, they'll think twice about helping. Good luck!

Sylvester18 and Emerald4Me,

Well, I'm glad I'm not alone - in having useless siblings - but I'm saddened that I'm not the only one. My Mom is for the most part easy going and I'm glad she is with me - I love her dearly and the only way I will put her in a nursing home is if I can no longer physically take care of her. That being said - I even need to take an 8 hour break from MYSELF every night. How do we get it across to siblings (in my case just one) that we aren't asking for a great time commitment but only perhaps a weekend or week here or there? Asking nicely, begging, or demanding has all had the same result - nada, zilch, nichts, nothing... On top of it is breaking Mom's heart because my bro and his wife have very little to do with her - even after everything she has done for them...

Ibarro, How did your parent(s) adjust to the adult day care?

Hi--I just read your question and am wondering does your mom have some sort of dementia? What you may be hearing from her--is NOT her, bur possible her ailment which has taken over. I can understand how you feel, as I also have been thru a simialr situation as well. In my case, I did have my Mom evaluated-and eventually she moved into a facility for care-upon doctors suggesstion. You may want to do this as well. But whatever you do...you CANNOT beat yourself up over her reactions towards you.

As far as taking time for you-even joing a support group, or juist taking some ME TIME -in my opinion this is a very wise thought on your part. You also have the people here in this forum to vent to as well.

I know it is easier said than done...but DO NOT let your Mom's behavior towards you drive you crazy...try to be Good to yourself. We are or have been is a similar situation.

Good luck to you!

Hap

Thanks for the tip on the daycare. Mom doesn't live with me but "The Queen" must be amused!!! We hired a woman to be her "friend" because mom & I don't get along. It's hard enough keeping up with a hoarder but to offer amusement to self obsorbed malingerer is beyond my scope. It took my husband & I three years to clean up my dad's estate & prepare the house for mom to sell it. Knee deep in mouse poop & dust bunnies; after 8 gallons of bleach it was sellable (as is). Enter the other nightmare...mom. It's been over 11yrs. now & I can't get a job because she keeps me soooo busy. I'm still shreding documents from 1940!!! The woman had NO filling system ever!!! I am not suzy homemaker, but good Lord! I can't straighten out her life and attend to my own also without throwing a tantrum of my own sometimes! What a horrible thing to do to anyone!!!! Please caregivers, do NOT do this to your children. This bloodline ends with me so I won't even be tempted to abuse my children because their aren't any!!!!

You definitely should see about adult day health. Mom goes 3 days a week from 9 to 3. It's not much in the grand scheme of things, but will get you some much needed relief. I'm in Mass. and there is a program that pays for most of it. Mom only has a copay of $45 a month. It is well worth it!

well you have to take control and action-first stop taking care of your mom full time-put her in an adult day care center or have a home attendant 8-8 ask her doctor /social services to provide this service for you because you can't handle it anymore.that's it, you are not going to resolve the problem just complaining about it- take action once and for all. believeme i also took action already.

emerald, see? He just ASSUMED you would just do it. Great comeback that you had! My Mom said to me today, "I feel so alone"...
My sisters should and WILL be ashamed of themselves sooner or later.

Sylvester, that would make my blood boil too. Don't help me out, but tell me how to do it. My brother, sort of, tried to pull that once. My mom had to go into the hospital 2 years ago for surgery. I was with her every single day of the 5 days she was in there. Then they were transferring her to a nursing home while she did her physical therapy. Brother called her a couple of times but was too busy to drive the hour and a half to actually visit. I had to go back to work and would not be with her during the transfer or the first few days at nursing home. Brother called and said "I really think someone should be with her as she gets settled into her new room." I said "I agree! Who is going to do it, you or your wife?" There was a moment of silence before he admitted he just thought I would do it.

WOW, Altersheim, and you still have time to hold down a job? I get angry when I read about how siblings take advantage of the situation and your good graces. My siblings do not do ANYTHING to help me, they both moved 900 miles away in different directions. But what REALLY gets my feathers flustered is when the one in Dallas tells me what and how I should be doing things. My INSTANT reaction to her is, well, if I'm not doing it like it should be done, I'll step aside and YOU can come and take over. Her reaction is, "I figured that is what you would say"...well, come on, ya visit once a year, and THEN it is only to go visit friends and go to Summerfest in Milwaukee. I haven't seen the other sister in almost FIVE years. They seem to think by verbally getting involved in things, it somehow helps the situation???
Since you are the primary caregiver for your Mom, you should sit her down and tell her you should be added to her bank accounts, it will make things go easier when you have to pay for meds, doctor appointments, etc. And keep receipts for EVERYTHING, and keep them organized in a file cabinet for future reference.

I want to thank all of you for your replies. I am sorry - I was just so stressed yesterday that I had to vent! Thank you! I do appreciate your insight - and your kindness in taking out time from your busy lives to help me! I have been taking care of my Mom for over ten years now. I know she is scared and I try very hard to be supportive but am finding I just cannot do it alone anymore. In ten years, my brother and his wife - who live one hour away - have asked Mom to stay at their house only once and that was 3 years ago because - as it turned out - they unexpectedly needed a baby sitter for their 2 year old son - then got mad when Mom was too ill and fragile to feel comfortable watching him and brought her home on the third day . We meet occasionally for birthdays etc. but they only take her (without me) to dinner when they want to borrow money. The last time they asked for 6 thousand. To top it off - my sister-in-law doesn't even bother to call Mom for her birthday, or Christmas.... Mom's had 5 surgeries in 6 years - plus numerous drug reactions and they didn't come to help her with doc appts. or see her in the hospital at all. Not once. Oh wait - my bro did take her one time. I don't ask for help anymore because everytime I have in the past they just get mad and say no.

I have included her in absolutely everything but it has gotten to the point where if I say she cannot go she keeps asking which makes me feel guilty - for example, I had to go out of town for a job interview for the day - quite stressful for me having to travel and spend the whole day presenting myself to lots of people... - and she insisted on going with me. I didn't take her - but came back to find out that that was when bro and sis-in-law stopped by to ask for money - they knew I had the interview and wouldn't be there... Funny that they always have enough time for that!

Emerald4me - I have a friend whose Dad - before they got him in a nursing home - lived by himself. He refused to leave his house and he was a horder, too. My friend and her siblings put in some cameras - with his knowledge - in the kitchen, living room, dining room... (not the bedroom or bath) so that they could check in on him throughout the day on their computers (most of his children live out of town) to make sure he was doing alright and still taking care of himself. Someone was hired to stay with him a couple of hours a day - make meals etc. The cameras were also there to make sure the helpers did what they were supposed to - as they had had difficulties in the past with helpers not showing up or not doing any work. The helpers were also informed about the cameras.

I agree with Emerald. When I can't handle Mom, I dial one of my siblings for her, and let her make them feel guilty for never coming to visit. It usually does the trick and one of them will show up.

Altersheim, I put it back on my siblings as much as possible. My mom is 75 and still lives in the house we were raised in. Never mind that it is a hoarder's mess, or that she would benefit from being around other people, she will NOT discuss a retirement home. She no longer drives. So I take her to church and grocery shopping. Anything else, I tell her to call one of my siblings. Next time she moans that you are doing something with your daughter, can you tell her to call her son and ask him when he is going to visit?

Altersheim,
If you have taken this load upon you, then you must carry it. As long as you look at your Mother as an extra wheel, you will never really find any "space". The brother and his wife, if they are nearby, should take her out to dinner or bring her over for a visit. You have to put yourself in your Mom's shoes, she is scared now, it sounds like, and she worries about you as well. I don't mean to sound condescending, but it looks like you need to adjust YOUR lifestyle to the "new" one you have now. It will probably change the way your Mom is acting if you involve her in everything. My Mom swears and yells and will not cooperate to do anything, I WISH, I could involve her in things without an argument.

When an elder gets to be too much to handle like the 78 yr. old disapearing and going to bars and not letting anyone know where she is or is driving the caregiver into an early grave that is the time to consider a nursing home-that behaivor would not be allowed there she sound out of control esp. when the caregiver does not get any help from family an elder can not be allowed to do whatever they please unless they can take care of themselves.

My 78 year old Mom lives with me. I lover her dearly. She is normally an easy going person but lately she is absolutely smothering me. She is afraid that lightning will hit through the window - despite knowing that in the last 76 years this has never happened to her. If it is raining she tells me it is too dangerous to go out to drive anywhere. If I want to go somewhere in the dark - then people will shoot me...If nothing is dangerous - then she wants to go with me wherever I go... I am a single Mom with a teenager. My brother and his wife only contact her when they want something from her. I tell her I needed space to do things - without her - such as spend some time alone with my daughter such as doing sporty things which my Mom could never do - and she starts crying, gets mad and tells me if she's not wanted then she'll just go to a nursing home... Sigh. I just want some space...

reading your last post, I recommended you to put her in a nursing home, you sound so stressful that's the best for you and for her. forget about home care or assisted living facilities(unless she is going to live there permanently and is not allowed to go out)

why don't you put in a skilled assisted living assistance or adult day care center from 8-6 everyday, so you can have a life. what about home care ask her doctor for assistance, so tell them that you need a home attendant fo12 hours daily 8-8 and you go to work or do something for yourself to enjoy your life and after you come back at 6 or 8 pm, your mom will be resting in bed or full of eating, so you don't have to deal with her that much.

Why not just file a missing persons report, and have the police find her? Then you haven't neglected her. Unless they are hurting themselves or others, what can you do? Why is she your responsibility?