My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Dear Breakdown09, hope that's the last number (no more breakdowns), lol. OK, so you won't let me call you a hero. You are a loving daughter, and doing right has it's own rewards. I applaud your maturity and good spirit.

dear anne, no hero here... i just believe in doing the right thing and doing all the time... even it is not what i want to do... sometimes that means taking care of me...please don't misunderstand about the siblings stepping up.... stepping up for them is just visiting my dad and brother... that is what i consider stepping up... at least i get a break from getting the calls... they are busy being entertained by the visitors... i am still doing all the work... but once again... a break is better than nothing... I am the care taker... they just come from out of town to visit... won't doing any of the care taking..lol... but i have learned to be grateful for not getting the calls... thanks for your input... (i am not wining just stating facts)... oh my...sometimes it seems i am wining all the time

Hey M,

Good...what better hands to be in! Sometimes I think about my siblings and wonder what's going on in their heads! Obviously nothing, just air floating around in it!!! Or we would not be carrying the full load!

Lots of hugs!!!
-jazzy

Jazzy Glad you got out of the house. I have turned my problem over to the Lord and I am sure his will get done. See I am not in control of my mother and neither is she so That leaves God and she has to figure that out for herself.Time will come.
I understand about the sibiling stuff. My bro is the same when something goes down who do they call me.Why, I will never know. Mom, barely pulled out of this last bout and he is still in denial mom is invisiable. yeah right!Then she controls him and tells him I can't stay in his house after she kicked me out her and told me to go home. I had to rent a condo for three days to get the doc note prooving what the doc said. Wait til he comes to pick up his daughter for spring break he will find out where he can't stay and that's with me. What comes around goes around don't you think. Believe me your sister will get her due.God doesn't like us not working together. Hold on girlfriend and when you go out have continie to have fun no matter what you need it. We all do. However I am not sure drinking will help it may hinder it. Find some good friends and go to a chick flick.Least it will not hurt so bad the next day.

You can spill on me anytime.
M.

Well Mendi,

It looks to me that your hands are tide...if she (your mom) wants to live the way she is, there is nothing you can do. So just enjoy life!!! I would plan even more fun things to do for myself if I were you!!! Realize dear you can only do what you can do and "no more". I'm trapped in the house with my mom almost 24/7 but an occassional trip the the store "how exciting" I wish I had the freedom that you have!!! I finally had a caregiver for 4 hours on Saturday...I had a couple of drinks and danced the night away!!! I had a blast! I know when I get a little freedom I spoil myself, because who else is going to? My sister showed up Saturday...first time in 3 months and tried to give me the third degree, asking questions about the caregiver...if she had a background check etc. The nerve of these people blow in with the wind and act like they care really pisses me off!!! If I knew my sister was coming I wouldn't have scheduled a caregiver--I could have saved those hours! But she knew I would leave the house and she would be stuck at the house for just a few hours...try 3 months, the nerve of her!!! Oh...I could go on but I'm going to spare you all!!!

Hugs!!!
Jazzy

Sounds like you have recovered from you breakdown. Good advice. Not everyone has the luxury of siblings stepping up to the plate. Blessings to you and your Dad. You, too, are a hero.

Been there... my mother was terminal three years ago... now caring for my father... he able to do alot considering the shape my mom was in... but the whole menipulation thing is where i get sucked in... some days i can catch it, but most i don't then i feel like he is a leech sucking the life out of me...
Last year i decided to start doing for myself... i didn't accomplish the task very well... but this year i have had to take the risk of hurting his feelings or calling him on his menipulation tatics... it is hard... some times i feel guility for a few days after saying no... but it has been two months now and i am finally feeling like me again... i have been doing this for 6 years now... dealing with death or dying loved ones, i forgot what being happy was like... i have been told this taking care of me..will take some time and i have to conciously beaware of the pitfalls... when i fall... to get back up and correct my weaknesses... i don't know if this helps... but when i started going out i would let his calls go to voicemail... i can check that and determine if i needed to speak with him on my time... it is hard but it helps... now that i am not jumping everytime he thinks i need to... we both are getting along a little better and i am not angry or frustrated all the time now... in taking care of myself... my siblings have had to step up a little... i had to verbally enforce that this year i was going to start living my life, so they may need to fill in...that helps too...Good luck to you...

Hi Mendi. Be good to yourself. Have you followed the ElderCare link?

Sunflower, sounds like you and your husband could use more respite or a little talk. Bless you for caring for your MIL. You are a hero. How about a night out with your girl friends for a coffee or movie? Let hubby fulfill HIS promise. The more he does, the more he'll appreciate you, perhaps (that is the hope). Tell him you need the same consideration you give him, then do something nice for yourself, like shopping or a movie, or a support group. Do you have to be there when PT and OT are there? Take a walk, etc. And know you're not alone

Where I said this in one thread and you asked what do you mean she not your mother.

I meant to say of course she is not my grandmother
Revised to what I was thinking.
Her mother was not as hard and when I mentioned her she said well I let my mom be and live by herself up til she died of course. But of course my grandmother isn't my mother is she I thought

I am caring for my 88 yr. old mother-in-law. This is a promise that my husband made to her. Seems that it is me who takes care of her meds, taking her to the Dr., making her meals, washing her clothes. She is now under home health, has a physical th. occupational th. bath lady, and rn checks 2 times a week. She does not want to do the exersize she is suppose to do on days that they aren't here. If i try to get her to do them she thinks i'm mean and she is a burden. Of course she does not say this to me she says it to her son. He and I have no privicy, no ablity to have a night out. He is able to socialize with guys at the coffee shop but i feel i have to be here all the time. Even if we do go to friends to visit, she calls and want to know when we'll be back, because she has been alone for 10 hrs., (maybe 30 mins) I need help!!!!!!! Any ideas????

Mendi, sorry it took so long to answer. I wasn't ignoring, just gone all day. I lost the thread. What about your grandmother? Hope you had a good weekend. Praying you have a good week.

Oh, Anne, I meant to say my mother is not my grandmother.OOOPS.

Hi Anne,
I don't know what to do ? I have checked into a few things and asked question. My brother is special needs also and may not know what to do?He is too a little in denial I beleive. He is some what asperger and Add with Dyslexia.So, he may not know what to do and my mother could also be in control of his feelings and thoughts allot by playing the head games with him she tries with me. I am praying that God will intervine soon and show me some guidance with all this or give me some one that can help.While ,I do research stuff. God sent me home just so I could think and meet you guys and try to figure this all out I believe. Just allot to take on and its not that I don't want to its my hands are tideso I have to figure out how to untie them.

God knows and I am sure he will is in control here and I have to let him Do his work also. One day at a time.
Our pastor said soemthing this morning that really made me think and maybe it will help you guys to think about it also.

We don't get no replays in our lives and we can only do it once. Through grace and faith, and obiendence to him we will will come out smiling but if we let law command our feelings we will be grumpy and unhappy and fighting all the time.Great sermon.
Put allot of prespective on things. So are willing to let God do his work or are we trying to fix things oursleves. Interesting thought.

When we try to help God some time we end up in a whole lot of trouble because we don't let Him be in control. Guys don't forget to let him help also.
Blessings to all,

Mendi

Dear Mendi, I feel for you. Living 400 miles away is definitely a problem, but nothing against you. Distance will definitely make it hard to help, and how can she accept your suggestions, if you can't follow through? If the Doc says she can't live alone, and knows your situation, what is he doing to help? Seems like some of the burden is on him, don't you think? What's the deal with your brother? Is he incapacitated or in denial? Often they just don't want to do what needs to be done, because it's a huge responsibility and work, and perhaps his heart is not in the right place either. Yours is, and I admire your love and concern for your mother. If you haven't gotten help from Professionals, perhaps you just haven't found the right one. Go online to "Eldercare" sites, and enter her city and see what you can find. But you would have to have authority (POA or Guardianship) in order for anyone to listen to you. That would be difficult with the distance you live away from Mom. Wow, you're in a tough place caring, but unable to affect change without that. I'm glad you have your son and hubby and do some nice things together. We are homeschooling, too. Praying for a miracle for you! Anne

Anne, I don't know that I done all I can do ?I have just started dealing with this stuff and I am new at it all .I am just not sure its the right things to do and it seemd the professionals can't help with that either.That's nothing surprising in this day and time.I live 400 miles away from my mother. I am not trying to change her I am just trying to help her because her doctor says she shouldn't be living alone or driving before she hurts someone or herself . She is just stubborn as all get out .She trys to treat herself and live on her prescriptions .By saying she is not my mother ,I mean she isn't not mother I once knew she has so much.I don't sit and ponder on what ifs. I have been trying to get help but keep hitting walls with professionals.I have done allot nice things for myself like go to Movie and spend time with my immediate family. Our anniversary is Valentines day so I am sure we will do something nice we are talking about it. I think we may renew our vows been married 20years this year. My husband ,well he doesn't say much he has his own mother to deal with and that is another story but she is doing well she is younger than my mom by 20 years and not so depressed. Got allot spunk left in her.I am not trying to change anyone I just want her to get good help and realize what the doc says . I just get bummed out when I bump into a wall or get stuck . My brother lives two blocks away and he still and doesn't want to take care of our mother (I am not sure he has the know how)but she has so much control over him. I know he has to be miserable. I would be if I had to live with it everyday day in -day out. She can be very overpowering.I just take it one day at a time I know the good Lord will here my prayers sooner or later.

Thanks for the prayers. Oh, by the way guys Push the movie is not any good kinda boring but Take we saw last weekend was really good and keeps you on your toes.Believe it or not one cuss word in Taken. Pretty good little action suspense movie.
I know my boys enjoyed it and hubby.I did to though it was scary to think about.
Have a great Sunday and thanks for the prayers Anne.

May God be with each of you.
M.

i am lost for words , i am so tired i hope somebody can help

Carol is right. Sometimes the answer is right in front of us, and fear prevents us from acting upon what we need to do. If you wait long enough, your Mom's problems will take care of themselves, then you won't have to sit around wondering what to do, you can just wish you had done something. Or you could get some free advice from a professional at a Senior Center or a Case Worker or Social Worker at some agency. Or you could ask Carol @ MindingOurElders some questions. She's brilliant, and she's been there and has lots of experience and lots of good advice. I'm impressed with her articles. They have helped tremendously! Follow her links and read that stuff, then do it!!!

If you've done everything you can, and she doesn't want to accept, and you don't want to go to court, and you don't want to call DHS, then why are you so upset? Why is what happening to you? Dementia and bad decisions happen every day to lots of people. Who do you live 400 miles away from? Siblings don't cooperate, and we can't make them. Our parents don't either, and we can't force them. Nobody says you have to call any agency. What do you mean your mother isn't your mother? What is so hard? The emotions involved? Are you trying to make her be different or see things different or somehow become reasonable and nice? Or your brother be cooperative? What do you mean you sit and worry about what to do? About what? What ifs will only make you sick if you sit and ponder them waiting for ??????? Yeah, it's sickening. But so is sitting around thinking about how sickening it is. Only you can change that. What does your husband say you should do? What are you and he going to do for Valentine's Day? What have you done nice for yourself, even when your Mom and brother won't? Here's a hug and a prayer.

I don't know what I am gone to do Jaz, I have not spoke to her in weekand half. Last words we had she was so ugly. I live 400 miles away and my brother is not cooperate. It is driving me nuts. He sides with her of course becuase she place head games with him hiding stuff. She does it with both of us but I caught on a long time ago. Its a mess. Today, my hubby was grumpy and he didn't help much either when he said the deserted me why, not him to. He was joking but I didn't find it funny. I started tearing up. This is so hard. I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to call Adult protection agency or take her to court.Its just a tuff spot to be in.
I don't know why it is happening to us. I even brrought that up to my mother . Her mother was not as hard and she said well I let my mom be and live by herself up til she dies of course. Although she was having small stroke. She lived by her self til she was 86. But of course my mother isn't my mother and she is an extremely heavy smoker and can collaspe again any day. December tthe 30th she quite breathing at 20% so now you see my worry. Allot of What If's it makes me sick to think about it all.

My brother hasn't even phoned me since I left two weeks ago so I sit here and worry about what to do.

Mendi

Wow! It's not a drive to crazy, but a short walk. It took forever for the Sec of State to finally take away my Dad's DL, but Mom had a blackout and couldn't drive for 6 months. The police told me to disable the car. We thought my husband had, only to learn later, they were still driving without licenses. Their neighbor Police Chief told me to take the keys. They had new ones made. So he told me to take their cars. I did (legally), through Guardianship and Conservatorship at the Probate Court. Someone responsible has to be in charge, and they weren't capable. Dad was taken out of the home and placed in a hospital for stabilization, then nursing home due to his behavior, not my lack of patience, or willingness to care for him. With Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, and our situation, his needs determined his care and living conditions. And Mom still lives 200 miles away in a place beyond her needs and abilities. We are the closest (and only) responsible caregivers for her, but her needs (and demands) are increasing as well. It's a short walk to crazy, but a long drive to help her. She declines every offer for help in her home (except ours, which isn't realistic), and says she "won't move" unless her (unreasonable) demands are met. We're looking at alternatives to move her closer by us, since her husband couldn't find the help he needed by her. Unfortunately, we will have to place necessity above desire. How stressful it is for all of us! And the State and court's requirements are a full-time job in themselves. Scrambling here...

It's so sad, and the devastation and loss so great, it makes us hurt.

Oh Mendi, Mendi, Mendi,

What are you going to do? ??? I hate being in that spot...not knowing what to do!!!
Have you looked into Assisted living for your mom? As for the car can you take it to the fake shop, pull the distributor cap...something?

Sometimes I think, you know this isn't fair, my mom didn't go through this with her mom. She visited her mom in the nursing home! She did ask my grandmother if she wantd her to take her home and my grandmother said no! So why are we going through this??? What happened that we are suppose to give up our lives when they didn't?! If I mention that I'm tired she starts to cry and says you act like you're tired of taking care of me!
jazzy: and I say, no, I'm just tired.
mom: are you sure?
jazzy: I'm sure, mom!
mom: cause you act like you tired all the time.
jazzy: I am.
mom:(crying).
jazzy:(wanting to scream)...this never ends.......
and so it goes...we'll play the same scene in two days....

Hang in there everybody!!!!

Well , They didn't take moms drivers license away and I am almost sure she threaten the doc if he did with a law suit or something and it scared him for telling me she had some behavioral problems. What do you think I should do now you guys? She still at home by herself, she still driving by herself. I do have a copy of the prescription the doc gave me that said she couldn't drive and couldn't live alone. Where do I go now.


Oh, you guys I am up a creek alright becuase I know if Ignore these problems it will come back to haunt me.The doc did not right or call me back this week. I am getting so tired of the runarounbd and worry.

I am glad I have you guys though you do make me laugh some times.
Jazzy hang in there. Mendi

Neon,

You're funnnnny!!!

Hey upthecreek,

While I was awarded the grant for inhome care for three months it was discovered they made a mistake, I'm not getting as many hours as I thought. So the Social Worker said to call Faith in Action they have volunteers that will come out and help around the house and respite care. Talking to them was wonderful. They also suggested that I call the County Inhome Support Care and set something up with them. It is also based on your income but it won't be as expensive as the other agencies. Or look for Not-for-profit Health Care Agencies.

Okay all have a great weekend!!!
-Jazzy

Thanks Jazzy, sounds scary. Can I request that find a in home healthcare person for her. I don't know that she is reay to go in a NHome. She is content at home and seems to be able to do some things for herself you just have to run behind her and watch her.
utcreek

Hey Jazzy, Well we have different levels of fun sometimes I just stick my head out the back door and yell to the top of my lungs and think about how ridiculous I would look to some little kid walking by and come back in just laughing my head off and of course my cats and dog say oh shit get out of her way she's lost it but mom doesn't hear it and I think thats funny, Suppose toplay cards tonight don't know that I will finally got my drugs straightened out these companies really get on my nerves if you work and have a prescription plan they screw you so I had my doctor rewrite my stuff for 3 months at a time for Wal Mart and already saved three months worth of pill money, that don't sound right does it haha pill money anyway going to sign the old man up for social security and do our taxes this week end I am just oohing and ahhing about it B O R I N G but somebody's got to do it. I just talked to Country wide needless to say I sent a email to the white house and the govenor of our state, I am going to worry the crap out of the white house wish I could get my hands on that blackberry email address LOL anyway its not his fault this started a long time ago my only fear is its going to continue a long long time and we think we have it bad now honey its gonna get lots worse before it gets better so country wide heres another one you want all the property in the united states than take it but by golly you can't take it with you anyway. Got my eye on a very large cardboard box LOL just teasing make some fun next week I'm popping Richard Simmons in the old vcr and letting her rip probably break my tape LOL you all take care and have a great week end

Hi upthecreek,

My mom was orginally in my yougest brother's care and because he became abusive to her verbally and physically, my oldest brother called APS. They asked my mom if she wanted to press charges and she declined. So they told my oldest brother they will help him find a Board and Care Home. To get her out of there "NOW". Once APS gets involved they move fast and you will need to do the same. If you can check out at least 4 Board and Care Homes and Nursing Facilities before you call them. If not they will give you a list and also, they will check on the facilites you find to make sure you loved one is going into a better situation. It moves really fast so you have to be ready and don't look back.

Hey Neon,

How are you doing? Sometimes I think, when is the last time I smiled or did something for fun...will I ever again? And then I remember, take one day at a time!

Minding our Elders,
Do they check ewith their doctors also.
Mendi

If you call adult services, they go in and check to see if they can care for themselves or if they are a danger to themselves (or each other). If that is the case, they will work to get them the care they need, likely a nursing home, but that depends on the county/state where you live. Once they are involved, they are involved. But it can be a Godsend, if you just plain don't know what to do with them.

Carol

Up
the creek,

you will you seem to have the same sense of humor and a little hutzpah gets you a lot of places.

Have any of you called adult protective services on your folks. How does that work do they just go in and get them . What happens to them.Also about DL How do you get them way from them. My mom is bent on driving to kalamazoo if she can. Neon I love you spunk and you made me laugh I hope I can return the favor one day.
M.