My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Great advice, Nauseated! Great advice all! I love you people. - you are just so smart and compasionate at the same time.
Carol

Up the creek- my son is a police officer and in the city where he works the cops get involved if they notice a driver- an eldery one driving weired. Could you arange for the moter vehical dept. give her a road test. My friend had a Mother who was having accidents and would call her son in Fla instead of her daughter who lived in a town near her in the northeast when she had an accident, the daughter called someone in her state and they road tested her and in 2 weeks her license was taken away-it is a big problem and I feel sorry for you to have to face it because noone wants to lose their independence esp. if there are no bus lines where they live. Some towns have volenteers who will drive people who need it. As for adult protective services I had experience with this one of the home care nurses reported me to ADS when my husband had come home from the hospital and we had one of two medicare home care agenicies in our county - she was upset because I would insist my husband do what he could do for himself and what he was able to do in the hospital and rehab. The nurse called ADS and the next day a car pulled up and two women got out-I was working in my gardens I thought they were social workers and tried to give them some background they did not want to hear anything when they saw me unlick the door one yelled loudly YOU LOCKED HIM IN THE HOUSE - I said no I always lock the door when I am in the back yard because we have had break-ins in our county. From then on it went down hill -the one doing the talking wanted me out uf the picture and to hire 24/7 care for him and asked who our lawyer was what bank we used and other things and that I was abusing him when I asked him to do the things he could do- when she left I was shaking- I called my daughter who works for the dept. pf social service in another county in our state and she talked to APS people where works and this women was out of line- I later found out she was not a social worker but only a case worker. I called her the next day -the case worker- and told her to come around during the day-later in the day and see him outside using a chain saw on a long pole and him lifting up flag stones and doing cement work which he usually does alone. A social worker did call and come by- he had been to see us before to help us find what help he could get for us- he said there is no abuse at all and that was the end of it. When a man running for office in the county came a few months later I told him this story and he had worked in the social service dept and he made ut a report on this women and did follow up on it. APS is there to help families-at least in my state- who are caregivers not to cause problems.

hey everybody i am here to complain again, i bought granny a remote control chair 2 weeks ago. she couldn't put the leg rest down with her old manual leaver. she would put it up and couldn't get it down. i would have to do it about 20 times a day. well this new chair only has 2 buttons up and down. the other day she woke up in the chair and had to use the potty, tried to get out of the chair with the leg rest up and the chair flipped up she did not fall out but was at a 90 degree angle that scared her now she is so confused about the chair she hates it. i told her all she has to do is put the leg rest down. i am back to square 1 she calls me to come every time when she needs to potty. i go she puts it down and back up a down and back up. i tell her its down you can get up then she pushes the button again. she really is driving me crazy. gota go see if she finished eating.

dare, put her in a straight chair give her a pillow to rest her feet on and keep a potty chair close by, it is much easier to either throw the pillow away or wash it and she'll fall asleep anyway, I know a potting in the living room is not the best decoration but it will be easier on you and anyone who knows what you are going thru will not mind as long as it is emptied , keep some water in it with a little dawn or something and there shouldn't be any smell. Make life as easy for you as possible this is not forever. Believe me I bought my dad this beautiful Queen annes chair before he died and he had his hip replaced put back in place three times and than eventually removed and every morning he was anxious tohave his fresh brewed coffee, his morning news and sit in his beautiful normal chair and look out the window at the new day. Wish my mom was that easy to please seem men are somewhat easier to please when you baby them a little, woman well woman are woman. Granny is probably scared and unsure so try that bring home a catalogue and let her pick out the chair I know my mom has just blown up two microwaves and my stove is computerized and she is confused when using them and they are so easy for us but older people just can't seem to wrap their minds around things they aren't used to. Good luck and much love and prayers to you neon

Dear neonwocky, I love your heart of compassion and tenderness for others. What a treasure and joy you are. That touched my heart and lightened my day. What great advice, as you're a pretty wise lady, too.

Dear Dare, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, I pray it gets easier for you, and that God comforts you in the meantimes. Blessings to you.

And blessings to all. You ladies are heroes!

Hi Anne, I try but know I fall short everyday. I pray for guidance hourly. It seems the closer you are to the situation the harder it is. Thats why this site is so helpful to me. I try differnet things , don't try too many especially if the old folks get confused but one thing I have learned after taking care of mother in law dad and now mom is try to make them feel part of things even when they don't want to and make things as normal as possible, All the new fangled stuff they put on the market for elders is confusing and if they have to leave their home making their things a part of your home is a pain sometimes but makes them feel more comfortable and wanted. We all want to feel wanted. Thats just common sense. Of course, when you are dealing with a controller thats a whole new ball game I've had two of them. But have to say this is my home you are welcome here and I will share most everything I have but when you get down to it they need to be warm, they need decent meals and they need comfort and some form of entertainment. They also need to know that we are close by and a pet helps I have noticed with my mother she seems to like animals more than people and thats okay, I just pay attention and do a little spying which unfortunately you have to do like having kids so you know what to tell their docs especially if they are like my mom and everything is fine when she sees the doc until we get home and its complain complain complain so I make notes get sneaky this time I told him to ask her for a urine specimen so we could talk he said he would I just give the facts just like Dragnet LOL and listen to what he has to say he knows she does not follow his orders and thats that. I am so greatful for this site to know that there is a whole colony of us and growing by the day. I wonder what will happen to us baby boomers? My son says he will always be there for me he is such a good son but I don't want him putting his life on hold for me just come see me and make me laugh thats the best medicine, fortunately I can laugh at myself others cannot they take themselves too seriously and once they get into themselves and their health declines thats where they stay. Well guess I've said enough I am always open to new information for me education is power whether for me mom or someone else. Love to you all and keep up the good work, don't forget take a soaky bath light a candle, take a walk around the house see if anything has popped up out of the ground make up some hummingbird juice anything that makes you happy if you take small doses of happiness eventually they add up to a great big pot of happiness. Neon

It's snowing here in Northern Michigan, but I keep looking for something popping up. Unfortunately, lately it seems to keep being some crisis with my family. The decline through dementia and Alzheimer's is incredible. I laugh when possible, but can't help crying at times, too. I'm so grateful for this site, and others, and the ones God put into our lives to bring a little joy and encouragement along the way. Hope it works that way with all of you as well. Many prayers and blessings on your day! :)

Oh boy snow, I love snow and you're all probably sick of it, I hail from MD which gets quite a bit of its own not as much as michigan tho. But now I live in Ga and snow is either hit or miss, I love walking in the snow, snow always brings me happy memories of sledding with my sons and making stupid snowmen and igloos and tunnels thru the yard and cooking. yes dementia is a terrible thing I am glad you can cry I am learning to again, I cried so many tears when my son disappeared and they found him 23 days later dead I thought I'd never cry again but am starting to. self preservation builds walls. Hot chocolate with whipped cream ooh lala. send us some snow anne I am sure my husky/shephard would love some to. thanks for sharing

Neon, Anne ,
Thank yall so much. Granny sleeps in the chair. Her legs and ankles are so swollen everyone tries to tell her to get in the bed, but she refuses. she says all of her stuff is in the living room, even her potty (we use plastic bags with pinesol water) i just don't know which way to turn, she is scared of the bed and every chair has a problem too low too high too puffy she comes up with all kinds of problems she has 8 different chairs in her suite. we tried the straight chair with the foot stool she hated that. Any other advice please somebody help me.

sleeping in the chair is not good for her hips thats how come dad broke his slept in his recliner wouldn't get into the bed. Do you have a hospital bed? Could you bring that in and put some of the chairs in storage? Legs are probably swollen because she isn't walking right? I am sure you have discussed this with her doctor! what about putting her in a wheel chair and moving her from room to room a couple of times a day is that too confusing for her. Sounds like she's kinda given up sad to say! I know this is very frustrating for you. Let me google what to do when someone sits in chair all the time see what we can find. How old is she?

try this website to see if you can find some answers dare or anyone for that matter we need all the education we can get

Neon she will be 94 next month. i do not have a hospital bed, her bed is remote control,but it has no rails. we do have a wheel chair, she says it uncomfortable even with a memory foam pillow.i really do try. she does not walk, she quit in November. she said she was scared even with me there. The home health nurse and doc told her she needs to get in the bed. she will probably get sores on her if she move around. This woman is determined right or wrong to have her way. its her way or no way

i did go to that site we do have council on aging here i went through the process with paw paw they said he was approved mailed me a letter saying when a what all they would do and never came i called repeatedly left messages for a month to this day nothing i am in louisiana i didn't have the entergy or time to write or call the govenor or DHHS. thats a whole other story

Dare, sometimes you can only do what you can do. When you peak at the top of the mountain there's no higher to go. Her will and her choice is just that hers. Sometimes its sad to watch them make their choices. Sometimes its out of sheer stubbornness. Other times its out of lack of knowledge. Perhaps if you approached her with a "Mom, I'm sorry to be so nagging, but I'm really concerned about your legs. The doctors say that if you don't get circulation you could lose them or something more could happen." Would she be receptive to that kind of approach? Have the doctors tried to help intervene?

Dare, just reassure yourself that you're doing all possible. You can't force her to do thing one beyond her choices. At least let that get into your heart. We're here to help with ideas, but beyond a free will there is nothing else.

Neon... I'll let you come here and enjoy our house. Because of the way our house is positioned, we usually get double of what everyone else gets! Get to it before my husband whips out that snow thrower!

thanks mitizipinki, yes she knows she could lose her legs, her sister stayed in a recliner at the nursing home she had one leg amputated and they were goning to amputate the other leg the next day but she died the night before she is aware. i also love the snow. we had snow Dec. 11th 2008 before that it was 19 years it rarely snows here. my lab loved it.

oh mitzi if I only could by the time I got there it would be time to get back and get back to work LOL Yes, unfortunately if they are bound and determined and especially at her age its her way or no way and there really isn't alot you can do about it but watch her go down hill, Unfortunately that is the way of things, Love to you and have a great week end

Thanks ladies, I'd love to share some snow, but can only share my grief. My 8yr old and I visited Dad at the nursing home this morning only to find he'd had "an episode." A seizure due to his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease. I thought I'd lost him because he wasn't responding, but he pulled out if it, and let me feed him lunch. It was a nightmare

Try #2... Sorry to post on "She's Driving Me Crazy," but wanted to respond to you dear ladies. Sorry to hear about your brother, Neon. Praying for you Mitzi and Dare. Gotta dash back to Dad now that hubby's home. Thanks, A

((((((Anne))))))) Our hearts and prayers go with you as you read this post. Just try to breathe and relax during this difficult time.

Dear Mitzi, thanks! Ever since I posted on this thread, I was feeling guilty or convicted about posting "wrongly." lol (Like Mother always said...) How absurd! (Like a bad girl!) How damaging can a parent's past statements be????? And I was also thinking, why I did not call my Mother 200 miles away to tell her about her husband having seizures today? Anybody want to guess? Since we seem to have similiar situations with our Mothers... I guess I didn't want to set myself up for more grief (of a different kind) from Mom. I'm finding there are people with whom it just is not safe to share my true and deepest feelings. (Though learned that lesson long ago and ran from her throughout childhood.) Mom and Grandma taught that "Children Should be Seen and Not Heard." and for the longest time I believed them, but despised every minute of it. Though I grew up and learned it was a lie, and now it's hard to shut me up! But I am also learning that even though there are some people with whom it is not safe to share my feelings, (especially with Mother), that there is literally a treasure storehouse of people who care, and are supportive. Thank you ladies for being there when the going gets rough! And thank you Lord for them!

up the creek, Here hold on to one of my oars, (paddles) Brother is in his world, mother is in her world, neither will cooperate, I don't mean this to sound cruel, but leave them alone, It will work out one way or the other. You are entitled to live your life, My mother never did a thing to help her parents nor did my father, and I have wondered to what is in me to think I have to do this. I don't! I choose. or I chose as may be the case. Anyway You can't make people be what you want them to be. Enjoy your husband have some fun, worrying will NOT change the situation. If something happens to your mom ,which its going to eventually ,someone will let you know. Than you do what you know to do. Sometimes its best to leave people to their own devices. There have been many times I wish I would have left my Parents in Maryland to live their lives and make their own decisions, they were only too happy for me to take over the responsibility. Especially my Dad and he is gone now and I got along better with him than mom, go figure. You are in my thoughts and prayers, you can't change what they don't want to change, you know your heart, let your mother and brother know theirs. Its their resposibility to own up to what is in their heart. My husband always says I try to change the world one person at a time. I thought about that do you know how many people are in this world. I help the ones that want the help the ones that want to be users I flip off and leave the rest to themselves. Cuz I can't take care of everybody and neither can anyone else. XOXOXOX

i am so glad i found this site. i pray that i can find some release here. my mother is driving me crazy . i don't know how much longer i can do this. she argues with me about everything, sometimes we get into screaming at each other. I can't leave her alone , she has to have someone with her at all times. I have no life of my own. My mother does nothing for herself, it all falls on me to do . All she wants to do is sit in her chair & watch tv & it has to be her shows, which means i have to watch whatever she wants to watch . And the story goes on & on. I don't know how much more i can take of this . I love her with all m heart , cause she is my mother after all. But what about me ????

Thanks Neonwocky,
This has been exactly what I have done it has been 7 weeks since I spoke to any of them. Hard buit true. I just bout don't have the desire to anymore.My husband says, I am worng for letting them do what they want. Well if I am only time will tell.
I just have to wait it out. It is in Gods hands and not mine now.I can't fix the world and I know that all to well.This has been really hard to take and hurtful to some point but I know all will turn out for what God wants and none of us. That's what it really boils down to.Though she has broken my heart and split the family up , I just know what eklse to do but let it go. Sad but true.
I love them but I can not answer for them.

Thanks for the support and please pray that I will keep the peace that God has given me through this and it will continue.

Dear overwhelmed2, I hear you about the Mom thing. Mine has been arguing with me for 50 years. Is there anyone to help you with Mom? Is there any other options for you? Hard situation to be in. Can't she have her own TV in her own room? What about you? Do you get peaceful time to yourself at all? Is she at your house or are you at hers? Sounds like a tough situation. I have been dealing with 2 with Alzheimer's and dementia, and it does get crazy sometimes. There are a lot of great people here though, and there's lots of great ideas for handling the different problems. I hope you find comfort in that you are not alone, and you have a place to voice your frustrations. Welcome! Thanks for sharing part of your story. I hope your needs are met here. Anne

Upthecree,, you are not wrong, did you ever hear the addage, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it, well that's exactly where you are. Until they understand what they are doing you have no control. You are exactly right it is in Gods hands. Always come here and voice your feelings and opinions we all have them and they help some but not all. Thats the way of things. Anne I feel for you I dealt with alzheimers in the 1990's my husbands mother boy that was a ride. My kuddos go out to you. It takes a lot of strength and mental security to deal with that. I also hope you find comfort here as well. I have been reacting differently to my mother and it seems she is not so into herself and she even helped me cook supper tuesday night that is a big breakthrough at my house. I have been giving her a hug everynight before I go to bed she is a night owl. I need my sleep have to work still so need to take care of me so I can take care of her. Until things change I with her I will continue to do this although she spends quite a bit of time alone but she does enjoy my dog and cats and they are company for her and I feed the birds outdoors she enjoys watching them and the squirrels. So that is something besides TV. She gets a large dose of TV to which is her life. She lives vicariously thru her soap operas. Whatever works ya know. I know things will change i have two more years to go before I can retire and will work part time if at all possible but it will depend on what happens with mother funny how we rearrange our lives to accomodate everyone but ourselves until then I will continue to be a part of my community, church and play cards on friday nights to save my sanity. and get out and have some semblence of my life. It makes all the difference in the world. Love to you both neon

NEON- ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE ON THE TARGET-WE CAN NOT CHANGE PEOPLE, The husband is in rehab again-I did tell him on Sun, that I will not stay home with him 24/7- I am very sorry I know most of you on this site indeed do that and I do admire you for doing that but if you had the choice would you again- I hope I am not making you good friends upset me saying that, but he has abused me for most of our marriage-now it is verbal but it still hurts he tried to get into the N.H. that kicks him right out but I called the hospital S.W. and set her straight and he went to the one that the social workers GET IT about his behaivor,

Austin,, good for you!!!!! Yes, if I had to do it all over again I would do it just like I am doing, I can't take care of anyone unless i am up to my full self. That includes, rest, meals, fun time, alone time once I know I can be myself I can do anything and deal with it emotionally without getting angry, frustrated and depressed. i feel so much better since I made that decision and the people I work with appreciate it as well, no one likes working with a bear. you are NOT an Ogre and no one needs abuse of any kind, we have enough day to day things to deal with like stupidity in a store, which just a short story I took pictures of the snow we got on March 1. took camera (throw away bought at Rite Aid) in on the 3rd, on the 4th they told me they would send it out that night couldn't be done in the store, okay I'm a reasonable person I understand that when will it be in Oh by Monday, Okay no problem, Monday I go to collect the pictures and guess what they haven't been sent out yet, so I got on line and gave Rite Aid a piece of my mind and told them what idiots they had working for the photo center and they needed to look up the phrase, customer service, they can call me when the pictures are done I am not going back and told them so and I will not go back to purchase anything no matter how convenient it is for me, I will drive 12 miles to another store to do this if i need to have it done. Told them they could take their customer service and do as they please, because they do as they please anyway. Well that felt better again. LOL Well good Glad the social workers have his number he will find no one else will put up with his behavior and you don't have to either God gave you a life to and he doesn't want you to be a door mat for anyone. Later neon

I don't want you to think it takes just one thing to set me off twice before Rite Aid exposed my film and I lost two rolls of film and they told me it was because I bought the wrong camera?????

Wow, Austin, when you talk about the abuse for most of your marriage, and now you are supposed to give up your life to care for him - that has got to have hit a lot of targets. You are right on that all caregivers need to care for themselves, to be their best. When someone is faced with what you are doing, it's even more important.

When a person is caring for a parent or spouse with whom they always had a loving connection, it's hard work. But when a person is caring for someone with whom they had an abusive past, it's even more important to take care that what you are doing ir right for everyone. This is a huge challenge not everyone can face.

Hang in and keep sharing you story. You are helping so many.
Carol

MOE THANK YOU FROM TNE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOUR WISDOM THO=IS MORNING MY SISTER SAID WHY AM I TAKING IN HIS W/C AND OTHER HEAVY EQUIP. WHEN THE DOC SAID NOT TO LIFT HEAVY THINGS SO I CALLED THE REHAB PLACE AND ASKED IF HE WAS OUT OF BED AND NEEDED HIS EQUIP. AND THEY SAIS HE IS NOT OUT OF BED BECAUSE HE HAS NO CLOTHES I SAID HE HAD PLEANTY AT THE HOSP WHICH I TOOK IN BEFORE SURGERY AT LEAST 6 DAYS WORTH-THEY SAID THEY NEVER ARRIVED-CALLED THE HOSP. THEY HAD SENT ALL HIS BELONGINGS-CALLED THE REHAB BACK AGAIN AND THEY WERE THERE. NEON -I LOVE YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING-BLESS MYOU- I HAVE TO TAKE HISPHONE OVER TODAY AND HIS EQUIP, BUT SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO SLEPT IN FOR ME,