My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

What does everyone do with the guilt? I can tell you that being a caregiver for a total stranger is much easier. Than loved ones. How sad. Thank y o u for the replies.

Ditto!!! All of the above!!! We could trade moms n we could never tell the difference.. except mine has become that extremely mean old lady.

Nina guilt is in our heritage lol I got so used to it, I it doesnt work anymore.. I have no guilt moms needs comes before mine.. and she gets everthing before myself.. she has become my child..

I so needed to read these different comments today. I am caregiving for my mother in my home and I am getting so horribly resentful of it all. I have only one younger brother and my mom has always despised his wife despite their 40 plus year marriage so staying at my brothers isn't an option. My mom has always been a difficult and depressed person and negative about everything. It was actually a relief to read that other people have similar complaints about their parent. I try to be the dutiful daughter but lately I find myself getting short with her and then feeling guilty about it. I was raised to say yes mam and no sir and to never contradict or dispute either of my parents no matter how wrong they might have been so now when I lose my patience or say anything back to my mom I suffer with guilt as well as her cold shoulder silences for a couple of days. I wonder if I will ever have a life again. I have always been responsible for someone and am getting tired of it all frankly. My husband is kind and helpful but I know he is annoyed with her living with us as well. It's only been three years but seems like much longer. My mom is only 81 but has acted and lived as if she was much older even when she was younger. Refuses to go anywhere or do anything and always has been miserable. She has COPD from a lifetime of smoking but fortunately quit a year ago. My mom would never consider any independent living arrangement or even having someone share her home with her so I suppose she is here for the duration or until I die whichever comes first. She has given title to her house to my brother as he has been down on his luck almost all his life and she wants her home to stay in the family plus he has always been the favored child I suppose. I don't care actually as I am a retired professional and my husband and I have a nice home and are doing well and it's actually a relief in a way cause we have paid her house taxes and insurance for the last ten years and I won't have to worry about continuing to do that at least. Sorry for the rambling, it just feels good to speak out. I really wish she would go live with my brother at least half the year so we could travel but it's just not going to happen which is probably why I'm getting more irritated with her and my brother. I had thought maybe she would try living with my sister in law at least if it was back in her own home. A disclaimer here because I have never witnessed my sister in law doing anything that would create the animosity my mom has always had for her. But it's there and she ain't going there ever and she is all in a huff with me because I had the nerve to tell her she was wrong about something last night. I'm glad for this site. I just wish I had more backbone.

Pamgman, it's very hard to grow a backbone when you keep getting squashed.

I love how your mother moves out of her house and gives it to your brother because he's down on his luck, but doesn't think that you should even have the option of enjoying your own house and your own retirement with your own husband without her squatting all over your life.

Don't suppose your husband would consider being the Bad Cop for you, would he?

Oh he likely would but then she would NEVER speak to either of us again and the fall out would be worse than it is presently. Thanks for the suggestion however. I will just have to suck it up and keep going for now. But I have promised myself and my three children that I will never do this to them. I volunteer at senior residential care facilities with an exercise for balance program and I have a very dear friend who moved to a beautiful place. I will have no problem hopefully knowing when the time is right for me to go to one. But my mom has always thought they are horrible. I can't even get her to go with me to one for one of the activities. Honestly I hope I don't live to that point in my life but if I do I think I may embrace the community spirit and activities if possible.

But Pam...

Suppose your husband suddenly sprouts horns and cloven hooves and sends her packing. You say the fallout would be worse than it is now. But, surely, the fallout would be taking place in her nice facility, not in your home, and you wouldn't even be there to see it unless you chose to, which is kind of the whole point of the exercise. So how could it be worse?

Instead of which, your plan to deal more reasonably with your mother revolves around your not taking after her when the time comes by expecting similar sacrifices from your children. Well, of course I don't disagree about not burdening your children. I just don't see how that gets mother off your back now.

I can't take much more with my elderly mothers antics she has never been a good mother since I was a child and been abusive I never had a good life with her or my stepfather and left the house when I was 17 living with friends then a youth hostel until I got my own flat now with my partner of nearly 23 years and we have two boys who I love.
I've had contact through the years with my mother but she has caused trouble fell out with me and is very bitter.
Recently my step father has been admitted to hospital and because she is frail I've being taken her up in a taxi to see her and going shopping she has been very demanding that I drop everything and falls out with me if I can't manage at times to go up there other people that can visit too.
The other day she said she couldn't go up as she had a sore foot I offered to go up myself and see him which I have done before me and my step dad was never like a father just ignored me through my life my real dad left when I was 6 weeks old but I wouldn't wish illness on anyone and have a heart.
Anyway she didn't go to the hospital and neither did I because I said I would go the next day
She phone Phoned me this morning saying that she was going and if I could walk up and take her bins out for which I said I would do I said I would phone the hospital to go up earlier as I couldn't manage later as my teenage son was watching my young son and couldn't later so she went in a mood saying she wasn't going anymore because it wasn't suiting her then asked that I just go up which I said I would she then phone back saying that she would now go and demanded why I couldn't could go later I told her that I had my own life to and a young son which I already told her I had to be there for she then got quite abusive and said that'you couldn't go yesterday either'it was her that said she couldn't go because she had a sore foot.
She then told me to forget it and hung up the phone on me my hearts nearly coming out my chest with stress she is causing me it's her way or the high way and if she doesnt get want she want she falls out with me I've been nothing but good to her and she has been nasty to me all my life I've hoped that she would change but never does she has called me names threw things at me put me down calling me a bastard and how she should have left me with my dad I've had to see my doctor and a councillers because of the abuse I blame myself for keep going back but because the type of person I am I feel sorry for her because she is older and frailer but to this day she still becomes nasty and horrible I'm at the end of my tether I prayed that I could have been born with a caring father and mother but never had the only consolation that I had my gran and papa who were like a mother and father when their were here and miss them so much I've nobody to talk to apart from my partner who is understanding but not here all the time

I can't take much more of my mother we have never got on she was abusive to me since I was a child and calling me for everything and how she should have left me with my father I left the house at seventeen but would go back and forth and always be abused with her nasty behaviour
I stayed in a hostel for nearly years and with friends until I get my own flat.
My mother is a very selfish woman and had always thought of herself my sister and I were always put on the back burner and not treated very good we would get battered and called names.
My gran was more of a mother but she is no longer here.
I've been with my partner for nearly 23 years and we have two children 19 and 11 my partner and I both work and my mum since my step dad got taking in to hospital two months ago had became very demanding telling me I have to take her up to the hospital when it suits her and if it wasn't she would fall out with me slam doors or hang up on me.
I don't particular like my mother but I have a good heart and wanted to help but everytime I do it gets flung back in my face it's being happening for years and I'm so sick of it recently I told her I wasn't well along with my younger son when she was expecting me to take her up to the hospital I do t drive so have to walk up to hers then she gets a taxi on that particular day I wasn't feeling up for it and said this her reply 'I don't feel too good myself Ive got a blister on my heel'she doesn't care about anyone apart from herself anyway I took her up offered after to take her shopping which she refused she went in her house got no thanks then slammed the door on me.
I was so angry I walked home and phoned her and told her that I won't be helping her again and to get someone else she became abusive  said that I was a nasty B and how I only wanted her money I resent her saying that as i don't need her money she thinks cause she has some savings it's the be all and end all I ended swearing at her and hung up I've never swore at her ever until now I stopped taking her calls took her up some shopping and out it in her kitchen then left with pout speaking to her I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and the abuse has taking its toll and how I've a family to look after and work too she has tried to phone but after waking up during the night recently with a anxiety attack I dont want to speak to her my stomach is turned with her I had to go and see a counciller years ago because of the way she acted towards me phoning constantly being nasty and abusive com I got round to my house drunk spreading nasty rumours about me.
I am 50 and worn out she is 74 a but frailer but a nasty mind and tongue always been like this.
I feel guilty though that I'm not helping her cause that's the type of person I am but what do I do ? I am stressed to the hilt myself and anxious my sister said she would go down and see her but hasn't and my step brother lives in another country I just want my life back I never spoke to her for six years at one point u felt more free but in that time she still tried to contact me and be abusive when I wouldn't speak to her 
She has never been a caring loving mother and after  what she said to me the other day it's confirmed she will never change I don't want to be her carer either and I feel that's exactly been left my step dad who was never a good step dad won't be getting out of hospital and she is on her own but I feel I can't and don't want to be part of her life someone please help feel so down and depressed what do I do? 

OMG ! Mirror image of my current life. I just can't see myself living like this much longer at her beck and call three meals a day plus snacks . I am her house keeper, food Shopper, cook.
I am her Uber 4 doctor's appointment, hair cuts, manicurist . Even helping her elderly friends with their shopping needs . Never ends and she never ever says thank you EVER !
I don't know why I keep on doing this to myself I bring her long time friends over for dinner parties once a month that she can stay connected ( she has mid-stage dementia ) cleaning up after her is in itself a full-time job. I've left behind my grown children ,my partner all to make her comfortable. Can't hold on much longer I need to look into Memory Care Facilities . I hang on because I did this to myself I am the eldest of a large family and have always been the responsible one taking care of others so I took this position naturally.
Boy oh boy I regret it now .
Does anybody have any experience with placing a parent in Memory Care ?
PS . She was not a very nice mother she was physically and mentally abusive throughout my childhood until I left home when I was 15 but I have a strong sense of loyalty and it's my nature to nurture.

I am so grateful for this site. When I start feeling angry, overwhelmed and resentful, I get a glass of wine and read posts that make me feel I am not alone, I am not a horrible person, and I could have it much much worse. I laugh, chuckle and empathize with the writers and feel somewhat better. At least for awhile. Thank you

Omg I am not alone. My mother was born with Cerebral Palsy but was able to walk and marry and have kids. She is a huge Narcissist and only has ever thought about her self. An awful mother that as soon as my brother and I were old enough to clean and cook she stopped and made us do all the work. The last 20 years she has laid in her bed and made my poor father take care of her. Fast forward to last Sept. She developed Sepis from horrible hygiene and wearing diapers 24 hours a day. She called for an ambulance without even saying anything to my dad. She was in intensive care for a week. In that week she basically treated my dad like sh*t calling him names and such thinking she didn't need him anymore. She than went in Rehab and thought she would love being waited on 24/7 but really found out being in a nursing home was not all CNA's waiting on her 24/7 but got treated just like any other person not a Queen. A week after my mother went to rehab my dad ended up getting put in intensive care than the same rehab as my mom. When she got released I made the mistake of not having go to a permanent nursing home. So we have their 3 bed 3 bath home thoroughly cleaned and brought her to her house with a 24 hr live in lady. My dad was doing terrible in rehab so we brought him home so he could see his dog and live out his days. He died 5 days after he got home while I was out of State. The live in lady said my mother was yelling and treating him terrible. I talked to my dad minutes before he died and told him if he was ready to go he could and he did. So now I am stuck taking care of 2 households and working full time. She is mean and nasty to the live in and now wants to get a different to abuse. Mad at her because she dared asked for a week off. This poor old lady taking care of her for 8 months and keeping her house clean and dog taken care off does a great job but has bad English and my mom won't even try to understand her is now out of a job. Nobody is gonna be able to last long if they speak English and hears what she says and behaves. My brother has basically washed his hands of her and only seen her maybe 5 times since Nov. I just want to run away. If she hadn't any money it would be easier to make her go to nursing home but she has plenty and won't budge.