She died all alone, in a strange place and probably suffered. I am living with so much guilt and can not get over this.

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Please help me! I have been my mother's caregiver for many years. We have never had the best relationship, but I loved her. I always took care of her and put her above my own family. Things got a little rough, and I sent her to a nursing home for a few days so I could recharge. As her caregiver, I felt that I truly needed this time as my patience was running thin and she needed a break from me as well. She was completely coherent when she was transferred and thought we were going on a trip. She died on the third day. I am living with so much guilt and can not get over this. She died all alone, in a strange place and probably suffered. I was always there for her... never leaving her side. However, I let her down in the end. How will I ever get over this.... Just needed to vent... anonymously. I haven't been able to share this with any of my friends as I am too ashamed. I let my mother down.

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Lizzy, I'm so sorry you lost your mom and the pain you're going through now. Let me hold your hand.

How could you have known she'd pass away in your absence? You couldn't. Would you have taken a respite from your caregiving duties had you known? Of course not!

You took good care of your mom all these years. Care-giving is stressful. We all need a break sometimes; we're only human. Your mom's death was not your fault. You didn't let her down. How fortunate your mom was to have such a devoted daughter!

We don't know she suffered, any more than we know she felt alone when she passed. Maybe; maybe not. Death and the circumstances surrounding death are unpredictable. Even the doctors get it wrong sometimes.

No blame. No guilt. You are a wonderful daughter!
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Lizzywizzy,
At a time when your Mom was coherent, she released you to go on a trip.
Think of it that way. If you hang onto this guilt, reworking it around in your mind, this will make you very ill.
The pressures must have been intense for you and her both as she was nearing the end.
Think of her as making you go, to get on with your life.

So very sorry for your loss.

Join others on here who have been through this, get support! Just hang out with us for awhile if you can.
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You did not let your mother down and try your best not to think that. You did what was best for yours and her mental health. It was just her time and try to accept that.
When my mother was dying and in her hospital bed, I just went down the hall to the bathroom and into a waiting room to make a phone call. My wife came in and told me mom was gone. I wasn't out of her room 5 minutes and she went. It just happens when it happens. I have no guilt over not being with her but was saddened at the time as I did want to be with her when she passed....but it was not to be. Don't be so hard on yourself as there is nothing to do about it. Be positive for tomorrow and look forward to the future.
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Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it and most of my friends just haven't experienced losing a parent. My faith tells me that I had no control over this and the advise you all have given me is exactly what I would give to someone else. But for some reason, I just can't seem to practice what I would preach in this situation.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I do want you to think of this- your mom was obviously front and center in your life. The excellent care you gave her is what kept her here for so long, longer than perhaps she'd ever imagined. She finally joined her family above. No one can get an extra day than they have already been alotted. It was hertime and she loved you.
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Lizzy, you are not in any way to blame. You did the responsible thing taking a break so you would be strong enough to continue providing this care. You did not kill your Mom. As others have said it is very common for someone to die the minute they are alone.
Rest your mind about Mom suffering. If her breathing was so bad she died of respiratory failure it would have been almost instantantanous. It is also possible that dead was caused by a pulmonary embolism. (blood clot in the lung., again very fast and no suffering. The canular may also have just fallen off when she died and her head fell sideways. No one was there but even if they had been there would be little they could have done. If you believe you are never alone. I believe there are angels or already passed loved ones who come down to guide you to heaven.
The main will ease in time hard as it is now but the thing to remember is that you did not cause this but your feelings are natural and normal. Blessings.
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Daughter1930's story could be mine--g-ma was in a nursing home so mom could take a little break--and she passed all "alone" in this strange place. BUT, as we were told over and over, had she been "home" she probably would have hung on much longer, in pain, slowly dying and feeling like she needed to Be there for all of us. MANY people wait until they are alone, to pass. I think they need the privacy, but whatever--it is not uncommon.

The love you have for your mom is not on bit diminished by the fact you weren't right there when she passed. Love goes on forever. You did her great service while she was alive.

I am sorry for your loss.
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I am sorry for you Lizzy.
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Oh Lizzy, how awful. What a terrible, terrible thing.

I don't think anything anyone can say is going to convince you that you cannot be blamed for what happened. Doesn't make any difference how reasonable it was for you to need time off; how correct you were to think that there ought to have been benefits for both you and your mother from some time out; how careful you were to choose the right level of care.

In the event, you turned your back and look what happened. You must be in pieces about it.

So I suppose I would just like to sit next to you and join in wishing it hadn't turned out like that for your mother. If we can't persuade you it wasn't your fault, does it help to know that almost every one of us has memories of things we wish we'd done differently?
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I think looking to assign blame is a natural part of grief, but please don't allow yourself to get bogged down in feelings of guilt. She is gone now and her suffering is over, I'm certain she was grateful for your loving care and wouldn't want you to dwell on the circumstances of her final moments. Accidents like this can happen at home just as easily as it does in a care facility, this WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
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