Yesterday was a hellish day. The caregiver needed my help with a few things, which was fine, but mom did not hesitate with her “get this get that, why do you sound like that, stop with your attitude “ (I didn’t have one.). So that visit was super short.
l left and said I’d be back Sunday. Not tomorrow, a whole day later. Mom's eyes started moving fast like she was trying to think of something but I said it again, “See you Sunday.”
It finally has gotten my attention that my other loved ones are in second place (figuratively speaking). No more. Mom has a caregiver, it’s gonna be super expensive for her, but it’s cost me more than money.
I wish she could have been different but I’m done wishing. I’m done saying "doesn’t she understand?" She doesn’t. The caregiver was on her way back and when I told her I had commitments and had to leave she shouted, “It’s always about you!”
It is now. The pain of the past is not going to dictate my future.
I recommended a new poster read your threads yesterday; know that you are helping others.
Difficult people say and do really hurtful things, we all sadly know it, been there, heard it. But I had a massive breakthrough over the weekend to finally FINALLY remember it has nothing to do with me. And, I have agency as an adult to say, "Oh no, we're not doing that attitude with me today." I'm not scared or afraid of her outbursts anymore. It's appalling when they come from her (especially of sound mind), but I also have a sound mind that knows what to do now. I've gotten over the, "she's my mother she shouldn't do this," and turned it into, "Oh lord she's back on her bul-s--t again." Hang up the phone, or start the ignition. Space and time mean more to me now.
I'm sorry she turned out this way, truly. But she had many opportunities not to, and hoped that we'd all just swoop in. It's an unfortunate cycle of "If I stay sick people come around me and see me more." Just today I was told by the CG who asked her if she wanted to try some small bed exercises or even try a short walk down the hall.
"Oh no, not today."
That oughta tell ya.
She blames me for her insomnia (which she does not have) she says she hasn't slept a single night since I married into the family. Obviously this is not possible, not probable at all.
I tried setting strong boundaries, for her as well as me-but they just didn't stand. No matter what I did for her, it was thrown back in my face as being 'all for you'--when in fact, NOTHING has been 'all about me'. I went through cancer a couple years ago and she claimed I was doing it for 'show' and 'attention'.
After that, I simply realized I could not have any kind of a relationship with her, so I don't. DH has to go visit alone and he is semi-angry b/c when he goes, it's all on him. He's offered to PAY ME to go with him, that's beyond ridiculous.
She's 92. Angry, mean and so filled with hate for so many people. It's been a sad life that she has CHOSEN and I have CHOSEN to not be a part of it.
Now the time may come that the caregiver can't work for her anymore, at which point I told them both, "That's ok we'll find another." You should have seen both their faces.
Not playing. Seriously I'm not playing here.
And then it often takes an act of God to actually SEE the truth! Or we have to be hit over the head with a hammer and suffer a giant bruise to have that AHA moment, right?
Glad you are seeing the light and looking after yourself now. Take some time off for you and your family and when you do go back to visit mom, your frame of mind will be a bit more relaxed, so it's a win-win. That's what I found after 10+ years of dealing with my mother and her care.
I would feel the same way too in that situation. It's hurtful to hear these words from your mom when you've taken the time to check on her.
You've done the right thing by stepping back. Your mom is fortunate to have a caregiver in place many don't.
My mom also takes me for granted. I tried to be so unconditional and sensitive and do her bidding. But it's a mistake. I am so short tempered after decades of this.
I know it's hard having boundaries but they are necessary.
What will be left of you when your mother REALLY needs help and advocacy--when she's older, frailer, more ill, in the hospital and suffering from something fatal? That's when the real work starts.
You've hired help to get her bidding done. Step away; the time to give helps with her needs will come soon enough.
Good luck. You can do this. And ONLY YOU can do it. This is your choice for your one and only life. Make it a good one.