Mom with dementia makes up stories that she believes are true.

My father-in-law makes up stories and then gets violently angry about them. Like "you won't do this" or "your kids did that". He swears and calls us bi::::: and fu:::ers and says he doesn't ever want to see your faces again.

I'm a CNA for a dementia patient. My trouble starts when she spreads these stories and embellishes them. She is quickly running out of friends who are patient and resilient enough to throw off the vicious lies she makes about them. I am now trying to go away when she gets into saying terrible things about those who dare the most for her. She has gotten a bit clinging to me and attacks anyone who will replace me for just a few hours.

My brother called this morning. I put it on speaker phone so they could talk and I could work. They talked about 20 minutes. Oh, gosh, at the mix of stories that were being told. My mother has time compression, so blends things like Hannah's MIL does. It makes part truths into fibs, though it isn't on purpose. She made it sound like she was happily going on walks until recently when she had a stroke and fell and caused back problems. That was the last 15 years pushed into a single incident, and there was no indication she'd had a stroke... maybe a TIA, but not a stroke. All this was okay, though. No harm done, since Brother knows she can get things a bit off.

There was also her use of the word "we" for everything. "We" do all the work around here and call workmen to do things. "We" worry about the yard and want to get something done about it. I do wish she would drop the we and say that she wants something or that I do something. She and I are not a couple. It's weird feeling to hear her lump us together all the time.

Yep Hannah, that's exactly how it works. Daughter needs a little dementia and confabulation education! Get her to sign up and read stuff on here...

My mother-in-law, whom I care for, blends events together that happened many years apart, always with some sensational addition that makes her appear amazing. This is harmless. But her lies can be problematic. She tells me she doesn't want something done, but tells her daughter I won't help her do it. So the daughter arrives to do it and I get annoyed because it makes me look awful. She arrives home from a visit to another son with a stack of toilet paper. Why? Because she has told them I don't give her any - which is ridiculous. Confronting my mother-in-law about it is useless, she just keeps lying, lying, lying...

Our 87 yr old mother with dementia has recently broken her arm and another side of dementia is surfacing. As she used to embellish interactions, now she is telling stories as if they are happening now. This disease is so amazing. Sometimes I think her brain is giving her relief from the reality she is currently experiencing. As long as she is not harming herself or others, I have learned to let it go.

Chuckle. I had a classic happening tonight. My mother tends to be a bit hateful. When I was walking toward the kitchen, I heard and saw her slam the cabinet doors. When I walked in, she was very angry at me. "I don't know why you always close the cabinets so I can't get in them." I told her that I had just seen and heard her do it herself. Of course, she said she did not. I have no idea of what the point of that was. A moment in the life of dementia. She has been mean all day for some reason.

witsendkc, everyone hearing the stories about your husband knows they aren't true. I wouldn't let the stories keep you away from your mother. What your father says will be hurtful sometimes, but really doesn't mean anything except in his imagination. This stage could pass soon, so I would try to let the words blow by and not cause damage.

If I listened to things my mother said, I'd never talk to anyone again, including myself. It's the nature of the diseased brain.

My dad (91) has dementia and it's becoming unbearable for my mother. I feel that his disease is shortening her life. I want to see my mom more often but I can't bear being around my dad. His narcissism is off the charts. I could handle that, but he has taken to saying horrible things about my husband (accusing him of stealing anything my dad can't find; telling my Mom and my kids about the 'secrets' he knows about my husband that I don't know, and that he's a bad person. None of which is true. My husband has helped my Dad over the years and they got along very well. My Mom adores my husband and has always said how lucky I am to have someone so kind and supportive in my life. She's spoken of him in glowing terms around my father, and I wonder if that didn't ignite this slow burn. My dad has always been one to consider himself better than everyone and hearing her compliments for someone else likely chapped his hide. I know this is the disease, but now it's impossible to want to spend time with my parents. When we're together my husband stays quiet, not wanting to say anything around my dad that will be misconstrued or repeated to others. And if I visit alone, my Dad will say these hurtful things to me about my husband. I'm concerned that my Mom's health and well-being are being compromised in an effort to not upset him and change his living situation to one of dependent care (they are in independent care at a senior community right now). I feel guilty for wanting to separate them. As long as they are together, it seems as if I'm losing them both. I do believe my mother would have many good years of life in her without the everyday stress that my dad creates.

Thank you, Jeanne, I will ask her doctor, he is happy to discuss her with me as he can't get any sense out of her and finds her very hard to diagnose. Everything she complains about has no basis in fact but at her age he can't take the risk and endless tests are done which have always come back negative.

Thank you for your help, and I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Marea

Hannah1, Aricept does help some people. It was developed for and is FDA approved for Alzheimer's, but many doctors prescribe it off-label for other kinds of dementia and for mild cognitive impairment. It does not slow or stop the disease progress but some find it useful for treating symptoms. (My husband definitely did. He had LBD.)

You might ask her doctor if he/she would consider prescribing that. If there are unpleasant side effects (there were for my mother) or if it doesn't seem to make anything better, ask the doctor to discontinue it.

Thanks, Jeanne. If there are no drugs then nothing can change and a diagnosis is worthless. My husband and I just have to give her the best we can. She is extremely healthy and should have many years to come.

I will look around for a support group, (I think it may help my husband too). Meanwhile I shall stay tuned to this forum. Reading the experiences of other certainly helps.

There are no drugs to slow the progress of the disease. Sorry. There are drugs to treat symptoms (such as anxiety) but most are not specifically for dementia and her doctor can prescribe them with or without a dementia diagnosis.

You might find it helpful to attend a support group for caregivers of persons with dementia.

Sometimes the statement i want to go home means I'm ready to let go of this world and truly go home. It's beautiful i think.

Firstly, Jeannegibbs, I have to apologise, because after reading your reply I glanced at 'Report this Post' and, thinking it was 'Reply to this Post', (which is on other Forums I am on), I clicked on it to reply before realising what it was. I searched to see how to undo this but could find no way to do so. But I have no doubt the editor/s will read your reply and deem my error as just that - an error.

You are right in so many ways and I will certainly take your advice where I can. I do tell people she is having memory lapses and this works, but most of her children, (8 of them plus sons and daughter-in-laws), have contempt for her and treat her badly. When she makes these mistakes they ignore her and she is hurt.

The problem is she has always lied, since she was young, fit and healthy, (Münchhausen's Disorder). Her lies, (to get attention and to manipulate), have caused terrible problems between family members. Over time her children didn't believe a word she said and developed contempt for her. Now, with the onset of Dementia, her lies aren't 'lies' to her any more, she believes them to be true, and she can't understand the ridicule and derision she gets from her children when she talks to them. And so I try to stop her telling them things she has invented and it works sometimes and sometimes not.

And as DDDuck says about her mother, my mother-in-law's 'lies' can be very vicious. She has told people I don't feed her, I keep her trapped in the house and I deny her medical attention when she is very ill. I know she loves me but I also know she will say anything to get attention and pity.

And I so agree that I couldn't do anything different if I had a diagnosis but I am concerned that she could be having treatment she is missing out on. There may be drugs she could take, groups to attend, etc. etc. to slow the progress of the disease, but without a diagnosis she is getting none of this treatment. Does such treatment exist?

Thanks for replying, your words of wisdom have helped.

And thanks for sharing your story, DDDuck. I know exactly how you feel about people believing your mother's damaging stories.

The most important thing is that my mother in law has the love and support she needs, and as frustrating as it can be at times, I need to give this to her.

My mother has been weaving stories since I was a little girl. I had to find within myself a nice way to say she was lying. Till today she does it and is very good. I learned at a young age not to follow what she says. it has always led me down a wrong path by me being protective. Id be mad or upset with someone for nothing.I would guess there is a medical reason or condition. I have issues because sometimes its vicious and when I see it now all I can think is if the right person hears and believe it will be a problem. Even when she talks about her people who appear all over the house she weaves a nice story about how they are taking advantage of her. Ive made apt to see doctor becaause its getting worse. And of course Im the one letting these people in and out. I have taken advice and good advice I have gotten from the forum. It has worked tfor me to just agree but its so frustrating that I have now become the fault of how these folks are getting in and they everywhere.I imagine Im in for a lot more.

And with a diagnosis, Hannah1, what would you be doing differently?

I know what you mean about those tests! Failing them is a clear sign that something is wrong, but passing them is NOT proof the person is cognitively sound. Good for the doctor for sending her for the tests, but now I think you need to carefully document some of these behaviors BRIEFLY and send the list to the doctor. I hope that Mom has signed a HIPAA waiver to allow the doctor to talk to you and that the doctor will. But even if the communication has to be one-way, I urge you to communicate with her doctor.

Try to think through how you would treat this differently if you knew she had dementia, and then start behaving that way!

For example, there is no need to protect her for looking like an idiot. She is what she is right now. Instead, inform your friends and relatives, "Mom is having some cognitive issues right now. We are working with her doctor on a diagnosis, but please understand that she gets memories and facts mixed up with fiction." True. And no diagnosis required.

She does not tell lies about her health. She tells her own version of reality. If you had a diagnosis you could tell yourself "It's the Alzhiemer's saying this." Now you can tell yourself, "It is her cognitive issues that are causing her to perceive her health this way." Either way, you now know enough to investigate before you spend a lot of money on her stories.

I think it is really important that you stop thinking of her as lying. Whether you have a label for it or not, your dear exasperating MIL's brain is misfiring. Accepting that is the best basis for caring for her.

In time you may get a diagnosis -- she will no longer be able to "showtime" her way through tests. But that really isn't going to change a lot. You'll still have to deal with all of her behaviors.

Good luck to you, Hannah1! Keep in touch with us here.

I care for my 95 year old mother-in-law, (she has 2 daughters but they can't stand her for longer than a day or so). She 'lies' all the time and the 'lies' are getting bigger all the time.

She has not been diagnosed with dementia. The doctor suspected she had it and sent her to be tested without telling her what the test was, but she suspected what he was up to and practiced with memory tests, counting backwards in 7s etc. and passed the test with flying colours. So she is not being treated in any way for her dementia.

So when it comes to short memory tests she's great but when it comes to remembering what I told her half an hour ago she is useless.

I have tried to correct her on the confabulations that flow on to others, in an effort to stop her looking like an idiot, so now she just hides what she's doing from me, sneaks things out of the house, returning presents to people who gave them to her, telling them the present was meant for them and someone gave it to her by mistake. I try to stop this but it's a losing battle.

She has countless ridiculous stories she insists are true and I don't argue, but the lies about her health often have expensive results and cost us much of our time. But with no diagnosis we can do nothing but let it all go on.

Witsend808, not remembering that someone was going to leave is common. My husband was very upset when I left for a weekend with a friend while his daughter stayed with him. He didn't mind the leaving, and he chatted with the friend about what we were going to do, but a day later he didn't remember that at all, he thought I'd run off without even saying goodbye, I hadn't left him any money, etc. etc. It MIGHT have helped if I'd left him a written note his daughter could have given him over and over -- I don't know.

My mother (dementia, in a NH) asked me when the men were getting back. Which men? Dad and his friends. They've been gone fishing for almost a week. (Dad died 18 years ago.)

The best thing you can do, if it is at all possible, is learn about this disease, and then bring the rest of the family up to speed about it, too. Browsing on this site is an eye-opener! Not all the elders being cared for have dementia, but a large enough number do for you to see the whole range of experience.

People with dementia do not typically lie. They believe what they are saying. Somehow, someway your MIL thinks your daughter told her to leave. You have to deal with that as her reality -- not as a lie she is telling. "Oh, MIL, that must have really hurt your feelings when you thought Granddaughter told you to leave. I'm so sorry that happened. I know that isn't how GD feels about you so I am sure it was a misunderstanding. We are glad to have you with us." You don't have to accept what she says as true, but it helps you you acknowledge that she thinks it is true.

My husband went through a paranoid phase, and that was the hardest part for me of the entire 10 year journey. It is very hard not to take accusations personally. But once you accept that there is physical damage to the brain that can be seen and measured at autopsy it becomes a little easier.

My mother's confabulations got milder as her dementia got worse. She still comes up with some stories, but not as much. She still gets things in the past all wrong, but there's no harm there. Time doesn't have much meaning to her anymore. So it doesn't really matter if something happened in 2005 or 1950. She presses time together, with pieces put together that don't fit. For example, she'll say a choir director at church was there until 2 or 3 years ago even though he might have left when I was a child. She can't space time anymore.

I'm new at this and new to the topic of dementia and Alzheimer's. As I read all the comments I find my self in similar situations in some, if not all, the comments. You see my mother in law has mild to maybe moderate dementia/Alzheimer's. There are "up" days and "down" days. Her mood swings are what gets to everybody in the house. Especially when she does forget things. For instance my husband and his dad had planned trip at least 2 months in advance and have been telling her nearly every day that they were going on a trip, letting her know the exact date and time there were leaving. When they actually left she got so upset that she started swearing saying they didn't tell her anything. Next day back to normal. A more recent incident is that she told my sister in law that my daughter had told her to get out of the house and claimed that I was there when my daughter said it. I assure you this never happened. She seldom comes out of her room, let alone, converses with any of us. It's hurtful that she says such things and even more upsetting when my in laws and husband tend to believe her and not think that it is part of her condition. Sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits end yet I know this is just the start of it and it's only going to get worse not better. Reading all your comments are a big help in knowing I'm not the only one.

Great to see all this as my mother has started this. My brother is her caretaker at home and my husband and I visit from out town at least once a month. I always check with him after she tells her tales. Rarely are they accurate. So far we just roll with it, mostly. This is so good to read these other posts. Bless them all.

vabirdtoyz, can you find some printed material from a good source explaining the advice to not correct dementia patients that you could share with your sister? Perhaps she'd take it more seriously from an "expert" than from a relative.

My mom comes up with stories my sister and I know are not true. My mom told me that our dad came and got her out of the hospital one time and took her to the orange grove to have sex. We know better than that, our dad would have not done such a thing. The nurse's would have stopped them. That was scary hearing her say stuff like that. My mom never talked like that before. She is always adding stuff to the conversation that is not true. My sister that lives with corrects her all the time. Then it's a big fuss. I have tried to tell my sister to let it go, but she won't. Then my mom says, I don't know what I can say and what I can't. She forgot our dad's last name and they were married 27 years before he passed away. She remembered his first name. She talks constantly. Just rambles on about anything and everything. When you need to leave she just keeps talking. She does this when we go out to eat and the waitress can't leave the table. So sad.

Yes....have been through this stage of dementia....I call it a personal reality...tell yourself something enough times....and viola!....to them it is true because they heard it somewhere.

My husband who has dementia has started making up stories about things that have not happened yet. For example he told the neighbour in a telephone call that the funeral we went to was just lovely and there were so many people there. I was flabbergasted because the friend who had died has specified that he did not want a funeral so was privately cremated and a week later a gathering of friends and family was to be held. That was yet to happen when he was having the conversation with the neighbour. Because he is only in early stages of dementia people do not realise he is spinning yarns and believe him. I sometimes have a hard time convincing people that the stories are far from the truth. It certainly gets very frustrating! Gloria B - 19/07/15.

My husband who has dementia has started making up stories about things that have not happened yet. For example he told the neighbour in a telephone call that the funeral we went to was just lovely and there were so many people there. I was flabbergasted because the friend who had died has specified that he did not want a funeral so was privately cremated and a week later a gathering of friends and family was to be held. That was yet to happen when he was having the conversation with the neighbour. Because he is only in early stages of dementia people do not realise he is spinning yarns and believe him. I sometimes have a hard time convincing people that the stories are far from the truth. It certainly gets very frustrating! Gloria B - 19/07/15.

My mom makes up stories about people wanting to hurt her. She tells people about how abusive my dad was to her when my brother and I were young. She tells people that we were unruly and my dad never helped. My mom had the pleasure of being a stay-at-home mom. Dad sometimes worked two jobs. Mom is really paranoid now. She thinks people put a recording over the P.A. one day. My dad is in the nursing home with her and they fight due to her paranoia.

My mother also tells stories...but I understand them somewhat. She'll tell me that she used to be a waitress. The truth is she saw an episode of Alice and has confused the show with her own life. I smile and say, "Wow, that's great!" She also ask me if I remember the past when we were kids... and I say, "Which time are you thinking of?" After she tells me I'll say, "Ah good times that was!" It doesn't hurt her and it seems to make her happy. There was one lie she did tell that hurt a couple of people. I cleared it up by saying what she said probably isn't true and she likely said that because she has negative feelings towards the person (now deceased) and it trying to rationalize them by making up a reason for her feelings since she's forgotten why she feels the way she does. Lying goes against my grain, but I don't look at it as lying when I agree with her reality...I place it in the same category as Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the monster under your bed. We tell kids that Santa and the Easter Bunny are real because it makes them happy and we tell them there isn't a monster under the bed because we don't want them to be afraid. It's all about giving her peace of mind.

You are right, Irene728. Dementia is about forgetting stuff. But that is just one aspect of the disease. And in some kinds of dementia memory loss isn't even the first or the major symptom.

Let's home that your MIL continues to be able to handle activities of daily living for a long time. Her cognitive skills may continue to decline. Encourage her to do as much as she can as long as she can, but keep an eye out for safety considerations. If she can still cook, for example, but leaves burners on or uses moldy food from the back of the fridge, then it will be time to intervene.

As for telling stories, the responses in this thread address that. You can see you are not alone!