Mom has been in assisted living for 3+ months. She has dementia but is still able to dress herself, keep her room tidy and has no mobility issues. She didn't want to move to assisted living so to accomodate for my feelings of guilt and her neediness, I have visited her almost everyday and my husband and I take her out to eat and shopping often. The problem is that she is not really adjusting to assisted living and hasn't formed any real relationships since she's been there. I believe that I have been there too much and since she depends on me so much, she doesn't depend on the assisted living staff at all. She knows that if she refuses to eat, we will take her out to eat. She know if she calls and says she is out of sodas, we will take her sodas. When she says really ugly things to me about what a horrible daughter I am, I over-compensate by trying to do more. Now, I have put myself in the difficult situation of having to back away a little. I really feel that in order for her to fully become a member of her new community, I cannot be around so much. What are your thoughts?

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After I moved my dad into AL, I spent a lot of time with him too. I rarely took him out, but I would go with him to the various activities the had (bingo, music, happy hour, etc.). After a few weeks, I tapered off.. Sometimes walking him down to an activity we had previously attended, then saying goodbye so he could go have some fun. (Yes, I would use those words).

Now he has been living there four months and there are so many activities he wants to attend that he barely has time to visit with me!

When we moved my ILs to a SNF near us the DON prepped us and warned us that over-visiting could delay the adjustment period. She also warned us that the facility was a community and the ILs would be interacting with the other residents and like all social situations there would be issues between residents from time to time.

Two really good bits of information. I am sure there was other info, but those two she stressed.

We had already planned a 2 week vacation before the line of events that landed his parents under my husband's care. The vacation was scheduled only a few weeks after the move, we left as planned.

We returned two weeks later to find them well situated into their new surroundings. They had the SNF schedule down and had made some friends.

Something she hadn't suggested that we did was to acquaint ourselves with the other residents and learn their names - especially those who befriended the ILs. We always take time to chat with the residents in the community living room. Since both ILs had dementia the other residents would share their thoughts and observations regarding the ILs. This really helped cement them into the residential community.

Here's my suggestion, speak with the activities director to see when there is a 1 or 2 hour program scheduled. Like they are going to to football arts & crafts for Superbowl or something for Valentines Day or bingo, etc. Then go to see her that day and visit with her before the activity, then go with her to the activity and speak about with the other residents to introduce her and then LEAVE. It's sink or swim and trust me, she will swim. She will also me mad as a wet hen but oh well! Let the activities director know of your plan too. Good luck.

You could be right, Abby, and withdrawing a little from the situation may encourage Mom to interact with the staff more, and possibly to socialize. Make an appointment and discuss this with the staff. What has their experience been along these lines?

I suppose it is natural for you to feel some guilt in this situation, but try very hard to set it aside and not let it drive your decisions. What is best for Mother (insofar as you can determine that) and what is best for you need to be the driving factors for decisions. Try not to let it be what will make you feel less guilty for the moment.

i have a similar situation my mom and i live togeather i will not put her in a facility pray and keep your life you are not ungrateful daughter you simply must maintain your sanity to help your mom.
i get neggative feedback from family and friends i simply tell them i am here 24/8 they are not and backup

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