Emotional mom in a nursing home.

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Mom went into a nursing home August 16 and it has been horrible. I was her caregiver, but her pelvic fracture, frequent falls, etc... made it impossible for her to come home. She complains all the time about paying for it, her roommates, the staff. Today was awful, she called (she is almost blind, so they have to dial for her) and was crying told me to come right away. I did and found out her glasses got switched with her roommates during the night, they realized it and switched them back earlier. This afternoon she decided those weren't her glasses and her roommate took hers and won't give them back. Mom has her glasses, but she won't listen to anyone. It was so emotional and now she insists she is coming home tomorrow and will find someone to take care of her.

She is very manipulative and I have fallen for it too many times. They let her smoke a few times each day, but someone has to be outside with her since she could burn herself. She won't quit, it's an ongoing argument. During the same call she asked me to bring more cigarettes. I thought it was a ploy to get the cigarettes there, but she was still an emotional mess, even when I left. She is also saying she wants a new roommate. This other lady has been there longer and her daughter is the secretary to the administrator. Mom isn't a friendly person, very short with people. I guess several aides were comforting her roommate about the glasses and ignoring mom.

I don't know how to handle this, she isn't coming home. I am a cancer survivor and not in great health, I can't take care of her full time and I work from home. Being her full time caregiver has taken a huge emotional toll on me physically and emotionally.

I am worried that she is just going to go off the deep end completely, not sure she can handle the stress she puts herself in. I am going to search this site for articles to read, but would love input.

Nancy

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Kmaxwell, I don't think that she can be kept against her will if the courts have not declared her incompetent. Maybe two doctors signing off on that is enough. I don't know. But on a practical level, would she be able to arrange such a move?

Clicking on Ask a Question and starting a new thread would get more responses.

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Kmaxwell, I see this is your only comment on AgingCare. Seems like you want to ask a question about your specific situation. There is a way to do that. Click on the three horizontal bars at the top left of the AC screens and select "Ask A Question." You can start your own question that will get input.
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Kmaxwell - this thread is 5 years old...
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Under Ohio power of attorney laws,( My brother and father have power of attorney for financial and medical decisions for my mother) Does my mother have the right to go home from a nursing home if she insists upon leaving? If she has not been deemed incompetent by two Physicians ??
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Just an update. Social services has been doing a great job with mom, visiting with her, reading to her. Activities comes to see her, but not on a regular basis. It's my understanding the activities position on her unit isn't filled at this time, so the assistant director comes to see her. Mom is still frustrated at them being so strict with her, but I tell her she doesn't have a choice. If she does improve, maybe they can lighten up a bit. We have a quarterly care meeting on Tuesday, although I talk to the staff on a continual basis, so nothing new should pop up!
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Nancy,
You might also connect w/the Activity Director [Life Enrichment Coordinator] and or the assistant. They are required to also address those who prefer to stay in their room…aromatherapy would be very cool w/your mom—if she chooses to participate AND they offer it! Perhaps they could direct volunteers to spend time w/your mother, also the AD's responsibility.
Leave no stone unturned & good luck!
Fiffi [Stefani]
[This is my new profession/career 'enhancement'.]
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It would be nice if an aide could organize her time to take several people at once out to smoke. That way everyone could get equal time. A lot of the aides that work in these homes smoke also. I know for a fact that they get their smoking in. Maybe someone who is in charge could help organize smoking time if they absolutely have to have a cigarette. It could be done with proper organization.
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The aide doesn't work at the home, she worked for us in my home taking care of mom after she broke her arm. I have no problems with the nursing home. It is considered the best around here. I do visit during all shifts, mom's roommate's daughters works there, a good friend is the administrator. I feel like she is being given excellent care. She sets a high standard and is very impatient. She wants things now. She will ask me for something, if I am there, if I don't stop what I am doing and do it for her immediately, she asks again. She is blind, for the most part, she has no sense of time. She dropped her talking clock this week, so I ordered another one. She always overstates time, "I have been waiting an hour," when it has been 10 minutes. No one there has a personal aide, probably because they can't afford it. Between paying the nursing home, her hospital bills, an aide would have to be a shared expense among us kids. My sibs aren't too supportive about helping with anything, including visiting her or financial help.

After reading lots of good articles and forum messages today, I am going to meet with the resident care supervisor and social services in the next day or so. I want to see what they have to say and what input they can give me. We do have a counselor at our church who doesn't charge for counseling sessions. he has visited mom several times and she really thinks highly of him. I might even see if I could get him to go there and do counseling with her.

Thanks.
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Nancy,
A lot of REALLY TUFF boundary issues, BUT you have mentioned you have a familiar, trustful aide—what are you [all] waiting for! You will feel an IMMEDIATE sense of relief while taking a proactive step. Very best of luck!
Stefani
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Nanc512, You Are Not Alone!!! My gramma was in a care facility for almost 8 yrs. She was pretty happy there it seemed, but the nurses and aids told us she was "needy". she would want them to be at her beck and call, no matter what. It was a med. size NH, with quite a few paitients to look after too. Gram also hoarded food, being a child of the deppression she had a fear of not having enough. My mother (her daughter) went to visit often at first, but then her health started to decline and was not able to do it any longer. Gram was angry at first but softed up as time went on. She would then call mom on the phone at all hrs, until she had it removed for making to many long distance calls. We all thought gram would be seeing God first, at 95 yrs. We would visit our gram before giong to visit mom. One night I got a call at 1:00 am from the hospital, it was the nurse telling me my mom was in emergency and I needed to get there asap. As I got ready I called all my bros/sis, 7 in all, to let them know. I went and mom was very ill...unbeknown to us she was in very grave health!! Nine days later mom was gone!! In the blink of an eye! we found out mom had not only diebetes and bad kidneys, she also was suffering with "Accute Mylogenous Lukemia", the Drs said the treatments for it would be of no use at this stage of the diesese!!! We were dumbfounded to say the least! Mom never told any of her children just how bad she really felt either? We were there all during her stay in the hospital and then we found room in the same NH as her mom(my Gram). With the help of hospice mom had "Palative Care". When we placed her there, gram was by her side constantly....she refused to go to her own room because she wanted to be with her only daughter,( mom was one of 2 ,she had 1 bro), so she could comfort her. I think it was Gods way of helping us through this nightmare. Knowing gram could see her daughter for the last time, I thought, it gave all of us an inner strength....! Mom passed in Feb. 2011.... we all were there. Gram was devistated...the cry that came from here was heart wrenching!!! I'll never forget the sound of a mother losing her child...... or what she said to us... "A parent should never have to lose their child before them"!! Gram was never the same after that day....and 1yr almost to the day gram went up to reunite with her daughter for the last time. So I guess what I want to say is we had a pretty good experiance with my mom and gram. It was not the case with my FIL and MIL, my fil passed in 2006 and it was a very unpleasant situation for my husband. He was not told of the drugs that were being given to his dad for ALZ, until he looked into it after his passing. Now we are dealing with my MIL who has dementia,combativeness, stroke etc., she won't let us do anything to help her....at all. So just wated you to know we have been to both ends of the spectrum and so far,...survived....For now. Hope this helps. Hugs to you and all your efforts they will be rewarded oneday!! God Bless
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