Emotional mom in a nursing home.

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Mom went into a nursing home August 16 and it has been horrible. I was her caregiver, but her pelvic fracture, frequent falls, etc... made it impossible for her to come home. She complains all the time about paying for it, her roommates, the staff. Today was awful, she called (she is almost blind, so they have to dial for her) and was crying told me to come right away. I did and found out her glasses got switched with her roommates during the night, they realized it and switched them back earlier. This afternoon she decided those weren't her glasses and her roommate took hers and won't give them back. Mom has her glasses, but she won't listen to anyone. It was so emotional and now she insists she is coming home tomorrow and will find someone to take care of her.

She is very manipulative and I have fallen for it too many times. They let her smoke a few times each day, but someone has to be outside with her since she could burn herself. She won't quit, it's an ongoing argument. During the same call she asked me to bring more cigarettes. I thought it was a ploy to get the cigarettes there, but she was still an emotional mess, even when I left. She is also saying she wants a new roommate. This other lady has been there longer and her daughter is the secretary to the administrator. Mom isn't a friendly person, very short with people. I guess several aides were comforting her roommate about the glasses and ignoring mom.

I don't know how to handle this, she isn't coming home. I am a cancer survivor and not in great health, I can't take care of her full time and I work from home. Being her full time caregiver has taken a huge emotional toll on me physically and emotionally.

I am worried that she is just going to go off the deep end completely, not sure she can handle the stress she puts herself in. I am going to search this site for articles to read, but would love input.

Nancy

28 Comments

been there done that. Take care of yourself.
There is no easy answer when a parent has to go to a nursing home. Yet, there are for some there is no other answer. If she has to have 24 hr. help it will be hard to find reliable people and could she trust them? She is surely manipulating you. My grandmother did the same thing to my mom. There was no way mom could take care of her at home. My brother had a child that was totally abandoned by her mother. Mom had the baby to take care of.. She would tell them the most gosh awful lies you have ever heard. Mom or her sister visited on a daily basis. For her it was she was starving. They brought so much food in the room that the administrator said it was a health hazard. My grandmother was total care. I guess they thought I would give up my nursing job at the hospital and take care of her for nothing so the others could have her check and do as they pleased. It was a big mess.
You are doing the only thing you can. Your health is important too. How long do you think you would hold up taking care of her and not in good health yourself? Not very long. Your mom sounds just like my grandmother, to her it was all about her. No one else mattered. Maybe you can talk to the social worker at the nursing home. They can offer some good input because they go thru these things on a daily basis. Hugs to you.
It is sad mom did not become a sweet old lady. Not your fault. Try to switch mom to ecigarettes as substitute not requiring going outside (nursing station can keep them/it). Next step counseling for mom who must have many issues. Likely fear of the great unknown coming closer. Take care of yourself.
My mom was the same at first in the nursing home. They tried her on anxiety medication and keep changing until they found the right one that worked for her. You need to take care of your self, and let the nursed handle the situation . I was told to stay away for 4 to 5 days to let her settle in and get used to the home and the staff. It worked a little but eventually she was very content there and had made many friends.Hugs and take care
I FEEL FOR U, I want u to kinow, that you did ur best, and now it's time to take care of you. Sometimes there are situations that are out of our hands, just leave it in God's hands now, and take care of ur health cause life is too short! God Bless You and Guide You.
nancy, you may want to have the nursing home help you. They should have staff trained to deal with these types of issues. You also have a right to have her switched to a different room. i work in a nursing home and can tell you that you have rights and the home has responsibilities to you. (all this should be posted in the home and the right to a different roommate is listed...atleast in my state..SC) I am a caretaker of my mom too. It is hard regardless of the living situations. Take care of yourself. she is better off in a facility that can care for her medical needs. But do seek help. Hugs.
My Mom is the same.3 years ago she was falling over,totally unable to care for herself.She broke her hip,then her shoulder,She is now in a nursing home.Blames me for everything under the sun,i am an only child,but the devils daughter to her.I realized a while ago,that i am just a scapegoat.She is 3-4 years into alzeimers.I have moved her twice trying to get the best care,but she is,and has always been abusive to me(even as a child) No one likes her because she is so unfriendly and rude.My mom is not a sweet old lady either.I do now the best I can for her,it is VERY hard not to get upset or riled,Last week she told me to wear some decent clothes,as I was apparently exposing my chest.( had a turtle neck sweater on) I have told her,when her health is better,she can move back home,that sometimes placates her.I came to a conclusion a long time ago,that there is no winners in this situation,I have cried,got mad at the injustice of it all.
Just do your best.Been there too!
(I too have stopped seeing her so much,it seems to help)
Your first responsibility is to yourself. It seems like some moms don't stop parenting.Mine didn't. For some people nothing is right so let it go in one ear and out the other. No guilt. The nursing home has trained professionals. Use their knowledge. Bless. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. No I am no shouting just emphatic. Hugs to you
My mom is headed to the nursing home from Memory care as soon as the money runs out, which will be soon. I have taken a lot of abuse from my mom and i tell myself "this isn't her, it's the disease" so I let most things just slide...however, after taking my mom out for the day and taking her to lunch, she proceeded to spit on me and throw a hissy fit because I wouldn't let her move out of memory care. I decided that day that even though my mom was sick, I did not have to put up with that kind of behavior. My mom , like yours, is a master manipulator, she has "chores" "appointments" , all kinds of things she demands I do. Like some caregivers suggest here, STAY AWAY for a while. I didn't see my mom for two weeks. It just about killed me, but I wanted her to know that I was not her punching bag. I was on my last nerve and I had to send a message. Well, when I visited Mom again, she was a different person. She APOLOGIZED for the way she acted and said she missed. me. My mom as AD and psychosis, but she can still manipulate people and understand when her behavior is out of control. I agree with these fellow caregivers, take care of YOU because harder times are coming. We have other family members who rely on us too, and bosses, etc. I have peace knowing that my Mom is well cared for, fed well, medication is controlled, nurses are there, she is not happy, but never has been and never will be, so I can't control that. Praying for you and your Mom today and wishing every blessing on you.
I am so glad I found this discussion. I too am having trouble with my mom in the nursing home. She is 84 and of sound mind, just total care and has to have a lift to get in and out of bed and has to toilet in bed. Here is my dilemma. She is verbally abusive to others and knows exactly what she is doing, which is the difficult part. All her life she has been a person who requires everything her way or the highway and we have always been taught to cater to that situation. I have 2 siblings who live far away, so I am the only one here to visit, along with my very supportive husband. We see her 3 days a week at the nursing home, each visit about 2-3 hours. With her behavior, I try to work with the nursing home as they are doing their best to help her, but nothing satisfies the woman and so I always try to run road blocks so the nursing home won't kick her out. I am just so scared that the nursing home will try and kick her out for her behavior and I definitely cannot care for her at home because of her needs. I am at wits end and any ideas are accepted. I love my mother, but I am so frustrated with her and my siblings aren't there for me as there have been issues in the past that has severed the relationships. I am the only one who has been willing to tolerate her and even I am getting tired of it. Thank you for your ideas.....

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