Mom won't let me kick abusive, exploitative family members out of the house.

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My mom lives in her own home, pays her bills with her social security, but my nephew (her grandson) lives there (22 y.o.) along with his girlfriend, does not pay any rent or do anything for her. They both verbally abuse her, and recently, the girlfriend gave my mom (82) a black eye and bruises on her arm. I found out by coincidence when my cousin stopped over to see her. The police and Adult protective services got involved, but bottom line, mom wouldn't press charges and denied everything. My nephew has been in drug rehab twice (recently out in August). Many of his/her friends in and out of the house, stay over; it is like a flop house. I don't know if drugs are there, but alcohol definitely is. They eat her food, do not help her what so ever. There were previous issues with my brother (my nephew's father) who lived there for several years, Physical and verbal abuse was rampant then. Bottom line: I want to kick them out, she won't let me. She says to just scare them to straighten them up, but it doesn't, and now that Adult protective services are involved, my nephew won't speak with me (after calling me every name in the book). She should not be taken out of her own home, but she now has moderate dementia, and I am worried about her. She receives alot of help from her Medicaid benefits so there is someone there for her every day, gets meals on wheels, etc. She tells me there is so many people coming and going she does know who is who. There is also an untrained young boxer dog there which is my nephew's, he does nothing for the dog, the dog relieves itself in the basement and mom cleans up after it. The girlfriend just brought a kitten into the fold this week. I unfortunately live in a different state, and I have two cousins who check on her and one pays her bills directly. She does not want to leave her house. I am at whits end.I also just sent both of them an notice to start paying rent in December. I am sure they are thumbing there nose at me. Last but not least, my sister lives 3 blocks from my mom, hasn't been on speaking terms for several years, and just ignores the situation.

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Definitely get the POA, then know that you're in for the ride of your life involving Adult Protective Services, as well as legal battles.
I recently went through a very similar scenario:
Drug-addicted, alcoholic nephew (+ numerous girlfriends) were living w/my parents...same situation of not paying rent, not helping w/meds, not driving them to doctor appts, not buying food, their animals relieving themselves indoors & of course, verbally abusive. In addition, my parents had hoarded for so many years (despite an intervention of a complete clean-out four years ago), their filthy house was a prime candidate for the Health Dept (plumbing dysfunctional, mice & rats living inside the house, you get the picture). Basically, my parents were in a state of self-neglect & my numerous trips from out of state were simply a temporary band-aid fix to an increasingly serious situation. I hired a caregiver to be my eyes/ears when I wasn't there, but my pleas to have the family members kicked out went unheard & when Dad passed away late last year, I moved my mother to my home out of state. As soon as I moved Mom in w/me, my sister, an extremely angry, unbalanced drug addict who had had nothing to do w/my parents for nearly 20 years, moved in w/her son (my nephew) & together, they took illegal possession of my parent's house.
Long story short: With my POA & the fact that my mother was finally out of the house & safe w/me, I was advised by my mother's attorney to hire an Unlawful Detainer attorney to evict them. It was a painfully long process, it was expensive (I was very fortunate I had the $$ to do this), Adult Protective Services were involved in both states & I had to drag my poor, utterly confused mother to court, but it is finally over. You will question your sanity more than once throughout the process, you will wonder WHY the law seems to favor the side of the squatters (in addition to the fact that they were stealing from my mother, I had to continue to pay all the expenses they incurred while they were living in my her house & since they were aware of this, we're talking electric bills that were close to $400 per month + I had to give them an extension when they neglected to move by the eviction due date) & finally, to have a sheriff escort your family members out of your parent's home is almost unbearable. But as they say, this too shall pass. The day I was able to take control of the house, was the day I brought in a crew of workers to clear out & deep-clean the house to ready it for sale. Not an easy task, because my sister & nephew vandalized the house while they were living in it; it took weeks of us working 12 hr days but we did it & I am happy to say that I sold the house almost immediately.
It can be done...but you must follow the protocol & you must adhere to the laws of your state or it will backfire & you will either have nothing, or you will have to start all over again.
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Wow I thought I was the only one with these kinds of relatives. I went through the same thing with alcohol and drugs with my brother and his son living with my father. Then my other brother went and got my POA revoked and took over, verbally abusing my dad and stealing money. Then he took over control of the checking and stole 104K out of my dad's savings! I got a restraining order and from that the judge ordered a guardianship put in place to protect my dad and his assets so he can remain in his own home as per his wishes. Family can be the most injurious to the elderly it seems. I have given up my job and now losing my home in an effort to keep decent care for my father. It is hard to believe that my brothers and I were raised in by the same parents and have such different values.
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Yes, get the POA, the sooner the better. Since mom won't kick them out on her own she is going to need help. I went through a very similar situation with my mom who allowed my brother and half his family to live with her without paying for rent, groceries, etc. After getting the POA and taking over her finances I found out just how much they were taking from mom. My brother was never, that I know of, physically abusive toward mom, but I do know he was verbally abusive. Mom was beginning to show signs of dementia as well so my two sisters and I convinced her it was time to move out and sell the house. We got her into an AL apartment that had cafeteria style services, you had to take one service to live there and then could add on others as needed. It still took time to get them all out of the house so it could be cleaned and readied for sale...it was a nightmare but is over now, thank God. Mom is now living with me because after a year and a half she had gone downhill and was in need of other services at the AL. Just seemed crazy to my husband and I that she pay $200.00 a month for someone to dispense her medications to her when we could do that for her for free, plus whatever else she would need. We are blessed to have a home large enough to accomodate mom and her furniture so here she is. The family members that abused her...only came around if they needed money but I closed down their personal "mom" bank and now they are rarely seen or heard from...very sad, but true. Good luck with your situation...my prayers are with you and your mom.
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Oh my, I went through something very much the same with my mom. It was my son and she wouldn;t let us kick him out either. He was stealing from her and had already stolen several thousand dollars of her jewelry, was taking her credit cards out of her purse then putting them back and the final straw was he was forging checks ( to the sum of over $12K in less than 3 months) I finally had to hire an attorney and sue my mom for conservatorship. It's not easy or cheap, mom was also diagnoised with dementia so it was just a matter of going through the process of hiring an attorney, then the judge will appoint a Guardian ad Litem to look at your petition and you go to court. We finally got conservatorship and really this is just the starting point. My son is in drug rehab but I am working with the police to press charges for the jewelry. The bank is pressing charges for hte forged checks since thay had to give mom her money back as it was not her signature. good luck
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You've GOT to get DPOA (durable power of Attorney) signed by your mom. If not, you can't do anything about the situation.
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Would your mother go with to get a full power of attorney and sign it? This would allow you take care of her affairs. You would have every legal right to have them leave the premises. You could then place a restraining order them, filed with the police that they not come anywhere near the home ever again or contact you or your mother without the possibility of being arrested for not abiding by the order. You would need to call the police to probably get them out when you present them with the restraining order.
Your mom is in a very violent situation. Do what you can legally and allow the law to handle the rest. It will be safer for everyone involved.
My heart and prayers go out to you,
Suzanne
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