Oh God..My selfish impossible parents...

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Here we go again. My dad was finally placed in a very good and beautiful care facility. My mother is STILL at home. When my dad was placed only 3 weeks ago he liked his roommate and the food and the staff. I received a call the very next day that a bed was available for my mom to be with dad. Glory Be.. An end to this madness at last. Not so fast !!! It was not meant to be. My dad in his infinite wisdom decided that he didn't want mom there with him and she was fine being at
home by herself. I called the care home and sure enough it was true. I could just choke my dad for being such a selfish jerk or is it his shot at freedom? Either way she now goes to the bottom of the list for placement. Thanks Dad.... She has been wanting to see him for about 5 months. (He has been in hospital)
I managed to find a way to get her to the care home to see dad at a whopping $300.00 for special care transport.

When we arrived for our visit the staff thought mom was about to be a new resident. Nope... She's just visiting. To bad. She should be there. It took a stretcher van and me totting her wheel chair in my car. Dad was surprised to see her. She tried to hold his hand but he didn't bother taking hers. We stayed for about 3 hours then the transport people came to get her to take her home.

Now my dad has decided he doesn't like to food or the staff or anything about his new surroundings. I wanted to have them put on the list for a care home near where I am but NO..... They don't like it here, but have NEVER been here. My mother will not leave there home because she won't let me take her dog and care for him. She is just impossible to try and get through to about her safety and being in that house by herself. She told me this morning that she WILL NOT leave the house and her little dog. She will be turning 95 in 2 days. I have had to upgrade my auto insurance due to travelling so much to attend to their constant needs. She doesn't give a damn about me or travelling, working full time and trying to burn the candle at both ends.
She thinks it should be NO problem to drive 2 plus hours in both directions or juggle things to accommodate them when they won't even consider accommodating me.
In her words... "I did it for my parents when I was young." I'm now almost 60". BUT she didn't drive or work full time or live 2 plus hours away. Now she thinks I should spend another $300.00 bucks to get her to an eye doctor which will require another $300.00 bucks for the optician to recheck her eyes. I told her that the money that will be spent on all these return trips would pay for her new glasses. It is all my fault she hasn't been taken to the eye doctor a long time ago. She needs to be in a facility that would allow me to do all these tasks that NEVER end.
Ah.. Thanks for listening. Ferris 1 are you out there?
Anksana-Moon

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Aaaargh, I am so sorry this happened. Your dad's decision has caused a lot of trouble, and your mum's insistence on staying in her home and blaming you is very hard to take. Could the ball start rolling by her doctor declaring her unfit to stay home alone? Have you contacted social services and the local agency in aging to see what resources are around to assess her needs and help accomplish some of these tasks. This really is too much for you. She will always have an answer when you say this is too much, or too expensive for you. It sounds like you will not convince her, so perhaps it is time to set some limits and lay out what you will and will not do and /or pay for. Is there not some service that would take her to, for example eye appointments. My mother lives 5 hrs. drive away (by her choice) and she has over the years expected me to do some of the same kind of thing. A few years ago I did too much, my health suffered, and I am just regaining it. Please don't let this happen to you. Look up the resources that are available to your mum - including paid help if she can afford it, lay them out to her, set limits on what you will and will not do, don't accept blame, and don't argue with her - you won't win the argument, Just state where you are at, and stick to it. She will likely try FOG - fear, obligation and/or guilt to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do. Some senior become rather narcissistic as time goes on and others (e.g. my mother) were narcissistic all along. You need to protect yourself, or your health will suffer. I see no point in a caregiver sacrificing their health for their family member, yet I read about it on here all the time. At the end of the day it is your choice. I hope you start making more decisions in your own interest. ((((((((hugs))))) Joan
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And right when you thought you had it all worked out. I don't know what I would have done -- probably told them they kept making the same old bed and I wasn't going to lie in it anymore. You have gone beyond the call of daughterly duty over the years. Your mother does need to be in a nursing facility.
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