Saying no to being a caregiver without guilt.

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Just wondering if anyone actually said no to being a caregiver to an elderly parent without guilt or knowing it is not an obligation.

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Gabby, I live in South Jersey and it is expensive. Taxes are high. Then we have an income and sales tax. Car insurance is high. And because of Sandy we r now required to have Flood insurance if ur house is Mortgaged. Houses can't be sold for what they r worth. If I could move out I would.
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Yes he's a good hearted man BUT does not let my dad call the shots. I'm very blessed  !!
My husband can be blunt with him where I cannot and he's really been like a sibling to me instead of a husband in this part of our journey. 
My dad is competent, but would rather sit there and let somebody else answer the questions for him and my husband is willing to do that to get this going and done. No, we don't have an elder care attorney, just a regular one I guess. We will make sure dad is the one that signs papers... my husband and I are both POA but last month I did have the attorney draw up papers saying that I have declined, just giving it solely to my husband, it just has not been notarized yet.  I'm wondering if I should tear it up and stay PO A ?  I may need it since my husband is busy working every day. Hes willing to take important phone calls but sometimes I don't want to throw some of those calls at him when I could answer some questions.
Dad needs help with finding the important papers that one needs in this process and we have all of that, sometimes have to take him to the bank to get stuff but since I'm POA, I have always done it. Its hard for him because he has trouble seeing.

My husband is on top of the property/finances stuff, he says, and I am trusting that.

My daughter and I think he's up to something ... so unlike him to want to leave his home, it's weird. He called assisted-living a jail, hated the nurses coming in bugging him about medicine and blood sugar checks, couldn't sleep there, it was numerous. When he first came back home he told a friend he wanted to buy a gun for protection which was unusual since he always lived with unlocked doors. I'm wondering if he's worried about his helper girlfriend getting into trouble because the RN who checked on him this week said he refused to talk about that situation. Daughter and I are thinking he may be trying to protect her, who knows? My husband thinks he's scared, realizes he needs more help, like the meals he got and at assisted-living after finding out what it's like to be on your own again... Plus the bills for utilities that are coming in that's wiping out his Social Security check plus his shopping sprees.
No, I don't trust my dad or believe much of what he says. Sometimes my husband will fall for his sad face and teary eyes when dad is talking to him! BUT husband can be very honest and blunt with him too!
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Your husband has my nomination for Sainthood, Bella! I mean that!

Are you POA? What kind of questions does your dad need help with? Do YOU and your husband have accurate information about your dad's finances, property, etc?

My fear is that he will continue to lie to you (and everyone else). Make certain that DAD (not you, not husband) signs admissions papers for AL or anyplace else he resides.

Do you have an eldercare attorney yet?
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RN had been discussing it with dad, he told her he would be willing to return if they would take him. The next day dad asked husband what we thought about it, worried we'd be upset with all we've done to get him back home. Dad's case worker talked with husband on phone while with dad during a visit on Friday.
My husband made the phone call to AL, and together assisted living and Medicaid have been exchanging emails to get paperwork going.

Are you asking because we should have stepped away from ALL of it and let them handle it ? 
There are questions that need answered by Medicaid and assisted-living that my dad needs help with and my husband is willing to be that person.

 I have still had no contact with my dad since last Sunday I have not talk to him about returning but my husband told him I'm OK with it. 

need input on this and advice!!
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Dear Bella; I hope that the SW and RN are facilitating this.
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Yesterday dad requested to go back to AL. He admitted he needs more help. Looks like that may happen by the end of the month.
Weird. Shocked.
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Thank you..happy/sad/happy relieved tears to hear this
Thank you sooo much

Accepting-Believing in Myself-Working hard at that 😉
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Bella, when I spoke at my father's funeral - a SUPREME narcissist - my opening comment "You can't make somebody love you the one you want them to. You either accept that they love you the best that they can, or you walk away." You have been a great daughter and done what you can. With all the health problems and the lack of Medicaid due to his own poor decisions, you can't do anything else. From someone else whose been there? hugs and good thoughts headed your way. He needs help you cannot give and have your own life and happiness. Accept and MOVE ON. I had to.
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I could visit. Don't want to be in his presence right now. He stated to my husband he wants to give his truck to his help at home girl and all his tools to a loser friend. We don't need the truck or tools...it's the point of thinking of all my husband has done for him. Dad needs $$$..Medicaid denied him.
Yes, stepping away is the best thing for all
Thankyou
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Listen to Barb, Bella. You've done what your father needs done. That's real love, putting the person's needs first. Far more meaningful than trying to make your own, unique father-daughter relationship fit into some kind of stereotypical ideal when it just doesn't.

You can still visit him, can't you, if you choose to? Not saying you should, not if it's going to make you sad; but you haven't been advised to stay away or anything, have you?
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