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I joined this group in February 2018 when I was faced with the difficult decision to move my Mom to Assisted Living. It has been a journey unlike any other. I lost my brother at 40 in 1996. I lost my Dad in 2011 at 83. On Wednesday, May 1, 2019 my Mom left me too at 90. This death is unlike my brother and Dad because of this Assisted Living nightmare. I will never know if my Mom blamed me for her situation but she made the past eight years extremely difficult for me. All she did was yell and complain. We never had a decent conversation. When I visited her I couldn’t wait to leave. Holidays were a nightmare as she would yell and be very demanding. When she passed on Wednesday I didn’t want to leave her side. I saw such anguish in her face. No peace like I see in most people who pass from this life to the next. It is an image engrained in my mind. Did she hate her life that much the past eight years? She never recovered from the death of her son 23 years ago? I will never know. What I do know is that I have a cousin my Mom’s favorite niece that has refused to even contact me to say she is sorry for the loss of my Mom. This is beyond hurtful and I feel like the apple does not fall far from the tree in her treatment of me similar to how my Mom treated me. I did everything I could to tolerate my Mom. I took care of her well being making sure she was safe and cares for both in the home and financially while working full time.


It is now time for me to leave this wonderful support group. I wish all of you a journey of peace with your aging loved ones. Thank you all for your support over the past year and a half.

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Hi Stan
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom.

It might seem that your cousin had a piece of your mom that was inaccessible to you. That if you could connect with her that it would be like connecting with mom? It’s healing to be in the company of those who love the same people that we love but if she harbors ill will then you are best without her.

Who knows what your mom may have told her or what cousin thought she knew about the situation? Give her and yourself time to heal. One day you might find an opportunity to say hello and find you have both grown past today’s resentments.

It is hard to lose a child. I am sure it was hard for you to carry the weight of her grief and her care and make your own life secondary to hers.

It’s like that old hymn that had the verse “we’ll understand it, all by and by”. We might not understand but it’s a comfort to think it’s possible.

Take care and let us be your cousins. Stop in to say hello when you feel up to it. You may have only been on Aging care a short while but you have years of experience to share.
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Great advice, Barb. I don't think we are ever "ex" caregivers. The wisdom, trials, and experience we have to share is still valuable to those who need encouragement and guidance.
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Regardless where care is provided, it is challenging. Guilt for what we didn't do, can't do, don't want to do...the isolation and the resentments coupled with deep commitment to do the best we can. It sounds like that's what you did. It's your time now. Nurture yourself and forgive yourself. Move on and try to make the rest of your life happy.
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Stan, you did the best you could and endured, and are enduring, a lot of negativity for your efforts. I am so sorry for your experience and for your pain. I hope you can find sweet memories of your mother to bring you peace.

I do hope you remain on this forum. Although your caregiving journey is technically over, it's not over emotionally and mentally. You'll carry a lot of pain with you because of how your mother treated you. You'll find a lot of similar experiences here, and comprehending that you aren't alone in those experiences is hugely healing. I know. This forum saved my life.

Another form of healing for you is you can offer your experiences to others who are suffering what you have, should you choose to share them. Expressing your thoughts, anger, and fear to a supportive group that is here is also hugely healing.

No matter what you decide, be good to yourself. I wish you well deserved happiness. {hug}
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I recently found this forum after my parents had both passed. Although I wish I had this resource during those caregiving years, this forum has helped me tremendously.

My searches for information regarding coping with parental loss and coping with painful family situations led me here.

There is comfort and camaraderie at this forum. You can shed insight and your experience is often appreciated.

You did the best you could for your mom. That’s all anyone can do.

As for your cousin situation, when a loved one passes, you find out who your true friends really are. You lost your mom and you feel like you “lost” your cousin too — that secondary loss brings extra pain.

If she isn’t there for you, she isn’t your true friend. I know it’s painful to accept. Maybe you regarded her as a close friend once.

My parents raised me to put family first. Growing up, I was so proud and completely admired many in my family. I would have done just about anything for all of them. That pride and admiration melted away when I desperately needed them and they refused to help. It has been hard to reconcile some of the ugly things that happened. When my parents died, it was my friends (not my siblings) who were by my side.

Look to the people who have been there for you and focus on them.

Come back to this forum whenever you want (or need).

There are are many here who understand exactly how you’re feeling.
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Hi,

I understand how you feel. You need a change of pace. Not reminders of sad things. If you feel like you’d like to offer support and share knowledge and experiences later on then please do so.

Best of luck to you. So sorry that you had so much to deal with. Take this time to heal. Many hugs. Take care.
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I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Just in case you reconsider, you might hang around here, even though your caretaking is now concluded. No doubt, you have a lot to offer others in this format. If not, I completely understand. It can be a tough thing.
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I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry that your mom could never see how much care you really gave her. That was her loss.

Take care of you and only let people that matter near your heart for a while.

Hugs!
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I agree with Barb Stan. It will have been four years next Thursday since my dear mom passed and I still find this forum a valuable place.

You may find comfort by staying on for a while. Please consider it.

My condolences on the loss of your mother. I hope she did find peace in the end.
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Stan, I feel relieved for you. A new chapter in your life is waiting to be written.

About the cousin who wouldn't call to give her condolences, why do you value her opinion of you? Is she that important to you? Judging from her lack of compassion and decency, I'd say she's a person of inconsequential. Don't spend any time thinking about her. Why waste a thought when you can fill your head with many other more pleasant thoughts.
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Stan, I dont think you should leave.

Many of us here are "ex" caregivers. We have perspective. We can see the arc of the journey and don't get bogged down in the details.

Please stay.
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