Saw something unsettling...

Thanks, NobodyGetsIt!

"jacobsonbob," - I just noticed the same thing - it's been moved to the Discussion Thread!

This posting, like some of the others, doesn't enable responses to comments, although I don't know the reason why. However, I'd like to offer the following:

1) Many years ago, I had a room in a house shared by others, and a fellow in another room had been a medic in Viet Nam. He mentioned how much he liked the show MASH, because, as he put it, the humor on the show was EXACTLY like what he experienced in Viet Nam.

2) My father was in the hotel business, and he used to say that a night in a hotel room was a "perishable item" somewhat like fresh produce because if that room remained empty the previous night, there is nothing that could make up for it--the next night was a completely different "product" in its own right. It's the same with a bed in a nursing home--any night during which a bed is unoccupied represents a lost opportunity to bring in revenue, and as others have said, a nursing home--whether "non-profit" or "for profit" is a business and needs to operate as such.

3) We can be certain that ebmick1953 will be sure to use more discretion during her own career than the person who posted on Facebook!

My husband owns two businesses and always checks social media before even scheduling interviews. Social media outlets can be very telling.

However, I think what the NP posted was pretty tame. I was in social work for a number of years... working with medical teams and law enforcement. Many of these professionals have an edge to them. They see “reality” on an hourly basis. I think when we are in high stress modes, comments like the NP’s affect us differently. The majority of the professionals are compassionate or they would not be in this field.

However, they have to develop coping mechanisms...humor...matter of fact speech, a level of detachment or they would constantly be falling apart on the job and become unable to help/care for the sick and vulnerable. I understand and respect your feelings. Personally, I would not post any work related content for all to see. Consider using a filtering lens to interpret what others say. When we are dealing with multiple stressors... it is easy to interpret as coldness or personal offense.

This is a hard truth. She doesn't agree with the statement. If mom is being treated well, let it go.

Be glad she can read and write English. In many parts of the country, that would not be guaranteed among the members of the care team.

Pick your battles--this is probably not the most important. Be alert what happens when you express concerns to staff at the facility--what is their first reaction? If their first reaction is to deny, to blame someone else, to say they can't, to say there's not enough staff--that's a red flag.

The NP was stating a FACT and then said she didn't agree with it. She/He sounds very compassionate.

Why would this upset you? That’s exactly what we do, even in the hospital. She said nothing derogatory so don’t deliberately stir up trouble for the RNP who was just posting unless you want to have to pay for a private duty person.

It's pretty tame compared to the gallows humor I've heard from cops, doctors, and nurses. It's also not very funny. I'm more concerned about the terrible sense of humor...

I recently had a conversation with a former NH social worker and was shocked when she said that out of 120 residents, about 100 would die each year. I couldn't imagine having a job like that because I know I'd get attached to more than a few of the residents and would grieve everytime one would die. I suspect anyone in a position like that must need to develop a way to cope or a thick skin as a means of self-preservation. That doesn't condone this NPs posting a public comment which was offensive to you (and probably others) - it was insensitive. But, as others have said, monitor how your Mom is treated and if she seems happy. You probably know her better than anyone and can tell from a short conversation how she's feeling and if she's safe and comfortable.

If you feel OK about contacting the NP and telling her that you found her FB post offensive, do that as well. It's probably the only way she'll realize it was hurtful.

The sad fact of life is that hospitals, nursing homes, and all healthcare facilities are in business for the 💰💰💰. Truth be told, when a patient dies in a facility, the goal of administration is to fill the bed ASAP. None of us are immune to the hard core fact that all healthcare facilities strive to keep the beds WARM at all times, and want to quickly get the deceased person out of the room, so another (paying) person can resume their financial bottom line...it's a constantly revolving door. I feel like the post from the NP was simply stating this, and did it in a very tactful way.

I understand your guilt - I think a lot of us have been there. I placed mom in an assisted living facility when she began to need 24 hour care. It was a beautiful facility - the nicest place she had ever lived! Turns out, she loved it! She made friends easily, participated in the activities and loved being "doted on". Her kids visited more frequently than when she was in her home. Take a deep breath - this might turn out great.

No, this would not bother me. And please don’t get that NP in trouble by printing FB page and giving to her employer as someone suggested. (For all you know it could be a well known joke amongst all the workers there including her supervisor). All industries have their sometimes unique sense of humor and remember basically what she said is true. It may sound cruel, but that’s what hospitals and nursing homes do...get the bed ready for the next patient. It is no reflection on the care your mom gets. Take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out.

I think everyone posting here has said it all. Now my dear for you....as a nurse you know the care your mother needs and will continue to need as she progresses will be difficult in your home. Whatever your decision is, the guilt serves no purposes except to verbally say to others "I'm not such a bad person, really". Those of us who have walked in your shoes and placed a loved one in a NH, know it's not easy but also know that it’s for the best. I could have never given my dad the care he needed and my sister who is a RN/GNP felt the same way. Guilt? No...I did nothing to feel guilty for. Do I wish he hadn’t needed that level of care?...yes, but I had to think with my head and not my heart. All I could do was be his advocate...which I was plenty of times and visit him as I could. So please place the guilt aside and realize we all want our LO life to be a perfect ending and that is normal, but it's just not usual.

Really? Have you ever heard the jokes and comments in a hospital? We'd all like to think we wouldn't "be that way" if we worked in these medical/service positions, but these jobs can get to the best of us and dark humor is often a source of release. And if the truth be told, there is not just a kernel of truth to the joke she posted.

If you're that concerned, contact the NP via her page or privately and tell her the joke bothered you. Be ready, though, she'll probably then make her page private and you won't see anything.

Transition to a NH environment is usually a source of angst and confusion for everyone involved. The real tell will be how your mother is doing after a period of settling in, not someone's joke on their FB page.

Ebmick 1973 blessing morning.
Yes that could’ve been a little bit disturbing but why are you going on Twitter to investigate the staff/team on your mother. I didn’t find that to defensive but I’m more than sure there is a work code of ethics about patient’s private information known as HIPPA. First of all she didn’t mention any names of staff or residence. I realize people don’t think before they do I feel that you need to address this to the director of the nursing home. This is no reason to withdraw mother out of this nursing home, or why you placed her in the first place. You are your mothers advocate and you must advocate you are the voice so you step up to the plate and address it nursing home will do their investigation. Make sure you ask for feedback. Don’t fear they stay strong . Are you ready to receive mother back home with you are you physically and mentally prepared to deal with her actions. Remember why you Place her in the first place . Stop and think for us it’s wonderful she is safe.
Feed three times a day, medications taken bath and showered activities. You must see to that this is continued. But all’s well only you can make that decision if you want to take your mother back home talk to your family members first make sure you have the support/help there’s nothing better than a mothers love but safety is first.
They’ll be a lot of decisions at the nursing home you have to keep your eyes open and stay off the Twitter nothing but a gossip area that really doesn’t define a lot it’s gossip and put bad decisions in your mind. Signing off Brown, Sugar

The comments remind me of a statement a friend made: Nobody wants to be 100 until they are 99.

Similarly, nobody sees the problem with this NP’s “joke” until they are in the NH themselves.

I agree with Ebmick1973 that the NP’s joke was inappropriate and unprofessional and should NOT be on FB. We all have jokes about the work that we do, but we keep them to ourselves, especially if we work in the profession and setting where death, dying, and sorrow are common.

I’d print the FB “joke” and give it to the NP’s employer.

Honestly I’m not bothered by this either, and am actually seeing this more as, if not so called gallows humor, then venting, to a sarcastic degree, by someone in a very difficult profession. That said, only you and your family know what’s best for you and your loved one, in home care, even under the best circumstances is an extreme
challenge so try to give yourself some time to think this through, especially if your LO is settling in. At most, possibly talk with your NH contacts. Emotions are on overload right now so give yourself some time. Hugs.

Hi ,
I know two cops , a few nurses , a mortician and a psychiatrist. Every last one of them have a super dark sense of humour and a pragmatic attitude to the nature of their job. The mortician is the most respectful of them all , I suppose because he truly feels that he is honoured with sending other's loved ones off for the last time but the others ? Well ...they joke to cope . Some of them are quite frankly , very depressed . Imagine what they see and deal with every day and understand that gallows humour is the only way for some people to keep going and doing their job. It is a bit callous but it doesn't mean they don't care about the people they help and deal with every day . It doesn't mean they don't feel pain at every loss and death they see. They do see a lot of death .
I understand how upset you would feel seeing that comment on fb, but that joke truly tells us what happens when a patient dies , the bed is cleared and made ready for another. That's it . That's reality.
My mom and I have had a running" Shady Pines , ma !"( Golden Girls ) joke for years, that doesn't mean that I would ever send her to a nursing home , EVER , because I won't. It's a joke .
Focus on how your mom is doing. See her demeanour and if she's bruised or incoherent and drugged or unhappy when you visit . Those are the red flags , not an observation on a Facebook page .
You seem like a sweet person who just loves their mom so keep doing that . I tell you , if you sat with a nurse or a cop and listened to their serious stories you'd never want to hear them again . So, Good luck with your mom and stay positive .

I think it would be appropriate and charitable to post on the NP's public FB site that she should consider the fact that her posts can be seen by the public. The public of course includes not only family members and friends of the NH's residents, but her employers, and quite possibly the residents themselves.

I would guess that the vast majority even of those interested people would appreciate and wryly smile at the joke* which she posted. But others might not be in the mood, and she would do better to keep private exchanges of in-jokes private.

*The joke, by the way, targets the cynicism of the nursing home industry. It does not condone indifference to residents' hopes and fears, quite the opposite.

Great answer, BarbBrooklyn.
I work in a forensic setting and can say that our work humor is something that others would not get.

I agree with the gallows humor for those who work in dangerous jobs--either dangerous physically or emotionally/mentally--have to have an out to remain sane. Actually, what that caregiver posted is mild.

Here's a shift to a totally different perspective: Think of the distressed people on this very forum who are in desperate to place their loved one in a facility but their loved one is on a waiting list. These distressed people are barely holding on. How gratifying it must feel to receive a call that this person's loved one can move in.

Im not sure what it is she said that bothers you?

My experience was somewhat like Shane's, except my mom's NH had a "serenity room" where they moved those like her who were living in a shared space. It took mom a few days to pass after we made the decision to not seek treatment for her pneumonia so my sister and I were able to bag up and remove most of mom's stuff while her room mates were absent, we came back for the bigger items the day she died. I was impressed by the tender care that was given to her in the days she lay dying and couldn't help but notice the tears in the nurse's eyes (not one of my favourites) as she checked mom's vitals to certify that she was gone. IMO these ladies have to keep a professional detachment or they would never be able to remain on the job, there is precious little opportunity for joy in those jobs because the reality is that everyone there is declining and will ultimately die. It is what it is.

My mother died at 3am at her NH. The funeral director came at 5:30am. I cleaned out her room while still with her. We didn’t take much with us. I left her clothes thus took only her personal trinkets (a few pics, her eyeglasses). I didn’t want the other items.

My brother and I dropped off donuts as a thank you a few hours later and my mother’s room was cleaned and ready for a new resident. It is what it is. We were done, my mother was gone & I was relieved but sad it was all over.

I have to agree with Tothill. I guess its because my daughter has worked rehabs/NHs for 20 years so that sentence doesn't bother me.

LTC, Skilled Nursing, NHs whatever u want to call them are businesses. As such an empty bed is money. I was up for a job in a NH where my job would have been getting the beds full. That meant that I was to call around to all the Hospitals and tell them that there was an empty bed in my facility.

That conversation was a little blunt. It may not be "that" fast but that is what happens. The Funeral director comes and gets the person. Then housekeeping comes and strips the bed and cleans everything. Remakes the bed and another patient/resident comes in. The bed might be filled that day or it may take longer. So sorry this upset you.

Please understand that Drs, Nurses, CNAs see a lot you will never see in ur lifetime. They need some humor to continue working in these places. I really don't know how my daughter did it and kept a smile on her face. She loved her patients but after 20 yrs it was time for a change. She now manages a Wound care center.

Gallows/dark humour is a coping mechanism many people in the healthcare industry turn to, especially ones that work with the dying on a regular basis. It's very difficult to work with and get to know peope, then watch them die on a super frequent basis. I wouldn't worry about it.

She probably should enable some sort of privacy feature on Facebook though, to be honest. It's kind of difficult to explain to non healthcare workers and I can see why it upset you.

As a healthcare member, out hospital has given us all "front cards" that go over our "full name and credential" cards,, these just have our first name and profession, or Dr so and so, and their profession ( no first name for them) exactly because many of us were being stalked on FB, etc by pts or family members,,, often in a nonprofessional way ( like hey your pretty, are you married?, Or I hate you and I am coming after your family). we are also told to "watch what we post",, so if we post at all it is vry vague.. like "what a terrible day, thank you all my co workers"
Barb and others are correct,, we do use gallows humor a lot,, it helps to keep you sane when you are dealing with things like families who are keeping their 95 yo mom who is rotting in the bed alive for the SS check, or the family who is keeping that gunshot family member alive even though they are dripping brain matter on the floor and have coded 3x.
So while I know this is not your moms case, I would guess the constant death and problems the NP faces are wearing on her,, but not affecting her care. I know I care for those elderly PTs and gunshot youths just as carefully and tenderly as the people who I know are going to recover.. And maybe remember she may be able to see you are watching her on social media.. and she may be concerned about you too! You say her care is good.. let this go..

I've been reading lots of posts here recently about hospice, NH not being "respectful" of the recently deceased.

I want to own to the fact that my dear mom died on a Friday afternoon at about 2 PM. My daughter and her family were scheduled to fly on a vacation to Ireland that evening and I kept telling her to "go!". She cancelled the trip to help me with the funeral and shiva.

Mom passed at about 3 PM. My brother, SIL and I all loved my mom dearly but we had no interest in paying the NH for another day or of driving back to get her stuff organized. We ruthlessly sorted, kept, bagged and donated all of her wordly goods while my mom's body was still in the bed. The DON came in and asked us to leave for few minutes so the funeral home people could do their job.

My mom was no longer there.

We went to dinner. As I am Jewish and the rest of my family is Catholic, I said to my brother, at about 5 pm, "you do realize that if mom were Jewish, she'd be buried by now?". He got that.

Different traditions have different imperatives.

My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF where residents pass away all the time. She constantly complains that the staff 'cleans out their apartments immediately' after they die. I wonder what they're SUPPOSED to do? Is there a period of time a for-profit business should wait before they clean out a deceased resident's apartment and allow someone else on the waiting list to move in? This isn't family we're talking about, mind you.........it's a business.

The NP who posted that comment also expressed how she felt it was ' so wrong', yet what are the alternatives? She works in a business where dying is the norm and opens up the opportunity for someone living to move into their place.

It is what it is. I doubt the woman is without compassion or empathy b/c she posted that comment. Some people are more interested in getting 'likes' and emojis on social media than they are in with the content of what they post. Besides, a person in her position has to take a stoic approach to death, or she'd be a basket case each time one of her residents passes away.

I wouldn't give it much thought from here on out if it were me. As long as your mom is getting a good level of care, that should be your prime concern. Don't expect perfection and you'll be good to go!