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I would love to be able to celebrate the holidays with my family. This is the first year of my retirement, so traveling to visit my brother, his wife and their daughter wouldn't require juggling my work schedule and vacation time. They invite me every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Me going to them makes much more sense than them coming here, as they both still work and my home is much smaller than theirs. They are about a six hour drive from me, so a day trip isn't an option.


The problem is my 82 year old mom with dementia. She lives about 75 miles from me, which isn't that far when it's not winter, but we get intense winter weather here from about November through April. She refuses to spend a night away from home. Unless I want her to be alone on holidays, I have to spend them with her, just the two of us. Sometimes my aunt, uncle, cousin and her family will join us for a holiday meal that of course I have to prepare. Otherwise it's just she and I alone.


Occasionally my family does come and stay at my mom's. It is very hard for them not only due to distance and work, but they have two dogs among other pets. My mom loves animals and she has no issue with them in her home, except her cats have to be sequestered from the dogs. One of the dogs suffers from PTSD and can and does bite anyone outside of his immediate family, so that's also a problem.


Not really looking for solutions, as there really aren't any. Just wondering if anyone else faces these issues at holiday time.

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I feel the same way! I don’t think that we should let a calendar dictate our lives.

We can create our own celebrations that are convenient for us.

I think it’s very hard for those with young children too. It’s expensive to travel with a family to relatives. It can be stressful too.
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CWillie, I totally agree.    We should create holidays when WE want them, not dates on calendars.   I plan to get what few visits I'll take well before the cold weather sets in.   

A holiday should be when it's convenient for the people involved, not what date it falls in an annual calendar.
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I think that people get too fixated on having family functions dictated by a date on the calendar, who doesn't know of someone racing from house to house on Christmas day often even enduring multiple meals in order to fit in everyone? You can plan to spend time together on other weekends and in my opinion the person who most easily can accommodate a different schedule is your mother, don't let her continue to hold you back.
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I say to start new holiday traditions. Some of my best holidays were doing unorthodox activities.

I stopped cooking big family dinners awhile back. One year I had just about enough of it all and told my brothers that they could handle it all.

I packed a bag and we took off for Florida! It was a beautiful sunny Thanksgiving weekend and I lounged around on the beach, ate delicious seafood dinners, slept in.

I didn’t even eat turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. We went to a fantastic steak house and I ordered a filet! Oh, we enjoyed cocktails at the bar before dinner. It was heavenly!

I needed a break and I did not feel the least bit guilty. I even sent photos of the beach to my brothers! Hahaha, I highly recommend it for those who can get away!

Travel like you really want to do. Hire someone if you have to. You deserve it! Don’t feel guilty. You will come home rested and refreshed.
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The holidays will be very difficult this year because of COVID-19. We are senior citizens and immune compromised so we can’t see our grandchildren or our children unless everyone quarantines for 14 days ( as my doctor advised) or has a negative test with results before getting together. The Grandkids are partially in school and, as I understand it, they can spread this virus without being obviously infected. I live in NY and saw the refrigerator trucks with the bodies being layered inside which were later dumped in a mass grave until the funeral directors could get around to so many. I am very afraid of this disease and have heard that your lungs feel like cement from someone who recovered. I also know of someone who died. So I don’t want to risk it because my husband has Alzheimer’s and things would be far worse if I got sick and couldn’t care for him or if he got sick and more confused, if hospitalized. So no holidays unless they come up with good medicine or a good vaccine which will probably be in the summer of 2021. I wouldn’t take it until many others did and we could see the effects. Meanwhile I wonder if the kids will know my husband or if he will know them by the time this pandemic is truly under control. Life can be very sad.
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Ohlas1,

Love your spirit and creativity. Happy Holidays to you whenever they land at your house!
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As an ex military/ now fireman’s wife , having a travel business holidays are mostly when they are convenient for us.

I think this year we are having “thanksgiving” Thursday before thanksgiving. We have literally had Christmas in July because of school, work, families schedules. Lites, tree, presents the whole nine yards.
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Grandma1954 thanks for your comments. My mom lives about 75 miles from me, and yes lives alone with dementia. We know it's unsafe. Short of me moving in with her, which I will not do, unless she would accept more help or moving to assisted living there really aren't a lot of options. We can't force her out of her home, or to accept caregivers she doesn't want. She refuses to get a geriatric assessment, and will not recognize that she has dementia.

She would absolutely hate any type of group living, even as respite. From what I recently experienced with her hospitalization, it would be a disaster.

The dog is an issue and sometimes they do leave him home with one neighbor he will tolerate. He cannot be boarded. He is too unpredictable.

My brother and I have concluded that we sit back and wait for disaster. We would both much prefer to be proactive, but anything we "should" do would make her miserable. And just not temporarily. She is incredibly difficult when it comes to changing ANYTHING.
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It is sad when a time of year that should be joyful often ends up being sad and miserable for so many.
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All I want to say is I sacrificed decades of my life for my mom. I cooked all the holiday meals. It’s confining and it gets monotonous after awhile. I am one of those people who enjoyed the holidays in some ways but was glad when they were over. It’s a lot of work.

I missed so much of my life caring for mom. Some older people do get very set in their ways. Sorry that your mom won’t travel with you.

I know that you are not requesting answers because you don’t see a solution to this. It’s a tough one that many people deal with.

You sound like you enjoy going to see your children and brother for the holidays. Who wouldn’t? It’s a nice treat.

Is it possible for your other relatives to invite your mom over or they go to her while you travel to be with your children? Or better still, do you have a facility that would offer temporary respite care. It may be different now due to COVID but there are a few places that people use for precisely what you need, a vacation!

Just a thought...
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There is noting in your profile about where your mom lives.
If she is living at home, in her own home and she has dementia she probably should not be living alone. And if she is alone it might be time to consider Assisted Living or Memory Care.
If she is in Memory Care there are people around her she is not "alone" .
Celebrate the holiday a day early or late, go be with the other part of the family.

If mom comprehends you can tell her that this year you are going to spend Thanksgiving with your brother and you will spend Christmas with her. If she wants to come with you on Thanksgiving she is more than welcome but you're going to go with or without her.
By the way for your brother to bring a dog that has an unknown temper into a situation where it might bite unprovoked is irresponsible. the dog, if it has to be taken with the family should be crated when it is not leashed or they can have someone dog sit or board the dog. And the dog should be medicated if it is in a situation where there are other people around. This poses a risk to you as a caregiver and to your mom any dog bite could be dangerous to an elderly person with a weakened immune system and fragile skin and bones.
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