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I am so hurt right now im ready to run away. Today was difficult; worse than yesterday. Dad refused to go to rehab after surgery and demanded he come home to my 24/7 care (which I am not qualified for) He was quite ballistic and I finally gave in just to get him out of the hospital. This house has old door ways that are not wide enough for wheel chairs and it is so hard to get him to the bathroom and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing). After I told him yesterday that Carmie (Niece, RN) said to tell "Papaw" it was much better (even though maybe not fun) to be in a rehab rather than home health and she highly recommended it and he didn’t total discount it. Then when today just wasn’t safe getting around and he said he would consider it and I was elated! Yea, 2 – 4 weeks of me being able to get long term health care set up and a carpenter to make the doors wider and pull the carpet up to get some easier ways to live. 3 weeks to get caught up on work and personal health. As it is, he needs me at every minute and I need to get back to work. Not to mention to strife its caused my marriage.

So, I asked him again tonight. I said dad, we’ve had an extremely day and a half that scares me because its not safe. And Carmie is a big girl now and she loves you and she is qualified to make this decision regarding rehab. Here is why it is good for you: safety, supervision, intense pt, etc etc. I said dad, I have to tell you it is very difficult for me and I need you to do this for me right now too. I need to know that you are safe and I don’t have that confidence yet, especially after today. I will, and you will come home, but I cant give you 24/7 and even if I could I am not qualified. And you turn to me for decisions, and Carmie says and blah blah. And Im asking you for your best good, and also for mine. I NEED you to be safe and I NEED to rest.

And he looked at me and said “no”.

I said why?

He said “because I want what I want when I want it. And I don’t do what I don’t want t do.” “And I never asked you to do this and I don’t really need you. You are doing it to yourself”.

I said “dad, you just discounted everything I have done for you in the last 10 years. and don’t give me that shit that you don’t need me because look at you. you are 91, you just had surgery. You cant drive. You cant even walk. All I am asking is that you do whats best for you and for me, . This once”. You need it. I need it. I'm losing my business because of lack of involvement. Please let me make one decision. PLEASE.

He said “no”.

I said, then I quit as your caregiver. You are on your own. I suggest you take tonight and after you get sober you bring up this conversation and understand that I love you, but I have to love me first. And since you obviously don’t value my contribution and don’t trust my advice, I will remove myself from that position and then when you fall again, which you will, press that button on your alert and 911 will come after you. But then, if you get them to send you home, you will need to line that up yourself. I love you. But Im going to bed now.

He said “give me a hug”. I said I already have. Lots of them. You just never felt them. And I cant give you enough. I cant be your wife or your unpaid employee anymore. I am your daughter and I have loved you my entire life. But I have to let you go because I cant die over you and you wont give.

I wont be coming in to wake you up tomorrow. You know why? Because I don’t want to. And I want what I want when I want it. So if you decide you want me back in your life, get in your wheel chair and get over to my side of the house. I will be here until about 9:15, and then again after noon. Goodnight. I love you.

_____________________________________________________________
I don’t know what else to do. I know that I will not follow totally through, but I also know that I have to take control and with him, there is no easy, slow way. I am POA, but they still have him as “normal memory loss” so I don’t even know how much power I have. Does anyone know? I wanted him to love me. I think I finally realized its not about me so really anyone will do. He can afford it. He just knows he can boss me around and doesn't know how to get that control with the world outside of me.

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people dont respect you if you dont stand up to them. i think you done good for his sake. his attitude is an endangerment to his own well being imo.
elders are pretty stubborn sometimes. get freakin bugeyed with him if ya have to.
(5)
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Here is what stood out to me - "And I never asked you to do this" That says it all. We do all jump in without being asked and we get nothing but a day long headache in return.

He will be much better in a facility and will probably adapt well. But you said "sober up." Do you mean he is an alcoholic? That might be a totally different story, because he won't be allowed to drink in a nursing home.

You have to leave, both for his sake and yours. Let the inevitable happen.
(4)
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cant drink in a NH. riiight !! im the block / stone mason from hell. id bust new door openings in the place quicker than they could repair them.
(1)
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You did what you needed to do. He may wise up. I hope so.
Be strong, NO GUILT!
(8)
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daughterlinda, all I can say is wow. You handled it firmly and with love. That is so admirable. I hope that he goes to rehab and you can go back to being his daughter. I can tell the two of you love each other very much. I have never seen this conversation handled as well as you did. Hugs and good wishes. I agree that what he needs is more than you can give.
(11)
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You said it pretty well, but your words need to ring true. Boundaries need to be set by you that you can stick to because he won't change his actions at 91 if he has always had his way. I do think you said what he needed to hear, but "quitting" won't be as easy to be firm about.
(7)
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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are necessary and you must mean what you say to be taken seriously with people even family. Google setting boundaries and detaching with love. Both of these actions do not mean you do not care, it means that you as an adult have boundaries that need to be respected by friends and family members. If you say no to something...it is not something they need to "Understand", they just need to respect it and accept it because it is not all about them. You don't owe an explanation to them if they respect boundaries. They accept what you say without it being an issue. Hang in there and follow through on what you told your father. Hugs to you!!
(6)
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Did you kick him three times or the door?
(0)
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It was bound to hurt you more than it hurt him, but you've done the right thing and you deserve to feel relieved. You're right, it's not over yet, nothing is set in stone, things will fall into place - but you've given them the good shake-up they needed and it will get better from here. WELL DONE. Don't feel bad, and don't worry about your father - as you know, he'll be fine. The girl done good! xxx
(5)
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I believe you made the right choice, if your marriage is suffering, you have to take care of yourself first. Do you have children? Also if you took care of him for 10 years, my love you have done all you can. You are great for what you do! God bless you honey, and stay strong he knows you love him. :)
(3)
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I meant your dad knows you love him, and will see later that is was for the best. :)
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If you back down =from anything you said= you'll regret it. You will never again be believed. And, he'll win. If you say you'll leave, you have to mean it. And if he capitulates, add one more thing: "I won't come back and help unless you appreciate it. I can't and won't be a slave." Hang in there, strong, decisive and loving. For both of your benefits.
(5)
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Why are you allowing your father to make all the decisions when living in your home. You work a stressful job, he needs residential rehabilitation, he is an alcoholic, he bullies you and now major renovations to accommodate a person who acts ungrateful for 10 years of your time caring for him. Send him to rehab and look for a long term care facility. Do not agree to take him back into your home. You have gone above and beyond to help your dad. Now is the time to help yourself. Take your life back and let the professionals attend to his needs.
(8)
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Here is what stood out for me: "and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing)." THAT makes me cringe. You don't want to be a caregiver - so don't. No one is forcing you. You're hurting your dad more than you are helping him because now you are physically abusing him and "helping" him because...why? You feel like you have to? That's the reason to help someone. If your dad drinks, call AA - they can intervene and help. They know how to talk to people with drinking issues. Your dad is 91. Treat him how you would want to be treated. Having lost my mom on October 6th, it is so VERY HARD for me to read these posts because most of them - most every single one of them - is filled with "caregivers" complaining about the senior citizens in their lives. They bitch and moan and bitch and moan and then everybody pats them on the back and says it's ok to act like a martyr on the outside but secretly hate that you "have to" be selfless for a short time in your life. I don't get that. If you don't want to be a caregiver - that's ok. Many people don't - and shouldn't be. It doesn't make you better or worse than anybody else. But if you embrace the role, then do it with love and compassion - whatever that takes. I think you mentioned a husband in there somewhere. You have someone there with you to talk to and help you. Don't ever kick your father again. That's just WRONG.
(4)
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Here is one power you absolutely have: the power to say who can live in your house and under what circumstances.

Standing up to him verbally was awesome! Now you need to back it up with action.
(5)
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I wasn't there, of course, but I'm pretty sure the "kicking" was the result of trying to negotiate standard doorways rather than actually intentional - though it's easy to get rougher and more careless than we otherwise would be when we're at the end of our tethers. Unfortunately you don't feel much less ashamed of it even so. You just have to make a "firm but fair" note to self, and then let it go. x
(8)
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Monday, I am so sorry about your mother. It may have given you a bias as you were reading the thread. Please read the original message again. The biting words that you offered were not merited in any way.
(4)
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Monday, I need to unload my bitching and moaning here. Then I can be chirpy and kind when I'm with my mother. But you're right about the choice issue: if you really can't stand caring, for God's sake don't do it. Never be ashamed to face the fact if the fact is it's just not for you.
(6)
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How do you kick someone three times negotiating a doorway? What????
(0)
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Never threaten what you do not intend to carry out. Do not make a promise you can not keep. DaughterLinda if you don't follow through you have not only lost the battle but the whole darn war.

Capt what ever makes you think any nursing home would accept you with all the c**p you'd try to bring in with you?
PS No smoking either.
(2)
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The whole point of smoking (all right not the whole point, but - ) is to give yourself a decent chance of pegging out long before you get to the nursing home. Or that's my excuse, anyway.

And I know it's the sign of a sentimental heart, but you should never feel obliged to carry out a threat you made under stress but have since had time to reconsider. One day at a time, Linda. Lots of love, xxx
(2)
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Mmm. I think the only thing "wrong" here is your asking and saying "Please" as if it was a real choice he could make one way or the other, when the reality is he really needs to do it, for himself and for you. If he is safe to be alone a few hours and you can really do exactly as you have planned, after that, it's time for "Dad, do you remember we talked last night, and you know I love you, but we absolutely positively have to have you go to the rehab so you can get stronger and I can take care of things I have to take care of. There is no "I just don't want to" about it, you really have to go. We won't abandon you, one of us will come every Mon Wed and Friday (if not every day) with a glass of your favorite adult beverge in one hand and a couple of smokes in the other, but this is NOT going to work like this." You cannot let him choose to continue to eat you alive and keep your life stress settings on Impossible.
(2)
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Thank you ALL so much for your support. It gave me the strength to stay the course. Today it happened just as I expected. He came out in his wheelchair and said "We need to take this cast off" I said "Okay, did you hear me last night or were blacked out?" Then I called for reinforcements; two local nurses who listen to him say the same thing I did only they weren't his daughter!
We are going to REHAB! Okay, HE is going. I am not going to live there with him. thanks for the boundary reference CountryMouse. I explain too much. I am not required to do that. I need to update more on that. Having you guys out there is THE BEST!
(10)
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How three kicks? You know when you're in the supermarket and someone hits your achilles tendon from behind with the shopping trolley? It's never just once, but it is still accidental - no matter what suspicions you can't avoid.

You're standing behind the person you're guiding, ideally hip to hip. You're trying to stay close. He's shuffling, you're hobbling and kind of straddling and trying to keep a grip at the same time without gripping so hard you'll bruise anything, and make sure he doesn't bang anything on the door jambs, and doesn't slip, the doorway is narrow and it's blooming awkward, that's how. Except it's usually my mother who kicks me, or more often steps on my foot. And she's not bigger than me. And we've had six months' practice.

Our lovely OT gave me a handling belt for her to wear round her waist so that we wouldn't have to do this kind of 3-legged race to the bathroom the whole time. It's black with hi-vis bright orange go-faster stripes on it, very sporty. Yeah. Good luck getting her to wear that...
(4)
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Well, being literal minded Country Mouse, she said I kicked him three times, nothing was mentioned about it being accidental, so I think it is a normal thing for me to think, perhaps since you face maneuvering your mother you took it this way, if she had said she banged his foot accidentally, a different complexion to the situation, one sounds like abuse, the other sounds accidental.
(2)
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you guys crack me up.
(1)
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I do see how you could easily see that; I expect I saw the opposite angle because of the instant chord the story struck with me. The other thing I read into the account was that Linda said "I kicked him" because she was already feeling dreadful about it and blaming herself. Because we're supposed to be in charge, we also think everything that goes wrong is completely our fault. I know in my head I pick words to match that, anyway - my mother's hands are never cold because of bad weather and being in a rush, it's always because "I forgot her gloves." Like I did it on purpose...

It's a healthy reminder all the same, whichever way round you look at it. You read about abuse cases, and you wonder how anyone could ever DO that, and then I wonder if it started out not too bad but not great and went downhill by stages from there..? All wake-up calls are welcome with me: there but for the grace of God go I.
(4)
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I have found you can't really reason with dementia patients or some elderly people. If you agitate them, they get sick and all that.
You often have to resort to strategems. I feel your pain about your dad. They just can't seem to see past their own nose at all. I know its because the brain is deteriorating, literally. I keep my mom in my home and often she can get pretty ridiculous, also sometimes. (Otherwise she's not too bad). I understand. It is hard to be tough with them because they really don't understand and it makes them literally sick, hurt, and bewildered acting.
In the demented state, They have sometimes have little comprehension of others needs or of their own real needs. You can rehearse a lot of reasons to them; and they may agree, but next day - its off to the races again. Delusional.
My mom finally put my dad in a home when he got real bad with dementia, much against his wishes. They can still try to be controlling, pout, and be angry. I think he died mad at her. I think on the other side of death, they will understand all you tried to do for them and how hard they made it for us sometimes, but in life, we are so limited and finite. Often can't see beyond our own noses when we get like that.
You are in a tough place. May have to do like my mom did and just get a forced committal to a home.
I love my mom, too but have missed my share of days at work due to her need to be cared for like a 6yr old child (due to her emotional state). I can't continue forever doing that, just as you can't.
It is a hard call. You are not alone in this. I do think you have a really hard situation.
(5)
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I read it as the doorways are hard to navigate with the wheelchair, and helping him get into the bathroom is difficult because of it...it sounded like the kicks were accidental because of the above. At any rate - glad he is going to rehab - maybe you can get him to stay there until he changes his attitude & becomes grateful for all you are doing for him, daughterlinda!
(2)
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GOOD FOR YOU!!!! We all need to take a lesson from you. Stop being at his beck and call. Call the visiting nurses and set up a schedule of home health aides coming in to look after him.. He can pay for it. And perhaps they will convince him he needs to be somewhere he can get regular PT.
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