Follow
Share

I am so hurt right now im ready to run away. Today was difficult; worse than yesterday. Dad refused to go to rehab after surgery and demanded he come home to my 24/7 care (which I am not qualified for) He was quite ballistic and I finally gave in just to get him out of the hospital. This house has old door ways that are not wide enough for wheel chairs and it is so hard to get him to the bathroom and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing). After I told him yesterday that Carmie (Niece, RN) said to tell "Papaw" it was much better (even though maybe not fun) to be in a rehab rather than home health and she highly recommended it and he didn’t total discount it. Then when today just wasn’t safe getting around and he said he would consider it and I was elated! Yea, 2 – 4 weeks of me being able to get long term health care set up and a carpenter to make the doors wider and pull the carpet up to get some easier ways to live. 3 weeks to get caught up on work and personal health. As it is, he needs me at every minute and I need to get back to work. Not to mention to strife its caused my marriage.

So, I asked him again tonight. I said dad, we’ve had an extremely day and a half that scares me because its not safe. And Carmie is a big girl now and she loves you and she is qualified to make this decision regarding rehab. Here is why it is good for you: safety, supervision, intense pt, etc etc. I said dad, I have to tell you it is very difficult for me and I need you to do this for me right now too. I need to know that you are safe and I don’t have that confidence yet, especially after today. I will, and you will come home, but I cant give you 24/7 and even if I could I am not qualified. And you turn to me for decisions, and Carmie says and blah blah. And Im asking you for your best good, and also for mine. I NEED you to be safe and I NEED to rest.

And he looked at me and said “no”.

I said why?

He said “because I want what I want when I want it. And I don’t do what I don’t want t do.” “And I never asked you to do this and I don’t really need you. You are doing it to yourself”.

I said “dad, you just discounted everything I have done for you in the last 10 years. and don’t give me that shit that you don’t need me because look at you. you are 91, you just had surgery. You cant drive. You cant even walk. All I am asking is that you do whats best for you and for me, . This once”. You need it. I need it. I'm losing my business because of lack of involvement. Please let me make one decision. PLEASE.

He said “no”.

I said, then I quit as your caregiver. You are on your own. I suggest you take tonight and after you get sober you bring up this conversation and understand that I love you, but I have to love me first. And since you obviously don’t value my contribution and don’t trust my advice, I will remove myself from that position and then when you fall again, which you will, press that button on your alert and 911 will come after you. But then, if you get them to send you home, you will need to line that up yourself. I love you. But Im going to bed now.

He said “give me a hug”. I said I already have. Lots of them. You just never felt them. And I cant give you enough. I cant be your wife or your unpaid employee anymore. I am your daughter and I have loved you my entire life. But I have to let you go because I cant die over you and you wont give.

I wont be coming in to wake you up tomorrow. You know why? Because I don’t want to. And I want what I want when I want it. So if you decide you want me back in your life, get in your wheel chair and get over to my side of the house. I will be here until about 9:15, and then again after noon. Goodnight. I love you.

_____________________________________________________________
I don’t know what else to do. I know that I will not follow totally through, but I also know that I have to take control and with him, there is no easy, slow way. I am POA, but they still have him as “normal memory loss” so I don’t even know how much power I have. Does anyone know? I wanted him to love me. I think I finally realized its not about me so really anyone will do. He can afford it. He just knows he can boss me around and doesn't know how to get that control with the world outside of me.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
I have some amount of experience with alcoholism. Both of my fathers brothers, my mother's sister, my mothers best friend's husband, my father's best friend and later his wife, a best girlfriend, a few other friends here and there and two significant others. l can tell you that when they detox in a clinical type environment, with strict people they don't know, they can do pretty well. Partly because they think of it as temporary and partly because when they feel better, they think they can drink again and just control how much they drink (NOT!).

So, consider very deeply and wisely before you bring your father home do the same environment where he undoubtedly would expect to drink again. If he was unable to drive or otherwise get around and yet was a continuing alcoholic, someone was in enabling him by buying his liquor. This is not a judgement, its done with the understanding that it is sometimes easier to tolerate their behavior when they been drinking then to try to get them not to drink.

One of the things AA tries to teach is not to put yourself back in the environment where you did it before. Please believe me, he will be coming home with the belief that he can drink again, he can get his hands on the booze, he will just control it and limit himself (NOT!)

With the care he needs is you have described it, he would do better in an ongoing structured environment and you can be his daughter, visiting him at his "new digs", not his wife, not his parent, not his jailer, judge, jury or executioner, so to speak. No, better if you have a residential place that suits his medical needs lined up for him when he is ready for discharge from rehab. Easier to walk away from an argument there then in your home. IMHO, bringing him back to your home at all is sending the wrong message from the get go. Is he going to be happy? Maybe not, but he will be safe and he will get use to it. You and your husband haven't been happy for 10 years. Time for your life...NOW!
(2)
Report

Countrymouse, you crack me up lol.

As someone who went through a 5 month period caring for someone in and out of rehab before finally being admitted into long-term care, I would suggest really giving thought to if you can handle him coming home again.

My aunt went into and out of rehab 3 times over 5 months or so. It started with her not taking her medications, hiding them, and lying to everyone about it. As she gained water weight and got weaker without her meds, she dumped more and more responsibilities on me, even though it was her choice to stop taking the medication she needed to live. She got to the point where she was morbidly obese, could not walk, and was extremely incontinent, while being on 12 liters of oxygen at all times.

I knew she wasn't going to be able to live at home anymore when she left rehab the first time. Without the strict rules and supervision of the nursing home/rehab center, she made herself sick again within a month of being home each time, which resulted in another trip to the hospital each time, starting the whole cycle over.

I hoped that she would see, coming home each time, that it just wasn't safe to be there anymore. But she just kept blaming everyone around who her helped for not helping more. It took a doctor in the hospital telling her she would die if she went home for her to finally accept that a nursing home was the only choice. And even then, she wouldn't accept that her refusal to lose weight, stop smoking years ago, be more physically active, and manage her diabetes were the real reasons she was in the situation. It was always "after all I did for you, this is the thanks I get", as if I could wave a magic wand and cure her of her illnesses.

Give the matter serious thought, and keep it firmly in your mind that things will only get worse, not better. If you decide to bring him home again, you are going to have to set some hard boundaries to preserve your own sanity and health, which is a difficult thing to do.
(1)
Report

kazzaa, as a specialist in these things I can explain: it's a case of irregular conjugations in the English language, goes like this -

First person singular: I am firm.
Second person singular: You are stubborn.
Third person singular: He is a pig-headed fool.

You can have quite a lot of fun with these… x
(6)
Report

Daughterlinda my friend just had her mum home with her for 3wks after her mum had a triple bypass like your dad she refused to go to rehab my friend nearly had a breakdown with the stress. Back away and get him into a facility the stress will make you ill.
Stubborn is not the word id use there has to be a stronger word?
(2)
Report

Eh dont want to stereotypic the "irish" but the NH my mum went to has a small bar!!!!!! And most residents can have a drink if they want obviously depending on their meds etc..
(5)
Report

Daughter Linda you are a true inspiration and teacher to me. I just wanted you to know that you are helping others out here by posting this situation and how you are handling it. I know you are looking for help. But you are also giving help to others by sharing and I truly appreciate you doing this. Thank you and best of luck to you!
(2)
Report

Good for you! You have a right to live your own life and if this irascible old man does not appreciate your diligent efforts, time to cut the cord ----and I mean the "cord" of guilt, as well. He will adapt to his living situation in time so make preparations for his new living situation and get your life back. You have been a dutiful and loving daughter ---all of God's blessings upon you!
(2)
Report

Good for you! Your dad sounds just like my husband and I have felt just as you do. We love them, but we don't want to die for them, and shouldn't have to. My husband is too far gone to follow through with just letting him do what he wants to, but maybe your dad isn't. Thumbs up to you!!
(0)
Report

If he's not staying sober in your house, I'd say get him out of your house and into a NH that can do rehab or a group home that will let him drink. It's OK for an elder to have a beer or a snort or two for fun, but if he's not sober enough to take care of himself or to discuss his future, that sounds like a lot of drinking.

On a side note, you might ask his doctor if he's supposed to drink after surgery. Alcohol can increase bleeding risks, especially when combined with antibiotics.

For the next time he goes to the hospital, be aware that the hospital CANNOT discharge him to your home if you tell them you can't provide adequate care. YOU decide whether you can provide care or not, based on what care they say he needs and whether you are physically and mentally able to provide it AND whether you can get time off work.

It sounds like you did the right thing in a sensitive way. Can I hire you when I need to stand up to someone? ;-)
(7)
Report

Please also consider whether or not it is wise to bring your father back home. Find out what kind of care he will need and if you can provide it without causing too much stress on your marriage and yourself. A recovering alcoholic, or an active alcoholic are not easy to deal with, never mind one with additional health problems. On your profile you say you have a very intense job. Sounds like an explosive mixture to me,
Please make sure you are looking after yourself and your relationship with your husband. That has to come first. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
(1)
Report

As always on this site, you've gotten some wonderful advice. As CountryMouse says, you're not dumping your dad there, he's getting rehab. The facility sounds good for what they're trying to do and the nature of the patients they're dealing with. As others have said, take this time to let the professionals take care of your dad while you take care of YOURSELF for a change. Sleep late, stay up late, read, nap, see a movie, whatever you want to do to nurture yourself. Reconnect with friends...cook yourself a nice meal, whatever makes you happy. And let your dad settle in to rehab. Stay away enough so that he can do what HE needs to do without an overdependence on you. Keep us posted!!
(1)
Report

Your father picked you because he can order you around. Nursing homes have rules, and one of them will be a lack of alcohol. You can expect to see withdrawal symptoms and should discuss that with his MD.
(1)
Report

You said the staff is warm and caring - good. You saw some "not so great" behaviors of other patients, BUT you don't know their medical history, diagnoses, etc. The important thing is that they were being treated with kindness and weren't ignored. Unfortunately dementia is one of those things that affects each person differently, so there is no way to know whether that is your father's future or not. Please don't cave in and bring him back to your home until you are good and ready to do so - mentally, physically, AND your home is able to accommodate him properly. Your father requires a lot of help, and the alcoholism only exacerbates the other issues, including taking advantage of you.
(2)
Report

Linda
I don't know what there is I can say to be of comfort. There really is nothing. You did what you had to do so that you would be able to continue to care for your Dad.
Institutions are not filled with 'normal" people that is why they have to be there.
Your dad will get the rehab he needs and you will be able to do what you have to prepare for his homecoming. He will be mad when he comes out of his stoned stupor which for some reason is necessary. Do not apologize, in fact don't even mention or discuss it simply celebrate his home coming.
Your dad will be OK in the facility, the staff sound as though they are experienced in dealing with people who are in a different reality. It is shocking when you first are exposed to it and if you continue to be able to care for dad this will not be his future. If he needs this kind of care he will no longer be aware that there was a different reality. You will be and it will be very painful for you to see this man become someone different but sadly this is something you have to face and come to terms with.
Now you have a job to do, some of it is personal and some practical. before you tackle any of that as others have advised take the time to take care of yourself. do the things you need to do. see your Dr dentist etc, get your hair done, buy some new clothes. Spend a day in your PJs wrapped in a blanket and read or connect with friends. have someone to stay, just do anything you have not been able to do while dad is home. Think about the difficult decision of deciding if dad can come home again or if now is the time he has to stay in a Nursing Home. He certainly sounds as though he needs skilled nursing care.Is this the time to make that decision. Dad will never agree so you have to come to peace with that. may you be guided in your decision making and comforted with your unhappiness
(2)
Report

No it isn't. Some of the people there will be in rehab because that's a polite way of putting it, and they won't be leaving for anywhere better. Your father is there for intensive PT, adjustment and real rehabilitation. He's not going into storage.

God, that visit must have been a nightmare for you.

Look, what you did see was the staff dealing kindly, and when necessary, with problematic patients; and a lady who was very odd being left in peace because she wasn't actually going to do anyone (including herself) any harm. The oddness you will quickly get used to.

I've met more insane people and people with learning disabilities than I ever expected to, because I'm good friends with my sister-in-law who tends to collect them both as patients and as waifs and strays. I still don't enjoy their company, exactly, but I was surprised at how quickly they stopped making me nervous.

If you're still worried about how your father seems when he's had time to settle in, ask detailed questions about what he's being given, what the purpose is, and why the meds are causing - what is it? A sort of sedation? You'll probably find that he's more himself before long, anyway, but keep asking (nicely) until you get explanations you're happy with.

It's very very early days. You are doing the right thing. Try not to worry. x
(1)
Report

Linda,
Please take time to do something for yourself ypu typically do not have time for. Check out Groupon for a good spa deal, or at least a Mani, or catch a movie or take a bubble bath and read a book. Allow yourself at least an afternoon when you do not think of pops, or care giving.

Best wishes,
L
(1)
Report

I went to rehab to visit tonight. that place is scary.... the nurses seem very dedicated, the social worker worked with me, the help all seemed impressive, but I think I only met 2 people that I would call of normal mentality. they have my father on drugs because of his alcoholism and because of his attempt to escape last rehab. my dad seems very ---stoned---I guess that's okay. okay, somebody tell me this is okay! there was a man wheel down the hallway going "somethings wrong. I need help. somethings wrong. I need help. cant anybody help me" a quiet strong but gentle employee walked up behind his chair and wheeled him around and talked to him. 10 minutes later it was happening again. a lady was talking alone to the entire lunch room chastising all the patients --a soliloquy of their sins. Okay, is this my fathers future?
(2)
Report

Daughterlinda~So glad he is going to rehab. Keep us updated and we will be here for you. Hugs!!
(0)
Report

Oops--I hadn't read to the end.I am THRILLED he's going to rehab, and ou aren't!
(1)
Report

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! We all need to take a lesson from you. Stop being at his beck and call. Call the visiting nurses and set up a schedule of home health aides coming in to look after him.. He can pay for it. And perhaps they will convince him he needs to be somewhere he can get regular PT.
(2)
Report

I read it as the doorways are hard to navigate with the wheelchair, and helping him get into the bathroom is difficult because of it...it sounded like the kicks were accidental because of the above. At any rate - glad he is going to rehab - maybe you can get him to stay there until he changes his attitude & becomes grateful for all you are doing for him, daughterlinda!
(2)
Report

I have found you can't really reason with dementia patients or some elderly people. If you agitate them, they get sick and all that.
You often have to resort to strategems. I feel your pain about your dad. They just can't seem to see past their own nose at all. I know its because the brain is deteriorating, literally. I keep my mom in my home and often she can get pretty ridiculous, also sometimes. (Otherwise she's not too bad). I understand. It is hard to be tough with them because they really don't understand and it makes them literally sick, hurt, and bewildered acting.
In the demented state, They have sometimes have little comprehension of others needs or of their own real needs. You can rehearse a lot of reasons to them; and they may agree, but next day - its off to the races again. Delusional.
My mom finally put my dad in a home when he got real bad with dementia, much against his wishes. They can still try to be controlling, pout, and be angry. I think he died mad at her. I think on the other side of death, they will understand all you tried to do for them and how hard they made it for us sometimes, but in life, we are so limited and finite. Often can't see beyond our own noses when we get like that.
You are in a tough place. May have to do like my mom did and just get a forced committal to a home.
I love my mom, too but have missed my share of days at work due to her need to be cared for like a 6yr old child (due to her emotional state). I can't continue forever doing that, just as you can't.
It is a hard call. You are not alone in this. I do think you have a really hard situation.
(5)
Report

I do see how you could easily see that; I expect I saw the opposite angle because of the instant chord the story struck with me. The other thing I read into the account was that Linda said "I kicked him" because she was already feeling dreadful about it and blaming herself. Because we're supposed to be in charge, we also think everything that goes wrong is completely our fault. I know in my head I pick words to match that, anyway - my mother's hands are never cold because of bad weather and being in a rush, it's always because "I forgot her gloves." Like I did it on purpose...

It's a healthy reminder all the same, whichever way round you look at it. You read about abuse cases, and you wonder how anyone could ever DO that, and then I wonder if it started out not too bad but not great and went downhill by stages from there..? All wake-up calls are welcome with me: there but for the grace of God go I.
(4)
Report

you guys crack me up.
(1)
Report

Well, being literal minded Country Mouse, she said I kicked him three times, nothing was mentioned about it being accidental, so I think it is a normal thing for me to think, perhaps since you face maneuvering your mother you took it this way, if she had said she banged his foot accidentally, a different complexion to the situation, one sounds like abuse, the other sounds accidental.
(2)
Report

How three kicks? You know when you're in the supermarket and someone hits your achilles tendon from behind with the shopping trolley? It's never just once, but it is still accidental - no matter what suspicions you can't avoid.

You're standing behind the person you're guiding, ideally hip to hip. You're trying to stay close. He's shuffling, you're hobbling and kind of straddling and trying to keep a grip at the same time without gripping so hard you'll bruise anything, and make sure he doesn't bang anything on the door jambs, and doesn't slip, the doorway is narrow and it's blooming awkward, that's how. Except it's usually my mother who kicks me, or more often steps on my foot. And she's not bigger than me. And we've had six months' practice.

Our lovely OT gave me a handling belt for her to wear round her waist so that we wouldn't have to do this kind of 3-legged race to the bathroom the whole time. It's black with hi-vis bright orange go-faster stripes on it, very sporty. Yeah. Good luck getting her to wear that...
(4)
Report

Thank you ALL so much for your support. It gave me the strength to stay the course. Today it happened just as I expected. He came out in his wheelchair and said "We need to take this cast off" I said "Okay, did you hear me last night or were blacked out?" Then I called for reinforcements; two local nurses who listen to him say the same thing I did only they weren't his daughter!
We are going to REHAB! Okay, HE is going. I am not going to live there with him. thanks for the boundary reference CountryMouse. I explain too much. I am not required to do that. I need to update more on that. Having you guys out there is THE BEST!
(10)
Report

Mmm. I think the only thing "wrong" here is your asking and saying "Please" as if it was a real choice he could make one way or the other, when the reality is he really needs to do it, for himself and for you. If he is safe to be alone a few hours and you can really do exactly as you have planned, after that, it's time for "Dad, do you remember we talked last night, and you know I love you, but we absolutely positively have to have you go to the rehab so you can get stronger and I can take care of things I have to take care of. There is no "I just don't want to" about it, you really have to go. We won't abandon you, one of us will come every Mon Wed and Friday (if not every day) with a glass of your favorite adult beverge in one hand and a couple of smokes in the other, but this is NOT going to work like this." You cannot let him choose to continue to eat you alive and keep your life stress settings on Impossible.
(2)
Report

The whole point of smoking (all right not the whole point, but - ) is to give yourself a decent chance of pegging out long before you get to the nursing home. Or that's my excuse, anyway.

And I know it's the sign of a sentimental heart, but you should never feel obliged to carry out a threat you made under stress but have since had time to reconsider. One day at a time, Linda. Lots of love, xxx
(2)
Report

Never threaten what you do not intend to carry out. Do not make a promise you can not keep. DaughterLinda if you don't follow through you have not only lost the battle but the whole darn war.

Capt what ever makes you think any nursing home would accept you with all the c**p you'd try to bring in with you?
PS No smoking either.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.