I guess I have a hangup. I'm the younger female sibling whose taken care of mom since she had a stroke four years ago. Since my life has crumbled in every way imaginable, i.e., job loss, divorce, home underwater, draining/living on my savings which is almost exhausted, and now notified of my mortgage ballooning after paying 15 years and losing three other rentals in 2008. I'm 61, feel lost, afraid, angry, resentful, hateful, and cannot manage or tolerate the thought of how it all turned sour after saving and planning since age 16. My brother thinks it is best to put mom in a hospice facility instead of just letting her stay in her home because he does not want to share responsibilities with me by taking turns staying with her, but instead says that I need to find a job and go back to work. My health is also failing. Plus he sold his house and he and his wife are moving to another state in 2-3 months. He claims he understands how I feel, but I beg to differ. He is very well to do and does not know what it is like to struggle financially not knowing where you're going to live within the next year without any income. To me he's always been self-centered and still is. He pretends to care but my gut instinct says otherwise. I can't help but feel bad about losing my mother soon, then I don't think I'll ever care to hear from or see my brother again. It's an extremely lonely life these days, one that I am having a lot of difficulty coping with. Brother has never offered to help me out much. I was really sick for 4 days this week, had no food or drink in the house, couldn't get out of bed, yet he never offered to bring even a loaf a bread or asked if I needed anything. He knew I was alone and ill. This is the type of behavior that makes me feel he could care less and I feel such hurt and resentment.

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Thank you "geewiz" and "gladimhere" for such thoughtful and wonderful comments. For some reason I cannot even take a penny from him even if he offered. There's just something about his personality that's irked me all my life. He's the kind of person who will not "give" unless there's "a good return on what he'll get back". He hates dogs because the care they require provide no monetary return and are a drain out of his wallet. I have two dogs that he thinks I should get rid of and I kid you not has "no depth of understanding" of why I keep them when they are of no financial gain. Everything in life to him is about "his money" "his expensive things" "his house" and keeping his fifth wife (that took 60 years to find) happy because her family is wealthy and he foresees security within them as they view him as Mr. Wonderful. Funny how he tells me how tired his wife is of working and wants to retire and she is the same exact age as me and in better health than I am, yet insists I "need" to get back into the workforce to save myself. I don'y have friends that live nearby, some have already passed, and besides I'm ashamed of revealing my current life difficulties and lack of travel, visiting friends, going places and living a regular normal life with money to nspend that I no longer have, that they find hard to believe because I was always an excellent money manager, knew how to live within my means with good sense, plus worked my entire life until I was laid off in 2009 and life began it's downward spiral and husband also lost his job too. The financial devastation was almost too much to bare, then his mother and mine fell ill from old age around the same time. Mom had a stroke and his mom has Alzheimers. I stayed with my mother until she recovered, which she did for awhile, but has congestive heart failure, she is 92, and I doubt she will come back from this one and require hospice care now. Anyway, I'm relieved to have a sight with persons who have experienced similar challenges and thank you for listening to mine. I kind of wish my brother would just move tomorrow so I don't have to witness the agony he is going through by helping mom. It stresses me out more. He spends most of his time texting and talking on his cell phone when he has to be with her more than an hour.

Dolly, I know what you are living. There are many of us with selfish, manipulative, self-centered and narcissistic siblings. The dyfunctional thread is a good place to get support from others that do understand. On the one hand your brother wants you to get back to work, on the other he does not understand how difficult that is to do when you are ill, and have lost so much, and your mom quite ill and nearing the end of her life as well. You have also provided care for your mom for a long time, it becomes our life and very difficult to get ours back. My sibs are as yours, just thought I should do as your brother thinks you should do. Unless they provide the care they do not understand or empathize. The most difficult thing for me to do is to understand and accept that they will not change. There is nothing that can be done to make them do it either.

The last resort for us was to get mom a Geriatric Care Manager that the twisted sisters finally agreed to. The GCM came to assess the care mom needed and whether I was caring for her properly. All reports came back that mom needed the care I was providing, and the best care for mom was with me in her home of 50 years. I thought then that the sibs would listen and try to understand. Nope!

It is very hurtful and I too resented them both as they did next to nothing to help. And it was not going to change. After four years of care for mom I decided I was done. I was 60 at that time. I am now 61 and four months ago moved 450 miles away from my family to restart my lfe. So far it is ok, but think every day of going back. Mom was moved to a facility a year ago after twisteds just plain wore me down. They were the most difficult part of caring for Mom. The good part of the move is the distance I have placed from them.

Best wishes to you as you walk this very difficult road.

Here is the Serenity prayer that may benefit you.
God grant me the serenity - To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference!

There are MANY comments and threads on this board about family members who won't help. My observation -- some family members (and men inparticular) need to be hit with a 4X4 and a VERY direct request before they can respond. "Brother, I am so sick right now I can't get out of bed. Can you bring over some groceries and prepared food for Mom and me til I get up on my feet again? "
Those who are not caregivers don't have the power of observation to see what needs to be done nor the intuition to think through the ramifications of you being sick in bed --- hence being specific gives you a better chance of getting results.
Your bio lacks detail as to the extent of your Mom's health, age etc. BUT if you don't take care of yourself, no one will be available to help Mom. It is likely time for a nursing home for her so that you can be a loving caring daughter who visits and makes sure she is cared for properly. This will allow you to improve your health and work again. I went through some of this with my brother (and I had two other out of state siblings). I eventually worked through my resentment and hopefully you will too.

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