Resentment towards husband and father-in-law.

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My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. We live with his aging father full time because he has had a stroke about 5 years ago and recently was told he's no longer able to drive. We do everything for him. He is still in his right mind most of the time, and can still do things for himself (when his lady friend doesn't come over and baby him and do everything for him). The deal is my father in laws daughter lives less than 1/2 a mile from here, we can't get her to help with him, or even take him for an hour so that we can get away, his lady friend comes once a week and we leave for a while so that is some help. I guess what my problem is, is my life is here taking care of my father in law, I do laundry, order meds, clean up after him, cook for him, take him to drs. appts. and on top of that listen to him ridicule me and order me around. He doesn't tell people i'm his daughter in law, he says i'm his maid or his driver. Yes it hurts my feelings, i am full of resentment that my husband can go take care of the cattle and not have to deal with him all day long, and his own daughter will not help out, I even scrub feces out of the carpet and clean pee sheets. Hubby refuses for us to go to counseling, get home health care or anything else that may help, I have had to cancel so many of my own dr appts. because his father would refuse to go with me. My husband also gives me guilt trips saying I act like its so much work to take care of everything here. My resentment grows....I feel I have no "out" my out is when I go shower I stay there and just cry. We had our little grand daughter here at Christmas for a week, she's my biological grand daughter and hubby's step grand daughter. I would get up to make her breakfast, but hubbys dad would want his first, so I would have to do everything for him FIRST. Never mind a hungry 3 year old. It's getting to the point my husband and I fight every day over his dad, when I get my feelings hurt over how his father talks to me, my husband tells me to get over it and quit crying like a child. I'm sorry everybody, I'm full of love to give, but I resent everything, his is not MY father, I don't feel I should have to put up with everything that I have to put up with and yet everybody else gets the praise and glory that THEY are the ones that do everything, I had counseling set up for myself, again I had to cancel it because nobody wants to sit here and be burdened with THEIR father. I'm ready to throw the towel in and tell them all to fend for themselves.

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Rosebud, be very careful because you still have the verbal abuse from your husband. Save, save and find in advance who you could stay with in case of emergency for yourself.
Here is a website and you probable have a local batter-emotional abuse women shelter near you if push comes to shove. Here is one website that may help you or at least be able to direct you in the right way.
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Rosebud, I'm happy you put some limits on what you will tolerate. You need to define yourself to those around you. This is me, this isn't me, and hold true to what is you. I wanted to say in my last post, the next time your grandchildren are there and Dad decides that he needs to eat first, please tell him that you are doing the cooking and he can take a number. The more he understands that you are in charge, the nicer he will be. If not, no problem, you get to be you and he can be his nasty self. Ignore him and get out of the house.
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My cousin sent this to me:
We Need to teach our DAUGHTERS the difference between a man who FLATTERS HER and a man who COMPLIMENTS her. A man who SPENDS MONEY on her and a man who INVESTS in her. A man who views her as PROPERTY and a man who views her PROPERLY. A man who LUSTS after her and a man who LOVES her. A man who believes HE is GOD'S GIFT to women and a man who remembers A WOMAN was GOD'S GIFT to MAN. And then teach OUR SONS to be that kind of man.
I loved that !!! Hope you did. It's so well stated. What do ya think?
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Oh ya Rose - This is Kathleen - I changed it to Katrinka because that's what my mom used to call me. :(
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You've made progress!! I'm proud of you!

Continue to do and think the way that you are doing. We teach people how to treat us so continue to teach BOTH of them just the way YOU want to be treated. You have a good heart and attitude - never think that you are asking for 'too much' because it's apparent that it's in your nature to ask for too little. yeah !!! I'm happy for you. Your husband just showed you he 'can' take pop's with him so when you feel you need time, there's nothing wrong with you requesting that of him as well.
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Sorry that it has taken me so long to get back with ya'll. I'm ok, and yes I'm still here, right now I'm taking this all slowly so as not to arouse suspicions and have more problems than I already have, I have started putting a little money back that I can get. To put ya'll up to date, I think my husband has finally realized that his father gets enjoyment of causing arguments then sitting back and reading his paper after he has succeeded in doing so. My husband finally made it a requirement of his father that from now on he has to wear the depends and he has to keep them on from the time he gets up in the morning till the time he goes to bed. Well this past Saturday my husband left early in the morning to go take a barn down at the other property...it was an all day job. Later that evening his dad goes and takes the depends off. I tell him he's required to wear them till bed time where as he told me to shut my mouth and leave him alone, sooooo this time i stood my ground and told him NO i will not shut my mouth and that i refuse to let him start a fight with my husband about the depends after he has been working all day, he still would not go put them on, soooo I took the remote to his tv, his cell phone, and his newspaper and told him he will not get any of those items back until he goes and puts them on. Well he did go to his bedroom and was gone for like 15 minutes. He came back and assured me he had put them on. So I in turn gave his stuff back to him and told him thank you for doing so. Hubby comes home later and I told him about the incident he actually told me that I did the right thing. Problem is.....it didn't work, my husband said he could tell his dad had NOT put the depends on and his dad had lied not only to me, but to my husband too, sooo it ended up a bad evening any way, but the good that came out of it, is my husband FINALLY realized what I have to put up with and how his father treats me and doesn't listen to me when he isn't around, so hopefully that opened his eyes and I'm praying now he'll be more attentive about the situation, he did take his dad with him today when he went to feed cattle and gave me a bit of a break. Thank you everybody for all ya'lls feedback. I'm sure there'll be more problems, but I take each day as they come. Love and hugs to you all
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Leaving doesn't mean you have to stop loving him --- because you won't. It's ok that you love him --- it just is. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your family - the family that truly loves you. I know how difficult it is to leave; it's a very hard and painful thing to do but it gets better. The wisdom shared could change your life if you let it.
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Rosebud: I have a few questions: (1) Does your husband have a job away from home or is he working on the "ranch" etc. and pretty much free to come and go during the day? (2) Did he live with his Dad before you married? (3) If so, how did you date and see each other, for example, who took care of dad? (4) Is the ranch or property and house solely owned by his father and does your husband expect to inherit? Does your husband feel that if he doesn't take care of his Dad, he will be cut out of an inheritance?

Maybe your sister-in-law doesn't come over to care for her father because he treats her badly too. It sounds like the male family members tend to think women are they to serve and don't deserve appropriate respect. Or maybe she thinks her brother is going to get everything that Dad owns so he can deal with it.

You say your FIL is in his right mind most of the time, but still he pees on the floor and you have to scrub crap out of the carpet. It that's his right mind then he is a disgusting pig. He needs adult diapers.

How long have you been single? I understand that you feel you love your husband and you may also feel that your age is against you in finding a happier relationship and unsure about being alone again. But, it sounds like you are very alone in this relationship. You may be thinking that it will all get better when Dad dies, but I think that could just be a justification you are holding onto. A hope for the future, much like you had when you married this man.

I'm not advising you to leave your husband, but if I was, I would agree that you should attempt to have some cash in your pocket and leave when your husband is gone. You can call him when you are far enough away and advise him to look out for his dad. Does your husband have a cell phone? Would his father call him the minute you left?

I don't think you are in a relationship that meets your needs. Relationships have to be good for both parties. What have your husband's past relationships been like. Has there ever been any violence or rumored violence? I don't want to jump the gun on that one, but you should have a sense of his potential and you have to answer that question honestly. If you find yourself making excuses for him, then the answer is yes.

If you are absolutely certain that your husband is not a violent man, then you should tell him that you will be gone between the hours of such and such and he will have to be with his dad, have his sister come over, his children come over, or dad can be on his own. You, however, will not be there. End of discussion. Don't cry or beg, just state the facts and then do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say this with a little anxiety.

You do have to reclaim your life. You do have a lot of love to give, I can see that. Don't waste it on people who don't return it to you. You need to visit your children and your grandchildren. You need some freedom to enjoy your life. And you need to be in an environment where you receive kind treatment and respect.

Something in my gut says you really should leave. Put some distance between you and them. Don't let your heart keep you in a bad place. Be careful please.

I've asked you a lot of personal questions. I take what you are saying seriously and I care about you. I hope you get back to us.

Love to you.



I wouldn't argue with your husband anymore
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Rosebud, I want to echo RLP: even if it doesn't seem like this is the time to risk leaving your marriage, we want to know how you are doing. I think the advice you are getting springs from the realization that your husband will not change unless he is made to change. And the only way to force that is to be willing to risk ending the hope that he will suddenly "get it" and treat you better than a maid. We are standing with you, while you are there. And if you get ready to leave, we will stand with you then. As caregivers, we know how hard this road is. The thought of your husband adding to your burden this way is horrifying. We wish only the best for you. And we hope that, once you are safely out of there, may e these bullying men will grow up some.
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Rosebud, even if you have decided to stay with your husband, please feel like you can talk to us and ask questions. We are not here to judge. No understands your situation except you. Please use us to vent. Rebecca
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